A Confused Mess

[Rechaiah]

I'm 23, a lesbian, and in my first relationship. It is more apparent now than ever that I'm not like my girlfriend, I'm just not (in my own words) fully sexual. I experience sexual feelings on occasion but even when I do they are fleeting and I am rarely driven to want to act upon them. They are also virtually exclusively occur after I am closely bonded with someone and not before. (As in I watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show and feel nothing.) I don't know if I am capable of even having a full sexual experience as this is something I've never attempted. I also experience recurring sex repulsion where instead of feeling neutral on the idea, I am repulsed by my own occasional feelings and would not want to interact with anyone under any circumstances. I also am EXTREMELY afraid of my own body and do not want to be the recipient of anything sexually. This is not an occasional occurrence but rather a constant state, to the point where my therapist and I have discussed whether or not I remember ever being abused.

 

I just feel incomplete and broken sometimes while my girlfriend is completely typical in these areas. I want to be able to have a physical relationship with her when I visit her next month for the second time (we are in a long distance relationship), but I have no idea if I'll be in a sex repulsed mode or not (which can range from hours to weeks). I also know that even if I am not in such a state, I won't feel even a tiny portion of what she feels AND I won't want to be touched myself because of my body fears. (I also have anxiety, depression, and OCD both classic and pure O if that helps anyone understand better.)

 

I don't think I'll be able to overcome my body fears and allow myself to touched, but I do want to do things for her and get what little enjoyment I can out of just that. I know people are likely to give me a long list of labels but I don't really believe in them for myself. I'll just say I'm not fully sexual and leave it at that, though I would still be interested in hearing what you think. I guess mostly I wish I didn't feel alone and that I could fully satisfy my girlfriend because I hate the thought of her secretly feeling denied because of being with me. And any advice on how to overcome sex repulsion if I happen to be in that mode when I see her? I'm hoping that my lack of sexual feeling is overcome in the moment as well but I don't know if this is likely.

[TopHatCat]

Well we typically like to advise against forcing yourself to please your partner. I know what you said about labels, but they're just there to help us sort out how different situations effect us. Therefore I will mention briefly that we have separated romantic and sexual attraction, and based on your description it very much sounds like a typical asexual situation. 

 

It of course is possible that what you've been experiencing is a result of psychological trauma or something similar, but it's not healthy to doubt your state of mind that much. If this is what you are feeling, then you shouldn't feel obligated for one reason or another to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. The way you feel, regardless why, matters. 

 

You can find a lot of asexual experience stories on this site, so if you think they're similar to what's happening with you then it's important to discuss with your girlfriend so she knows what to expect. Relationships are a 2-person agreement, so neither partner should ever have to suffer as a result of it.

[Rechaiah]

25 minutes ago, TopHatCat said:

Well we typically like to advise against forcing yourself to please your partner. I know what you said about labels, but they're just there to help us sort out how different situations effect us. Therefore I will mention briefly that we have separated romantic and sexual attraction, and based on your description it very much sounds like a typical asexual situation. 

 

It of course is possible that what you've been experiencing is a result of psychological trauma or something similar, but it's not healthy to doubt your state of mind that much. If this is what you are feeling, then you shouldn't feel obligated for one reason or another to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. The way you feel, regardless why, matters. 

 

You can find a lot of asexual experience stories on this site, so if you think they're similar to what's happening with you then it's important to discuss with your girlfriend so she knows what to expect. Relationships are a 2-person agreement, so neither partner should ever have to suffer as a result of it.

It sounds asexual even though I sometimes experience sexual attraction?

[TopHatCat]

Yeah, it can be finicky I'm sorry to say. Some people feel it rarely, some can only feel it through characters in a book or movie, and some people only feel it after a very long period of dating/friendship with someone.

 

Also, it sounds really strange when phrased this way, but there's been some consensus that someone can be ace if they don't find people sexually attractive. Urges are just biological and vary, but if it's not as a result of someone you find sexually attractive then you lean towards the asexual spectrum.