Finding out you are Asexual after Marriage?

[Neina]

I am currently still trying to figure out like sexuality and everything really. But when I try to bring it up to people that I trust and love they dismiss the idea that I might be asexual. My parents told me they thought it was unlikely due to the fact that I got married. So my question is, has anyone here found out they were asexual only after getting married? I know that there are some married asexuals out there, but I want to know if anyone found out after the fact. 

 

Thank you

[Yep, me]

I intend to get married if I find the best long term platonic relationship I could imagine, for the most part. Yes, I have heard others, but what you're parents said was stupid(no offense), marriage is just a long term relationship of any kind.

[Guest]

I wasn't married when I figured out it's fine to not be into sex and it didn't mean anything was wrong with me.  But, we had been living together for five years.

 

Being married/in a relationship etc doesn't invalidate asexuality. I am guessing your family is thinking with that old ignorant statement of "Without sex, what's the point of a relationship?" but there are many reasons a person may want a romantic partnership or marriage beyond sex. 

[Titchwithpitch]

This is my exact situation, I only really found out a few weeks ago and I hadn't really thought about it before because I guess I had wrongly assumed certain things. In fact I'm almost 3 years into marriage and 6 years into our relationship.  @Serran is definitely right although it is personally taking me some time to adjust to the whole thing.

To be honest I knew I had some issues I just didn't think oh its because I m Asexual. I assumed my anxiety was the main problem. but looking back there were clearly signs that I didn't see before our relationship too.

[Neina]

14 hours ago, Titchwithpitch said:

This is my exact situation, I only really found out a few weeks ago and I hadn't really thought about it before because I guess I had wrongly assumed certain things. In fact I'm almost 3 years into marriage and 6 years into our relationship.  @Serran is definitely right although it is personally taking me some time to adjust to the whole thing.

To be honest I knew I had some issues I just didn't think oh its because I m Asexual. I assumed my anxiety was the main problem. but looking back there were clearly signs that I didn't see before our relationship too.

You have been married a bit less than I have.  yeah, it gets confusing when you don't know if it is anxiety, asexuality or just something else...

Thank you everyone who has answered. 

[merc-birb]

I'm in a similar situation, actually! Been married for almost 3 years, but we've been together for over 10.

 

I've been slowly coming to terms with it over the course of a year. I thought I might be demi, at first, but then I realized I couldn't remember feeling sexual attraction to anyone EVER, including the man I love. :/ It's only in the past few months, after talking with friends who are also on the ace-spectrum and reading online, that I've actually come out and said "I'm asexual". It's not easy, not at all, especially when you're already in a relationship during which you've probably had sex and probably found something missing in an act that your partner seems to find so fulfilling. :/

[amber mitchell]

I too have literally just made the discovery that I am asexual. I've been in my relationship for 7 years, been married for 2 years and have 2 children. I've always known I was 'different' and it's caused no end of problems with relationships. To begin with I tried to just 'fit in' and be 'normal' which in turn lead me to think I was 'broken' somehow, or that it was something I needed to 'fix'. Even my husband has spent the 7 years we have been together, asking me to make more effort, to try different things in the bedroom, getting upset thinking I don't love him and generally not understanding why I don't like, want, or think about sex. Of course I didn't understand it either, so it has lead to some difficult times.

Somehow we have survived the tough bits. In fact it was him who was doing research on asexuality and encouraged me to look into it.

I was reluctant to do so to be honest.

Although deep down I know, confirmation of it scares me.

I feel a little like, all the while I believe myself to be 'broken', it leaves me opportunity to be 'fixed' and in turn, fix our relationship flaws.

If that's not the case, and this is just me, what then?

I know my husband will be understanding, but sex is a big deal to him and a relationship without it would be a problem.

He loves me, and I don't believe for a second he would leave But, currently I have to force myself to make love to him once a month or so, because I feel like it's my duty or that it will cause an argument because he gets pent up.

If this is never going to change, because I am asexual, where do I go from here????

Is there something that might help me see intimacy in a more favourable light, rather than just a chore? I feel like i should make an effort to meet him halfway, if he can accept me the way i am. Does anyone else manage to create a harmonious marriage that includes sex in a very small way?

 

[merc-birb]

On 8/3/2017 at 5:14 AM, amber mitchell said:

I feel a little like, all the while I believe myself to be 'broken', it leaves me opportunity to be 'fixed' and in turn, fix our relationship flaws.

If that's not the case, and this is just me, what then?

I know my husband will be understanding, but sex is a big deal to him and a relationship without it would be a problem.

He loves me, and I don't believe for a second he would leave But, currently I have to force myself to make love to him once a month or so, because I feel like it's my duty or that it will cause an argument because he gets pent up.

If this is never going to change, because I am asexual, where do I go from here????

