Jump to content

I Hate That I'm A Grey Ace


SHOOOKOH

Recommended Posts

Hey all.

 

As the title says I hate the fact that I'm really a grey asexual more than just asexual. I know I'm in the demi category of grey more than anything else and it makes me feel impure for some reason even though I know it shouldn't. I know I'm just craving for something concrete and unchanging in my life and obviously just like gender identity this shit is rather fluid. 

 

I hate that I have a libido and while as someone who is more demi than straight up asexual I hate that I can't just be completely sexual or asexual. Like I said I'm craving something that's concrete but I guess I'm not gonna find it in my sexuality lol

 

What do you fellow grey aces do? Do you tend to have this mental conflict at times and how do you deal with it? I'm so lost and the only solid thing I can say that I know--ironically enough--is that I'm a grey ace. 

 

I guess I feel like since I'm in a grey area that I'm not a valid as someone who is purely asexual. I've been saying 'pure' a lot and I know pure doesn't equal good or bad. As you can see I'm confused as all hell and frustrated hahaha

 

Any help would be appreciated! I thank you for that assistance in advance.  :cake: 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there SHOOKOH!

 

As you can see, I'm not grey-A myself. I won't pretend to know what it's like to be grey-asexual, or the things you have to face in your daily life. But what I can tell you is that I've struggled a LOT with my own identity as well, and I've dealt with those feelings of not being "good enough" or "normal enough." I used to spend a lot of time in LGBT organizations, and I lost my connection to them because I can't relate to their sexual desires, needs, and culture. I struggled with feeling whole.

 

What helped me was daily affirmations, and just reminding myself that I'm okay as I am. I know I'm not "normal," and I know I don't fit in with most groups, but I'm damn sure that this is who I am and I'll never be happier pretending to be someone or something else, so I might as well start embracing my (a)sexuality. It seems like you might benefit from reminding yourself of the same thing. The only way you can start to see grey-asexuality as being whole enough on its own and not needing to be a fractured version of allo- and asexuality is to remind yourself of it. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to be who you are, even if you'd rather be another sexuality (believe me, I went through the same thing).

 

I don't know if this post will help you, but I hope that maybe I could nudge you in the direction of self-acceptance. And just know that we asexuals don't see grey-asexuals as a "lesser" version of us. You're whole, you're part of the umbrella, and we welcome you! :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am demi/gray sexual and can relate. I know that a lot of times asexuals feel that don't belong in LGBT+, so that can also be confusing. But then you have gray aces where you feel you might not even be "ace enough" to belong in your own community.

I feel more comfortable calling myself ace because I know to an allosexual person it means "I don't have the same kind of sexual desire as you." To me, its only important for friends and partners to know the nuances. Finding "community" with accepting LGBT+ has really helped me because we all disagree with heteronormativity and we are united under that. 

 

Thought if you want a gray ace community, we can start it with the two of us so we'll always belong somewhere!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Getting stuck with an active libido and no desire for sex (which is what I think you're saying) really sucks. 

It's like, body make up your mind! Sheesh. 

I wonder if there is some way to make peace with your libido? I think some folks find they have kinks that help them with that. 

Do you have peoples in your life who understand where you are at?

Sorry I don't have amazing suggestions for you. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
IntellectualAsexual

I am like that, too. I would like to be the pure asexual, who hasn't been tainted by earthly things. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere

I can relate to it to some extent. I often feel like it would be easier to have no libido whatsoever.

On the other hand, I doubt if I would really feel like this if I was nonlibidoist. I suspect I would rather feel like I was missing something and not even able to know what. Being as I am, I'm just "missing out" on sex and that's something I already know I don't want...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I understand how you feel. I'm rather new to this, so I don't have much advice to offer, but I feel like @Miss Wrong sums it up pretty well. 

On 8/4/2017 at 7:38 PM, Miss Wrong said:

Thought if you want a gray ace community, we can start it with the two of us so we'll always belong somewhere!

