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Lamkirk

Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

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Telecaster68

Both sides will be compromising... At a minimum, the sexual isn't being desired, which is just as important as the act itself, and in almost cases, the act itself will be less frequent then with a sexual partner. The average for sexual relationships is twice a week, as a very broad brush figure. 

 

The number of sexuals happily willing to give up all sex is probably the same number of asexuals who'd happily have rampant sex everyday for years. 

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Lady Girl
14 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

The number of sexuals happily willing to give up all sex is probably the same number of asexuals who'd happily have rampant sex everyday for years. 

I would probably agree with this. I was really surprised to find out that I could be happy without sex and willingly gave it up.

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gaogao
On 8/11/2017 at 10:56 AM, Iam-me said:

There are several kinds of compatibility:

- Sexual

- Emotional / Romantic / Communicative

- Intellectual

- Social

- Economical (yup, according to some people I have read this one counts too)

- About future plans.

- Hobbies / activities / professions. 

 

If you can have a good match of most of those except one and if both can handle to manage without it, it could be worthy, now if you try to base a relationship only in one or two of those compatibility, then it will fail for sure.   I personally wouldn't encourage any asexual to go an seek a relationship with a sexual person. If it happened that this person didn't know and are already trying to manage everything, then good luck! And  good luck to you too. :) 

I agree with this.

 

Also no two people are actually going to be 100% compatible on all these scales. Fundamentally, all people are incompatible in some way to varying degrees, it's just that aces and sexuals are incompatible on quite a significant point. Where incompatibility exists the only way to make a relationship work is to communicate and compromise - but there must be some overlap, and no two people are the same even if they share the same sexuality. There's an ideal situation and acceptable situation for all these points. 

 

i.e Let's take Future Plans as an easy example, which is also a pretty significant point of compatibility:

 

(1) COMPLETELY COMPATIBLE: Both Person A and person B would like to plan for 3 children (Ideal)

(2) SOMEWHAT (IN)COMPATIBLE (COMPROMISE POSSIBLE) : Person A would like to have 3 children and person B didn't plan to have their own but really likes kids. They discuss, communicate, decide to compromise in order to stay together and plan for 1 child. (Not Ideal, but acceptable

(3) COMPLETELY INCOMPATIBLE (COMPROMISE IMPOSSIBLE): Person A really wants three children and person B dislikes children and never wants to have one. This is never going to be okay even if everything else in their relationship seems fine. They don't communicate, and if either of them does, they fight about whether person B will "compromise" and have a child, and person A will feel like they are compromising for as long as they are together and childless. (One party will always be in an unacceptable situation.) 

 

Under (2) - COMPROMISE POSSIBLE, person B might change their mind and decide even though they like other people's children they actually really don't want their own / they think 1 child is more than enough, and person A might decide they still want 3 children after only having 1, so there is a very real possibility it might progress to become more like relationship (3) where compromise no longer works. Equally though, there is the situation where even if neither party gets 100% of what they want on this point, they may have high compatibility on all the other points, so they can still be happy together. 

 

How it goes from that point onward just depends very much on the people themselves, their other (in)compatibilities and whether they can communicate well to make such compromises work, and how that compromise and relationship progresses. With good communication, even if a (2) turns into a (3) there can be an amicable split and resolution, which I think is important when both parties recognise things aren't working.

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nanogretchen4

Parenting is not something you can do halfway. In couple #2, either they are actually going to have a child or they are not. If person B pretends they are willing to have a child soon but not quite yet, stringing person A along until they are almost too old to have a child and then revealing that they aren't willing to have a child after all, that's not okay. Maybe person A will give up and stay because they don't think they can go through a messy breakup, find another partner now that they've reached an age where everyone else is married with kids, and start all over from scratch in the short time they have left. The fact remains that person A's prospects for a happy life are much worse than if person B had left them alone in the first place and let them find someone compatible. On the other hand, if they do have a child, once they are born person B is responsible for them, fulltime, for at least 18 years. Person B has no acceptable choice at that point but to be a committed and loving parent. If person B truly doesn't get any satisfaction out of parenting, I guess the next 18 years are going to be hell for person B. Again, things would have gone better for all concerned if person B had been self aware and honest from the get go.

