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Sexual feelings 'in theory' Vs 'in practice'


SamwiseLovesLife

Sexual thoughts vs feelings  

96 members have voted

  1. 1. Sexual orientation

    • Sexual
      4
    • Grey/Demi-sexual
      41
    • Asexual
      51
  2. 2. General feeling about sexual things

    • Repulsed 100%
      4
    • Unpleasant but won't make you vomit
      12
    • Don't like to think about sex but don't care about sexual images/conversation
      10
    • Don't like sexual images/conversation but don't mind thinking about sex
      9
    • Neutral, couldn't care wither way. Sex is an interesting topic sometimes but don't engage in sexual acts.
      45
    • Sex is enjoyable but doesn't change your orientation
      9
    • Like to think/talk about/engage in sex
      6
    • YES PLEASE (sex = happiness)
      1
  3. 3. Reading/viewing material (according to your prefferences, e.g homo if that's your taste)

    • NOTHING WITH SEXUAL CONTENT. NOT EVEN KISSING.
      6
    • Romantic stuff is fine but nothing sexual
      6
    • Meh. Don't mind, just not too graphic please
      22
    • Sometimes you enjoy it, depending on how its written/filmed
      34
    • Enjoy it but not aroused
      10
    • Enjoy it and aroused
      11
    • Purposefully seek out sexual content, very arousing
      7
  4. 4. Fantasies?

    • I don't fantasise. (Unless about cake..?)
      14
    • Not very often, if so just romantic stuff, nothing sexual
      19
    • Often fantasise about romance/crushes, nothing too sexual
      28
    • Often fantasise, equally romantic/sexual
      28
    • Often fantasise about sex
      7


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SamwiseLovesLife

**somewhat graphic content, you have been warned**

 

I have been thinking allot lately about my Asexuality and why my thoughts/reading/viewing content don't coincide with what may seem 'typically asexual'.

Personally, I am about 93% sure i'm Asexual (as opposed to grey-ace/etc) but I still find myself aroused when reading/viewing certain material; and when I pleasure myself I imagine two people (not typically me) engaging in sex. I've heard from other aces who do masterbate that they will think of nothing/non-sexual content as sex doesn't arouse them. I also find that in certain moods I might idly fantasise about sexual things, despite having no noticable desire to engage in them with anyone around me.

I've had sex and had several sexual encounters in my life. Honestly all of them I found uncomfortable, boring and frankly off-putting. No one I've met irl of any gender/etc has ever made me want to have sex with them (other than idle curiosity about what it might be like) so as said, I'm pretty sure I'm Ace.

So I'm wondering why is it that my thoughts/fantasies/reading content is so widely different to my sexual orientation?

 

Plus I haven't met many Aces who seem to be neutral to sex like me, as most (or the vocal ones) seem to be sex-averse or sex-repulsed.

 

Anyway, ramble over. I'm curious to see how you guys feel about your thoughts vs feelings, why that might be and any thoughts you may have :) Comments welcome x

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TheCatBehind

It's super complicated and my body demands ///release/// more than I'd like...

 

But when it comes to sex, sexual content, and the like, I don't mind in the slightest. Just don't cross the wayyyyy tmi like and I'm cool.

 

Also don't talk to me about hardcore bdsm, I hate people getting off of that, or any other power high.

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Grumpy Alien

I'm more sexual in practice than in theory because you can't tell me what to do! *cough*

 

I fit the definition of demi but I ticked sexual, as that's how I identify. I'm fine with mildly sexual material but graphic stuff is a bit cringey.

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Galactic Turtle

1. Asexual. I thought people were joking about wanting to have sex and that lust was some type of strange condition until halfway through college. :P 

 

2. Over the past few years I've been trying to train myself to view sex as something that isn't disgusting or abnormal although my gut reaction to my friends talking about the sex they're having is "omg are you ok that's horrible are you sure you don't want to break up?" I can't view sexual content without feeling uncomfortable. I've never actually seen genitalia before. I am repulsed by nudity.

 

3. The thing is, reading erotic material has helped me I guess... get more into the mindset of what I assume the experiences of some sexual people are? Such as putting trust in a person and an internal warmth from making someone feel physical pleasure even if physical pleasure remains an abstract concept for me. Still have the time reading it comes with an inherent sense of discomfort because if it's written from a purely physical standpoint I just get repulsed. 

