Confused and Sad - GF says she is Asexual

[Ricola]

Just a quick hi everyone, moving my previous post here to a more appropriate section. 

 

Thank you,

[Miss Anne Thrope]

This is a tough situation, and not just because she's asexual.

 

You say that you shouldn't be together anymore, and I think that is a good assessment. It seems like the two of you want different things out of this relationship, and that things would just become more difficult in the long run. Your relationship, as it stands now, does not sound sustainable.

 

Now, your girlfriend seems to see this; however, she doesn't want to be just friends. Why? Well, I think that your girlfriend needs someone in her life who is not a romantic partner, but is more than a friend. This is fairly common for aromantic asexuals; such relationships are known as queer-platonic relationships, or QPRs. It seems like she wants a QPR with you, even if she doesn't quite know or understand it. This desire is reasonable, but her actions toward you are not. She shouldn't expect you to stay in any sort of relationship with her that you are not comfortable with, and she needs to consider your feelings too. From the sound of it, it seems like she either doesn't know about how you being with her is affecting you, or she is ignoring it.

 

My advice is to have a discussion (or several discussions) about how you are feeling, what you need in a relationship, what type of relationship you want to have, and what boundaries are needed. Make sure she understands the sexual tension you're feeling, as she may not realize that it's happening since she's asexual and doesn't experience that sort of thing. If you feel like you could be in a QPR with her, then bring up the idea and set boundaries that you both can compromise on. If you feel like you can't be more than friends, then that's understandable. Just do the best you can with explaining to her why. Make sure that she understands your point of view, but also be sure to listen to her own point of view.

 

So basically, talk to her (preferably while you are both quite sober). It probably won't be easy, and may take many different discussions, but is the best thing that you can do.

[Ricola]

I am moving my previous post, after I typed it all I realized ... its better in this section than the "welcome forum." Here it is:

 

Hi everyone, I recently found this site and I hope someone can offer me some guidance on the sensitive subject of my asexual girlfriend. Ok let me give a little background:

 

A little about us

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

I am 33 yr old male, my gf is a 29 yr old female. 

We have been dating "officially?" for 2 years, although I met her over 10yrs ago for the first time.

 

I am a virgin, I never had much interest in sex/hooking up and spent most of my time growing up focused on other things. By the time I was in my 20's, I was waiting for the right girl to be sexual with. I wanted to wait till marriage before I had sex due to my religious beliefs. I ended up in a few close situations, but never did anything sexual with any girls, and didn't really have any solo dates/ alone time with anyone. Never really got close to girls for it to be an issue. Ever since I was young I had trouble with porn, I would regularly look for it online. I remember getting trouble in school for it, getting trouble at home for it, and even in my adult life I find I spend alot of time online watching it. So thought I am not sexually active, my mind can be at times.

 

My girlfriend is a virgin as well. She tells me that she feels unattractive and was told she was ugly ever-since she was young (school/friends/family). I would add that she is a very attractive girl, her harsh self-criticisms right now are about her weight, although I would call her a "small" build. She isn't toned like a gymnast, but I think she is beautiful. That being said, like me she never really put herself in any situations where she would do anything sexual, and thus has found herself as an adult virgin.

 

The Story

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

A number of years ago 8? (im bad with dates/time) my sister married my gf's brother. Because my sister married her brother we had added eachother on facebook, and about 2 years ago I started talking to my gf on facebook and we discovered we had some similar interests. So before I knew it, we had planned a date... something I hadn't been on "officially" ... ever. I show up to her house and we hit it off, we did arts/crafts stuff and watched a movie. She made us drinks (before this I very rarely drank... like ever).  We had a great night and I went home happy for the first time in a long time. I truly felt happy, I was on cloud 9. 1 week before I couldn't see myself happy with anyone and decided I was going to live my life as a hermit. Then 1 date and I was sure I had met someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

 

After a few visits I started drinking a bit more (which was more common for her) and as a result usually ended up passing out in her livingroom on the couch, and would go home sometime the next day. It was very common for me to spend the weekend there. (I should add she lived with her mother and father, more on this in a bit).

 

A few months into dating, she tricked me by telling me she had "a tumor" in her right breast and told me to feel it. I was a bit buzzed from drinking and the thought of touching her breast excited me, so there I am with my hand up her shirt feeling her bare breast... and she burst out laughing. She had made a joke just to get me to touch her chest. This was the extent of anything we did really, it was simple/clean dates without anything sexual. This combined with her giving me back/neck rubs, made me feel like she was attracted to me like I was to her.