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JessiBird

In any incompatible situation, the relationship is simply more likely to fail. Compromise and communication is needed, such as in the case about a people deciding to have children. If a compromise can be reached, and enough is exchanged between two partners, then I believe that a relationship can work. It's when those differences becomes wedges that fuel arguments and/or communication is lacking that differences in compatibility can harm a relationship. 

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Apostle
On 8/14/2017 at 5:53 AM, Lady Girl said:

I would probably agree with this. I was really surprised to find out that I could be happy without sex and willingly gave it up.

Nobody wins in a sexual/asexual relationship. There will always be some form of unhappiness from one or both partners.

Best not to get together in the first place or if you are together, get out as quickly as possible. Saves a lot of angst.

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Ray Nimrod

It seems like everyone here is talking from a monogamous point of vue. Couldn't a polyamory relationship be a solution to avoid frustration or compromises reluctantly done, as the sexual partner could engage in sexual activities with another being ? 

I might be wrhong on this, and I know polyamory is definitely not for everyone, but I think that, for some relationship, it could be fit for the partners to talk about this possibilty.

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MrDane
On 13/8/2017 at 2:55 PM, Ippiki-ookami said:

This is a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. It seems like from reading topics on sexual and asexual relationships the consensus or at least what seems to be what ends up happening is the asexual needs to compromise sexually in some form. But is there any hope that a sexual would actually be willing to 'give up' any form of sexual activity for the asexual?

The sexual has a thirst and needs to drink to feel comfortable. Some sexuals compromises by not having sex like abstinence or celibacy. Others by joining sexclubs or having another sex partner. 

 

I would be miserable if I gave up on ever having sex. It kind of feels like a drug addiction, but combined with love. Question is, how much would my ability to enjoy life be clouded by this stupid need? 

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JDP
38 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I would be miserable if I gave up on ever having sex. 

You get used to it.

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Lady Girl
6 hours ago, Apostle said:

Nobody wins in a sexual/asexual relationship. There will always be some form of unhappiness from one or both partners.

Best not to get together in the first place or if you are together, get out as quickly as possible. Saves a lot of angst.

Actually, I feel like we are both winning. I certainly don't plan on getting out. I think some couples can work through the difficult times and come out okay. I sure feel like we did.

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Rawrth
8 hours ago, MrDane said:

The sexual has a thirst and needs to drink to feel comfortable. Some sexuals compromises by not having sex like abstinence or celibacy. Others by joining sexclubs or having another sex partner. 

 

I would be miserable if I gave up on ever having sex. It kind of feels like a drug addiction, but combined with love. Question is, how much would my ability to enjoy life be clouded by this stupid need? 

This isn't true. I'm sexual, but I don't need a "drink" to feel comfortable.

 

I think a lot of people don't even realize that that some sexuals go years without sex, or are even virgins until well into their adult life. Some are waiting for marriage or just aren't really ready yet (but still feel sexual attraction and want to have sex one day). 

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Telecaster68

What percentage would you say 'some' is in that context? 

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Nidwin

Nope, they are not sexual compatible at all if the question relates to sexual compatibility.

 

Compromising/making it work =/= compatible

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gaogao
On 8/15/2017 at 3:54 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

Parenting is not something you can do halfway. In couple #2, either they are actually going to have a child or they are not. If person B pretends they are willing to have a child soon but not quite yet, stringing person A along until they are almost too old to have a child and then revealing that they aren't willing to have a child after all, that's not okay. Maybe person A will give up and stay because they don't think they can go through a messy breakup, find another partner now that they've reached an age where everyone else is married with kids, and start all over from scratch in the short time they have left. The fact remains that person A's prospects for a happy life are much worse than if person B had left them alone in the first place and let them find someone compatible. On the other hand, if they do have a child, once they are born person B is responsible for them, fulltime, for at least 18 years. Person B has no acceptable choice at that point but to be a committed and loving parent. If person B truly doesn't get any satisfaction out of parenting, I guess the next 18 years are going to be hell for person B. Again, things would have gone better for all concerned if person B had been self aware and honest from the get go.

Actually... I agree and this is why I chose the topic of parenting - though it's also not the best comparison because children are a lot more permanent than sexual relationships... :/ On the other hand, a lot of people argue the same about sexual compromise between aces and sexuals not being something one can do halfway either, and that person B should have been more self-aware, etc. Maybe I should have made couple #2 more like.. Person A wants three kids and person B wanted just one child and isn't keen on having more.. and they compromise at 2?