 

4. No fantasies. I find it impossible to place myself mentally in sexual or romantic situations. Like there's just an error message that pops up in my brain.

 

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There is a whole concept of disconnection between some people and the object when it comes to sex, autochorisexuality or aegosexual.  You may fantasize in the third person or be aroused by two characters in a story but when it comes to yourself and real life engagement, you're completely turned off and have no interest. (I think I got that right)

 

If you do a search for those terms, you'll find a few threads discussing and debating over the term's definition, whether it should even exist, if it counts as asexual, etc.  I personally find these extra terms as a way to further pinpoint what makes a person tick, so to speak, and to help clarify "what you are" when you have so many different and often confusing variables to consider (in your case, the third person fantasizing), but as far as identifying yourself for general purposes, I think asexual works fine (if you agree the term falls under asexuality). 

 

Honestly, there are so many different ways people do and feel things, you'll get a headache trying to categorize it all.  Just go with what you're feeling.  If you're 93% sure your asexual, then why not go with it?  If something comes up later that suggests otherwise, and you change your mind, then that's cool too.

 

1 hour ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I've heard from other aces who do masterbate that they will think of nothing/non-sexual content as sex doesn't arouse them.

When you say "nothing", are you referring to something like meditation?  If you're doing breathing exercises and focusing on yourself and blood flow, etc.  This is very possible.  I was a little hesitant to post the link, but I find the idea interesting, and I think there's probably a connection to the idea of the above mentioned terms.

 

 

As for myself... I'm with you.  I'm 99% sure I'm asexual, but I generally forgo the label and just go with what I'm feeling.  Sex scenes usually annoy me, especially in movies and tv.  Literature I'm a bit better with and can even enjoy some of it, but if it gets too graphic I feel like I need to bleach my brain.  Have yet to try anything in real life, and am absolutely fine with that.

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In theory: I'm repulsed by nudity and sexual stuff and just no.. it's taken me a lot of time working on it just to be able to watch TV shows with nudity and it's still not comfortable. 

 

In practice: I have found once I have a deep enough bond with someone, I can want ... semi-sexual things maybe. Not sex though. And I enjoy nudity with a partner. 

 

I ID as ... I have no idea. :lol: I feel too sexual for asexual, too non-sexual for sexual, not sexual enough for demi and I dislike the idea of the grey label as it doesn't explain much of anything. So, I ID as nothing. 

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34 minutes ago, Serran said:

I ID as ... I have no idea. :lol: I feel too sexual for asexual, too non-sexual for sexual, not sexual enough for demi and I dislike the idea of the grey label as it doesn't explain much of anything. So, I ID as nothing. 

This is me!! I feel exactly like you. Too sexual for asexual and too non-sexual for sexual. Demi also doesn't work and grey is too vast to identify as that. So I'm just me. I identify as myself. That is all I can identify as. :D 

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swirl_of_blue

I dream of being able to enjoy sex. I read erotica, watch porn, fantasize and masturbate. But I've had sex, and when it actually happens I just can't enjoy it however much I want to. It feels intrusive and like the partner shouldn't be there, and I can't feel the same physical pleasure from someone else's touch that I can feel from my own. I wish I could enjoy sex, but I think of it the same way I would think of being a superstar athlete or something: it would be awesome, but it's not something I am capable of. And daydreaming of it both feels good (as I have a good imagination and can lose myself in my fantasies) and bad (because I know it's something that will never happen in reality, so I'll always be disappointed in the end). I'm hoping that I'll one day find someone I can enjoy sex with, but I don't have too big hopes.

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I don't identify as anything, so I can't answer the poll.

 

I'm pretty neutral about sexual stuff, I don't care about them at all. People do what they want and I'm fine as long, as I'm not involved. However, I read a lot of super dark smutty fanfiction and also soft and fluffy ones and manga, but it isn't for arousal, it's because I enjoy reading about that type of stuff. However, sometimes I can get aroused if it's really well written and I had connected with the world of the story. Though, now I'm almost immune, since I'm seen/read too much already. Since I never experienced it, I'm curious and want to see how it's done. Blame my curious and scientific mind. :D It's like a puzzle, I'm trying to figure out, by doing this. I never experimented see porn.