Is there something that might help me see intimacy in a more favourable light, rather than just a chore? I feel like i should make an effort to meet him halfway, if he can accept me the way i am. Does anyone else manage to create a harmonious marriage that includes sex in a very small way?

 

I'm the same way. We recently (past few months) came to a compromise that we would be intimate by HIS definition of the term (actual sexual contact) on Sundays. Sometimes it leads to intercourse, sometimes it doesn't, but I'm fairly bored with the whole process except that it makes him happier? I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that, while I'm not sex-averse, my neutrality to participating in 95% of physically intimate acts means that I CAN NOT fulfill my husband's needs for seduction and being sexual desired. You can't FORCE yourself to feel physical desire for someone or something if it just isn't there. You can PRETEND, put on an act for him, but that might only hurt YOU in the long run.  And while there might BE something that does attract you that you haven't discovered yet (because sexuality is fluid), it isn't something you can put on like a new sweater.  

The biggest way I can see our situations differing is that I'm not afraid of my husband getting angry. I'm afraid he might hurt himself trying to NOT feel desire. Like your spouse, sex is a really big deal for him and my not being capable of desiring him in a carnal way has been slowly feeding his depression. That... is a topic for another thread. In both cases, you and I can't fill that gap in our loved one's needs and that hurts like heck. We're making it work, but sometimes, it's frightening and you wonder if there will ever come a time when that physical need they have will be stronger than everything else. V_V

 

It might change. Your body might flip and you might start feeling desire. From everything I've read, sexuality is fluid and we can't predict when or if it might change. But yeah, right now.... I don't know what to do anymore than you do.

[JDP]

On 7/29/2017 at 10:09 PM, Neina said:

I am currently still trying to figure out like sexuality and everything really. But when I try to bring it up to people that I trust and love they dismiss the idea that I might be asexual. My parents told me they thought it was unlikely due to the fact that I got married. So my question is, has anyone here found out they were asexual only after getting married? I know that there are some married asexuals out there, but I want to know if anyone found out after the fact. 

 

Thank you

I did, into my third marriage.

[Blondbear]

20 hours ago, asexjoe said:

I did, into my third marriage.

 

You have to be really strong and tough person, and I am not kidding at all. Surviving two divorces and three marriages, that is A LOT, and I am not talking even about sexual orientation here, whoever can survive to that is tough as nails. I know people with one divorce who are a mental wreck.

[Federstein]

I actually got married last week, but we have been together more than six years by now. I'm still trying to figure everything out, and I'm not sure I can ever tell him I might be asexual because I think he would take it personally (sex is also a sensitive issue for him). Sex doesn't bother me, and most of the time I enjoy being close to him. It helps that he doesn't have a really high libido himself. Actually my discovery of my asexuality so far only changed that I feel a bit more normal and not 'broken'.

 

I'm not sure if it will create problems in the future, right now I feel fine trying it this way...

[JDP]

2 hours ago, Blondbear said:

 

You have to be really strong and tough person, and I am not kidding at all. Surviving two divorces and three marriages, that is A LOT, and I am not talking even about sexual orientation here, whoever can survive to that is tough as nails. I know people with one divorce who are a mental wreck.

Actually it hasn't been that tough, which is why I think I'm asexual. Or a sociopath. One of the two.

 

My first wife took off with another man, bore him two children and then took off and left them, too. Divorcing her was easy because she simply wasn't around to contest.

 

The second divorce was her idea, and after the divorce I find out she was only bluffing. Oops! In any case, that divorce was IPP and over-with in six months.

[@RealTracy]

I discovered I was asexual about 14 years, and 2 kids into my relationship. It took 2 years after that to accept it and come out to my husband. We have been together for a total of 27 years. I guess that is successful in a sense. At times it seems like an up hill battle and I believe our relationship is now more like a business contract then anything else. I know we still love each other but it is very different then it was. Not bad but not altogether good either. I would like to say it is a work in progress but not sure when that progress will come to an end and if we will remain married or not. That being said. I do not regret not knowing sooner. Would do it all over again if I had to.

[jennidoodle]

I was married for 12 years before I discovered that asexuality was a thing. I was probably about four years into my marriage and had one child before I realized that there did not seem to be anyone who could comprehend my feelings about sex. People didn't understand why I thought it was gross, and I didn't understand why they didn't think so. Prior to that, I thought everyone was like me. I thought advice to remain abstinent until marriage was the same as saying no to drugs; that the only reason people chose to have sex was because of peer pressure. When I learned that sexual desire was an actual physical thing, I spent years trying to find mine, but it didn't work. It was still gross, sticky, stinky, and pointless (to me). My husband craves sex and is lonely without it, which is ironic considering I have to pretty much check out of my body to do it. If I think about it too much, it's just too gross for me to go through with. So it was drunk sex only for me, except then he told me he didn't want to have sex when I was drunk. I'm four months sober now and intend to stay that way, but the thought of having sex without being drunk gives me anxiety.