There is a demi grace forum! 

http://demigrace.forumotion.com/forum

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ughhh me too!!!! What you're talking about comes up for me as I'm explaining it to others. People say "Well that's normal right, you crave less sex the longer you're with someone" or "Sounds like you have a low libido".  If I dated an asexual I would crave sex from time to time. When I start dating a sexual person I'm like "yaasss finally! feels so good!" But then the expectations show up, wanting sex after every date, and they want me to do more than I'm comfortable doing. Cuddling dwindles away and intimacy is all about sex :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for the replies so far! 

 

And yeah luckily my heterosexual boyfriend and I are on good terms when it comes to my demi-ness. He was with me when I was still just calling myself a plain asexual and made it clear that he wasn't just waiting for me to change my mind or whatever. He admitted that he knew that I was grey-ace before I truly figured it out since he noticed that I was pretty interested in the sexual kind of deep intimacy through our long conversations. He wasn't surprised in the slightest which ironically surprised me quite a bit hahaha

 

The worst part for me still is trying to distinguish between the 'don't spread your legs' mentality that was shoved down my throat as a younger girl and the actual asexuality in my head space. I was always afraid of sex because of the whole stigma about being a whore or slut but also always not very interested in general even after learning more about how sex really is in a person's life. 

 

My boyfriend totally gets it--again to my surprise hahaha--as he even knows I'm new to romantic relationships in general let alone the sexual aspect of it. Most of our minor quarrels about sexual stuff is just me overreacting to when I like being more sexually intimate with him despite it being mostly just us talking about it. 

 

The thing that keeps me afloat lately is when I told him about romantic relationships in general that "I'm feeling my way through and taking shots in the dark and I'm already deaf and blind as it is." and he simply replied with "I'll always be here to hold your hand through these sorts of things and show you the way even when you're able to navigate better." 

 

I called him a dork after that hahaha :blush:

 

While he has made things easier--as you can see--I still have my moments though. Sometimes it's like I gotta tussle with my libido or put a leash on it or something because it's such an inconvenience. However sometimes my libido is not a bad thing. This shit is so confusing and mind-numbingly frustrating at times! It has been getting a little easier with each passing day though--key word being a little.

 

Maybe if I could eat some monochrome cake I'd feel a little better lol :cake::cake::cake:

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 3.8.2017 at 4:44 AM, SHOOOKOH said:

I hate that I have a libido and while as someone who is more demi than straight up asexual I hate that I can't just be completely sexual or asexual. Like I said I'm craving something that's concrete but I guess I'm not gonna find it in my sexuality lol

 

What do you fellow grey aces do? Do you tend to have this mental conflict at times and how do you deal with it? I'm so lost and the only solid thing I can say that I know--ironically enough--is that I'm a grey ace.

It was pretty hard to accept my true identity since I was rather proud and confident about my former sexual orientation but things started to get better after some time while spending more and more time with other demi-aces. There are moments when I wish I could get back to a concrete label as well but then again I also find myself feeling very comfortable with the fact that most of these things are pretty flexible on itself. There's no need for a solid box - a solid lable. I can be who or whatever I want. It's a new kind of personal inner freedom that changed my view and attitude for the best. So yeah, no conflicts at the moment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/2/2017 at 8:44 PM, SHOOOKOH said:

What do you fellow grey aces do? Do you tend to have this mental conflict at times and how do you deal with it?

Ditto, ditto, and ditto. You can tell from my avatar-thingie that I have no clue what I am--Homoromantic? Graysexual? Sapiosexual? Panromantic? Demisexual? They're all words, and I feel true to a hundred different inclinations from time to time. What I don't feel is consistent. I have a libido, I just don't use it very often; I'm a classical romantic, but I keep it in a box under my bed most of the time; my emotions can be fairly strong, but they can't come out to play right now. I realized after my last failed attempt that I would be an impossible person with whom to be in a relationship because I may feel asexual most of the time, but then I might feel sexual between 10:17 and 10:20 some night...I need to add Master of Mixed Signals to my avatar thingie. I generally prefer men (I'm intentionally leaving out the romantic/sexual clarification), but I like women also, particularly if there's a mental connection. I've previously said somewhere on these forums that while sexuality is described as fluid, I feel like mine can be a trickle, a flood, and a sprinkler--my sense of sexuality can be nonexistent, it can be a roaring rush, and it can be all over the spectrum. Or it can be all three within the span of the same minute.

