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Lamkirk

Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

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Blondbear
On 14/8/2017 at 6:53 AM, Lady Girl said:

I would probably agree with this. I was really surprised to find out that I could be happy without sex and willingly gave it up.

 

Maybe you are not that sexual, at the end of the day those "attraction based" definitions are neither accurate or relevant. The definition should be relevant to make sense. 
If you are in a relationship and you don't have sex with your partner or with a third part involved and you are very happy with the whole situation then you are not sexual.

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Lara Black
On 16.08.2017 at 6:40 PM, Lady Girl said:

At any rate, I'm the sexual person in my relationship. I was definitely unhappy about the lack of physical activity for a long time but I haven't been bothered by it for about four years now. I feel content and happy with my relationship even though I realize it's not a traditional one. 

 

It's hard for me to post much simply because of that. People either don't believe me or dismiss me as an anomaly. Truth be told, I know other sexual members who don't ever post for the same reason...

 

1 hour ago, Blondbear said:

Maybe you are not that sexual, at the end of the day those "attraction based" definitions are neither accurate or relevant. The definition should be relevant to make sense. 
If you are in a relationship and you don't have sex with your partner or with a third part involved and you are very happy with the whole situation then you are not sexual.

 

… And that’s the reason we (happy sexuals) don’t post here that much. People either claim we’re unhappy, or try to prove that we are asexual.)

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Blondbear
22 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

 

 

… And that’s the reason we (happy sexuals) don’t post here that much. People either claim we’re unhappy, or try to prove that we are asexual.)

 

I don't try to prove anything. I just give my opinion. My whole point is that if I say that I am heterosexual but I am romantically in a relationship with a man and I am very happy with him, I am not sure until what point I am not bisexual or homosexual.   Or if me claiming that I am heterosexual is that much relevant. But hey, that's me, maybe I am wrong.

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Telecaster68
47 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

 

 

… And that’s the reason we (happy sexuals) don’t post here that much. People either claim we’re unhappy, or try to prove that we are asexual.)

Yeah it's a shame. It could also be that there's not many of you, of course, but we can't know. 

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MistySpring

I don't see why there needs to be any proof or convincing argument as to why one would find it acceptable or not to live without sex. You feel how you feel and that is all there is to it, end of story. Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible? There is no universal answer. It is an incompatibility, how much or little it weighs in on people's relationship varies. 
Of course some sexual people could find themselves working it out so they can be alright with not having sex, see celibacy being a thing, but that of course won't work for most people. All good either way.
It is a shame that sexuals who have worked it out wouldn't feel comfortable posting-any insight would be great I think. I say please do share your pov!

 

 

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Lady Girl
On 8/28/2017 at 4:14 AM, Blondbear said:

 

Maybe you are not that sexual, at the end of the day those "attraction based" definitions are neither accurate or relevant. The definition should be relevant to make sense. 
If you are in a relationship and you don't have sex with your partner or with a third part involved and you are very happy with the whole situation then you are not sexual.

I'm definitely sexual. I don't think your assessment is accurate only because people can and do (in all kinds of situations) go without sex and are content and happy.

 

It's hard to believe for a lot of people, but that's the one thing that made me decide to try celibacy. I wondered if sex was really the main thing that made me happy and I found out it wasn't.

 

I have no problem realizing that many or even most people when presented with the prospect of going without sex are going to be unhappy about it. But I know from personal experience (and a few other members) that doesn't apply to all sexual people.

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Apostle
On 8/27/2017 at 5:19 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

I genuinely don't understand why it would be important to a sexual who is not already in a mixed relationship with an asexual to believe that sexuals and asexuals are compatible. As I've already said, I understand why people want to make existing relationships work, but why seek out new mixed relationships? Asexuals sometimes make the argument that other asexuals are so scarce that there's no point even looking for them, so they're better off dating sexuals and just hoping they don't want sex. I think that's a flawed argument, but it's an argument. But what about sexuals? They are in the majority, and the whole world of dating and marriage was set up for their benefit. They have a large pool of other sexuals to choose from. Why on earth would sexuals reject every potential partner willing to have a typical sexual and romantic relationship with them and do lots of extra work to locate people with a rare incompatible orientation? Does it make sense to assume sexuals can find asexuals yet asexuals can't find each other? If asexuals can find each other, shouldn't sexuals maybe leave them alone and let them date each other instead of persuading asexuals to waste all their time and energy on mixed relationship drama?

