13 years and frustrated

[FrustratedWife]

So, I'm married to my best friend. A person I love like a brother. We've been together for 13 years, sex happens less than once a year. He's asexual, I'm not. The first year or so, we had sex, then it just turned colder and colder. He admitted that he never really had a need for such. 

 

I miss being intimate. I miss being wanted, desired, craved. I long for someone to want me, to get turned on by me. Cuddling for me is almost painful, as I end up wanting more. 

 

I'm tired of being refused sex, that my own sexuality is being suppressed because of him.  In the first years, I tried to persuade him, I made some serious efforts to turn him on. Nothing worked, ofcourse, and I ended up feeling rejected and unattractive. For a long while, I thought it was me. Now a days I don't even bother trying anymore. My relationship has turned into a friendship, I've got a roomie for life. 

 

I was the one who realised first, he was asexual. He didn't know the term before I introduced it.

 

I've suggested an open relationship in terms of sex. He refuses. He's afraid to lose me, he says. Ironically he might end up losing me, due to refusing it. 

 

I don't know where to go anymore. I want a romantic, passionate relationship. 

 

How do you other people make this work in the long run?

[InariYana]

Is he sex-repulsed? 

I don't have a need for sex, but I'm sex-neutral, so I can have it if partner wants it (excluding some types of sex), let's say once a week or 2 weeks maximum.

Maybe he would agree to something like that? The part about being craved and desired... if he's really asexual, you will not be sexually desired in the sense of purely sexual attraction and "hunger". It just doesn't work like that for most us... Talk to him, try to discover his "shade" of asexuality and see what his attitude to sex is (repulsed? neutral? positive?). If he finds sex repulsive - that will cause you more suffering in the long run and you can't simply change it by talking, therapy, medication AND it would be unfair on him to pressurize him to change. Nothing wrong with being ace. 

[Guest]

The best you can do is just talk to him about it, if you haven't already. Explain to him all these things you've said in this post and work together to get on the same page.

If he's afraid to lose you, then he's gotta put a bit more effort into keeping you, I think. Work something out for the two of you, so that you both can be happy!

 

Thing is, even if he does provide more sex, for example, just remember that it won't ever be something emotional for him. He'd just be doing it for you and not get anything else out of it. So I can't guarantee it'll ever be... Passionate, per-say... But it'll be something if he tries.

 

However, if he turns out unwilling to compromise with you — to meet your needs as you've been doing for him [having less sex] — then I see no reason for you to have to stick around. ;w;

Can't change each others sexualities, and sometimes it's the better option in the long-run.

 

I'm afraid that's all I can offer from my stand-point.

I'm sorry if it wasn't helpful! I'm sure somebody else could do better!

Good luck anyway! ;w; /

[FrustratedWife]

I don't want to pressure him to have sex. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being ace. I fully respect who he is. I know I can't change his sexuality. It's just hard to cope with, as I end up getting punished due to it. 

 

He says he has no urge, no desire for it. He does not masturbate. He doesn't get anything out of porn. He's not repulsed by it, it's just not of interest to him. 

 

When we have sex in a very rare occasion (<once a year), it ends up feeling like... "let's get this over with" - it doesn't last very long for him either, since he's not used to it.

 

So, I end up suffering, while he's alright, as our relationship is a friendship. After 13 years, I'm starting to think we'd be better off without one another, which at the same time breaks my heart because I love him. 

[Cat Lady Lisa]

Would he be open to pleasuring you with a toy, or giving you sensual massages perhaps? I'm sex repulsed and can't stand being touched in that way but work around it by giving my husband a relaxing massage with a 'happy ending' so his need for intimacy and release is fulfilled and my need to not be touched is respected. It sounds like he either genuinely doesn't realise how much this affects you or is burying his head in the sand and hoping the 'problem' goes away. To many ace people the concept of having a need for sex is difficult to get their head around, since it's hard to imagine something so different to anything you've ever experienced. 

[FrustratedWife]

10 minutes ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

 is burying his head in the sand and hoping the 'problem' goes away. 

I believe this is his reaction. I've told him many times how frustrated I am, I've questioned him on if it was me, I've tried to bring up the topic in different ways over the years. I've asked for an open relationship to have my needs fulfilled in other ways. 