 

Anyway, the point I kind of wanted to make here is that in couple #2, both person A and person B need to keep a thorough and involved dialogue going about parenting - so that neither person starts "hiding" their true feelings and it's possible to see where couple #2 becomes couple #3 and gives both parties a chance to get out before more time is wasted. It kind of strikes me as a bit relevant that where there is no communication and one party has been stringing the other along with the promise of occasional sex, a lot of the scenarios you talked about here also apply to ace relationships which started out on compromise and children became involved.

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MrDane
10 hours ago, Rawrth said:

This isn't true. I'm sexual, but I don't need a "drink" to feel comfortable.

 

I think a lot of people don't even realize that that some sexuals go years without sex, or are even virgins until well into their adult life. Some are waiting for marriage or just aren't really ready yet (but still feel sexual attraction and want to have sex one day). 

I will rephrase!

 

This sexual has a thirst and needs to take a sip, once in a while to feel fully comfortable on all levels. Otherwise I will feel a thirst which can be prosponed by other actions  of love, but not quenched completely!

 

...sex is like a drug that opens me up and makes me feel grounded. 

 

Perhaps a bad comparison, but giving up on sex is like giving up on humour. " my jokes are not appreciated and therefore I stop being funny" ...and please no fake laugther!

 

of course it is possible to not have sex! Question is when do you compromise so much that you lose essential part of who you are.

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Apostle
18 hours ago, asexjoe said:

You get used to it.

Getting used to it doesn't mean you or your partner are 100% happy though, does it?

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JDP
7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Getting used to it doesn't mean you or your partner are 100% happy though, does it?

True, but 100 percent happiness is impossible.

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Apostle
14 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

Actually, I feel like we are both winning. I certainly don't plan on getting out. I think some couples can work through the difficult times and come out okay. I sure feel like we did.

Not sure 'winning' is the right word to use in this context. Living together with a partner will always require some form of compromise, sexual or not. It's just that for many sexual orientated people, the physical connection is very, very important to them. This doesn't always seem to be recognised by asexuals, hence the angst of the sexuals. 

I don't plan on getting out either, but, and it's a very big but, there will always be that thought in the back of your head that is saddened as to what might have been.

As for you Ladygirl, I don't know if you are a sexual or an asexual but if you are an asexual, surely you must only speak for yourself and not necessarily for your partner?

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Apostle
3 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

True, but 100 percent happiness is impossible.

True, but 75% is better than 25%

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JDP
5 minutes ago, Apostle said:

True, but 75% is better than 25%

What are you suggesting, then.


Mr. Dane said he would be miserable if he ever gave up on sex.

 

I implied that he would be miserable either way.

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Lady Girl
1 minute ago, Apostle said:

Not sure 'winning' is the right word to use in this context. Living together with a partner will always require some form of compromise, sexual or not. It's just that for many sexual orientated people, the physical connection is very, very important to them. This doesn't always seem to be recognised by asexuals, hence the angst of the sexuals. 

I don't plan on getting out either, but, and it's a very big but, there will always be that thought in the back of your head that is saddened as to what might have been.

As for you Ladygirl, I don't know if you are a sexual or an asexual but if you are an asexual, surely you must only speak for yourself and not necessarily for your partner?

I used the term winning because you said nobody wins in a mixed orientation relationship. Physical connection isn't important to all sexual people (I know a couple of sexual people irl who are in relationships and are touch averse).

 

At any rate, I'm the sexual person in my relationship. I was definitely unhappy about the lack of physical activity for a long time but I haven't been bothered by it for about four years now. I feel content and happy with my relationship even though I realize it's not a traditional one. 

 

It's hard for me to post much simply because of that. People either don't believe me or dismiss me as an anomaly. Truth be told, I know other sexual members who don't ever post for the same reason...

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Telecaster68

It's a real shame they won't post. It could be helpful for everyone. I suspect it comes down to whether the sexual partner is willing to let go of something they feel is an important part of who they are, just as with asexual partners. 

 

I do think you *are* an anomaly though, but that's not a bad thing.

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MrDane

I have to say that when I speak about sexuals, then I think of people with a desire to have partnered sex. Who likes the actual sex and who benefits from doing it. Who enjoys the thought about it, and who under the rigth circumstances will look forward to it happening again. 