Nanogretchen4, a lot of the time asexuals don't know that they are asexuals but over time the question mark looms ever larger. That is the big dilemma for both sexuals and asexuals. It's always been there, as is homosexuality, lesbianism, transgenderism..........and many more. It's a risk we all have to take when committing to a relationship. Sadly, it's too late for some couples (including myself) to pull out, especially if you already have children to look after and you truly love your partner.

As for asexuals finding each other, well they could contact via this website, couldn't they?

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MrDane
21 hours ago, Apostle said:

Nanogretchen4, a lot of the time asexuals don't know that they are asexuals but over time the question mark looms ever larger. That is the big dilemma for both sexuals and asexuals. It's always been there, as is homosexuality, lesbianism, transgenderism..........and many more. It's a risk we all have to take when committing to a relationship. Sadly, it's too late for some couples (including myself) to pull out, especially if you already have children to look after and you truly love your partner.

As for asexuals finding each other, well they could contact via this website, couldn't they?

Yup, I hear you @Apostle! Though it does sound a bit like the commitment is "once you have said A, you gotta say B', but It is intertwined lives, dreams, family, feeling...    I know you dont mean it that way. I also agree with @Lara Black, that there must be/ are (silent) happy sexuals in mixed relationships without a partnered sexlife. Perhaps they dont need to participate on this topic.

 

I do enjoy my trip, the scenery, the companionship, everything...but the moment I step on the stone in my shoe, I feel pain. She can give me support, she can give me band-aid, she can do so many things, but she cannot remove the stone. I can even learn to live with it, and perhaps gradually grow thicker skin.

 

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Lara Black
On 28.08.2017 at 0:14 PM, Blondbear said:

Maybe you are not that sexual, at the end of the day those "attraction based" definitions are neither accurate or relevant. The definition should be relevant to make sense. 
If you are in a relationship and you don't have sex with your partner or with a third part involved and you are very happy with the whole situation then you are not sexual.

And how do you define asexuality by the way?

Without knowing your definition, it’s hard to know whether, by your standards, we are all sexual or ace.

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Blondbear
On 28/8/2017 at 5:34 PM, Lady Girl said:

I'm definitely sexual. I don't think your assessment is accurate only because people can and do (in all kinds of situations) go without sex and are content and happy.

 

It's hard to believe for a lot of people, but that's the one thing that made me decide to try celibacy. I wondered if sex was really the main thing that made me happy and I found out it wasn't.

 

I have no problem realizing that many or even most people when presented with the prospect of going without sex are going to be unhappy about it. But I know from personal experience (and a few other members) that doesn't apply to all sexual people.

 

Well, I don't think sex is something that make people happy, people is not happy because they have sex, or because they are heterosexual, homosexual or asexual (unless there is discrimination involved) usually what happens is the opposite, people is unhappy if that sex (or lack of) is not there.

The point I try to make is that for me it is more relevant a satisfacton point of view than other one, usually people who is celibate is in constant struggle with that, that is why many priests use prostitution, there is sex abuse, etc..

I have also to say that male sexuality is not at all like female sexuality, and usually the urge for sex doesn't work the same in men than in women.

Of course, I don't know the details of your relationship and I don't want to offend you, it is a sensible topic and some people get angry if they are tagged with a different sexual orientation that what they actually have.

 

Closing all this, my point of view is that a person sexuality is the one in which he / she factually is living in a satisfactory way, I don't understand the relevancy of concepts as cupiosexuality and don't know until what point a man having a relationship with another man and being happy with that he is not factually homosexual or bisexual.

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Blondbear
15 hours ago, Lara Black said:

And how do you define asexuality by the way?

