I'm in love with being hurt

[sleep]

I will only date people who I know are bad news for me. I seek out people who will hurt me, I want a relationship with a bad ending. I don't ever date people planning towards a future, I date people planning on breaking up. I'm in love with idea of being broken hearted, of missing someone, of being badly emotionally abused by someone. I want to depend on someone so much that when I no longer have them to depend on, I become helpless and hopeless.

 

Every relationship I have had in the past have only lasted 3 days, sometimes less, sometimes more.

 

I do not know what is wrong with me and I do not want to go to therapy anymore, however I was just asking if there is a sexuality or romantic orientation for this or if I am just fucked up. Every time I relay  something like this to someone or google it all, I get posts about how I was "emotionally abused in the past" I wasn't. I love this, I feel like shit afrterwards but my only intentions when I get into a relationship with someone is to cause myself pain.

 

I have no clue what this is, I'm in no way looking for a long term relationship and I say I'm aromantic because I know I'm better off not playing with others emotions, but I just get so much joy out of this, I love the feeling of hurt I get.

 

I just want any opinions and advice on what this actually is? My longest relationship in 19 years was only a month.

[Yep, me]

You like causing yourself pain? 😢 Why?

[sleep]

Just now, Zenzencat104 said:

You like causing yourself pain? 😢 Why?

I'm more in love with other people causing me pain. It's not a sexual thing, I just enjoy being hurt by others. I love having a reason to cry, to be upset, to hate my life. I love seeking out those reasons in other people.

[Yep, me]

Just now, sleep said:

I'm more in love with other people causing me pain. It's not a sexual thing, I just enjoy being hurt by others. I love having a reason to cry, to be upset, to hate my life. I love seeking out those reasons in other people.

This is unusual, I'm either nuetral in my reaction or hate it, how much do like others causing the opposite? Because it's not particularly healthy. I guess you just like emotions in general? It's kind of like how some people like apocalypse type fiction? Idk, but make sure you're safe.

[sleep]

1 minute ago, Zenzencat104 said:

This is unusual, I'm either nuetral in my reaction or hate it, how much do like others causing the opposite? Because it's not particularly healthy. I guess you just like emotions in general? It's kind of like how some people like apocalypse type fiction? Idk, but make sure you're safe.

It's kind of like romanticizing the idea of being hurt by someone else, I'm just in love with the whole being hurt thing, I love being vulnerable to other people and I love having someone have so much power in my life that they could completely ruin me emotionally. I seek out arguments with people I'm in a relationship with, I love playing with their emotions so much that they eventually snap at me and start arguing back and I just love sabotaging the whole relationship so that I can feel the loss of the relationship, so that it's sort of done and over with but it's something that I will never forget and something I can have lingering in my life forever, something to make me upset.

 

It's kind of hard to explain, but I have relationships only to eventually break them off, but I want that messy ending I want to be hurt I want them to hurt me emotionally and I want to hurt them emotionally

[litanies]

How do you feel about the collateral damage caused by these messy endings for others?  I have a hard time believing that you are the only one being hurt every time.

[sleep]

Just now, litanies said:

How do you feel about the collateral damage caused by these messy endings for others?  I have a hard time believing that you are the only one being hurt every time.

I do not feel like anyone really cares that much. I don't think that I am actually hurting them as they hurt me. I get so attached to someone so quickly, that after 1 day they are the best thing in the world and I love them more than I love myself, but after the 2nd days those feelings turn into feelings of hatred and resent and I want nothing more than to hurt them and in turn, hurt myself, but I do not believe that it impacts them as much as it impacts me because I am truly the only one who cares in the first place - at least in my opinion.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

55 minutes ago, sleep said:

I will only date people who I know are bad news for me. I seek out people who will hurt me, I want a relationship with a bad ending. I don't ever date people planning towards a future, I date people planning on breaking up. I'm in love with idea of being broken hearted, of missing someone, of being badly emotionally abused by someone. I want to depend on someone so much that when I no longer have them to depend on, I become helpless and hopeless.