 

Low or close to non-existing libido and touch averse doesnt really fit into my categori of average sexual. My challenge in life is that I want sex.   ...and she does not! Could I just dismiss it and say "whatever!" Then everything would be much easier.

 

back to the OP: not compatible if:

1. It is important to A not to have sex

2. It is important to B to have sex

3. If being desired/wanted is a problem, then it can be quite hard as well (goes both ways)

"you never look at me and want to be with me"

or

"you look at me and want me, please dont!"

 

but if the relationship is already rolling and are otherwise nice, then the struggle to overcome the differences can be worthwhile.

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Apostle
3 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

I used the term winning because you said nobody wins in a mixed orientation relationship. Physical connection isn't important to all sexual people (I know a couple of sexual people irl who are in relationships and are touch averse).

 

At any rate, I'm the sexual person in my relationship. I was definitely unhappy about the lack of physical activity for a long time but I haven't been bothered by it for about four years now. I feel content and happy with my relationship even though I realize it's not a traditional one. 

 

It's hard for me to post much simply because of that. People either don't believe me or dismiss me as an anomaly. Truth be told, I know other sexual members who don't ever post for the same reason...

Well I'm in the same position as you then (sexual with an asexual partner) although I still find it very difficult to come to terms with the 'non touching in case I give off the wrong signal' syndrome.

However, by being on this site may mean that you are still not comfortable with your situation and the fact that you have posted over 24000 comments and replies means you are still searching for something, or am I off the mark?

Don't get me wrong............. I do sympathise with all people who post questions and queries in these posts and sometimes lay bare their lives for all to see. We're all searching for answers where sometimes there are none. 

And on the subject of physical connection, I don't necessarily mean having sex. It could just be touching your partner, or holding hands, that sort of thing.

That's what I miss most of all.

 

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Lara Black
On 15.08.2017 at 9:44 PM, Apostle said:

Nobody wins in a sexual/asexual relationship. There will always be some form of unhappiness from one or both partners.

Best not to get together in the first place or if you are together, get out as quickly as possible. Saves a lot of angst.

 

5 hours ago, Apostle said:

As for you Ladygirl, I don't know if you are a sexual or an asexual but if you are an asexual, surely you must only speak for yourself and not necessarily for your partner?

 

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

However, by being on this site may mean that you are still not comfortable with your situation and the fact that you have posted over 24000 comments and replies means you are still searching for something, or am I off the mark?

Is it important for you to prove to others that sexuals can’t be happy in their mixed relationships? What for? Would it make things easier for you or do you hope to “save” them from the heartache you’re going through?

 

Sexual people *can* be happy in mixed relationships. Maybe not many people, but I’m one of them. So from where I stand, I don’t understand your motivation.

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Lady Girl
8 hours ago, Apostle said:

Well I'm in the same position as you then (sexual with an asexual partner) although I still find it very difficult to come to terms with the 'non touching in case I give off the wrong signal' syndrome.

However, by being on this site may mean that you are still not comfortable with your situation and the fact that you have posted over 24000 comments and replies means you are still searching for something, or am I off the mark?

Don't get me wrong............. I do sympathise with all people who post questions and queries in these posts and sometimes lay bare their lives for all to see. We're all searching for answers where sometimes there are none. 

And on the subject of physical connection, I don't necessarily mean having sex. It could just be touching your partner, or holding hands, that sort of thing.

That's what I miss most of all.

 

I was on for about a year working through compromising and such and just getting general advice. Then things sort of took a turn in a couple of ways...compromising wasn't really working anymore and I decided to run for an AVEN moderator position.

 

We had been compromising for most of our marriage, just not with the understanding that asexuality was a part of the equation. It was hard for me to give it up entirely. But that sadness and difficulty only lasted for about a year, and I really am content now. For me it mostly has to do with how I think about it.

 

I've been on the AVEN staff for almost five years (I really wanted to give back to the community since being here helped me so much). For two of those years I moderated the Welcome Lounge and greeted every new member. So there was that along with staff related posting that has probably increased my post count.

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Apostle
16 hours ago, Lara Black said:

 

 

Is it important for you to prove to others that sexuals can’t be happy in their mixed relationships? What for? Would it make things easier for you or do you hope to “save” them from the heartache you’re going through?