Without knowing your definition, it’s hard to know whether, by your standards, we are all sexual or ace.

 

For me sexual orientation is the factual orientation that somebody is having and is satisfied with.

If you are satisfied having sex with a man and you are a man you are homosexual. If you are satisfied with no sex you are asexual (at the current states of affairs) , if you are having sex with a woman and happy, you are heterosexual. Even if in the future those situations could change, if they change, same those your orientation. I can't see the point of calling sexual a woman who is 60 and is repulsed by sex because menopause even if she enjoyed sex before same as I can't see a person as asexual when years after he find a new person with who he is in a satisfied sexual relationship.

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Lara Black
10 hours ago, Blondbear said:

If you are satisfied with no sex you are asexual (at the current states of affairs) ...

And there I see an important destinction. I’m not happy with the fact that I don’t have traditional sex – I’m happy in my relationship. I stand with those sexuals who have posted here about their tiny secret dream being that one day their partner starts to desire sex. Even though I know it’s not going to happen (because they don’t want to want sex), I can’t shake this dream off. However, it doesn’t stop me (and, perhaps, others) from being happy with the person I love.

Let’s bring this case to the very extreme – a person can live a happy life after losing a limb. Does it mean they didn’t need that limb to begin with or they don’t miss it? Of course, unlike with this example, no one is forcing a sexual to stay in their mixed relationship. Some people just choose what they feel to be great personal and emotional compatibility over sex. Doesn’t really make giving up sex much easier.

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Blondbear
33 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

And there I see an important destinction. I’m not happy with the fact that I don’t have traditional sex – I’m happy in my relationship. I stand with those sexuals who have posted here about their tiny secret dream being that one day their partner starts to desire sex. Even though I know it’s not going to happen (because they don’t want to want sex), I can’t shake this dream off. However, it doesn’t stop me (and, perhaps, others) from being happy with the person I love.

Let’s bring this case to the very extreme – a person can live a happy life after losing a limb. Does it mean they didn’t need that limb to begin with or they don’t miss it? Of course, unlike with this example, no one is forcing a sexual to stay in their mixed relationship. Some people just choose what they feel to be great personal and emotional compatibility over sex. Don’t really make giving up sex much easier.

 

Oh, then I totally missunderstood you, I thought you were OK just giving up sex, but again I think it was LadyGirl who wrote so. 

If what you said is that you are not happy with the lack of sex but you are happy with the relationship because on a whole it makes you happy then I agree with you that it is more relevant the definition of sexual than asexual. I don't think it is common the scenario but I am sure that it happens and happens that a certain % of people can be happy without the sex life that they would like. If you are satisfied and happy with the whole relationship I think is great.

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Apostle
On 8/28/2017 at 2:28 PM, MistySpring said:

I don't see why there needs to be any proof or convincing argument as to why one would find it acceptable or not to live without sex. You feel how you feel and that is all there is to it, end of story. Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible? There is no universal answer. It is an incompatibility, how much or little it weighs in on people's relationship varies. 
Of course some sexual people could find themselves working it out so they can be alright with not having sex, see celibacy being a thing, but that of course won't work for most people. All good either way.
It is a shame that sexuals who have worked it out wouldn't feel comfortable posting-any insight would be great I think. I say please do share your pov!

 

 

Most asexuals can't understand why sexuals like sex. That seems to be fact but there are many facets leading to a partnership that can match two people but over time 'unmatch' them. What I mean by this is that there are many people in partnerships who over time realise that they are asexual. This process can take many years, sometime a lifetime. This leaves the sexual partner in a dilemma. Do they end the partnership or do they carry on, bearing in mind they may still love each other and the bond is still there?

Are there children in the union? Many sexual men would lose not just their marital home but their children as well if the partners divorced so they have to suffer in silence. I can't speak for sexual women but I would like to hear what they feel about the situation. 

