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Lamkirk

Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

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Apostle
19 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

The premise of the discussion is faulty. You are talking about relationships, as if their specific purpose were to fulfill sexual desires. This is not the case. I'm sexual, I'm in a relationship with an asexual, I'm in a state of despair over the lack of sex in my life. These are all true. However, this does not mean I'm incompatible with my partner. It just means my relationship is built around other things than sex. My unfulfilled sexual desires are a separate issue.

The title of the topic is 'are sexuals and asexuals compatible?' NOBODY, yet NOBODY is compatible with another. Relationships are all about compromise, no matter how small or large and no matter who gives and who takes.

For some though, sexual compromise is one step too far. It's like part of their soul being snatched away and there is nothing that can be done except move on in another direction to maintain sanity.

Good luck to you Mr Dane. I hope you can stop suffering so much on these posts. I beg you to move on in your life, one way or another. You don't talk about your partner at all..........how does she feel about your situation or doesn't she know?

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marriedtoanace

Everything is really black and white in this thread.

 

Allosexuality is a spectrum just like asexuality a spectrum.  There are people (like me) who have very high libidos.  I need sex in a relationship. I married an ace not knowing she was one (kids, don't save sex for marriage if sex is important to you!), over the course of 5 years had sex maybe a dozen times, and half of those times were in the first 6 months of our marriage. 

 

I tried to justify it saying that I could give anything up for her. I  couldn't. I was miserable. I felt unwanted and undesired.  If you're sexual but can give it up, GREAT! That doesn't mean that everyone else can or should.  

 

I find @Rawrth's statements offensive.  I tried for years to overcome my need for sex with my spouse, and I couldn't. That doesn't mean I don't love her.  I do, I truly do.  I tried for years.  Don't demean people that have different needs than you or belittle their relationships. Shocked to see a post like that on this forum.  Everyone here (in the friends and allies forum) should know the damage and misery abstinence in a relationship can cause.  They probably wouldn't be here otherwise.  

 

There's nothing wrong with not needing sex. There's nothing wrong with needing sex.  There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship due to mismatched needs when a compromise can't be reached, which when you have a very high libido person with a complete ace, there is no acceptable compromise.  

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Rawrth
5 hours ago, marriedtoanace said:

Everything is really black and white in this thread.

 

Allosexuality is a spectrum just like asexuality a spectrum.  There are people (like me) who have very high libidos.  I need sex in a relationship. I married an ace not knowing she was one (kids, don't save sex for marriage if sex is important to you!), over the course of 5 years had sex maybe a dozen times, and half of those times were in the first 6 months of our marriage. 

 

I tried to justify it saying that I could give anything up for her. I  couldn't. I was miserable. I felt unwanted and undesired.  If you're sexual but can give it up, GREAT! That doesn't mean that everyone else can or should.  

 

I find @Rawrth's statements offensive.  I tried for years to overcome my need for sex with my spouse, and I couldn't. That doesn't mean I don't love her.  I do, I truly do.  I tried for years.  Don't demean people that have different needs than you or belittle their relationships. Shocked to see a post like that on this forum.  Everyone here (in the friends and allies forum) should know the damage and misery abstinence in a relationship can cause.  They probably wouldn't be here otherwise.  

 

There's nothing wrong with not needing sex. There's nothing wrong with needing sex.  There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship due to mismatched needs when a compromise can't be reached, which when you have a very high libido person with a complete ace, there is no acceptable compromise.  

 

What part of my statements were offensive? I didn't say that there's anything wrong with wanting or needing sex. I think that's perfectly fine. I'm pansexual myself. I was just saying that not every single sexual on this planet needs sex. Like you, I was trying to say not everything is black and white. I'm very sorry if I said something upsetting, but it definitely wasn't intentional. I feel like I've been severely misunderstood. I completely understand that not everyone is the same - as that is actually what my point was in the first place :)

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JDP

It's human nature to generalize from the specific. Everybody does it now and then. Geez.

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Sally

I just want to say hello to Tele and Tar -- haven't seen either of you for a long time on AVEN and it's nice to have you back (if only for several of these threads).  