 

That first year we spent nearly every weekend together. During that time her father was sick with they later found out was a very aggressive cancer. After about a year her father died and her mother and her were crushed. They were in a very bad place emotionally, they were a close family. I considered giving her some space but she didn't want that and insisted I keep going over there to be with her. During that time she started drinking heavily and I found I was drinking alot too.

 

During one of my visits she confessed to me that she is Asexual, she explained she has no sexual attraction to anyone/anything. To complicate things she also told me she is Aromantic, which she explained means she doesn't have any romantic feelings. She explained she doesn't like to be touched, and has no romantic desires (no interest in kissing, touching, hugs(romantically). This was confusing to me because I know we had kissed, and hugged, and snuggled many many times over the past year. After I gave it some serious thought, I came to realize it was always me doing the kissing, always me doing the hugging.... it hit me like a tons of bricks. Instantly my mind told me: she doesn't love you and she is trying to let you down easy. 

 

That night we had our first fight. I was convinced she never liked me, and this "asexual" thing was just a cover. I went home feeling dejected and stupid for getting so close her her, for actually falling in-love with someone who never had any plans to love me back. Once I had built up enough courage I went back to her and we talked things over. She explained I shouldn't take it personal and that she never loved anyone; it wasn't just me. We talked about the word "love" and reasoned in some sense she did love me, but definitely not sexually, not romantically, not attracted in any way. Although I could tell this was sensitive subject, and that she was shutting down the more we talked about it. So we kinda left it there.

 

For the following year she struggled greatly with depression over her dad's death, although she has always fought with depression her whole life, this was a very hard year for her. Again I found myself over there almost every weekend, drinking too much. A few times I caught myself groping her (with clothes on) only to have her stop me. I was attracted to her, and being drunk laying down with/on her watching movies was almost too much for me. I did flash her a few times to see what she would do, she even flashed me few times, and would feel her breasts now and then. Anything more than that she would stop instantly.

 

One time she was drunk she told me that when she was younger she was molested by someone a little older than her. Another time she told me she was molested by a relative when she was really little. I tried bringing it up when she was sober but she didn't want to talk about it at all. She even denied that she told me that, and swore I was making it up (why would I do that). So we haven't talked about it much since. I wonder if her asexuality has something to do with this?

 

Over the last 8 months or so things have been getting very tense. I keep telling her I don't want to spend the night over there anymore. Twice I got drunk and she got drunk, and I was laying next to her and I started masturbating. She was repulsed by this and I stopped right away and felt horrible after. In my mind i'm all over the place, I get mixed signals because she wants to "snuggle" and scratches my head, rubs my feet. And my body is like "ITS GO TIME," but I know shes not interested in anything more. 

 

To conclude:

To make things easier I asked her if we can just meet at places and do things that friends do (instead of spending the night there/ drinking alot together). I don't view us as compatible boyfriend/girlfriend. Really, I almost think someone who is asexual/aromantic has to be friends at best. Theres just too much room for regret between us. To complicate things though she becomes very sad and depressed if I don't go over there and spend the night. Then I end up going there and we drink and I end up pushing the boundries of our sexual friendship (flashing, groping/ touching myself near her) EVEN THOUGH I really try not too. (Think its easy? Try getting into shorts and laying on someone after drinking every weekend for months on end).

 

The last bit of conclusion we have had is she insists I find someone else (someone who is sexual/romantic) as she doesn't think it's fair to me to be with her. But when I suggest we just be friends, no more dates at her house, she becomes very sad and depressed like somehow I am punishing her. At times she tells me she doesn't deserve to live and threatens to take "toaster baths," I tell her we all love her; but things are getting worse and tensions are getting higher.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, i'm almost ready for a toaster bath myself at this point. please does anyone have some advice thats been in a situation like this???

 

 

 

[Ricola]

First of all, ty for taking the time to read my vent. I did move it to another area of the forums (after browsing around found more fitting spot).

 

8 minutes ago, Miss Anne Thrope said:

You say that you shouldn't be together anymore, and I think that is a good assessment. It seems like the two of you want different things out of this relationship, and that things would just become more difficult in the long run. Your relationship, as it stands now, does not sound sustainable.

