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Lamkirk

Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

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Lamkirk

The saying goes "You can't help who you fall for" But what if that person is the opposite to you sexually? Is it worth it? And does it even work out long term? 

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podsnap

I don't know anyone in real life who would stay with someone if the sex wasn't good.

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swirl_of_blue

Depends on what you mean by "compatible". The relationship isn't going to be perfect in the sense of both pertners getting exactly what they want. Especially if a compromise is made with occasional sex it will depend a lot on what "type" of asexual one of the partners is: a sex-repulsed ace will have a much harder time with sexual relations with their partner than someone who's sex-neutral or even sex-positive. Of course it also depends on the sexual half of the couple, as not all sexuals desire sex at the same frequency. There is also the option of having an open or polyamorous relationship IF both partners are comfortable with that. So, it depends on the people in question. It can be worth trying, but there is always a big risk that it just won't work out.

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Lamkirk

Where does compatibility trump love? If I'm sexual but have a low sex drive, I would be comfortable with an asexual. However if I'm sexual and have a low sex drive but also need to be kissed and held, but my SO couldn't do that. Is that where compatibility trumps love? Do we simply fall in love with people despite these differences? If so, why when we know it's a recipe for disaster?

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vega57

SOME asexuals and sexuals can be 'compatible'.  But it's rare, an often takes a lot of work and compromise. 

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Deus Ex Infinity
30 minutes ago, Lamkirk said:

The saying goes "You can't help who you fall for" But what if that person is the opposite to you sexually? Is it worth it? And does it even work out long term? 

You might not be able to help it but it's certainly a difficult delicate task.  Everything's possible though. It just depends on the feelings and personalities.

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Lamkirk

@vega57 I've just read your comment on sex not being biological but rather psychological. Would you not say if it is psychological then those in a position of sexual vs asexual somebody could change from sexual to asexual and sexual to asexual?

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NerotheReaper

It can work not always, but it is up to the people to make it work together. Any relationship has its issues, but it is up the people to figure it out by talking out their emotions or reaching a compromise together.  

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Grinchmer

Sexuality is just one of the things everyone has to figure out when entering a relationship. There are a few basics - kids yes/no, city or countryside, pets yes/no... and the amount, shape and form of sexual contact is just one of these things that have to be negotiated. It's hard, but not impossible to make a "mixed" relationship work. A general take on this wouldn't be accurate.

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Confused.Kitten

I think it can work, at least if the ace isn't sex repulsed. If there is real love , everything can work.

It's a matter of respecting your partner needs and obstacles.

 

Im demi , I only feel attracted to people Im close with. I also have a low libido. However I date this super sexual dude who likes to masturbate at least twice a day. It seems to be a problem , but there isnt... cuz we respected each other and moved slowly till I felt I was able to take that step. And even after the first time, we always check if we are in the same mood , if THAT is what both of us want.

 

So yeah... it can work , sex is not the most important part of a relationship.

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podsnap
9 hours ago, Lamkirk said:

@podsnap would you say the sexual ideal of love is shallow?

I don't know almost any married couples who act like they like each other a lot. Most people act happiest when they're with their friends or that's what it looks like to me.

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TomBombadil

It is definitely possible - I've been in a committed, exclusive and happy relationship with an asexual for six years and it has worked very well for me. It probably helped that I am not the most sexual person in the world, but I am not asexual either. It was strange for me in the beginning, before she came out as an asexual, and I thought she did not find me attractive or liked me enough. When she found out about asexuality and started identifying with it, it actually got much easier for me and we started talking about each others needs. It turns out (at least some) asexuals can feel and enjoy physical pleasure too, even if it is not "sex" in the "traditional"/penetrative/mainstream-porn-kind of way. So now we're both happy and feel understood, supported and loved and I have a kick-ass life partner whom I could not do without, so absolutely, yes, you can have successful mixed relationships.