 

Sexual people *can* be happy in mixed relationships. Maybe not many people, but I’m one of them. So from where I stand, I don’t understand your motivation.

That's exactly the point I am trying to make, some people cannot ever make the compromise and be happy. Just look at Mr Dane for an example. He is clearly not happy as he continually talks about sexual thirst and not being in a position to get what he thinks he needs to fulfil himself. He is not alone either. It is very difficult to stay in a relationship for some people if they truly love their partners and find one of the pillars of their relationship denied. Don't forget I am talking about both partners here, sexual and asexual who can be affected. I'm also not denying that some people can find happiness..........they are the lucky one's although they may have to work hard at it. You also have to remember that many healthy heterosexual men find the lack of sex in their relationship harder to tackle than women as it is in their DNA to reproduce, honed over millennia and also their productive sex life is a lot longer than that of a female, in general.

I've many female friends, now in their late fifties who still want a cuddle (from their partners) but no sex thank you. These women are not asexual, just women who have finished their productive sexual life and sex to them is somewhat of a drag. 

Most older men accept this (at least in the educated world) and go and potter about in their shed or take up a hobby to try and forget about their romantic encounters but a few slip through the net and abuse their seniority on younger females. 

Don't think I'm trying to be biased on the side of men. This is life and it has to be accepted. 

Reading through another post I came across a sexual married lady who's partner was asexual. She wanted children, he didn't want to have sex. Can you see that one working in the long term?  

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Tarfeather

The premise of the discussion is faulty. You are talking about relationships, as if their specific purpose were to fulfill sexual desires. This is not the case. I'm sexual, I'm in a relationship with an asexual, I'm in a state of despair over the lack of sex in my life. These are all true. However, this does not mean I'm incompatible with my partner. It just means my relationship is built around other things than sex. My unfulfilled sexual desires are a separate issue.

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MrDane
5 hours ago, Apostle said:

That's exactly the point I am trying to make, some people cannot ever make the compromise and be happy. Just look at Mr Dane for an example. He is clearly not happy as he continually talks about sexual thirst and not being in a position to get what he thinks he needs to fulfil himself. He is not alone either. It is very difficult to stay in a relationship for some people if they truly love their partners and find one of the pillars of their relationship denied. Don't forget I am talking about both partners here, sexual and asexual who can be affected. I'm also not denying that some people can find happiness..........they are the lucky one's although they may have to work hard at it. You also have to remember that many healthy heterosexual men find the lack of sex in their relationship harder to tackle than women as it is in their DNA to reproduce, honed over millennia and also their productive sex life is a lot longer than that of a female, in general.

I've many female friends, now in their late fifties who still want a cuddle (from their partners) but no sex thank you. These women are not asexual, just women who have finished their productive sexual life and sex to them is somewhat of a drag. 

Most older men accept this (at least in the educated world) and go and potter about in their shed or take up a hobby to try and forget about their romantic encounters but a few slip through the net and abuse their seniority on younger females. 

Don't think I'm trying to be biased on the side of men. This is life and it has to be accepted. 

Reading through another post I came across a sexual married lady who's partner was asexual. She wanted children, he didn't want to have sex. Can you see that one working in the long term?  

I am not happy about how my sex/romantic life is and therefore I feel this sadness creep in on me. A depressionlike cloud that occasionally surrounds me and irritates me and takes my breath away. Occupying your mind/body with other things can be a help.  But as people who has experienced the loss of a close family member, I can suddenly be overwhelmed with daydreams of what could have been. And for split seconds fool myself into believing that it could change. I heard the story about a mother who lost a teenage child in a car accident, but still, years after would fool herself into believing that she heard his voice or saw a glimpse of him in a passing bus. I look for signs that I know dont exist. Signs that the love of my life trembles softly with joy as I touch her. Why? Because I am hardwired to function that way. Hardwired to want her. Desperately and pathetically dreaming about her wanting me. Can I still be happy with her? Yes? Since it would be pure misery to be without her. More happy with her than in any form without her, equals as much happiness as possible.

 

 

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Acing It

I haven't read any of the other posts, but in answer to the OPs question.... my answer is: rarely.

I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone sexual. I would feel guilty for one. Unless... they have no libido at all and don't need a sexual relationship, but I guess that may mean they have a mental struggle going on in their minds.

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