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So what am I...?


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I'm very new to the concept of asexuality and there are a lot of new terms floating around and I would appreciate some direction! Any help you could provide in pointing me in the directions that may apply to me would be much appreciated! Here's, well, me I guess?

 

1. In middle school and high school I was never "boy crazy" like most of my friends. One of my close friends admitted to me that she thought I was a lesbian because I didn't have crushes or talk about boys ever. I've recently realized that in a sense, she was half right. I wasn't attracted to boys. However, I wasn't attracted to girls either. I never really thought about it consciously, it's just how I was.

2."Romantically" speaking, I've only ever dated cis men. I am also romantically attracted to people on the masculine side of the gender spectrum. I have never felt a romantic attraction to another woman. Sexual is another story, but I'll get to that later. 

3. My first actual crush, as in not someone who I exaggerated feelings for because I thought that's what everyone else was doing, but actually liked, was a friend of mine when I was 16. He was not physically attractive, but somehow I was more attracted to him than I'd been for any "hot" guy. Eventually we started dating and that was the first time I experienced any sexual feelings ever. We didn't date for very long but I was really devasted when the relationship ended largely because I'd never been able to feel that way before.

4. Later that year I started dating my first long term boyfriend, a physically attractive guy with very few opinions or passion about anything, but all of my friends were having sex and I felt left out and people seemed to think we were cute together so I had sex with him. A lot. I thought if I acted like people in movies or porn it might actually feel like something, and I convinced myself that it did at the time, but honestly it was just sorta there. Not good, not bad, just something to do when there was nothing on tv.

5. All of my sexual encounters after that were pretty much the same. I would have sex, I could even orgasm, but I was never turned on, which I didn't think was possible so I didn't realize that until now. Sex stayed that way until I met my current boyfriend, someone I was friends with in high school and even had a crush on, but he had a girlfriend and I thought that meant he couldn't like me. It was so right just being with him, and sex was and is actually fun, but only if he's involved and only if we'd been more emotionally intimate before having sex. Masturbating does nothing for me. Porn can sometimes turn me on but I've found that the people in porn have to be portrayed like they're in love for it to work. 

6. While I'm romantically and sometimes sexually attracted to men, it's sort of the opposite with women. I can actually be sexually attracted to a woman, but that fades the more I get to know her. My feelings towards women always end up platonic, never romantic, even if I was initially sexually attracted to them. I wouldn't say I'm more sexually attracted to women than I am to men, just that there's no emotional requirement for me to be sexually attracted to women, emotions actually make the sexual attraction go away. I'd also like to point out that although I've been very sexually attracted to other women, the only sex I've had with women was the same as the majority my heterosexual encounters in that it was just sort of there. 

 

Sorry for the length! But if any of this resonates with you and you could direct me towards somewhere that helped you figure yourself out, that would be awesome because I really just don't know where to start. Thanks!

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Okay so it seems like you're in the gray area on things. Gray-aces (like myself) have experienced sexual attraction on very rare occasions. I myself have only experienced it once (and it's a youtube celeb crush soooo lol). An ace, no matter where on the spectrum, can enjoy sex and partake in it. They just don't feel sexually attracted to that person. You can get turned on and all that but that doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to that person or thing. It's like saying a sexual using a sex toy is attracted to that toy they use. No they just enjoy the stimulation. (Apologies to all sex-repulsed aces/aros for this comment). A sex-repulsed ace, which I doubt you are, will often stay away from sexual things and avoid even conversations about them, it varies though. You don't do that so I doubt you are. But this is all you and what you're comfortable with and how you feel so I'll try to answer your experiences with my own and try to explain them hopefully?

 

1) I was the same way in middle school, I had like 2 guys i liked for his personality and it wasn't even that strong. I now realize it was just really strong platonic feelings I misinterpreted. I was like that all my freshman year and a little bit of my sophomore year, then I got into a couple relationships, but more on that later. 

 

2) If you are more romantically attracted to more masculine people then you probably lean heteromantic, meaning you are romantically attracted to the opposite gender (assuming you identify as a female judging by your friends lesbian comment, apologies if I am wrong).

 

3) Romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction. You were romantically attracted to him and didn't care how he looked cause you didn't care about sexual appearance or attractions. You were probably aesthetically attracted to him, which means you enjoyed how he looked but didn't care for sexual attraction. 

 

4) For sexually active aces, that's normal.  Sex is something that they do, for varying reasons, but the most common I've seen (and what I'd personally do) is for their partners and can literally be replaced with anything else or for children. 

 

5) Ok this is a hard one to answer. Turn-ons are hard (hahaa accidental pun. I'm sorry) because they don't have anything to do with sexual attraction, it's what you like and makes you feel good. That's why kinks exist. So this is what YOU like and what makes YOU feel good. It's not your sexuality, it's just what turns you on. AS for the guy, that honestly sounds like demisexuality, a form of gray-ace. Demis need a strong emotional bond (like a really strong friendship) before sexual attraction occurs. Demis are all gray-aces but not all gray-aces are demi, keep that in mind while you think about it. You might identify with both (like I do)

 

6) This one is interesting, I'm not fully sure how to answer but I do know there is a form of sexuality that is the opposite of demi. Fraysexual; where you are sexually attracted to a person you are unfamiliar with but as you get to know them the attraction fades. I'm not sure how that would play in with the female only part.

 

I hope this helps! Please feel free to send me a message if you have questions or just ask around. And there's always the forums with people willing to help you out. Just remember that you are who you are and nobody can label you but yourself. Here's a good place to start looking though: 

It has links to other info threads that I personally have found useful in the past. 

 

Really hope it helps! Sexual and romantic identities can be hard and confusing but we're all here to help! :D

 

Don't forget your cake!!! :cake::cake::cake:

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