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having sex to keep a sexual


artemisia

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Have you had sex in a relationship to keep (or try to keep) a sexual? Did it work or fail?

 

(I ask because I wonder if I should have...or whether it would have made any difference.)

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Yeah. All my relationships failed but not for sex related reasons. After discovering asexuality I wouldn't do that again but it is just me and every relationship is different. Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's not.

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I wouldn't do it. It would be harmful for you, doing something you don't want just to keep someone around. Your own well-being should be more important than anyone else's desire to have sex.

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Won't work.

 

One, you'll get sick of it sooner or later. The question is when, not if.

Two, your partner will eventually realize that you don't get anything out of it, which will be a major blow to their experience. Mutual joy and happiness is a big factor. Not to mention all this "longing" and wanting to be desired that a lot of sexual people need in their relationships.

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There's a difference for me in having sex to "keep" someone in a relationship with me, and me having sex because I want to help fulfill my partner's needs. The first one makes me feel shitty, and I would classify it as manipulative or coercive. The second one is the natural give and take of relationships imo.

I have had relationships that didn't work out because I didn't want sex enough for my partner, but I'm currently in four relationships of varying sexual activity and it's working for us. They respect my boundaries and acknowledge my sexuality, and I acknowledge theirs.  I don't HAVE to, but since my partners are sexual or demisexual, and I'm sex-neutral (sex is a thing that feels emotionally connective and intimate, I just don't initiate) it makes sense for us to, on occasion, engage in that way. If that's not your jam though, find someone who respects and honours that! They are out there. You didn't do anything wrong by listening to your needs.

 

Bottom line, you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do (sacrificing your comfort and boundaries) in order to have a successful relationship, and anyone who is worth dating won't want you to

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It probably would not have helped. Having sex to keep a sexual around never works. 

Before getting into another relationship, figure out if you can compromise or not. If you can't there is nothing wrong with that. And stick to it. Just always be honest with yourself first.

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But god, I miss him so much. Last night I was crying and sobbing like a baby (again). Now I have to go to work exhausted and feeling miserable.

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On 7/30/2017 at 2:00 PM, artemisia said:

Have you had sex in a relationship to keep (or try to keep) a sexual? Did it work or fail?

 

(I ask because I wonder if I should have...or whether it would have made any difference.)

No, no one is worth giving up my needs.

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@Artemeisia I know, it's rough. But my experience has been if someone is going to leave, they will leave, with or without sex. Giving them sex doesn't change that. And it would eventually tear you apart even worse than this. I hope today is better for you, and know that someone is thinking of you. 

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Speaking from two experiences, past and present. It does not and will not work. And you will hurt yourself and your loved one if you try. Simply put, just like any other aspect of your life you can do quite a bit of emotional and mental damage to yourself when you make yourself do something you already know you don't want to or have no interest in. In more times then not, do it long enough and emotional/mental damage can and will result in pretty real physical damage. 

 

To be more direct, there is a difference in keeping a loved one happy by choosing to keep their needs met to the best of your ability. And doing something you don't want to do for someone else. Having sex with your sexual partner even when you don't want to, to keep them happy, regardless of your previous reasoning will very quickly make you very unhappy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Because it takes a toll, every single time you do, it takes a toll. And what happens is it starts breading in you, resentment. That unfortunately will manifest towards that loved one. 

 

For me specifically, it basically eventually infects the love I have for them and causes me to stop loving them. Because the longer I do it, the less I see someone that I love, the more I see someone who I am locked into doing this 'thing' I don't want to do, just for their happiness. It goes on long enough and it starts to sour any good feelings you have for them. Spending time with them, eventually starts meaning having to have sex. Kissing them means sex, touching them means sex. Everything, in my mind eventually is just sex. And seeing as how that's the one thing I have no desire for I eventually have no desire for them as a whole. And all because I made the choice to have sex with them, just in an attempt to keep them.

 

My advice, and with my full understanding of all the possible relationships out there, between an asexaul and sexual person... find someone, who is perfectly okay and perfectly happy being with you, being in love with you, being in a relationship with you. WITHOUT SEX. That way, you have the freedom of choosing to have sex or not, and it isn't felt like a prerequisite to being with that person. Never choose to be in a relationship where you have to make the decision of 'have sex for them or break up'. Because in the end that person will prove not to have been worth the choice to begin with... Be happy in yourself, with yourself and find someone who can do the same WITH YOU.

