Just tired Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 I am in a relationship with a woman that I have been with for over a year now. We also live together. At first we had sex a lot. It dwindled from there because I do not even want sex. I cannot even begin to explain this to her though I love her with all my heart. I finally came clean and told her that I was not interested in sex at all. She feels stupid and betrayed; lied to. And who can really blame her. I am the one who pretended to want sex just so she would not leave me. I want everything there is in a true couple relationship except the actual sex. She does. Plain and simple. I'm lost... Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 There's an old saying that women don't want to be loved, they want to be desired. You may be in a "relationship," whatever that is, but she isn't. For her it's over. Welcome to the club. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 You shouldn't have mislead her that way. It's easy to slip into out of fear def but that's not something to do when you love someone. It's obviously bound to crack sooner or later when major differences like that aren't brought up in the beginning and it is built on a lie. What's done is done and the best you can do is listen to her and what she says to it all. Let her struggle with this. Then sit down and talk it out...what do you both need in a relationship? Be clear even if it is rough so that she knows exactly how it is for you and if you can compromise at all about sex. That's my advice anyhow. I hope you guys can work it out or go your separate ways in an as good way as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Moving from The Gray Area to Relationships Puck Moderator, The Gray Area and The Sex Talk Moderator, Off-A Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 If you willfully lied to get into this relationship, then maintained the lie until after you moved in together, I don't think you should have the slightest expectation of being able to continue the relationship on your terms. The victim of this deception is not under the slightest obligation to agree on any form of sexual compromise, and far less should you even imply that she ought to give up sex for you. You should proceed on the assumption that you are going to break up and offer to assume full financial responsibility for the move out. In future, be honest about your orientation absolutely no later than the third date. Better yet, invest the necessary time and effort to date within your orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 2 hours ago, Jade Cross said: And yet we get sayings like "Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love" *grabs saying* Sorry buddy *thows it out the window* I've never found any value in that saying. Both sexes are object-oriented and slaves to their unconscious. The one thing I've found from decades of experience is that women have psychic needs met through sex that men don't have. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Yes, the need to be desired, the emotional connection, etc. I've heard many times that, to a woman, sex is about surrender. That's different from what men get from sex, from what I've heard. Link to post Share on other sites
Ricki Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 A wonderful sense of accomplishment? Link to post Share on other sites
Mermaidy Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 at best OP can tell their GF/whatever about pretending to want sex and then possibly work together to compromise if the relationship is that important to each of them. tbh pretending to want sex for a relationship is understandable when someone considers the fact that it is super unlikely to find a relationship with an asexual or no-sex-wanter that also relates to the other person in other important ways that are necessary for a good relationship. Before I met my asexual husbando I figured I would end up with a non-asexual partner and was preparing myself for compromise Link to post Share on other sites
JohnQn Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I'm in the same boat as the guy who started this thread. I'm in my first relationship in 20 years with a woman that has no idea that I'm asexual. We've been dating for 3 years now and I love the ground she walks on. It is very very very very difficult for me to have a relationship. I've thought about telling her that I don't want to have sex anymore but not sure how she'd take it. Because I had such an emotional connection to her I was able to have sex with her, which is a rarety for me. I'm probably going to keep my asexuality to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Coming out as asexual is a personal choice and one each person has to make. So, no one has to tell anyone anything. Having said that, though, I feel like to have a healthy relationship there must be honesty involved. I used to moderate the Sexual Partners section of AVEN and I've read all the heart breaking stories from sexual partners who were not told how their partners and spouses felt about sex. They ranged from feeling lied, betrayed, unable to trust and at worst, like they had been raping their partners the whole time. To keep "I don't want it" a secret hurts more than just the asexual having to hide, it hurts the sexual when they figure it out, too. My personal philosophy is, it's OK to not know when you get in a relationship. No one has to know themselves. If you figure it out though, it's important to tell them as soon as you can. If you know before dating, it's important to tell them before anything gets serious, my rule is before the third date (if strangers) and before the first (if they're a friend). It's kind of like dating someone who desperately wants kids, but you know you're child-free. Why keep such a potential deal breaker secret? I can't see any sort of healthy outcome in the end for that. For either side. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 6 hours ago, asexjoe said: Yes, the need to be desired, the emotional connection, etc. I've heard many times that, to a woman, sex is about surrender. That's different from what men get from sex, from what I've heard. That's really not true -- women can feel just as much sexual desire as men can, and men can definitely feel emotional connection with sex. In fact, for years sexual men have posted on AVEN that when they really want with women is not just sex, but sex with emotional connection, and thus they aren't satisfied without it. As far as "surrender", if you mean surrender to a man, I've never heard that from a woman. If you mean surrender to the physical feelings of sex, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 One or both, Sally. I do understand there are men that want that emotional connection, but they don't seem to want to court a woman first. They all want to hit the sack first, and see what happens. The whole Elizabeth/Richard, Frank/Eva thing I never could understand, or feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Ricki Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 9 minutes ago, asexjoe said: I do understand there are men that want that emotional connection, but they don't seem to want to court a woman first. They all want to hit the sack first, and see what happens. I feel you have massively over-generalised this... Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I did offer it as personal opinion. That's how it seems to me, is what I stated. If you're saying courtship is alive and well, I'd sure like some supporting evidence. Most people don't even know what the word means. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Since this thread is about a woman being the innocent victim of deception, I really don't understand the reason for all of the gender stereotypes. It seems like an effort to blame the victim. Like, it's okay to trick and trap sexual women because they wouldn't have a problem with lifelong celibacy if they lived up to the gender stereotypes in someone else's head? So really, this should be all about being bitter and terribly disappointed in the victim, not about the deceiver taking responsibility for their actions and making better choices going forward, right? Link to post Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 From my pov it is completely selfish and horrible to deliberately hide it and making it appear as if you are enjoying it. If someone had done that to me I'd be shattered. When my partner showed interest in me that way I said as it was to be clear that I was asexual. Sure it could have lost me the friendship but it wouldn't be fair not letting him know. Besides if that wouldn't work for him he'd be better off knowing sooner than later. Why would I wish for his unhappiness. As it turned out I am demisexual so things worked out better than expected for us matching our sexualities. Witholding it is not a small matter like pretending to be okay with buying fat free milk instead of the real deal for the sake of compromising. It's just as bad as if you'd pretend to love the person but do not or if you have a secret other family in another state. It's entirely different not really knowing, being unsure if liking it or not or wanting to believe you like it but getting to another conclusion later on. That is understandable but deception isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamsammie Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 You have to be completely honest with people from the start. They will either accept it, or they will not. You can't submit yourself to something, whatever the reason, then throw the asexual card when you've had enough. It's not fair to the other person involved. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I put the blame on parents and the Internet. Girls don't want to be courted and boys are just following their lead. Or is the moderator going to ding me on that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 7 minutes ago, asexjoe said: I put the blame on parents and the Internet. Girls don't want to be courted and boys are just following their lead. Or is the moderator going to ding me on that too. No, the mod probably won't ding you, but we can certainly say that you're continuing to stereotype, and it isn't cool. You just expanded your stereotyping to parents, the internet, girls, and boys. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 That is a stereotypical response, Sally. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Stereotyping is generally not a good idea, because while there are some places stereotypes fit, in general they are exaggerated ideas of gender/group/roles/whatever. Both men and women like "courting" - as in, getting to know one another without sex, before they go to that stage. There are even songs and such about taking things slow, not rushing, getting to know one another before getting physical, etc. It's not something people just don't do. Of course, both men and women also like sex. So, a lot of people will jump right to it. Neither way is bad, or inferior and it's fine whatever the couple decides is best for them. And, having been involved in many a discussion on sex between groups of girls and groups of guys, at least my age or younger, they seem to feel pretty similarly about sex. It feels good, it's emotionally bonding, it can be fun with strangers or great with a loving partner. I never noticed any significant difference between the two groups. Or anything about surrender, except to surrender control of their bodies to the overwhelming sensations (and that's on both sides). But, this topic is about the OP and their relationship. So, saying this, these things are not relevant to that. So, perhaps we should take it to a separate thread, if this debate wants to continue? Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Faking feelings or pretending to want things will not work. Repeat: It. Will. Not. Work. It's not a question of if it will fail, but when it will fail - and the longer it takes, the more it'll hurt. I have yet to see any "I pretend to feel x in my relationship and it works!" thread on here. IMHO there's only one way to go from here for OP (and anyone relating to this, really). Be open and honest about your feelings, accept your partner's reaction and see whether you can find a compromise that works for either of you. There are a few possibilities to look at: The sexual partner giving up sex. The asexual partner taking part in sexual activities. Finding a compromise that both people can agree on and are happy with (like a schedule, or certain acts that all parties involved actually enjoy; it's up to the people involved to negotiate). Having the sexual partner meet their needs elsewhere, either officially or unofficially. Or, plain and simple, break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.