I've personally gone down the celibacy route as I didn't have much choice (3 young children when I discovered my partners' sexuality). And it's not good either way I'm afraid Mistyspring. As Mr Dane says, the pebble in the shoe reminds us every day what has been denied, or Lara Black stating that you can lead a happy life after losing a limb (but you still have the urge to scratch your foot, don't you!). Yes, sex is not a given in any relationship, I know that. That is why these situations are fraught with challenges, some lasting a lifetime. If I knew then how my life would pan out I definitely wouldn't have got married.

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JDP

I wouldn't have had sex with anyone, either.

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MistySpring
5 hours ago, Apostle said:

Most asexuals can't understand why sexuals like sex. That seems to be fact but there are many facets leading to a partnership that can match two people but over time 'unmatch' them. What I mean by this is that there are many people in partnerships who over time realise that they are asexual. This process can take many years, sometime a lifetime. This leaves the sexual partner in a dilemma. Do they end the partnership or do they carry on, bearing in mind they may still love each other and the bond is still there?

Are there children in the union? Many sexual men would lose not just their marital home but their children as well if the partners divorced so they have to suffer in silence. I can't speak for sexual women but I would like to hear what they feel about the situation. 

I've personally gone down the celibacy route as I didn't have much choice (3 young children when I discovered my partners' sexuality). And it's not good either way I'm afraid Mistyspring. As Mr Dane says, the pebble in the shoe reminds us every day what has been denied, or Lara Black stating that you can lead a happy life after losing a limb (but you still have the urge to scratch your foot, don't you!). Yes, sex is not a given in any relationship, I know that. That is why these situations are fraught with challenges, some lasting a lifetime. If I knew then how my life would pan out I definitely wouldn't have got married.

I certainly understand all what you are explaining, it makes perfect sense to me and am not at all disagreeing with you so I don't really understand why you are directing it to me, maybe you misunderstood my post? I meant to say just which you seem to make a point of that one shouldn't have to justify needing sex in a relationship or finding it tremendously difficult, possibly ending it for that reason. To me anyone's need in a relationship is never to be diminished no matter what it is and of course with sex especially since it is such a vital part for most people in a relationship. On the other hand a sexual person who find that it works with celibacy for them shouldn't have to justify that either-that was my point about saying it is good either way. That both sides are justified in their experience. I have a bunch of things that I would need in my relationship that another person probably would be fine without, everyone is just different.
I can imagine how painful it must be having to manage through it each day truly and I feel a lot for sexuals who struggle with this. I am sad if that does not come across because I have huge respect for sexual that come here to try to make their relationships work as much as possible and I often feel like I wish there was something I could do, have some solid advice to give...anything.... but admittedly it is a challenging situation to be in and I fail to know exactly how I could help. What I can say is that I hear you, I really do. 

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Lady Girl
18 hours ago, Blondbear said:

 

Well, I don't think sex is something that make people happy, people is not happy because they have sex, or because they are heterosexual, homosexual or asexual (unless there is discrimination involved) usually what happens is the opposite, people is unhappy if that sex (or lack of) is not there.

The point I try to make is that for me it is more relevant a satisfacton point of view than other one, usually people who is celibate is in constant struggle with that, that is why many priests use prostitution, there is sex abuse, etc..

I have also to say that male sexuality is not at all like female sexuality, and usually the urge for sex doesn't work the same in men than in women.

Of course, I don't know the details of your relationship and I don't want to offend you, it is a sensible topic and some people get angry if they are tagged with a different sexual orientation that what they actually have.

 

Closing all this, my point of view is that a person sexuality is the one in which he / she factually is living in a satisfactory way, I don't understand the relevancy of concepts as cupiosexuality and don't know until what point a man having a relationship with another man and being happy with that he is not factually homosexual or bisexual.

I think if not having sex makes a person unhappy...that means sex makes that person happy.

 

Anyway, aside from that, I sort of see what you're saying, but I disagree. If a woman is 60 and her interest in sexual activity wains, she doesn't become asexual...she is still straight or gay or bi or whatever. I think in that particular scenario sexuality just plays a lesser role than it once did. I agree with you when you say a man who says he's straight but always and only has sex with men isn't actually straight. However, I don't agree that by that logic a person who refrains from having sex (for whatever reason) and isn't upset about it is asexual. I don't think those are comparable.

