Liddie Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 Hello everyone, I am a 24 year old female and I started dating my boyfriend a year ago who is 34 years old. We are from different countries and I met him when I was working where he lives in Nicaragua but I returned home and we 10 months of long distance. Because so much of our first year together was long distance I had no idea until this past month (now I have moved to Nicaragua to be with him) that he is asexual. In fact, I don't think he fully understands either and I think he is coming out about it for the first time with me. Sex has always been important to me and it is something I crave when I am with the person I love because to me it is a way for me to express my profound love when I feel words and cuddling aren't enough. It is a way for me to feel extremely close to the person I love. When I moved to be with him after so long of long distance I was very excited to finally get to make love to him and I was crushed when I learned he wasn't on the same page. When I arrived and he repeatedly rejected me I felt extremely hurt. I felt undesired, unattractive and confused. I asked him about it and he said he didn't understand but that he doesn't care for sex and it was simply never important to him and he doesn't want it. I felt confused because I felt incredibly loved by him and I felt our relationship was so perfect except he didn't want me sexually and it didn't make sense to me. I thought, how can you love me but not want to have sex with me? I was very hurt and upset however, we maintained good communication always which helped a little. Before I thought maybe he has low testosterone, too much stress at work, performance anxiety, past trauma etc. It wasn't until this past week that he told me he thinks he's asexual. Since then I have been reading a lot about asexuality and I have learned a lot. I now understand how he can love me but not want me sexually and I realize I need to keep communicating with him about it. But I don't know how to make it work in the long-run. I love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him and he says the same. But at the same time I can't give up sex forever. I want kids one day and I enjoy sex. I feel it is just as wrong for me to be forced to give it up as it would be to force him to have it. I would never force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but how do I meet my needs? I want sex with him not other people but the only thing i could think of would be to have an open relationship with him but that makes me feel sad. Does anyone have any suggestions or experiences? How can I make this work? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 Well, for starters.... when you say it's not important to him, is he sex repulsed or sex indifferent? There are some asexuals (such as myself) who say "It's not important" but if in the right situation with a love partner and they felt like obliging they might (not that I have, but I would consider) but there are also some who are sex repulsed and would rather do "x" than have sex. What I would suggest doing is like.... try and talk to him. Ask him if he wouldn't mind compromising or something -- yknow, come to a sort of agreement about something. If he does, whatever that agreement is - go for it. If not.... well... idk how to help you there. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 Quote Well, for starters.... when you say it's not important to him, is he sex repulsed or sex indifferent? "repeated rejections" makes it sound more like the former. Link to post Share on other sites
Liddie Posted August 1, 2017 Author Share Posted August 1, 2017 I asked one time how sex makes him feel, if its something he is repulsed by or something he just doesn't want it. I felt like he sort of didn't answer the question, because he said something like he just doesn't know and he doesn't understand it either. So, I'm not sure. I get the feeling he is sex repulsed though. I also asked if we could try other things (other than penetration) but he does not want to do anything sexual. But he does love making out and cuddling etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mermaidy Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 if you two can't come up with a compromise (ex sex once per week), then the only option is to break up. if he is ok with compromising, it's very likely that sex with him won't be the same as with a non-asexual person. it's likely he won't be able to be engaged in the same way as a non-asexual and whether or not you're bothered by that, OP, can also just make the relationship not work. (or an open relationship as you mentioned) Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 From what I can tell the best option is to compromise. Whether that means him having sex with you, you giving up sex, or something in between like not as much sex as you want but enough to be satisfactory. Each compromise is different for each couple, but it's definitely something that needs to be worked on if you want this relationship to work. If sex is a must for you, you need to communicate that with him and find something you can both agree to or break up. Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 @Liddie this must be very difficult for you especially in a different country. What kind of support network do you have in Nicaragua? People to talk to and listen. You need to come to an arrangement in the relationship that makes you both happy. I hope you can work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
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