 

I fantasize too, but it isn't while I'm masturbating (I can't correlate the two things... Weird, right?). My fantasies aren't really sexual, it doesn't have sex or genitals, but involves a lot of touching, between a pair of hands and a neutral gendered body. Everytime genitals should appear my mind blanks and the fantasy ends. They also never arouse me, which makes me question why they even have them and what it's their purpose in me...

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
2 hours ago, Maks9090 said:

It's super complicated and my body demands ///release/// more than I'd like...

 

But when it comes to sex, sexual content, and the like, I don't mind in the slightest. Just don't cross the wayyyyy tmi like and I'm cool.

 

Also don't talk to me about hardcore bdsm, I hate people getting off of that, or any other power high.

Guess I could join the row. There's certainly some romantic/sexual stuff on my mind but without any explicit graphic content. So in my fantasies there's something going on but as for RL it feels more like aro ace, except for aesthetic attraction.

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1 hour ago, TessaMe said:

There is a whole concept of disconnection between some people and the object when it comes to sex, autochorisexuality or aegosexual.  You may fantasize in the third person or be aroused by two characters in a story but when it comes to yourself and real life engagement, you're completely turned off and have no interest. (I think I got that right)

I don't think there's  'disconnect' at all.  Fantasy is just that; fantasy.  It doesn't mean that you want to do the same thing in reality.  A rape fantasy doesn't mean that  a woman (or man) wants to be raped in real life. 

 

When it comes to fantasy or even daydreaming, *we* have all the power.  All the control.  Not so much in reality. 

 

Fantasy and reality are two separate issues.  They're not supposed to be 'aligned' with one another, so there isn't any 'disconnection' between the two.   

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50 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Fantasy and reality are two separate issues.

I thought that's what I was saying?  "You may fantasize in the third person or be aroused by two characters in a story, but when it comes to yourself and real life engagement, you're completely turned off and have no interest."

 

I only used the word "disconnect" because that was how I saw it explained elsewhere.  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22576251  My understanding of this is that a person may have an object of desire but can not connect with it in the physical sense/ real world.

 

I'm not saying that a fantasy is always something someone desires, but the OP seemed to be expressing confusion over what she identifies as because of the type of material she enjoys.  I thought this was relative, but maybe I didn't explain it right.

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Autumn Season

I also id as autochoris. I have a thing for gay erotic fiction with a vivid description of the emotions the protagonists go through. I don't use it to masturbate, but I wouldn't say it isn't sexual neither. I'm not repulsed by the physical aspect of sex at all and see it as a potentially positive thing. But I don't want to have it. At the moment when I know I should start feeling aroused or otherwise happily excited with my partner's touch, I'm just not. I feel nothing. I think that I experience some aspects of sexuality. But if my goal was to desire sexual intimacy, then I'd have to experience more of them or different ones.

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In theory It sounds okay if I momentarily idealize it without details. Like an unmoving third person view of two figures in very stylized shadow.

 

But in practice if it involves me I'm completely disgusted and in shut down mode.

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I couldn't answer the first two questions, which means the other answers didn't count.

 

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SamwiseLovesLife
On 03/08/2017 at 1:53 PM, Maks9090 said:

Also don't talk to me about hardcore bdsm, I hate people getting off of that, or any other power high.

Preach. Add masocism to that, what is this whole pain/humiliation = pleasure thing about??

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:14 PM, Graceful said:

I fit the definition of demi but I ticked sexual, as that's how I identify. I'm fine with mildly sexual material but graphic stuff is a bit cringey.

Cool, that makes allot of sense :) I'm starting to be inclined more that way too

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:46 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

3. The thing is, reading erotic material has helped me I guess... get more into the mindset of what I assume the experiences of some sexual people are? Such as putting trust in a person and an internal warmth from making someone feel physical pleasure even if physical pleasure remains an abstract concept for me. Still have the time reading it comes with an inherent sense of discomfort because if it's written from a purely physical standpoint I just get repulsed. 