 

I feel fortunate that I no longer secretly hope my husband will someday want sex. For me, it's more like if he were to want it, that would be okay. I definitely think celibacy is something each person experiences differently.

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Philip027

I would say I wish LG would post more, but she pretty much has everyone beat except Sally so that feels like an unfair expectation.

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alibali

My friend is in her mid sixties and has not had a relationship for several years. She was ok with enforced celibacy, but has recently met someone and is also happy to have met someone. That is not asexuality. You are sexual or not based on your feelings not your behaviour.

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Apostle
15 hours ago, MistySpring said:

I certainly understand all what you are explaining, it makes perfect sense to me and am not at all disagreeing with you so I don't really understand why you are directing it to me, maybe you misunderstood my post? I meant to say just which you seem to make a point of that one shouldn't have to justify needing sex in a relationship or finding it tremendously difficult, possibly ending it for that reason. To me anyone's need in a relationship is never to be diminished no matter what it is and of course with sex especially since it is such a vital part for most people in a relationship. On the other hand a sexual person who find that it works with celibacy for them shouldn't have to justify that either-that was my point about saying it is good either way. That both sides are justified in their experience. I have a bunch of things that I would need in my relationship that another person probably would be fine without, everyone is just different.
I can imagine how painful it must be having to manage through it each day truly and I feel a lot for sexuals who struggle with this. I am sad if that does not come across because I have huge respect for sexual that come here to try to make their relationships work as much as possible and I often feel like I wish there was something I could do, have some solid advice to give...anything.... but admittedly it is a challenging situation to be in and I fail to know exactly how I could help. What I can say is that I hear you, I really do. 

Sorry Mistyspring. All I was trying to say is that I'm not okay with celibacy as such. It just does not come naturally and I've somewhat been forced down that route due to circumstances. That means I'm not happy with the end result but have had to accept it for other reasons that make up our relationship. That compromise is huge for me and I don't have a single day when I feel I have somewhat been denied my manhood, bearing in mind I have been celibate for over 25 years. I know this may not be the right comparison to use but I feel like I am a VW owner who lives in the UK. 

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alibali
50 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Sorry Mistyspring. All I was trying to say is that I'm not okay with celibacy as such. It just does not come naturally and I've somewhat been forced down that route due to circumstances. That means I'm not happy with the end result but have had to accept it for other reasons that make up our relationship. That compromise is huge for me and I don't have a single day when I feel I have somewhat been denied my manhood, bearing in mind I have been celibate for over 25 years. I know this may not be the right comparison to use but I feel like I am a VW owner who lives in the UK. 

But we all make choices to stay or go and to be honest if sex was more important to you, you would have gone. People can and do split up all the time. It is an individual's choice to do something or not, for whatever reasons.

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Blondbear
7 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

I think if not having sex makes a person unhappy...that means sex makes that person happy.

 

Anyway, aside from that, I sort of see what you're saying, but I disagree. If a woman is 60 and her interest in sexual activity wains, she doesn't become asexual...she is still straight or gay or bi or whatever. I think in that particular scenario sexuality just plays a lesser role than it once did. I agree with you when you say a man who says he's straight but always and only has sex with men isn't actually straight. However, I don't agree that by that logic a person who refrains from having sex (for whatever reason) and isn't upset about it is asexual. I don't think those are comparable.

 

I feel fortunate that I no longer secretly hope my husband will someday want sex. For me, it's more like if he were to want it, that would be okay. I definitely think celibacy is something each person experiences differently.

 

I don't agree with that syllogism, if no sex means you are unhappy it doesn't mean that having sex makes you happy. If I have an ear infection I am very unhappy and miserable, but if I don't have it it doesn't make me happy. It is more a "sine qua non" requirement.

 

Regarding the sexuality of a 60 years old woman who have been impacted with menopause that is a debate that we had here some months ago, menopause impact differently to each women, but we know that about a quarter lose their sex drive forever. That's why many marriages fail after mid 40s or they become "don't ask don't tell" territory or become open or a partner cheat the other.