 

The way I've dealt with it most recently is to have given up. I have dogs with whom I have very strong relationships, and that's where it's going to stay. It's not fair for me to try developing relationships with other people when they always want more than I do. Sure, it'd be nice to have someone else around, to share another's company, but, for the most part, I get enough human contact at work and I'd rather not break someone else by inflicting on them my constantly changing nature. If I'm feeling very strongly one way or another, I can usually wait a few minutes and it'll pass. If I'm on the verge of texting someone for company, I can turn my phone off and then on again and the feeling will have passed (either that, or I can step away from the wine bottle; I also keep reminding myself that I'm only going to want them for a few minutes...until they're here, then I want to be neither romantic nor sexual. Or even in the same room with them, really. The whole thing becomes a mental exercise of reminding myself to "remember last time," not a physical effort.

 

On 8/2/2017 at 8:44 PM, SHOOOKOH said:

 

I hate that I have a libido and while as someone who is more demi than straight up asexual I hate that I can't just be completely sexual or asexual

Spoiler

My libido is generally active only so long as it isn't fed, but when I feed it, it tends to respond with, "Don't touch me. Go away. Ewwww." So, if it has to be fed, I have to make the conscious choice to be the only one who feeds it. It's not fair to anyone else. Suss from that what you choose.

 

You call it 'taking shots in the dark;' I call it my fickleness (which is a word no one uses anymore--it died out with the dinosaurs). In either case, it probably ain't gonna get better.--if you've got a boyfriend who'll tolerate your fickleness and your changing sense of self, the don't let go of him, sister.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

I'm right there with you. While some pple enjoy the freedom of not fitting in a box, I crave a black-and-white label. The best I can come up with is grayaromantic gray-a aegosexual. Say that three times fast. I've been thinking about all this way too much and just want an answer. I've never been in a relationship or had sex so in the back of my mind I keep doubting myself. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fighting_For_Us
On 8/2/2017 at 8:44 PM, SHOOOKOH said:

 

What do you fellow grey aces do? Do you tend to have this mental conflict at times and how do you deal with it? I'm so lost and the only solid thing I can say that I know--ironically enough--is that I'm a grey ace.

I've been dealing with this too, you're not alone by any means. I'm almost never attracted to anyone sexually, and I sure as hell don't want sex, but I do have a noticeable (to me) libido. It fluctuates though, impacted by a number of variants. Sometimes I have little to no sex drive, while during other (generally much shorter) periods of times I have relatively strong libido.

It's frustrating, as you said, because although I don't want or feel the need to have sex, by body is driven by hormones that sometimes like to mess with me. I do usually wish my body and mind could agree on one or the other, but I guess that's just not going to happen for now.

I get what you mean about not feeling as 'pure' as the asexuals. It's strange not being sexually attracted to people...mostly.

Funnily enough grey has been my favorite color (along with blue) for years now, long before I know about the ace spectrum. I also happen to be wearing all grey today...hmmmm.

 

25 minutes ago, flossingwithhair said:

 I've been thinking about all this way too much and just want an answer. I've never been in a relationship or had sex so I'm the back of my mind I keep doubting myself. 

I doubt myself too for the same reasons. I've only ever been in one relationship that honestly was forced, I was at an emotionally vulnerable point in my life and my friends was pressuring me to get with this person. It was bad. I've also never had sex, and frankly I'm okay with that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel the same and sometimes go to the extent of trying to find meds with decreased libido as a side effect. I don't see the point in it, even if I already have a low sex drive and when it does show up I don't actually act on it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...