 

tl;dr : Yes, but communicate and make sure you know what you and your partner want out of the relationship :)

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nanogretchen4

I understand why couples who realize that one of the partners is asexual after they are already in a committed relationship want to find a way to save the relationship without making either partner miserable. The success rate is low, but it makes sense to try. What doesn't make sense to me is people who are currently single seeking incompatible partners in a premeditated way. Why do so many asexuals seem to think a mixed relationship is more desirable than a relationship with another asexual?

 

Yes, I realize that you have to do some work up front to date within a minority orientation. For the most part, gay people go right ahead and do that work, and they encourage other gay people to do the same. The asexual movement is newer than the LGBT movement, but asexuals have quite a few advantages that the LGBT movement did not have in the beginning. The asexual movement has had the internet from day one, which makes finding each other trivially easy compared to what gay people went through when I was growing up. Also, the LGBT movement has already happened, and the asexual movement can piggyback on the increased awareness and publicity about sexual orientations to a large degree. Finally, asexuals can come out with no risk of anything worse than some losers making fun of them. Asexuality has never been criminalized. No one has ever been fired for being asexual. Asexual dating sites may not be perfect, but gay dating sites simply did not exist when I was a young adult. And yet gay people persisted in the face of very real risk and discrimination and found other gay people to date. I just don't think the barriers to asexuals dating other asexuals are great enough to justify treating mixed relationships as the community norm.

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swirl_of_blue
4 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Why do so many asexuals seem to think a mixed relationship is more desirable than a relationship with another asexual?

I can't speak for others, but I personally have some reasons for considering mixed relationships.

 

1. I don't have opportunities for online ace dating. There isn't a proper ace community in my country, and no dating sites have an "ace" option. And no one uses international dating sites with better tools for finding aces (for example OKCupid).

2. I'm demiromantic, so even if I had opportunities for dating online I wouldn't be able to use them. I need to know a person on other grounds first before there is even a slight chance of desiring any sort of relationship with them.

3. I don't become attracted to people often, and if I keep waiting to develop attraction for an ace I might end up waiting until I die. I only develop attraction once in several years, and I don't want to have to wait decades for a chance to have a relationship. There is a good chance I will never meet another non-allosexual (or at least know of that someone's aceness/greysexuality/whatever) in my whole life. It's such a rarity for me to find a person I want a relationship with that I can't really afford not to act!

 

So to summarize, I feel that the chance of having a succesful relationship, or actually ANY relationship at all, is bigger if I consider any person I feel attraction towards, regardless of whether our sexualities match.

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JDP

I'm in a mixed marriage and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

I also loathe, detest, abjure and despise the word relationship as hopelessly vague. It has as much meaning as situation.

 

Is there really such a thing as asexual "dating?" If you meet someone and know exactly what's going to happen, if there is no sense of anticipation or anxiety, is it really a "date?"

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Graceful

I would say it entirely depends on the couple but it would be unlikely to work well. I do think they can be compatible under the right circumstances.

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ChickenPadSeeEew

Can't speak for others, but I am very happy with my allosexual partner and he with me. We're best friends, each other's 'go to' for everything. We are both super snugglers, and I am sex neutral / positive, though, which I suppose helps. Though he'd never pressure me or expect anything. We're both long term people, in it for life. :lol:

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Blondbear
On 8/8/2017 at 9:30 PM, asexjoe said:

I'm in a mixed marriage and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

I also loathe, detest, abjure and despise the word relationship as hopelessly vague. It has as much meaning as situation.

 

Is there really such a thing as asexual "dating?" If you meet someone and know exactly what's going to happen, if there is no sense of anticipation or anxiety, is it really a "date?"

 

I was also in a multi year mixed relationship and I know understand that it made no sense at all for me and for her. There are some incompatibilities (and I am not talking only about sex) that end up as deal breakers sooner or later. At the ends of the day you don't want to spend years of your life being miserable, when I read people in this site in mixed relationships asking for help and saying at the same time that they are depressed and that the relationship "works great", sorry, that is just not possible. People force themselves to fit in relationships that made them sad, and that is a nonsense. 