I can't consider a woman in her 50s with no sex drive and who doesn't want to have sex and is even repulsed by sex as a "sexual", not at all, considering a married woman who had no sex in 10 years as "sexual" just because in her 20s and 30s she was  is not relevant at all. Just like I don't consider a cupiosexual person is asexual.

 

Having said that, tags are not that important, if you are happy with celibacy and happy with your partner that is what is relevant for you.

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MistySpring
3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Sorry Mistyspring. All I was trying to say is that I'm not okay with celibacy as such. It just does not come naturally and I've somewhat been forced down that route due to circumstances. That means I'm not happy with the end result but have had to accept it for other reasons that make up our relationship. That compromise is huge for me and I don't have a single day when I feel I have somewhat been denied my manhood, bearing in mind I have been celibate for over 25 years. I know this may not be the right comparison to use but I feel like I am a VW owner who lives in the UK. 

I think that is utterly understandable that you can't be okay about celibacy in such a way. There is absolutely no judgement here as far as I am aware (in this thread) definitely not from me. I am sure you have tossed and turned the situation in your mind a million times and tried all kinds of approaches to be more "fine" with it especially after such a long time. You know you and you know you are and have been doing your all. At one point or another I assume one comes to a conclusion like this is as far as I can go in being okayish with it. Like others have mentioned it gets down to making the decision of staying or leaving. I don't know your circumstance but you decided it is worth continuing but at the same time you are still struggling with it. The conclusion to that to me is not that you are somehow unjustified in finding it hard still to handle. All it says is frankly that it just sucks you have to go through experiencing such anguish, who would wish that on anyone. Actually I have no clue what the "VW owner who lives in the UK" comparison means? lol. 

 

2 hours ago, Blondbear said:

 

I don't agree with that syllogism, if no sex means you are unhappy it doesn't mean that having sex makes you happy. If I have an ear infection I am very unhappy and miserable, but if I don't have it it doesn't make me happy. It is more a "sine qua non" requirement.

 

Regarding the sexuality of a 60 years old woman who have been impacted with menopause that is a debate that we had here some months ago, menopause impact differently to each women, but we know that about a quarter lose their sex drive forever. That's why many marriages fail after mid 40s or they become "don't ask don't tell" territory or become open or a partner cheat the other.

I can't consider a woman in her 50s with no sex drive and who doesn't want to have sex and is even repulsed by sex as a "sexual", not at all, considering a married woman who had no sex in 10 years as "sexual" just because in her 20s and 30s she was  is not relevant at all. Just like I don't consider a cupiosexual person is asexual.

 

Having said that, tags are not that important, if you are happy with celibacy and happy with your partner that is what is relevant for you.

I think if you after menopause lose sexual desire or because of any other issue that does not really make a person asexual or well maybe one could say effectively asexual if one find that it works (which I think is the key in how one views it oneself because at the end of the day that is what truly matters), asexuality otherwise is something more intrinsic. But really I do agree that tags are beside the point and I am all for people using what they think fits best for them.
Claiming though that a person who has been sexual their whole life (but lost sexual desire/urge because of some sort of issue) is no longer so is a bit like saying a woman who has had her breasts removed and had a hysterectomy because of cancer is no longer a woman.
Sexual's libidos varies for one thing as well as how one views sex too, in what way it is important to someone. Maybe some see it as much less of an emotional thing and so for them it would be easier to overcome. Maybe they get emotional intimacy from sex but have another thing as a priority hence can find a way to live without it. People could have different 'love languages' where physical intimacy is at the top of one person's list of needs whereas for another maybe they treasure words of affirmation, doing activities together, long conversations, acts of service for their loved one etc more and could compromise easier with having the sex end. Lara Black said it perfectly really with the comparison about losing a limb. Being okay about it is different to being overjoyed or ecstatic about the change as well in by book.  

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Apostle
2 hours ago, alibali said:

But we all make choices to stay or go and to be honest if sex was more important to you, you would have gone. People can and do split up all the time. It is an individual's choice to do something or not, for whatever reasons.