I agree it isn't sustainable, it's kinda a mess allready. To be clear though I do want it to work somehow, i just don't know of what the "somehow" can be. At this point shes not even fine with staying with me because she doesn't know what she wants, and she assumes I need something more from her. She tells me she would feel worse staying with me, as she feels I would be "missing out" on romantic things.

 

10 minutes ago, Miss Anne Thrope said:

Now, your girlfriend seems to see this; however, she doesn't want to be just friends. Why? Well, I think that your girlfriend needs someone in her life who is not a romantic partner, but is more than a friend.

I don't understand how that is possible... what is someone who is more than a friend but not romantic? Can you provide an example, because in my mind you a friend can be clearly defined.... I mean I don't kiss my other friends. But how can you be "more" but not romantic? What would that look like?

[iff]

moved posts from welcome lounge to sexual partners, friends & allies

 

iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

[Miss Anne Thrope]

8 hours ago, Ricola said:

I don't understand how that is possible... what is someone who is more than a friend but not romantic? Can you provide an example, because in my mind you a friend can be clearly defined.... I mean I don't kiss my other friends. But how can you be "more" but not romantic? What would that look like?

I'm not the best person to explain this as I've never had a QPR. I suggest that you look up more information on queer-platonic relationships and talk to some aromantics that have been in one. Anyways, I'll do my best to explain it:

 

For most people, romantic partners provide emotional (at least, but also sometimes financial and physical) support, more than what friends typically provide. They also usually provide physical affection and a romantic connection. A queer-platonic partner provides the same sort of support as a romantic partner without the romantic connection and typically with less physical affection.

 

What this looks like exactly depends on the wants and needs of the people in the QPR. They might appear to the world to be just really close friends - living separately, but emotionally providing more support than a regular friend and perhaps some small firms of physical affection, such as hugging. They can also seem to be more of a "typical" couple - living together, raising children together, providing general life support, etc; however, there is no romantic connection between the two and there's usually less physical affection. 

 

If you were to have a QPR with your girlfriend, here's an example of how it could look (I am basing this on your explanation of the situation; please understand that your relationship doesn't have to look like this, as your boundries and expectations must be set by the two of you):

You live in separate homes, and you are free to find a romantic/sexual partner outside of this relationship. However, you spend time with her very often, and you provide each other with a lot of emotional support. You may show physical affection such as hugging, cuddling, and sleeping in the same bed, but there is no kissing or anything sexual.

 

I hope that makes sense and helps you out a bit. Again, I suggest learning more from others with more experience.

[Ricola]

I've been doing some reading on QPR.... my head hurts so much just thinking about this. The best I can gather is there is ZERO and I truly mean ZERO difference between a QPR and a close friend.... by this definition I am in QPRs with everyone I have ever met that spent time with me. I have to be missing something? Am I?

[alibali]

You need to decide whether you would be happy with a romantic relationship with little or no sex and then decide whether to end it or both discuss how you can have a QPR. 

[Tarfeather]

On 7/31/2017 at 7:27 AM, Ricola said:

I don't understand how that is possible... what is someone who is more than a friend but not romantic? Can you provide an example, because in my mind you a friend can be clearly defined.... I mean I don't kiss my other friends. But how can you be "more" but not romantic? What would that look like?

There is no 'one way' to this, but let me just list a few examples, some of which I've experienced personally in my non-romantic relationship with my partner:

• Frequent hugging / rubbing / cuddling
• Hand holding
• Sleeping in the same bed
• Spending more time with that person than with anyone else by a large margin
• Missing the other person even after a few days apart
• Living together
• Casually being underdressed / naked around each other
• Raising kids together

It's not that these things are "more" than friendship, the issue is that too many people don't understand that it's possible to have all these things in a friendship, without it necessarily being a romantic / sexual relationship.

[Guest]

On 7/31/2017 at 1:27 AM, Ricola said:

 

I don't understand how that is possible... what is someone who is more than a friend but not romantic? Can you provide an example, because in my mind you a friend can be clearly defined.... I mean I don't kiss my other friends. But how can you be "more" but not romantic? What would that look like?

Can it be clearly defined though, besides with "I feel romantically towards this person"? There are friends with benefits, after all, who would kiss and have sex and all, but are still "just friends", nothing romantic. because they don't have romantic feelings for each other. It's hard to define relationships, that's why defining a relationship discussion is important when forming any serious relationship.