 

I just want any opinions and advice on what this actually is? My longest relationship in 19 years was only a month.

Unfortunatedly I can't offer any useful advise atm but it still sounds pretty much like me. It just happens against my own will for the most part. However, I hope you can find someone or something to help you out soon *hug*

[Member5732]

1 hour ago, sleep said:

1. I will only date people who I know are bad news for me. I seek out people who will hurt me, I want a relationship with a bad ending. I don't ever date people planning towards a future, I date people planning on breaking up. I'm in love with idea of being broken hearted, of missing someone, of being badly emotionally abused by someone. I want to depend on someone so much that when I no longer have them to depend on, I become helpless and hopeless.

 

2. I love this, I feel like shit afrterwards but my only intentions when I get into a relationship with someone is to cause myself pain.

I'm nobody but take me as a friend and hear me out:

 

1. You can't keep doing what you are doing. I know the feeling that you are feeling like you are in love with the idea of being hurt and you're okay with it, but deep down inside it's not okay. The damage has been done and it keeps digging holes into your heart, your soul and your peace of mind. Don't do this. Don't let others handle your peace of mind, don't let others handle your happiness, don't let others the control over you. You should have the confidence in yourself and stand for everything. You do everything by yourself and for yourself. Don't depend on others. That doesn't help you. At the end of the day, you are the one who picks up the broken pieces of you, not somebody else. 

 

2. I know 'Pain' teaches us some important lessons of our life, but remember, hurting yourself or causing pain to yourself will never help you in any way. Whatever you feel like, vent it out but don't test it on yourself. Try to calm yourself down, if you can't simply go to the bed and lie down. Take a little rest or try to sleep if you can. Don't think about what broke you or whatever happened don't think about it again and just lie down quietly. Spend the time with yourself without hurting anyone (including yourself).

Stay safe and be happy. PM me anytime if you want to talk.  

[officialdarklord]

I can't really offer much advice other than I don't think you should stop therapy. It doesn't sound like a sexuality to me but more likely a coping mechanism for something as self-harm can often be. That's only something you can really figure out through therapy. 

[litanies]

6 hours ago, sleep said:

I do not feel like anyone really cares that much. I don't think that I am actually hurting them as they hurt me. I get so attached to someone so quickly, that after 1 day they are the best thing in the world and I love them more than I love myself, but after the 2nd days those feelings turn into feelings of hatred and resent and I want nothing more than to hurt them and in turn, hurt myself, but I do not believe that it impacts them as much as it impacts me because I am truly the only one who cares in the first place - at least in my opinion.

Have you done some analysis to figure out what underlying motive you have that is driving this behavior?  There are so many different possibilities I can think of.  You could be addicted to the chemical highs and lows of the drama ... or maybe you have low self-esteem and are punishing yourself ... or maybe you'd enjoy being "hurt" by someone in a healthy relationship who is only playing at hurting you ... etc. etc.  Have you had any ideas about what's driving you?

[mindlife]

7 hours ago, sleep said:

I do not feel like anyone really cares that much. I don't think that I am actually hurting them as they hurt me. I get so attached to someone so quickly, that after 1 day they are the best thing in the world and I love them more than I love myself, but after the 2nd days those feelings turn into feelings of hatred and resent and I want nothing more than to hurt them and in turn, hurt myself, but I do not believe that it impacts them as much as it impacts me because I am truly the only one who cares in the first place - at least in my opinion.

Your asserting that no one really cares that much is an exercise in second-guessing other people you do not know well.  The logic of relationships is that when you choose to distance yourself for the sake of doing so, you stand a very good chance of hurting the others you are relating to or breaking with.  

I don't break a relationship unless I feel that I or the person or people I'm trying to relate to want something unrealistic from the relationship.  

I suspect that in your case, the relationship you have with yourself is probably where the trouble begins, despite the presence of others.

Regardless, it's vital that you understand that other people have lives, and you should make it your aspiration to serve them well where you make contact with them by way of empathy.  Your actions or inaction will always do more than you see.  I speak from experience.  I've been pretty buried in myself in the past, and to this day it's been hard to move beyond myself.  

