married to an asexual

[hubby to asexual]

i have been married for 13 years.  my wife is beautiful inside and out.  when we dated (for almost 5 years), we had an active sex life and she always would talk about "when we are married...we will have sex everyday, you will be the luckiest man in the world, I can't wait to wake you up every morning with oral sex, etc".  well, flash forward 13 years.  we have sex about once every month and I think it is because she feels obligated.  it is always very vanilla and rushed.  if i try foreplay, she will say, "hurry up".  she will not discuss our sex life and changes the subject or ignores me when i try and bring it up.  if i try and hug or kiss her, she literally recoils or stiffens up.  she recently made a comment "I think I am asexual", but did not explain further.  

 

I do love her, but she has never given me any options on how my needs (physical, emotional, intimacy, etc) can be met.

any time I have tried, she gets defensive and attacks me.  I have told her i love her and am willing to accept her asexuality, but she has never given me any options for my needs.

Any guidance on how I can try and have a conversation with her?

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[Treesarepretty]

That sounds tough. You could try telling her about AVEN. Maybe the fact that you are actively trying to understand her perspective will help her open up. If you get her on this site, the two of you could develop a circle of friends to help. 

 

I am new to this, though, so you should take the advice of more seasoned people over mine. 

[JDP]

If it were me, I'd have a process server serve her with divorce papers.

 

That will get her attention, and you'll get the answers you're looking for.

 

I've been married 13 years, too. My wife and I don't communicate about those things, either.

[MrDane]

She sounds like an asexual, who had enough of sex and now feel bored about what she once enjoyed. Perhaps the joy of giving joy isnt enough anymore. 

 

Try to make agreements about how and how often. Please note, that my experience is, that if I/we can remove the undertone of sex from our hugs/kisses, then more will come. In other words, better chance for sex if you dont 'want' it!

[gisiebob]

I would talk to this person that you care about, asking her what she is thinking and feeling in these situations, without your needs being brought up at all. then once you actually understand the situation you may be equipped to address it.

[Guest]

 

Maybe you should show your wife the comment you made here so she can try to see things from your perspective? What if she could come to some compromise you are both happy with, like cuddling naked while you masturbate yourself? That way she doesn't have to have actual *sex* (which can be painful and emotionally draining when you can't make your hormones want it - I've been there) BUT *you'd* still be getting some intimacy and sexual release? Would you enjoy that and would she be able to compromise with something like that?