 

--> That is what I am currently trying to navigate, because I am currently in a relationship, where I made the choice to have sex for the other persons benefit and for the second time in my life, it's damn near ruined the relationship for me. And I'm literally moving to another continent just to get a break from it. 

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As a husband, this question is relevant to my experience.

 

Believe it or not, the official advice of marriage "experts," to husbands like me, is to have sex with my wife whether I like it or not.

 

According to these experts, sexual wives get so much from sex with their husbands, that anything is better than nothing, so if I want her to be happy, I should just fake it.

 

I have faked it, and still can, I just don't want to any more. I just don't care.

 

I haven't had sex in five years, and simply don't miss it. It's almost like I hate myself for having ever done it.

 

 

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On ‎7‎/‎30‎/‎2017 at 1:00 PM, artemisia said:

Have you had sex in a relationship to keep (or try to keep) a sexual? Did it work or fail?

 

(I ask because I wonder if I should have...or whether it would have made any difference.)

Depends on the sexual BUT.....

Most of the time, it wouldn't make much difference. 

 

Most of the sexuals I know/have known/have read about don't simply want "sex"; they want SEX.  That is, LOTS and LOTS of it, AND...they want different kinds, different positions, etc.  They want consistent "regular" sex. 

 

Even if you agreed to have "sex" with them, eventually they may want something that will completely turn YOU off.  Often they can become so focused on what they're NOT getting, that it takes over their life. 

 

I understand that missing your ex is painful NOW, but trust me...later on down the road, you'll be GLAD that you stuck to your guns. 

 

This too shall pass. 

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30 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

Believe it or not, the official advice of marriage "experts," to husbands like me, is to have sex with my wife whether I like it or not.

 

According to these experts, sexual wives get so much from sex with their husbands, that anything is better than nothing, so if I want her to be happy, I should just fake it.

 

I have faked it, and still can, I just don't want to any more. I just don't care.

Yup.  The "advice" is the same to wives, asexjoe.  We should basically, 'suck-it-up-buttercup' because "men have their needs" and if those "needs" aren't met, they'll start to look elsewhere.  Puh-LEEZ...*gag*. 

 

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I haven't had sex in five years, and simply don't miss it. It's almost like I hate myself for having ever done it.

Please don't hate yourself, Joe.  After all, you probably just 'drank the Kool-Aid' like the rest of us.  The GOOD news is, that NOW you're being true to yourself.  You've taken back your power and you've come to realize that those "experts" aren't as "expert-y" as they THINK they are.  :lol:

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I don't understand what these "needs" are, Vega57, other than the need to make an erection go away. I figured out how to do that about, oh, 46 years ago.

 

I have spent many years trying to source this cultural compulsion for partnered sex, beyond what is required for simple human reproduction. I could never derive any purely emotional satisfaction after emptying myself into someone, no matter how much that other person wanted and liked it.

 

I am being true to myself now, after finally figuring out just what that self is.

 

I still want to feel loved and perhaps never will feel that, because of how I was raised. I get so much more pleasure now simply having good conversations with soulful people, especially those that can understand me.

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21 hours ago, asexjoe said:

I don't understand what these "needs" are, Vega57, other than the need to make an erection go away. I figured out how to do that about, oh, 46 years ago.

Yes!  Yes!!  YES!!!  Exactly!  What "needs" are we talking about?  They talk about 'physical' needs and psychological 'needs'.  But the only physical 'needs' I see, is the one to make the erection (for a man, obviously) to go away.  A man can do that himself.  Even if he or she has a strong libido, he or she can take care of them him or her self.  There is no  physical "need" for a partner to do it.  It would be like saying that I "need" someone to scratch my back for me when it itches.  I have the ability to do it myself.  But ohhhh.....it feels sooooo  muuuuch better when someone ELSE scratches it for me.  Therefore, I "need" it.  (yeah, riiiiiight.)

 

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I have spent many years trying to source this cultural compulsion for partnered sex, beyond what is required for simple human reproduction. I could never derive any purely emotional satisfaction after emptying myself into someone, no matter how much that other person wanted and liked it.

I have done the same. The only answer I can come up with that makes somewhat sense is EGO. 

 

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I am being true to myself now, after finally figuring out just what that self is.