[JayDee1212]

This is a really tough situation... for what it's worth I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

I know you say you weren't emotionally abused in the past, but was there any other kind of trauma in your childhood? Bullying, someone dying, simply being isolated or unhappy? 

Sometimes when we are accustomed to pain from the beginning of our lives, even as we grow older and leave the painful things behind, we will search out more pain because it is what we are used to and what we are comfortable with. Unfortunately, sometimes a painful childhood can lead to a person unconsciously seeking out pain in adulthood because they are simply not comfortable with happiness. 

That's just the ex-psychology major in me talking, I don't know what you're life has been like of course, but I thought it might be something to think about. 

The only other thing I can think of is the romanticism of pain or low self-esteem. 

Whatever the cause may be, I truly hope you can eventually get help in some way, you don't deserve to be trapped in this endless cycle of pain and self-hatred. 

Good luck, wishing you the best. 😊

[sleep]

45 minutes ago, litanies said:

Have you done some analysis to figure out what underlying motive you have that is driving this behavior?  There are so many different possibilities I can think of.  You could be addicted to the chemical highs and lows of the drama ... or maybe you have low self-esteem and are punishing yourself ... or maybe you'd enjoy being "hurt" by someone in a healthy relationship who is only playing at hurting you ... etc. etc.  Have you had any ideas about what's driving you?

 

I love drama. I simply love the emotions involved in drama, I love when I get a certain reaction out of people and sometimes I try to get a reaction out of people so that well, they can hurt me - then I have a reason to argue with them, cause drama in their lives and in my life and well, it's not in a sociopathic way because I also feel the emotions after being left behind, it is just I seem to enjoy it all, you know?

[JayDee1212]

1 hour ago, sleep said:

I also feel the emotions after being left behind, it is just I seem to enjoy it all, you know?

This statement definitely makes me think you have a lot of internalized pain, you just might have trouble expressing it. Searching for a relationship that will eventually hurt you is likely your way of forcing yourself to feel this pain outwardly, as internalizing it is eating away at you. In this way the painful relationship lets your release those negative emotions that you've kept bottled up, allowing you to feel pain that you've never allowed yourself to express in a healthy way. 

[sleep]

Just now, JayDee1212 said:

This statement definitely makes me think you have a lot of internalized pain, you just might have trouble expressing it. Searching for a relationship that will eventually hurt you is likely your way of forcing yourself to feel this pain outwardly, as internalizing it is eating away at you. In this way the painful relationship lets your release those negative emotions that you've kept bottled up, allowing you to feel pain that you've never allowed yourself to express in a healthy way. 

I'm not disagreeing with you, it's just as I've said to a few therapists I've been to - I no longer go to therapy - I do not know what my problem is and I do not think I have any pain. It is like, I do not understand where this is coming from because no matter where I look, I think my life is happy? I have a good life ahead of me, I'm just very emotional and I seek pain out in relationships.

 

If a relationship lasts longer than 3 days, I normally end up ending it myself. I love being in a relationship, but I also love ending those relationships and no matter how much I look into my past relationships, they are all the same and I do not understand why I constantly do this. I love the whole drama of break ups, and I always want to get rid of people after a couple of days because I completely lose interest - I understand I may have commitment issues - but it is not a fear of being hurt, or a fear of being abandoned by them, because I want to be hurt and I want them to leave me.. I love when the relationship ends on arguments and nothing but sad emotions, anger, etc.

[litanies]

3 hours ago, sleep said:

 

I love drama. I simply love the emotions involved in drama, I love when I get a certain reaction out of people and sometimes I try to get a reaction out of people so that well, they can hurt me - then I have a reason to argue with them, cause drama in their lives and in my life and well, it's not in a sociopathic way because I also feel the emotions after being left behind, it is just I seem to enjoy it all, you know?

This leads to two new questions.  The first is, do you think there are any other potentially satisfying outlets to provide the same emotional highs and lows you're after?  The second question is, are these highs and lows the most important thing for you, and if so, why does nothing supersede them?  Another thing I am curious about is whether you are dissatisfied with the way you are, or whether you are simply wondering why you are like this?