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marriedtoanace
3 hours ago, Rawrth said:

 

What part of my statements were offensive? I didn't say that there's anything wrong with wanting or needing sex. I think that's perfectly fine. I'm pansexual myself. I was just saying that not every single sexual on this planet needs sex. Like you, I was trying to say not everything is black and white. I'm very sorry if I said something upsetting, but it definitely wasn't intentional. I feel like I've been severely misunderstood. I completely understand that not everyone is the same - as that is actually what my point was in the first place :)

I'm shocked whenever I hear that someone wouldn't want to have a partner they couldn't have sex with. Love is love, and if that love is

true love, it should be able to overcome abstinence.

 

It implies that people that break up due to sexual incompatibility don't love each other enough. Sorry if I misinterpreted.  

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Jackninja5

Maybe they can be. Sexual intercourse could be something done only for the purpose of reproduction and it is entirely possible for sexuals to have relationships without intercourse.

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Telecaster68
Quote

it is entirely possible for sexuals to have relationships without intercourse.

Just as it's entirely possible for asexuals to have relationships with sex every day. At least one of the partners is likely to be unhappy though. 

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Icebearpanda

I had written a bunch of stuff but I'm tired and am not at my most compassionate. Yes, I think that aces and sexuals can be compatible. I think if sex is something you require, then you need to think long and hard about what kind of relationship you want- but everyone has to do that anyway.

Edited by Icebearpanda
Tired and not wanting to start anything right now

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marriedtoanace
1 hour ago, Icebearpanda said:

I had written a bunch of stuff but I'm tired and am not at my most compassionate. Yes, I think that aces and sexuals can be compatible. I think if sex is something you require, then you need to think long and hard about what kind of relationship you want- but everyone has to do that anyway.

You don't have to think that hard about it. It's a simple matter of "sex is important to me, I should be in a relationship that wants to have sex with me".  That's all that's needed on that topic.  

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Sally
On 8/16/2017 at 8:30 AM, Apostle said:

Not sure 'winning' is the right word to use in this context. Living together with a partner will always require some form of compromise, sexual or not. It's just that for many sexual orientated people, the physical connection is very, very important to them. This doesn't always seem to be recognised by asexuals, hence the angst of the sexuals. 

I don't plan on getting out either, but, and it's a very big but, there will always be that thought in the back of your head that is saddened as to what might have been.

As for you Ladygirl, I don't know if you are a sexual or an asexual but if you are an asexual, surely you must only speak for yourself and not necessarily for your partner?

Ladygirl is a sexual.  Why don't you simply take what she says as what she feels and not try to correct her?  

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Apostle
3 hours ago, Sally said:

Ladygirl is a sexual.  Why don't you simply take what she says as what she feels and not try to correct her?  

You only ever get one side of a story on these posts hence the question. How on earth was I supposed to know what side of the coin she was speaking from? Yes, it does make a difference as many sexuals and asexuals cannot see the others point of view. 

Her partner may have a different view on the situation so it would be appreciated if you don't criticize and be more helpful to the questions relevant to the situations.

I also cannot see how you can say that I am trying to 'correct' her? I don't know what you mean by this.

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MrDane
On 18/8/2017 at 0:18 PM, Apostle said:

The title of the topic is 'are sexuals and asexuals compatible?' NOBODY, yet NOBODY is compatible with another. Relationships are all about compromise, no matter how small or large and no matter who gives and who takes.

For some though, sexual compromise is one step too far. It's like part of their soul being snatched away and there is nothing that can be done except move on in another direction to maintain sanity.

Good luck to you Mr Dane. I hope you can stop suffering so much on these posts. I beg you to move on in your life, one way or another. You don't talk about your partner at all..........how does she feel about your situation or doesn't she know?

Thanks @Apostle Well, I do talk about her. And I do not talk that much to her about this, since it will just put more on her to-do-list. Generally, i am a happy man, with the best wife and best kids. 

 

I do use this site as a platform to vent my thougths. it is about the rock in my shoe. Not always annoying, but always there. Sometimes you step down and feel pain. Other times you forget about the small rock.

 

move on with my life? Move where? I have love here, what else could I want? 

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alibali

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone sexual ever again. Too much pressure, guilt and resentment to blight any love.

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Rawrth

.