I wish more men had your insight....

 

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I still want to feel loved and perhaps never will feel that, because of how I was raised. I get so much more pleasure now simply having good conversations with soulful people, especially those that can understand me.

Yet, so many men (and a good amount of women) don't or WON'T "connect" through conversation...or other actions...like, getting an ice cream cone together.  It's like, sex is the "ultimate".  But I've discovered lately, that there are many men and women who claim that if they have more sex with their partner, they don't really feel "closer".  They feel "as close" as they did BEFORE having sex. 

 

And, if that's true, then WTF????

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I tried to, but in hindsight, I should have stayed true to myself.

Breaking up was good. I have time, money and friends now.

In future, I will not ever try to engage in intercourse. It's a waste of my time, and would be of hers.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 30.7.2017 at 10:17 PM, Delusory said:

Yeah. All my relationships failed but not for sex related reasons. After discovering asexuality I wouldn't do that again but it is just me and every relationship is different. Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's not.

I agree, although I 'd never force myself into something I don't want to. Especially not for having sex.

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20 hours ago, vega57 said:

Yes!  Yes!!  YES!!!  Exactly!  What "needs" are we talking about?  They talk about 'physical' needs and psychological 'needs'.  But the only physical 'needs' I see, is the one to make the erection (for a man, obviously) to go away.  A man can do that himself.  Even if he or she has a strong libido, he or she can take care of them him or her self.  There is no  physical "need" for a partner to do it.  It would be like saying that I "need" someone to scratch my back for me when it itches.  I have the ability to do it myself.  But ohhhh.....it feels sooooo  muuuuch better when someone ELSE scratches it for me.  Therefore, I "need" it.  (yeah, riiiiiight.)

 

I have done the same. The only answer I can come up with that makes somewhat sense is EGO. 

 

I wish more men had your insight....

 

Yet, so many men (and a good amount of women) don't or WON'T "connect" through conversation...or other actions...like, getting an ice cream cone together.  It's like, sex is the "ultimate".  But I've discovered lately, that there are many men and women who claim that if they have more sex with their partner, they don't really feel "closer".  They feel "as close" as they did BEFORE having sex. 

 

And, if that's true, then WTF????

Yeah, that makes no sense at all. I wish these people would simply admit to simply wanting sex for sex's sake -- before the sex beings -- and stop trying to impart nobility and purpose to this desire, in retrospect.

 

Thanks very much for your warmth and validation, Vegas57.

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krystal_muzik

This is why I like being part of this board...there's just so much insight. 

 

I never got the importance and the need for sex that people keep talking about. I just don't get it. I would be willing to do my SO if they would just shut up about it after they got it. But, they never do. Like someone else in this thread stated, it's never enough....they want different types, positions etc. I would feel so trapped in a relationship with a sexual.

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everywhere and nowhere

It's not just that a sexual partner desires sex in a relationship and that it's natural for them. They also want things which, for sexuals, kinda go in package with sex: feeling desired, attractive... This is something an asexual person can't provide even if they are completely OK with having sex to satisfy the partner's needs. The more responsible an allosexual person is, the more they will also care about their partner's wellbeing and just won't feel right about having sex with someone who doesn't seem to get any psychological gain from it.

Have you at least talked to him about it? Honesty is always better than making promises which will be impossible to keep.

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All my relationships with sexuals failed for non sexual reasons (Didn't feel loved, religious reasons, insecurity.) that because it wasn't overcome it never reached the "sex" part. 

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On 5/8/2017 at 1:10 AM, asexjoe said:

As a husband, this question is relevant to my experience.

 

Believe it or not, the official advice of marriage "experts," to husbands like me, is to have sex with my wife whether I like it or not.

 

According to these experts, sexual wives get so much from sex with their husbands, that anything is better than nothing, so if I want her to be happy, I should just fake it.

 

I have faked it, and still can, I just don't want to any more. I just don't care.

 

I haven't had sex in five years, and simply don't miss it. It's almost like I hate myself for having ever done it.

 

 

I guess most 'marriage councellors' are sexuals, trying to mend a problem between two sexuals where one has lost interest. They do not see the asexuality. I also spend a lot of energy on trying to figure out which/how sex would be grrrreat for my wife, and often what would actually be great was not to have sex! 