I totally think that some mixed marriages can compromise and it can work for them if they do, but both sides have to end up happy and satisfied with the balance, if compromising ends with somebody being miserable it is just not worth.

Of course it exists asexual dating and there are asexual couples and there will be even more in the future, what I am not sure at all is if the concept of asexuality is "relevant" or "accurate", it is very strange that 1% of population can't create a much bigger dating pool, Gay population have a big one and for them is quite easy to date, they are 3% (which in my opinion is also the real asexual %) , some people say that is because there is not much knowledge of asexuality, my theory is that an important % of asexuals don't want/like a relationship.

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Rawrth

Not all sexuals "need" to have sex with their partner. I'm shocked whenever I hear that someone wouldn't want to have a partner they couldn't have sex with. Love is love, and if that love is true love, it should be able to overcome abstinence. I'm not naive enough to believe everyone will have the same idea as me, but I know there are people who do. Sex isn't a requirement for compatibility. 

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Blondbear
11 minutes ago, Rawrth said:

Not all sexuals "need" to have sex with their partner. I'm shocked whenever I hear that someone wouldn't want to have a partner they couldn't have sex with. Love is love, and if that love is true love, it should be able to overcome abstinence. I'm not naive enough to believe everyone will have the same idea as me, but I know there are people who do. Sex isn't a requirement for compatibility. 

 

Absolutely not, love can't do anything, that is just not true, if love could do anything, love would make all sex repulsed ACEs have sex everyday with their partners. 

Love can't, in most cases, I am not talking about exceptions, overcome abstinence, love in fact is not a rock, love is the opposite, is something VERY fragile and can be destroyed easily for many reasons, not only sex.   

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AnotherMember

There are several kinds of compatibility:

- Sexual

- Emotional / Romantic / Communicative

- Intellectual

- Social

- Economical (yup, according to some people I have read this one counts too)

- About future plans.

- Hobbies / activities / professions. 

 

If you can have a good match of most of those except one and if both can handle to manage without it, it could be worthy, now if you try to base a relationship only in one or two of those compatibility, then it will fail for sure.   I personally wouldn't encourage any asexual to go an seek a relationship with a sexual person. If it happened that this person didn't know and are already trying to manage everything, then good luck! And  good luck to you too. :) 

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Rawrth
22 minutes ago, Blondbear said:

 

Absolutely not, love can't do anything, that is just not true, if love could do anything, love would make all sex repulsed ACEs have sex everyday with their partners. 

Love can't, in most cases, I am not talking about exceptions, overcome abstinence, love in fact is not a rock, love is the opposite, is something VERY fragile and can be destroyed easily for many reasons, not only sex.   

 

That's quite a sad opinion for you to have. I'll respect it but I definitely disagree.

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Blondbear
21 minutes ago, Rawrth said:

 

That's quite a sad opinion for you to have. I'll respect it but I definitely disagree.

 

Well, I am not sure if it is sad, it is just based on experience, from all the people I know only two are still with the first love they had, all the others broke up and fell out of love  later on. And there is no guarantee that in 5, 10 or 15 years those 2 that are still with their first love keep being in that relationship. I think love needs a lot of work, compatibility, good faith and happiness to survive.

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AnotherMember
On 8/8/2017 at 10:42 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

I understand why couples who realize that one of the partners is asexual after they are already in a committed relationship want to find a way to save the relationship without making either partner miserable. The success rate is low, but it makes sense to try. What doesn't make sense to me is people who are currently single seeking incompatible partners in a premeditated way. Why do so many asexuals seem to think a mixed relationship is more desirable than a relationship with another asexual?