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nanogretchen4

Rawrth, I think alibali made a perfectly legitimate and rational comment based on personal experience. People have every right to speak their own truth about what works for them in real life. The longterm happiness of real people in real life is much more important than some theory about how sex shouldn't be important or love should conquer all.

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alibali
1 hour ago, Rawrth said:

Wow

This is my own personal decision after 30 odd years of experience trying to make things work with not only different sexual needs, but not understanding one another's needs. As far as I understand it, not feeling it myself, sex is supposed to be both partner's being intoxicated with each other and it being an intimate glue that helps keep people attached. I don't deny that compromises can be reached, but that is a conscious decision. I would rather have honest friendships. I do not want to have sex ever again under any circumstances. Being close to someone intimately physically is horrible to me, so why put myself through it.

 

I still care about my ex. My most important person is my daughter, and I would do anything for her. I have great friendships and I love my close friends. 

 

Just no sex....lol

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alibali

And while I think it is possible to compromise in theory, in practice it is harder. I was once chucked out the front door, only in a nightie, because I didn't want to compromise on a particular night.  He was not abusive in any way other than  that one occasion  but I think I compromised pretty much all the time after that until we split up. In my 23 year marriage, agreed my husband compromised for the last 10 years of that more than I did, but blamed me and withdrew from me.  He blames me still even after I realised I had been ace all my life without realising and explained it.  I don't blame myself for being not interested in any relationship that involves sex. I am sure that some people can make it work though and good luck to them.

 

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Apostle
On 8/23/2017 at 4:45 PM, MrDane said:

Thanks @Apostle Well, I do talk about her. And I do not talk that much to her about this, since it will just put more on her to-do-list. Generally, i am a happy man, with the best wife and best kids. 

 

I do use this site as a platform to vent my thougths. it is about the rock in my shoe. Not always annoying, but always there. Sometimes you step down and feel pain. Other times you forget about the small rock.

 

move on with my life? Move where? I have love here, what else could I want? 

Yes, your rock in the shoe is my elephant in the room. You have to be careful about discussing certain topics in case they may lead to difficult conversational moments! I am the same as you with my wife and children.......love them to bits. Difficult, isn't it?

 

22 hours ago, alibali said:

And while I think it is possible to compromise in theory, in practice it is harder. I was once chucked out the front door, only in a nightie, because I didn't want to compromise on a particular night.  He was not abusive in any way other than  that one occasion  but I think I compromised pretty much all the time after that until we split up. In my 23 year marriage, agreed my husband compromised for the last 10 years of that more than I did, but blamed me and withdrew from me.  He blames me still even after I realised I had been ace all my life without realising and explained it.  I don't blame myself for being not interested in any relationship that involves sex. I am sure that some people can make it work though and good luck to them.

 

It's an unfair world, isn't it? Two people work hard for years and years to get the relationship to work and then it all goes wrong.

No wonder that less people in the West are getting married though........and even harder for men as generally they lose everything, house, kids etc when the split occurs.

One last thought though. Compromise over sex will never really work as the sexual partner will always feel that the asexual partner is only doing a favour. For sexuals, part of the act expresses their love so effectively the love will disappear over time and it will just be a mechanical act. Best not to interact at all to save any angst. That's how I feel about the situation anyway although others may disagree. 

I've never chucked my partner out the door though!

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Apostle
On 8/23/2017 at 11:32 PM, alibali said:

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone sexual ever again. Too much pressure, guilt and resentment to blight any love.

And vice versa.

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Apostle
On 8/22/2017 at 2:21 AM, Icebearpanda said:

I had written a bunch of stuff but I'm tired and am not at my most compassionate. Yes, I think that aces and sexuals can be compatible. I think if sex is something you require, then you need to think long and hard about what kind of relationship you want- but everyone has to do that anyway.

There are a few sexuals on this post who would disagree with you on your rose tinted view of a relationship. A person meets another, they seem to get on well, they get married, have kids then...........wham! One suddenly says they didn't know they were asexual and that part of the relationship becomes a topic of distress. Love can still exist though but as Mr Dane states and I agree, there is always a little rock in the shoe that reminds that person of a lost part of the relationship. It will always be there, it never leaves you.