I think this is a really nice way to think about it

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:49 PM, TessaMe said:

There is a whole concept of disconnection between some people and the object when it comes to sex, autochorisexuality or aegosexual.  You may fantasize in the third person or be aroused by two characters in a story but when it comes to yourself and real life engagement, you're completely turned off and have no interest. (I think I got that right)

I had never understood these terms before, thank you for clarifying!

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:49 PM, TessaMe said:

I personally find these extra terms as a way to further pinpoint what makes a person tick, so to speak, and to help clarify "what you are" when you have so many different and often confusing variables to consider (in your case, the third person fantasizing), but as far as identifying yourself for general purposes, I think asexual works fine (if you agree the term falls under asexuality).

This is the way I think I'd look at it. The whole sexual to non-sexual spectrum seems highly diverse, and makes this kind of feeling really difficult to define. The way I see it, until I meet someone in real life with whom I want to have sexual relations, I can pretty much claim the term Asexual. It is though, really good to know that there are others who find this disparity and can empathise with my confusion <3

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:49 PM, TessaMe said:

When you say "nothing", are you referring to something like meditation?  If you're doing breathing exercises and focusing on yourself and blood flow, etc.  This is very possible.  I was a little hesitant to post the link, but I find the idea interesting, and I think there's probably a connection to the idea of the above mentioned terms.

Thanks, this is really interesting! As someone who regularly meditates, I can absolutely see how this could be so affective. From other people I've heard mixed things like just letting their mind wander, thinking about nothing in particular and letting their hands/whatever do the work. So similar to the meditation but rather than focusing on their physical actions, simply letting the sensation do the work itself without their brain being involved.

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:49 PM, TessaMe said:

As for myself... I'm with you.  I'm 99% sure I'm asexual, but I generally forgo the label and just go with what I'm feeling.  Sex scenes usually annoy me, especially in movies and tv.  Literature I'm a bit better with and can even enjoy some of it, but if it gets too graphic I feel like I need to bleach my brain.

^ I'm with this too. Most of the time in TV/film I just think about how strange this feels to the actors and if they can tell how scripted it feels to an audience. Like you, literature works much better for me

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:57 PM, Serran said:

I feel too sexual for asexual, too non-sexual for sexual, not sexual enough for demi and I dislike the idea of the grey label as it doesn't explain much of anything. So, I ID as nothing. 

I ID as also in this catagory :") We need a confused-not-quite-sexual-help-please label..

 

@swirl_of_blue I absolutely feel that way, it's a frustrating spot to be in.

 

@JusTopi What you said about the way it's a puzzle to you seems quite a common theme in Aces who are open to sexual conversations but not aroused by it. Also about how you feel/think about when masturbating, that's really interesting! To me that makes you the puzzle, I can't relate but would love to know how/why it works that way!

 

On 03/08/2017 at 5:26 PM, TessaMe said:

I'm not saying that a fantasy is always something someone desires, but the OP seemed to be expressing confusion over what she identifies as because of the type of material she enjoys.  I thought this was relative, but maybe I didn't explain it right.

I get what you're saying. The fantasies may have no real baring on what the person wants irl, but it surely has something to say about the psycology of what goes on in their heads, especially when it leads to arousal. Freud would have a field-day!

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  • 1 month later...
On 8/3/2017 at 7:12 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

**somewhat graphic content, you have been warned**

 

I have been thinking allot lately about my Asexuality and why my thoughts/reading/viewing content don't coincide with what may seem 'typically asexual'.

Personally, I am about 93% sure i'm Asexual (as opposed to grey-ace/etc) but I still find myself aroused when reading/viewing certain material; and when I pleasure myself I imagine two people (not typically me) engaging in sex. I've heard from other aces who do masterbate that they will think of nothing/non-sexual content as sex doesn't arouse them. I also find that in certain moods I might idly fantasise about sexual things, despite having no noticable desire to engage in them with anyone around me.

I've had sex and had several sexual encounters in my life. Honestly all of them I found uncomfortable, boring and frankly off-putting. No one I've met irl of any gender/etc has ever made me want to have sex with them (other than idle curiosity about what it might be like) so as said, I'm pretty sure I'm Ace.