 

I genuinely believe I've done what I can to make him aware I'm frustrated. That he doesn't do anything to help me, makes me feel like he just doesn't care enough about me. 

 

Next step is couples therapy, and the step after that might end up as divorce. He knows this, and have agreed to couples therapy. 

[Cat Lady Lisa]

FrustratedWife, that isn't a good attitude to have about anything, hopefully the therapy and threat of divorce if nothing changes will shock him into making an effort to consider your needs as well as his own. Stay strong and I hope you can work something out. 

[MrDane]

19 minutes ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

Would he be open to pleasuring you with a toy, or giving you sensual massages perhaps? I'm sex repulsed and can't stand being touched in that way but work around it by giving my husband a relaxing massage with a 'happy ending' so his need for intimacy and release is fulfilled and my need to not be touched is respected. It sounds like he either genuinely doesn't realise how much this affects you or is burying his head in the sand and hoping the 'problem' goes away. To many ace people the concept of having a need for sex is difficult to get their head around, since it's hard to imagine something so different to anything you've ever experienced. 

"Giving a relaxing massage with a 'happy ending'!" Out of love of course! Sounds like a good idea. 

Putting the focus on "will you aid me with this" instead of "let us have sex!" 

 

Scedules and agreements does not sound sexy, but I find them de-stressing. 

 

Removing the sex-undertone from everyday things, like a goodbye-kiss, 'uh, what is that you are cooking-handtouch on back as leaning in over pot/her", 'i am tired, lets go to bed', ...it helps. As it removes the foreplay and thereby her stress about whether this could turn out to evolve into sex. (Which she needs time to absorbe/ease into/relax about)

 

if she knows and I know, when and how, then a lot of stress is taken out of the relationshippy equation and we both can enjoy each other more.

[Cat Lady Lisa]

6 minutes ago, MrDane said:

"Giving a relaxing massage with a 'happy ending'!" Out of love of course! Sounds like a good idea. 

Putting the focus on "will you aid me with this" instead of "let us have sex!" 

 

Scedules and agreements does not sound sexy, but I find them de-stressing. 

 

Removing the sex-undertone from everyday things, like a goodbye-kiss, 'uh, what is that you are cooking-handtouch on back as leaning in over pot/her", 'i am tired, lets go to bed', ...it helps. As it removes the foreplay and thereby her stress about whether this could turn out to evolve into sex. (Which she needs time to absorbe/ease into/relax about)

 

if she knows and I know, when and how, then a lot of stress is taken out of the relationshippy equation and we both can enjoy each other more.

You describe it perfectly, I can't handle spontaneous sex but if my husband comes home from work and says 'I'm aching, could you rub my back tonight?' then I can get into the right frame of mind and enjoy it. Not having to worry about whether kissing or cuddling will make him expect more is very freeing and I can be completely relaxed around him. It has taken years to work out a compromise that satisfies both of us but things are good now! I'm glad you seem to be happy too Mr Dane

[FrustratedWife]

I'm afraid suggesting sex a day ahead or so, doesn't help. I've tried that. It still ends up with me feeling like I'm trying to push him into something he doesn't want to do, and him not committing to it. 

 

By now, we are at the point where we hold hands when we go for a walk, and now and then peck lips like you'd kiss your mom goodnight as a child. We have absolutely no intimacy or physical contact besides this. No sexual tension between us, as I've simply given up. 

[roland.o]

40 minutes ago, FrustratedWife said:

something he doesn't want to do, and him not committing to it.

Sexual attraction is only one reason for engaging in sexual activities. Maybe your couples therapy will show him some others. I wish you good luck!

[Philip027]

If all you see is only a "friendship" simply because there's no sex, then I really have to wonder what it is exactly that's tying you down.

[FrustratedWife]

10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

If all you see is only a "friendship" simply because there's no sex, then I really have to wonder what it is exactly that's tying you down.

My apologies, I thought I was clear enough, that I do not only miss having sex, but also intimacy, romance, passion and so on. It's not just about sex, but about lacking a lot of what for me seperates our relationship from a friendship/roomie situation. 