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Telecaster68
Quote

if sex is something you require, then you need to think long and hard about what kind of relationship you want- but everyone has to do that anyway

99% of people would say absolutely, yes, it is something they require. Are you implying they're at fault somehow?

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alibali
14 minutes ago, Apostle said:

 

Now happily single and "coming out" gradually.  Note my ex didn't want me to leave even though we were sexually incompatible. He just thought it was possible for me to change, fix myself, find some desire or compromise. I could, and did compromise for many years. What I didn't realise until after we had split up is that it is impossible to make yourself sexual, if you just don't feel it.

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Rawrth

.

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BinaryFission

Like almost everyone said here, relationships between a sexual and asexual will be a lot of work and compromise. For one thing, the sexual person and the asexual person must be both willing and open to have this sort of relationship. Not everyone can just agree to something this big, and nor should we expect them to agree. These types of relationships I believe belong in the MOM relationship category (Mixed Orientation [I forgot the last one]). I have been in these relationships, and I have to say that it's definitely not easy. It's like everyone in this world comes with a cupcake (physical cupcake, yes). Some people come with sprinkles, others don't, and others tell people that they aren't interested in their cupcake, and they hope the other person wouldn't be too much interested in theirs either. Some people would agree to this, but most people wouldn't because they probably not faced or met anyone in their lives yet that could possibly want them, but refuse to have their cupcake in exchange for theirs. (I hope this somehow explains how difficult it is for someone to just "agree" to a MOM relationship). These people that do agree would most likely be pretty close to you and care for you that they are willing to sacrifice something that they desire to have (well, maybe something occasionally, depending on what the deal is). 

 

 

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nanogretchen4

I genuinely don't understand why it would be important to a sexual who is not already in a mixed relationship with an asexual to believe that sexuals and asexuals are compatible. As I've already said, I understand why people want to make existing relationships work, but why seek out new mixed relationships? Asexuals sometimes make the argument that other asexuals are so scarce that there's no point even looking for them, so they're better off dating sexuals and just hoping they don't want sex. I think that's a flawed argument, but it's an argument. But what about sexuals? They are in the majority, and the whole world of dating and marriage was set up for their benefit. They have a large pool of other sexuals to choose from. Why on earth would sexuals reject every potential partner willing to have a typical sexual and romantic relationship with them and do lots of extra work to locate people with a rare incompatible orientation? Does it make sense to assume sexuals can find asexuals yet asexuals can't find each other? If asexuals can find each other, shouldn't sexuals maybe leave them alone and let them date each other instead of persuading asexuals to waste all their time and energy on mixed relationship drama?

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Philip027
Quote

I don't have a problem with the first half of their sentence. it's the second half that makes me feel bad.

"I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone sexual ever again. Too much pressure, guilt and resentment to blight any love."
 

As a sexual, (or even if I weren't), it's really upsetting to see someone say that sexuals will bring pressure and guilt and resentment.

The thing is, for some of us, that's what our relationships with sexual people have gotten us: a lot of pressure, a lot of guilt, and a lot of resentment, all centering around our inability to be like the rest of the 99%.  After you experience this sort of thing often enough, or for long enough, you tend to start getting jaded and avoidant.

 

If you're not the sort to bring that kind of mentality upon an asexual, then you're one of the better ones.  But simply not everyone is like that, and when those people are all you end up with...

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FictoVore.
4 hours ago, Rawrth said:

Okay. I had to take a few days to compose myself because every time I think of this comment, I still feel awful. But I'll try to explain.

 

I don't have a problem with the first half of their sentence. it's the second half that makes me feel bad.

"I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone sexual ever again. Too much pressure, guilt and resentment to blight any love."
 

As a sexual, (or even if I weren't), it's really upsetting to see someone say that sexuals will bring pressure and guilt and resentment.

Change "sexual" to anything else. Imagine if they had said, "I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a black person ever again. Too much pressure, guilt, and resentment." 

Or maybe "Christian". Or perhaps "Brunette". Or even "someone who wakes up at 7am every day". 

 

I don't like being put into a group that apparently puts pressure on others and guilts them and makes them resent me. I wouldn't ever do that. I would never pressure someone into having sex with me. I'd feel awful if they felt guilty. I'd do everything in my power to make sure that didn't happen. And if they resented me? I'd be heartbroken. 