Well, as I have stated in previous posts, the choice I had was stay to bring up my very young family, one of whom was severely mentally disabled at birth, or leave. If I had wanted to I could have had an affair but my moral code is strong and I wanted to transfer that to my children. That doesn't mean to say that sex is not an important part of a relationship to me though, even 25 years on. Many people who divorce do so with emotion and not with their heads screwed on.

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Apostle
8 minutes ago, MistySpring said:

I think that is utterly understandable that you can't be okay about celibacy in such a way. There is absolutely no judgement here as far as I am aware (in this thread) definitely not from me. I am sure you have tossed and turned the situation in your mind a million times and tried all kinds of approaches to be more "fine" with it especially after such a long time. You know you and you know you are and have been doing your all. At one point or another I assume one comes to a conclusion like this is as far as I can go in being okayish with it. Like others have mentioned it gets down to making the decision of staying or leaving. I don't know your circumstance but you decided it is worth continuing but at the same time you are still struggling with it. The conclusion to that to me is not that you are somehow unjustified in finding it hard still to handle. All it says is frankly that it just sucks you have to go through experiencing such anguish, who would wish that on anyone. Actually I have no clue what the "VW owner who lives in the UK" comparison means? lol. 

 

I think if you after menopause lose sexual desire or because of any other issue that does not really make a person asexual or well maybe one could say effectively asexual if one find that it works (which I think is the key in how one views it oneself because at the end of the day that is what truly matters), asexuality otherwise is something more intrinsic. But really I do agree that tags are beside the point and I am all for people using what they think fits best for them.
Claiming though that a person who has been sexual their whole life (but lost sexual desire/urge because of some sort of issue) is no longer so is a bit like saying a woman who has had her breasts removed and had a hysterectomy because of cancer is no longer a woman.
Sexual's libidos varies for one thing as well as how one views sex too, in what way it is important to someone. Maybe some see it as much less of an emotional thing and so for them it would be easier to overcome. Maybe they get emotional intimacy from sex but have another thing as a priority hence can find a way to live without it. People could have different 'love languages' where physical intimacy is at the top of one person's list of needs whereas for another maybe they treasure words of affirmation, doing activities together, long conversations, acts of service for their loved one etc more and could compromise easier with having the sex end. Lara Black said it perfectly really with the comparison about losing a limb. Being okay about it is different to being overjoyed or ecstatic about the change as well in by book.  

Volkswagen placed some software in their diesel cars so that when it came to test for exhaust pollutants, the software recognised it was being tested and gave false readings. In the USA, all VW owners are being compensated but in Europe they are not. As I said, not a complete comparison between sexual and asexual but it was meant to be presented in a light mannered way! (Obviously, you haven't seen the news as it was headline stuff in 2014)

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MistySpring
23 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Volkswagen placed some software in their diesel cars so that when it came to test for exhaust pollutants, the software recognised it was being tested and gave false readings. In the USA, all VW owners are being compensated but in Europe they are not. As I said, not a complete comparison between sexual and asexual but it was meant to be presented in a light mannered way! (Obviously, you haven't seen the news as it was headline stuff in 2014)

Oh gotcha, yeah I did hear of that in the past though I don't drive myself so not any news that stick with me.  I see your point lol, I think I know what you mean...it says something about the difficulty in the other person figuring out that they are asexual later on in comparison to getting into a relationship knowing from the start? Having an idea about how the relationship was supposed to be, what one was 'signing up for' so to speak wasn't what it ended up being. I can relate to that since I have a possibly over the top way of feeling a need to check in that me and my partner are on the same page to try to prevent such happenings. Meaning I find it very important to communicate about these things but I personally have a tendency to over-analyze. 
One can probably assume that things can come up in a relationship that alters it but still with such a major part like sexual compatibility there is no doubt it will be rough. It actually sounds even trickier to handle than if it would be a loss of sexual desire for one person because of an illness or so. Since in the latter scenario the mutual sexual feelings had been there but got lost along the way whereas with someone being asexual at the end of the day it was just that no one understood it...that must feel like a huge betrayal wishing that the partner would have been more clear about the " terms" from the start.