 

My relationship is very platonic and practical, our conversations are more about "what's for dinner today?" than anything intimate. My husband isn't the type to share deep emotional thoughts either. 

 

What's keeping me from leaving him, is that I care about him a great deal, and I love him. I know I'll hurt him a lot if I leave him, and I don't ever wish to hurt him. The thought of leaving him hurts me a lot too, since as said, I love him. 

 

Yet at the same time, I miss being physically close to another person, not only in terms of sex, but in all the ways that "normal" couples are. (Yes, I know there's not such a thing as a normal couple, hence the " " )

 

I hope this explained it a bit further. I'm not really used to explain these things. 

[nanogretchen4]

Thirteen years is a long time. No one can claim that you haven't made a sincere effort to make the marriage work. The fact is, your husband has an incompatible sexual orientation, and that won't change. By all means go to couples counseling so you can say you've tried everything, but it won't change his orientation. The situation is not much different than if you were realizing thirteen years into your marriage that your husband was gay and always had been. All he is capable of being to you is a good friend. Since he is not interested in an open marriage, I think your goal should be an amicable divorce. You need to find a heterosexual man to date. He would be well advised to go through the coming out process already after thirteen years and look for other asexuals to date. He doesn't have to, of course. He can remain single if that is his preference, though his fear of losing you suggests that it's not. Or he can just mope, or he can keep dating sexual women in hopes of getting into yet more incompatible relationships. But if I were his close friend what I would advise him to do is to come out and date within his orientation, and I would offer him both emotional support and practical help with that process.

[FrustratedWife]

5 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

But if I were his close friend what I would advise him to do is to come out and date within his orientation, and I would offer him both emotional support and practical help with that process.

If we end up getting a divorce in the end, I'll keep your words in mind, and support him in this. No matter how it ends, I'll continue being his friend and support, also after a divorce. 

[jpdefo]

You know, I understand you.

I'm actually in a relationship with an assexual.

This is pretty hard for me, because i need sex, but she doesn't enjoy it.

We have some agreements about it, I usually put all the efort in sex, but I like her so much that i really enjoy it at all.

It doesn't happen that often, we usually do it like, once a week or two. Maybe more if I'm depressed, or less if i think she needs just the romantic part of me(Well, I'm very romantic, I'm romantic at all the time, really).

The thing is, when you have a relationship with an assexual, you can't supress her sexuality, but she can't supress your sexuality too. That's why these agreements are so importants. We are so close to each other and we trust each other so much that we can't imagine a life where we would make each other unhappy.

We can get in touch in other social medias if you want(Skype would be better), As I am from the other side of the globe, it wouldn't be a problem, it would be fast, and sometimes I need someone to talk too

[FrustratedWife]

35 minutes ago, jpdefo said:

 As I am from the other side of the globe, it wouldn't be a problem, it would be fast, and sometimes I need someone to talk too

I may be missunderstanding you entirely here... but as written above, my husband is refusing an open relationship, which includes online things. 

 

 

[jpdefo]

You completely missunderstood, I don't want a relationship, I'm already in one and I would never have another one, just like you.

I want to talk about these relationships, because I have the same problem, and I think it would help us to talk with someone that is living the same stuff, especially because you are a lot older than me, and have a lot more experience.

It's probably because in my country, we are so open to talk about these stuff that I didn't realized that you could see it in other way

[JDP]

7 hours ago, FrustratedWife said:

So, I'm married to my best friend. A person I love like a brother. We've been together for 13 years, sex happens less than once a year. He's asexual, I'm not. The first year or so, we had sex, then it just turned colder and colder. He admitted that he never really had a need for such. 

 

I miss being intimate. I miss being wanted, desired, craved. I long for someone to want me, to get turned on by me. Cuddling for me is almost painful, as I end up wanting more. 

 

I'm tired of being refused sex, that my own sexuality is being suppressed because of him.  In the first years, I tried to persuade him, I made some serious efforts to turn him on. Nothing worked, ofcourse, and I ended up feeling rejected and unattractive. For a long while, I thought it was me. Now a days I don't even bother trying anymore. My relationship has turned into a friendship, I've got a roomie for life. 

 

I was the one who realised first, he was asexual. He didn't know the term before I introduced it.