 

This comment has really gotten to me. It made my experience on this site much less enjoyable. I know it's stupid, but I just feel awful whenever I remember it.

 

You need to stop taking comments online to heart so intensely :o I'm not asexual, but even I'm not sure I could have a relationship with 98% of sexuals out there. Back when I was identifying as ace, I was very, very certain that I'd never have a relationship with a sexual again, and was very open about it here. Even if that person would never ever ask for sex, you as the ace still know inside they'd be happier with sex in the relationship.. and that's just a killer (for me anyway) when you know you can't give the person that you love something that they need to be happy..you are unable to want something so deeply pleasurable to the person you love. It's neither person's fault, BUT both people would be unhappy at some level in a relationship like that so I personally would just never go there. For an aware asexual (or even for someone like myself who is too sexual to be ace but still in some weird greyish area) there would automatically be pressure to have sex if in a relationship with the average sexual, even if the person says 'im happy never to have sex again for your sake'.. I'd still feel inwardly the pressure of knowing what my partner is missing for my sake. Then I'd feel guilt, sorrow, shame, and I may end up resenting my partner even though it's absolutely not their fault, for me having to live with those negative feelings and for knowing they COULD potentially be happier and more fulfilled with someone else. And I'd definitely resent myself in many ways as a result of all of this and my inability to desire regular sexual intimacy. So I can totally see where alibali is coming from, for BOTH partner's sakes. You voiced in your own comment how heartbroken you'd feel over your partner feeling that pressure, so both partners would just be miserable! I imagine I'll only ever be able to have relationships with people in the foggy grey area because I just know a relationship with someone who has been fully sexual all their adult life would end in a lot of unhappiness for us both. That's nothing against sexuals though, and nothing against aces, it's just part of being a human trying to cope romantically in this confusing world!! There are of course many sexuals who would NEVER want to date an ace, and that's fine too :):cake:

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alibali

I apologise if you have taken this to heart. I didn't mean to generalise although I do think any mixed relationship is going to be difficult.

 

However speaking as someone who is asexual, and regardless of direct pressure I still felt pressured to have sex and to initiate it. It killed any love because it was going against the grain of who I am. And I felt resentful because that feeling of never being able to feel the same way about something very important to him, and evidently important, in general and to most people, to a good relationship continued and would continue. And I never felt good enough. Never felt like I could "love" enough because I couldn't enjoy that aspect of relationships and was repulsed by it.

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alibali
5 hours ago, Rawrth said:

Okay. I had to take a few days to compose myself because every time I think of this comment, I still feel awful. But I'll try to explain.

 

I don't have a problem with the first half of their sentence. it's the second half that makes me feel bad.

"I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone sexual ever again. Too much pressure, guilt and resentment to blight any love."
 

As a sexual, (or even if I weren't), it's really upsetting to see someone say that sexuals will bring pressure and guilt and resentment.

Change "sexual" to anything else. Imagine if they had said, "I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a black person ever again. Too much pressure, guilt, and resentment." 

Or maybe "Christian". Or perhaps "Brunette". Or even "someone who wakes up at 7am every day". 

 

I don't like being put into a group that apparently puts pressure on others and guilts them and makes them resent me. I wouldn't ever do that. I would never pressure someone into having sex with me. I'd feel awful if they felt guilty. I'd do everything in my power to make sure that didn't happen. And if they resented me? I'd be heartbroken. 

 

This comment has really gotten to me. It made my experience on this site much less enjoyable. I know it's stupid, but I just feel awful whenever I remember it.

 

One of my favorite quotes is,


"The minute you stop talking about individuals and start talking about a group, your judgment has a flaw in it.”
― David Levithan

 

I hope we can all live by this quote. I'd never say that asexuals bring too much pressure/guilt/resentment. 

I do find it quite offensive that my comment can be equated to my being racist. That is also a generalisation. I didn't actually say that sexuals bring too much pressure/guilt/resentment. Yes I have been directly pressured into sex, but the feelings I referred to are the ones that developed over time in a mixed orientation (though I didnt know it) long term relationship, within myself, and I would never go into a relationship again on that basis.

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