So I'm wondering why is it that my thoughts/fantasies/reading content is so widely different to my sexual orientation?

 

Plus I haven't met many Aces who seem to be neutral to sex like me, as most (or the vocal ones) seem to be sex-averse or sex-repulsed.

 

Anyway, ramble over. I'm curious to see how you guys feel about your thoughts vs feelings, why that might be and any thoughts you may have :) Comments welcome x

I'm sex neutral. I don't desire sex but I also have been strongly  curious about it  with certain people if i felt a  strong connection or attraction with them ( has only happened three times ever). I don't fantasize. Never had a sex dream. My "sex dreams" would be about an aquaintance I knew in real life who I found attractive and we would go on some life risking adventure together and save each other's lives and I would wake up feeling close to them and then sadly realize it wasn't real. That's about as close to a sex dream I've ever had. I can get aroused by erotic stories, but I always picture two other people as well. Not myself. Ive never watched porn  because I'm grossed out by the covers. I feel if I'm grossed out by the cover I'm not going to like the actual video. I do like stories though because I can create my own imagery from what I read. I have a low libido though and hardly ever touch myself. So I can definitely relate to some of what you wrote as well.

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PixleyDust✨
On 8/3/2017 at 5:12 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

**somewhat graphic content, you have been warned**

 

I have been thinking allot lately about my Asexuality and why my thoughts/reading/viewing content don't coincide with what may seem 'typically asexual'.

Personally, I am about 93% sure i'm Asexual (as opposed to grey-ace/etc) but I still find myself aroused when reading/viewing certain material; and when I pleasure myself I imagine two people (not typically me) engaging in sex. I've heard from other aces who do masterbate that they will think of nothing/non-sexual content as sex doesn't arouse them. I also find that in certain moods I might idly fantasise about sexual things, despite having no noticable desire to engage in them with anyone around me.

I've had sex and had several sexual encounters in my life. Honestly all of them I found uncomfortable, boring and frankly off-putting. No one I've met irl of any gender/etc has ever made me want to have sex with them (other than idle curiosity about what it might be like) so as said, I'm pretty sure I'm Ace.

So I'm wondering why is it that my thoughts/fantasies/reading content is so widely different to my sexual orientation?

 

Plus I haven't met many Aces who seem to be neutral to sex like me, as most (or the vocal ones) seem to be sex-averse or sex-repulsed.

 

Anyway, ramble over. I'm curious to see how you guys feel about your thoughts vs feelings, why that might be and any thoughts you may have :) Comments welcome x

I am the exact same way. Well, besides the ACTUALLY having sex part. But I love reading/watching well written romance arcs, and I have fantasies just like that too when I'm...*ahem* alone, so I often wonder what this says about me and my orientation. It's kind of nice to know that I'm not the only asexual who doesn't feel like they're not 100% asexual either, but more like 93%. Plus I like a little wiggle room that's open to interpretation; I don't like the idea of being boxed in, or sporting a label that could potentially limit me to new experiences. :)

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HonoraryJedi

Autochori has come up a few times here already, but that is how I work too. All for 'in theory', averse to or repulsed by 'in practice'. The questions don't entirely offer an option that fits me though. To me, sexual fantasies are great, but require I am not a part of them, for example. And the same applies to my general feelings. Fine to think about (detached from me), little awkward to talk about, but no real problem (as long as no one makes comments about me, as a person), and no actual acts ever, not even kissing. Material is fine too, depending on quality.

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paperbackreader

It's been really interesting to read about all the diverse experiences and feelings! 

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Strange But Not a Stranger

I can relate to this in a way. I have mentioned before that I sometimes have sexual fantasies and I sometimes write erotic/romantic stories about the person I fantasize about. 
I don't care for similar stories written by others (about others/random people), and visual porn (as in photos or videos) doesn't do anything for me at all. If watching porn, I am the person who would point out that lovely looking clock on the wall, or the teddy bear sitting in the corner, or any kind of item... So yeah. 

Anyway, I am 99% sure I am asexual. To me these fantasies are just that, fantasies. They are a part of me, and they don't change my orientation. I have to admit that I have felt pretty confused about it at times. I felt confused about it again at the moment I registered here, but by reading about other people's experiences and stuff I feel I have finally learned to accept this part of myself. I am ace and I sometimes fantasize about someone. So what? It's only fantasies. In reality things are very different, and I have never had any desire to engage in partnered sex.