 

I've suggested an open relationship in terms of sex. He refuses. He's afraid to lose me, he says. Ironically he might end up losing me, due to refusing it. 

 

I don't know where to go anymore. I want a romantic, passionate relationship. 

 

How do you other people make this work in the long run?

You sound like my wife, if she were to come here and talk about our marriage.

 

I completely understand this is not what you bargained for, when you married.

 

You can go ahead and cheat, but it won't last long and you'll regret it. Getting more sex from your husband isn't the answer, because you already know it's not important to him.

 

We can talk about this in private if you like.

 

Anyway, 13 years is a long time to be together, and ending such a long marriage isn't easy. You're going to go through some pain no matter what you do.

[Valentine18]

You originally asked how other couples make this work and I hate to say that I'm in the same boat with you and I'm about to give up.  We've been married 16 years, and in every other way we have a good marriage.  Your post sounds exactly like my story.  The first couple of years he acted like he was interested because he knew he was supposed to be, he wants to be what he feels is "normal".  Later I thought he just didn't want me (compared to not wanting anybody) and his constant rejection and lack of interest gave my self esteem and confidence a huge hit.  I've found this web-site recently and now I think he's asexual.  This helped me understand why he says the more I try and the more I pressure him, the less he wants it.  The problem is, he won't admit it, he won't talk to anyone about it, he won't even go to the Dr. and get his testosterone checked, just in case.  Some of you will wonder why I stay with him but I do love him, we're really good together in every other way.  We have a business together which is our entire income and we rarely fight about anything but sex. 

Now I've met a man and he's in a similar situation. He loves his wife, he wants to stay married to her, but she has no interest in sex.  At first we were trying to help each other get their spouse's interest and now we've kind of given up.  He made the argument that if we get together every now and then, it might allow us to stay in our marriages by taking that pressure off.  At this point, I feel like it's cheat on my husband or divorce him; I can't live this way because I'm miserable.  I'd love to talk to Frustratedwife about this.

[nanogretchen4]

Valentine, have you asked your husband for permission to have occasional outside sex? If not, I see no reason to consider cheating if you haven't eliminated the possibility of ethical nonmonogamy. Sure, your husband might get upset by the request, but at this point I say toughies for him. Right now the status quo meets your husband's needs just fine and leaves you very frustrated. He sure isn't going to be the one to rock the boat. It's very much in his self interest to avoid talking about the issue, avoid marriage counseling, and just passively drag things out. It's worked just great for him for sixteen years. I think it's high time to advocate for yourself in your marriage. If there is something so wrong with the balance of power or the communication in your marriage that you can't tell your husband that you are no longer willing to do without sex, the marriage has big issues anyway.

[JDP]

I'm guessing her husband wouldn't be upset by the request, which is a good reason not to ask in the first place.

 

I know that's why my wife doesn't ask me.

[Valentine18]

I asked him if I could have another man on my birthday one year and he got very upset.  I haven't brought that up again, I don't think he'd be able to handle the thought of me with someone else.  Nanogretchen,  you made excellent points.  I've never really considered that he's getting everything he wants and I'm getting next to nothing!  I do tell him I'm not willing to do without, and he apologizes and makes excuses about how busy he's been and how hard he's been working.  Then we'll have sex once or twice that week and it's back to 6 more months without, until I can't stand it and we argue about it again.   It's just a horrible cycle, that's why I think if I went outside the marriage for sex and we didn't have our usual arguments about it then we'd just never do it again but we'd both be happier.  I don't know if I want people to tell me this is okay or talk me out of it!

[JDP]

You sound like a very nice woman, Valentine18. I've lost a lot of sleep myself over the same issue. My wife is in the same boat.

 

I have no interest in talking you out of doing it. Go ahead, for no better reason than to discharge all that anger you've been carrying.

 

The problem is you don't want to be desired by just any man, but by your husband.

 

Ten bucks says you change your mind at the last minute.

[Valentine18]

Asexjoe,- you are definitely right about wanting to be desired by my husband but I realized a long time ago that isn't going to happen and I've come to terms with it.  That would be my ideal world but I wouldn't be on here if it was my reality.  That being said, I would never take your bet because you could very well be right.