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GLRDT
On 8/13/2017 at 7:55 AM, Ippiki-ookami said:

This is a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. It seems like from reading topics on sexual and asexual relationships the consensus or at least what seems to be what ends up happening is the asexual needs to compromise sexually in some form. But is there any hope that a sexual would actually be willing to 'give up' any form of sexual activity for the asexual?

Yes. I'm am sex neutral or sex favorable gray asexual. I compromise in that while I don't feel desire for sex, if my boyfriend and I watch a movie together or have a really good conversation and I feel emotional/ romantically closer to him, I can choose to lean more into initiating sexual things and then get more into the mood as we are kissing and then I can have fun with him.  Otherwise, I'm just not thinking about sex or needing it.  My boyfriend who is very sexual has compromised by learning how to get more of what he needs out of cuddling and kissing and doing non sexual activities with me to hold him over until we actually do have sex. I also seem to get sick a lot which on top of being gray asexual can often prevent us even more from having sex. He is patient and understanding. We wouldn't be able to have this relationship if our communication skills weren't so strong and we didn't love each other a lot. We talk about everything. We are working on finding the perfect balance sex wise, but we get closer and closer to doing that all the time. I will admit that if we get married, I do sometimes worry, our system we have going on won't work for him someday. Like maybe he is so in love with me, that he is in denial about what he really needs and he will get frustrated and feel like he is missing out on that sexual passion he wants. But for now (as in two and a half years) we've been doing really well!

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Apostle
1 hour ago, MistySpring said:

Oh gotcha, yeah I did hear of that in the past though I don't drive myself so not any news that stick with me.  I see your point lol, I think I know what you mean...it says something about the difficulty in the other person figuring out that they are asexual later on in comparison to getting into a relationship knowing from the start? Having an idea about how the relationship was supposed to be, what one was 'signing up for' so to speak wasn't what it ended up being. I can relate to that since I have a possibly over the top way of feeling a need to check in that me and my partner are on the same page to try to prevent such happenings. Meaning I find it very important to communicate about these things but I personally have a tendency to over-analyze. 
One can probably assume that things can come up in a relationship that alters it but still with such a major part like sexual compatibility there is no doubt it will be rough. It actually sounds even trickier to handle than if it would be a loss of sexual desire for one person because of an illness or so. Since in the latter scenario the mutual sexual feelings had been there but got lost along the way whereas with someone being asexual at the end of the day it was just that no one understood it...that must feel like a huge betrayal wishing that the partner would have been more clear about the " terms" from the start.

MistySpring, you have fully understood my meaning :D. Your command of the English language is exceptional and I commend you for this, especially as English may not be your mother tongue! (I'm guessing here of course as you are from Sweden but you may be English and living in Sweden)

I think most sexual men know that once women reach the menopause then things will be different. I knew that but was surprised when it happened to me at an early point in our marriage. Still, it could be worse, like one of us had a debilitating illness (MS or ME) or even an injury. I truly feel for both partners in this situation.

These posts are a great way of figuring out what direction to take, aren't they?

 

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alibali
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Well, as I have stated in previous posts, the choice I had was stay to bring up my very young family, one of whom was severely mentally disabled at birth, or leave. If I had wanted to I could have had an affair but my moral code is strong and I wanted to transfer that to my children. That doesn't mean to say that sex is not an important part of a relationship to me though, even 25 years on. Many people who divorce do so with emotion and not with their heads screwed on.

I stayed till my daughters left school at 18. Both disabled. I didn't want to split the family up. I didn't feel any moral obligation to stay after that.  If my ex had been more understanding and hadn't only been able to express intimacy via sex it may have been different in the latter years. We both made the choice not to separate prior to that though.

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Telecaster68

Ali

 

I get why only through sex would be a problem. I think that would be a problem for a lot to sexuals too. Would it have been different if sex had been one of various ways, like gifts, time, non sexual physical affection, etc? 

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