[sleep]

6 hours ago, litanies said:

This leads to two new questions.  The first is, do you think there are any other potentially satisfying outlets to provide the same emotional highs and lows you're after?  The second question is, are these highs and lows the most important thing for you, and if so, why does nothing supersede them?  Another thing I am curious about is whether you are dissatisfied with the way you are, or whether you are simply wondering why you are like this?

Without this I don't really feel much of anything, I'm generally numb all day. I don't know what else would work, but this works for me.

 

I know I shouldn't be doing this because I know from all the messages and arguments from people I've dated offline and online, it does hurt other people and I like to pretend that it doesn't because I don't really see myself as someone to care that much about, but I'm only lying to myself.

[Chihiro]

Well, people get into relationships for all sorts of reasons, so your reasoning is neither bad nor abnormal. Before you start dating, I suggest that you inform your partner of your motive. About how you feel being broken up is romantic etc. As long as you are honest, your partner will not feel like you manipulated/tricked them. There are many short term daters out there and they might be compatible for you.

As others suggested, I think you should continue therapy or find a better therapist. I saw that few of your past posts are also about self harm, so I hope this pattern doesn't become a big problem for you.

[litanies]

6 hours ago, sleep said:

I'm generally numb all day.

That sounds indicative of depression, and/or you are extremely bored.  As a short-term solution, I do like @Chihiro's suggestion to you about simply being upfront with the people you date from the start.  Long-term, I'd focus on getting to the root of the numbness.

[sleep]

2 hours ago, litanies said:

That sounds indicative of depression, and/or you are extremely bored.  As a short-term solution, I do like @Chihiro's suggestion to you about simply being upfront with the people you date from the start.  Long-term, I'd focus on getting to the root of the numbness.

Yep, I'm diagnosed with depression by a professional. So would make sense.

 

I know I should be upfront and I should just seek out whatever I'm looking for somewhere else. I know it is unfair what I am doing to other people, I just love it so much.

[litanies]

41 minutes ago, sleep said:

Yep, I'm diagnosed with depression by a professional. So would make sense.

 

I know I should be upfront and I should just seek out whatever I'm looking for somewhere else. I know it is unfair what I am doing to other people, I just love it so much.

When I was young, I also enjoyed the emotional highs and lows associated with dysfunction.  But my pleasure was in manipulating others in order to achieve an agenda, not in getting myself hurt in relationships.  I do remember that I told myself often that most of the people I was manipulating were scum, and as a result, I wasn't doing any real damage.  In many cases, I think that was true.  But there were enough exceptions that eventually I had to get out of what I was doing.  Plus, nothing I was doing was honestly making me happy.  I was still angry, bored and alone, even though my life was interesting.  I was in some very toxic relationships at that time as well, with plenty of drama of their own.

 

The only relationships from that time that turned out to matter to me in the long run were actually those with the fewest highs and lows, that were the least caught up in all that mayhem.  I eventually discovered a kind of happiness (which feels more like tranquility) in pursuing those relationships which wasn't tied to emotion.  As to the thrills of manipulating others, I've found other more positive outlets for that--namely I've found those skills valuable for survival.  

 

I am sure that it was a very different situation.  I can barely relate to anything you've said.  But I hope you might still find my story insightful in some way since there are some parallels.

[Urchin]

I don't really think that is an orientation (although it may be) and it does sound like you may need some help. You shouldn't insult yourself about that fact though. 

 

I do relate to what you are saying somewhat as I always find myself drawn to things I know will hurt me and have pondered myself if I actually just like the pain on some level. 

 

I'm definitely not an expert but what you're describing doesn't sound healthy and may lead to your destruction if you act on it. I know therapy can be exhausting sometimes and you hit points where you don't want to go but it really can help after some time. Even if that period is years, it's worth it. 

 

If I were you I would try to find out why you may want this? For example could any experiences cause it and if so, could knowing that help you overcome it?

 

Whatever you choose, I hope you end up well.