 

Yes, I realize that you have to do some work up front to date within a minority orientation. For the most part, gay people go right ahead and do that work, and they encourage other gay people to do the same. The asexual movement is newer than the LGBT movement, but asexuals have quite a few advantages that the LGBT movement did not have in the beginning. The asexual movement has had the internet from day one, which makes finding each other trivially easy compared to what gay people went through when I was growing up. Also, the LGBT movement has already happened, and the asexual movement can piggyback on the increased awareness and publicity about sexual orientations to a large degree. Finally, asexuals can come out with no risk of anything worse than some losers making fun of them. Asexuality has never been criminalized. No one has ever been fired for being asexual. Asexual dating sites may not be perfect, but gay dating sites simply did not exist when I was a young adult. And yet gay people persisted in the face of very real risk and discrimination and found other gay people to date. I just don't think the barriers to asexuals dating other asexuals are great enough to justify treating mixed relationships as the community norm.

 

- First of all, I don't think anyone it's premeditated looking for an incompatible relationship. S#it happens, not only in the sexual world. 

- Second, It's not like there are tons of asexual dating sites, I somewhat agree with what @swirl_of_blue

- And last but not least,  it's not like you have a bunch of asexuals romantics in the same place and it will be a  fest of love, things aren't all that easy for everybody, there are many factors you have to account, like location, age, romantic/sexual orientation, expectations, likes and dislikes, personalities, and so on... same like in the sexual world, you know? Not because two persons are gay and sexual they have to click. So I guess if someone  realize that another person could be a potential partner but there may be a lack of sexual compatibility, if there can be an agreement and they can bear with it, it could be possible to make it last as much as it could any other kind of romantic relationship, which btw some are not so long lasting despite both being sexuals. Then, again, as I said before, I would not recommend any asexual who cannot negotiate about this to engage in a relationship with another partner that won't bear to negotiate sex.   

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AW10

Well, as long as sexual is fine with "asexual cannot have sexual feelings", they are compatible; even If sexual and asexual agree with certain sexual activities, only sexual can feel sexual feelings. So, compatibility of sexual and asexual is about feelings not activities.

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MrDane

I am sexual and love cannot cure me from my need to have sex or the depression which comes with the abstinence/celibacy. But love can make me accept my situation, but the need does not go away and to some extent when I am not getting some sex, then it can, in the long run, be difficult for me to receive love. It is a bit like running low on batteries. 

 

I think most asexuals would be better f by finding someone who are also low libido or just dont benefit a lot from sex.

 

i think there are easier issues or differences to overcome. He likes sport, she doesnt. He is introvert, she very social.

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Nowhere Girl

Even if both parties are willing to compromise (and the compromise space can be different in different cases, especially for sex-averse/repulsed aces it's very narrow), it isn't everything. When I gave it a try and was looking for a partner, at the very first the girl I was trying to pick up didn't know that I was asexual. When I told her, she later said that it would be very hard for her to be in a relationship with someone knowing that she doesn't "turn on" the other person. I also read something similar in some Polish forum. A man - whom I have to congratulate on his feeling of responsibility for his partner's wellbeing - was answering a question about pretty much the same topic as here. He wrote very similar things to my unrealized girlfriend - I could almost hear a sad-sighing tone in his writing - and added that he just wouldn't feel right about having sex with a woman who consented, but still remained completely unenthusiastic about the whole thing...

Yet I don't perceive "asexual" and "allosexual" as full opposites, it's more like a spectrum which runs from "nonlibidoist asexual" to "very sexual". So an important question is: what kind of sexual? If someone is not ace, but more towards the "asexual-ish" end of the spectrum, zhe could probably be compatible with an asexual. I also think that low-libido allosexuals would be more open to such an idea if society and culture didn't constantly tell us that relationship = sex.

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Ippiki-ookami

This is a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. It seems like from reading topics on sexual and asexual relationships the consensus or at least what seems to be what ends up happening is the asexual needs to compromise sexually in some form. But is there any hope that a sexual would actually be willing to 'give up' any form of sexual activity for the asexual?

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Rawrth
9 minutes ago, Ippiki-ookami said:

This is a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. It seems like from reading topics on sexual and asexual relationships the consensus or at least what seems to be what ends up happening is the asexual needs to compromise sexually in some form. But is there any hope that a sexual would actually be willing to 'give up' any form of sexual activity for the asexual?

Every person is different - of course there are going to be people out there who don't care if their partner is asexual. 

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