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KylenKantari
On ‎10‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 2:25 PM, HonoraryJedi said:

Autochori has come up a few times here already, but that is how I work too. All for 'in theory', averse to or repulsed by 'in practice'. The questions don't entirely offer an option that fits me though. To me, sexual fantasies are great, but require I am not a part of them, for example. And the same applies to my general feelings. Fine to think about (detached from me), little awkward to talk about, but no real problem (as long as no one makes comments about me, as a person), and no actual acts ever, not even kissing. Material is fine too, depending on quality.

This is me exactly. When it comes to "in theory" or "fantasy" I'm actually pretty sexual. I have sexual fantasies, read erotic material, watch porn and masturbate. If it's in my head and involves other people besides me, I'm all for it. In real life, I'm almost completely averse. I don't want you to touch me, I don't want you to kiss me, and actually having sex is a very big NO! This is why I've always identified more in the gray-sexual area. I kind of like the idea of gray-sexual being a broad and vague identity. That and I'm too lazy to sort through the hundred different labels. 

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I don't mind reading or watching sex scene. If it happens to be aesthetically good, it's awesome. If it doesn't has any mature scene, it's even more awesome!

 

I don't mind and can engage in conversation about sex too. Thou I might fall for the one who throws jokes in the convo (─‿─)

 

But if the sex happens to ME, it's a big NO.

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SamwiseLovesLife
On 08/10/2017 at 7:14 AM, Cynorca said:

I don't mind reading or watching sex scene. If it happens to be aesthetically good, it's awesome. If it doesn't has any mature scene, it's even more awesome!

 

I don't mind and can engage in conversation about sex too. Thou I might fall for the one who throws jokes in the convo (─‿─)

 

But if the sex happens to ME, it's a big NO.

I relate to this so hard

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I'm an indifferent kind all over - in life, I'd rather not have sex and I would never actively seek it as in let's say sign up to online dating with sole intention to get people to sleep with. I'd actively seek bacon flavoured crisps, hell yeah. The pressure is there on my mind, mmm... crisps... gimme some. Sex is not an object of wanting for me at all. Crisps are :D 

 

In fiction - if I stumble upon a sex scene, I won't throw the book out of the window but I won't find it particularly exciting. If it ruins the flow of action, I'll skip it. In films, unless it's all really subtle and artistic, it's a 'meh' again. Any kind of violence thrown in the mix and it becomes unbearable to watch.

 

I had a phase of watching porn, but it didn't last. There is one female porn/erotica films director (forgot the name) who directs real little works of art, it's mostly lesbian sex, with beautiful lighting, scenery, flowers, make-up, sometimes looks like adventures in fairy-land. I could totally watch that :) but would I want it in real life? No, thank you. 

I can talk about sex easily, no topic is taboo. I enjoy documentaries about people's kinks and fetishes too, they are very interesting.

 

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I can sometimes enjoy porn or smut fanfiction that is well-written, and I do fantasize, but real life sex is super gross to me :D There is a great difference between imaginary and real action!

 

I also feel like some sex scenes in the movies are so forced into the plot that I feel awkward for the actors as well as for the sex itself :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
MadeIndescribable
On 03/08/2017 at 1:53 PM, Count Maksula said:

It's super complicated and my body demands ///release/// more than I'd like...

I can relate to this, I get the urges but not necessarily the desire to be with someone else. For me masturbation is generally about clearing my head rather than for the enjoyment.

 

On 03/08/2017 at 2:14 PM, Graceful said:

I fit the definition of demi but I ticked sexual, as that's how I identify.

Likewise, I definitely share traits with demi but wouldn't say that's how I identify. I have only just started looking into it though, and knowing about the spectrum has definitely helped the way I look at things. I'm not really an emotional person, so for me sex and fantasies are about finding that emotional connection with someone that only comes from being really close with them, so much better than seeing it as "I'm so single even just having sex is a fantasy".

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QueenOfTheRats

I don't know why demi and grey are always put in the same category. It's annoying, they are nothing alike.

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