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2 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I guess most 'marriage councellors' are sexuals, trying to mend a problem between two sexuals where one has lost interest. They do not see the asexuality. I also spend a lot of energy on trying to figure out which/how sex would be grrrreat for my wife, and often what would actually be great was not to have sex! 

They are also mostly female, and see things only from a feminine perspective.

 

If you look up sexless marriage on Google, nearly all the articles tell men to "fake it 'til you make it." The emphasis is on making the wives feel desired, even if they aren't.

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2 minutes ago, asexjoe said:

They are also mostly female, and see things only from a feminine perspective.

 

If you look up sexless marriage on Google, nearly all the articles tell men to "fake it 'til you make it." The emphasis is on making the wives feel desired, even if they aren't.

Often the advice is to have sex anyways and in the proces of having it, you may find it nice and better and kind of link into the forgotten fact that you deep down love your partner and perhaps even be more ready for dealing with other relationship problems. Still doesnt fly with the aces! But it could work for the sexuals. 

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3 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Often the advice is to have sex anyways and in the proces of having it, you may find it nice and better and kind of link into the forgotten fact that you deep down love your partner and perhaps even be more ready for dealing with other relationship problems. Still doesnt fly with the aces! But it could work for the sexuals. 

It doesn't work for sexuals either. Anyone with a lot of marital experience will tell you, you can't fuck your way out of serious marital problems.

 

I had sex every day for 25 years and it didn't resolve mine.

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Telecaster68
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It doesn't work for sexuals either.

Does sometimes. I've seen a fair number of posts on non-asexual forums about it working.

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On 7/30/2017 at 10:00 PM, artemisia said:

Have you had sex in a relationship to keep (or try to keep) a sexual? Did it work or fail?

 

(I ask because I wonder if I should have...or whether it would have made any difference.)

 

Oh boy, again one of these where I can't make general assertions, but only give personal experience..

 

My asexual partner has done a lot to try and compromise and be sexually intimate with me. And it has made a difference. As someone who was a virgin before that, she's made me feel like I'm actually, you know, worth the trouble. Like someone being sexual with me is something that's not completely insane and out of the question. And I've enjoyed it a great deal. Not always, but there were times.

 

Currently we're in a phase where she's not willing to do that. And maybe it'll stay this way for good. To me, the fact that she has been willing to compromise in the past, makes a huge difference to how I experience this. I know for a fact that she cares, and she's willing to sacrifice a lot for me, so I'm okay with giving up on my needs if that's our only option right now.

 

Also, even if you're not willing to be sexual with your partner, I think it's still very important to make them know you care. If you attempt to ignore the matter entirely, your partner will understandably feel like you don't care about their needs. On the other hand, if you show them that you care by emotionally supporting them (talking, listening, trying to understand their point of view), even if you are not willing to actually have sex, this may help the situation a great deal.

 

 

In the end, just having sex for their sake will not solve all your relationship's problems. But if you intend to make the relationship work, having sex for someone else's sake can be a tool in your toolbox, along with the standard ones of honesty and open communication. It's really your call, whether it's worth it to you or not. And given by the fact that you went on a forum for asexuals, and asked the question in the tone that you did, my guess the answer is "no" in this particular case. However, that doesn't mean it's always a bad idea.

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On 7/31/2017 at 0:37 AM, spoons said:

Bottom line, you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do (sacrificing your comfort and boundaries) in order to have a successful relationship, and anyone who is worth dating won't want you to

I agree with you in general, but on this particular detail, I'm not sure. I would certainly want my asexual partner to sacrifice her comfort and boundaries, because it would somewhat alleviate my own crushing despair about the lack of sexual intimacy in my life, which quite frankly is rather difficult to bear. She's a great person though, so aside from the fact that I strive not to manipulate or coerce the people I care about, she wouldn't let herself be manipulated or coerced anyway. She only does what she wants, and if she doesn't want to have sex, she won't, no matter how much I want her to. So, I kind of fail to see how I'm not a person "worth dating", based on that singular fact.

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Salted Karamel

I think this all depends on the sexual and ace person in question... Some aces are sex neutral and don't mind having sex as much as, say, a sex repulsed ace might, or someone who's endured sexual trauma. Some sexuals are super sexual and need to have sex every day, some are less so. It's a losing game to try to say things like "sexuals will always need this and aces will always need that."

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