bluecoldchilipepper Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I already wrote this, but I deleted it because it was waaay too long (5 pages). I decided to rewrite a readers digest version, rather than starting at the beginning of my life story. If someone is interested in getting like the full scoop and really heling me out (I can't talk to a friend about thins, I just can't bring myself to emerge from this cloak of internet anonymity) I can give you more details, not that you want or need them, agh this is harder than I thought. I feel so weird doing this. Asking for help from people who don't know me. Okay, I'm just going to get on with it. Minus the back story, I have a girlfriend. I am a pretty romantic person, or at least I like to think I am. Romance never has made me uncomfortable. Sex on the other hand, honestly I couldn't even say it out loud until last year. People would say I was immature or something. People would joke, including myself, that I didn't have feelings. I guess I didn't realize romance and sex are totally separate. But anyway, back to the girlfriend, I hadn't seen her in a while (I was away at my summer job, but we spoke over the phone every day) and we got really close and we made out and I am so confused. Like, my whole life, I've wanted to want someone that way, but I just never did. While I was away, I thought maybe I did. But there we were, in her bed, making out, and I was like freaking out because I never thought I'd be able to do that (I have a hard time with physical contact, especially if I like the person romantically, which might not make sense but whatever) and I was all happy but it didn't last. Especially when I reached my new low of trying to cover up a neck hickie at Sephora at 10am, trying to avoid conversation with employees. I kept saying it's a right of passage, I should be happy, but I was just so uncomfortable. All my sexual interactions have been awkward and uncomfortable until this, and I liked it but I don't want to do it again really. Oh my god I really don't know how to word this. If you read this far, serious kudos, it's a mess. I'm going to try and be as concise as I can and conclude it. I don't know how I feel. I love her, I really do, and honestly making out was enjoyable, but I'm not going to seek it out. Like if for some reason we couldn't make out again, and we just like flirted, I'd be okay with that. I want to kiss her. I just don't know if I am ready? We have been like this for a year btw, to give context. I am sixteen, and a junior in hs. But it has been a year of me battling with myself and not knowing if I am ready and I try and talk to her about it (she is like my best friend, we talk about everything, if I ever am in a relationship, we are always like that, although I've never put a label on a relationship before) and I just don't know what to say to her anymore, because I don't want to tell her about this. I hate going into detail about my sexual attraction to people (or lack there of) yet of course it comes up frequently in a relationship. I care about her feelings, but I want to be her girlfriend, and I feel like that is selfish of me. Also, yes I am a girl, yes I have tried being with a guy, same thing minus the romance. I don't know what to do and I am loosing patience with myself. I'm knee deep in a relationship I initiated and I'm freaking out. Just give me advice if you can, or tell me you've been there or whatever. I just need to know I'm not being stupid. Do other people feel like this ever? Is there a chance I am asexual? If so, what kind of asexual does it sound like? Is this just me being immature and not ready? How long is it going to take to be "ready" I hate this I am rambling ahhhhh everyone always says I am "just not ready" but I feel ready so why can't I kiss people without feeling so unlike myself after? I've just never been this person. I liked my old self better. I would rather just flirt to be honest. The reason I make out with her is because I know it makes her happy and that makes me happy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bluecoldchilipepper Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 I also just in general have a hard time knowing when things are friendships or more or what and I just don't know what I am doing and it would be great if I did. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HallsiKallsi Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Answer me this: Do you find anyone sexually attractive? the answer can be anyone, is there anyone you get some sort of sexual feeling when you think of them? that you would act on? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bluecoldchilipepper Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 after giving this thought I guess my answer would be: there are people I find attractive. I think I would want to be with them like that but when it comes down to it, it just freaks me out. If I am really bonded with someone, it doesn't "freak me out" per say, but I don't need it. I do it for them. And afterward I always feel bad. Am I just doing something wrong? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lucas Monteiro Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 15 minutes ago, bluecoldchilipepper said: after giving this thought I guess my answer would be: there are people I find attractive. I think I would want to be with them like that but when it comes down to it, it just freaks me out. If I am really bonded with someone, it doesn't "freak me out" per say, but I don't need it. I do it for them. And afterward I always feel bad. Am I just doing something wrong? I think you can be demisexual or asexual by what you describe. But in the end, is only you who can say, only you can give labels to yourself. Give a look at those links : http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual http://wiki.asexuality.org/Asexuality Welcome and before I forget, get some cake here , and if you want to talk more about this, you can PM me. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kai99 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I think this is a case of you not being ready to take the relationship into that level. What happen might have been enjoyable but mentally, your not there yet. People are very diverse in this. Some people feel ready at 14, others at 19, 20, and some never at all. The important thing here is to be honest. Regardless of how your girlfriend might feel, you have to look out for your mental well being and if this is too much, talk to her. Don't do things you don't want to do. She needs to respect that. Go as slow as you need, and if it you never want to go to that, don't be afraid to voice it 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.