Imposter Asexual ?

[Altariah]

Hi ! I'm Altariah and I'm new here. Nice to meet you !

It took me a long time to find that I was asexual - and still, sometimes I have some doubts about it, even though I haven’t found any other term to describe me best. Since I’m really unexperienced for my age, I wonder if it is relevent for me to qualify as asexual.

So yeah, there are still a lot of things that I don’t understand… Could you teach me ?

 

- How do you call someone that likes the idea of sex and relationships, but cringes at the same idea when they get involved in it ? Like, I love it when characters in books/video games/ you name it, or even other people, friends… get into relationships, and I like the whole « getting together » process. Also I’m a hopeless fujoshi ~
But yeah, this is what I like best in stories: love and sex are so simple, yet complex and fascinating things.  But me ? In a relationship ? *cringes*

- How is « Asexual, homoromantic » or « Asexual, heteroromantic » a thing ? If we are not attracted to gender, why would it be the case emotionally ? I think I might be aromantic, or at least demiromantic but in the hetero-way, no matter how illogical it may seem. What would romance have to do with gender, it surpasses me .-.

- I claim to be asexual - I’d say I’m proud of it but I don’t actually find any pride in just being who I am, it’s not like I’ve accomplished anything to be proud of. But I have to admit I find masturbation pleasing at the time, even though I’m not triggered by anyone or anything, nor do I think about anyone or anything during the process. It is purely for the sensation, and for this endorphin release. But since it is a form of sex, do I still fit to the asexual description ? Does asexual mean « not wanting sex » or « not feeling any kind of attraction » ? Sometimes I feel like a fake asexual or something XD

- Offensive bonus question: this might be off-subject and probably more psychology-oriented than sexuality-oriented. Also I might look like an ugly enormous bitch for having an idea like this one, but I wonder if this is linked to my (maybe) asexuality. So I’ll hide it. If you want to read it, please help yourself ^^ Also I’ve never seen this feeling anywhere else, so if someone here feels the same, I would find this very reassuring.

 

Spoiler

Is it common among asexuals to want to start a family anyways ? This is absolutely not my case, though. More like, I don’t know why - and it’s not against you, so please don’t be offended - but I find parenthood and domestic life cringy as hell. I’ve always been like this, for what I can remember. Maybe this is linked to my asexuality, I don't know, so I'll try to explain it here.

While I like passion growing between people, eventually it will reach a peak and slowly decrease… Which make me so bored and sad. Ever since I was young, I got disappointed in characters or people when they setteled down and had children. To my eyes, they go from characters I love to simple NPCs. And I get no passion from NPCs. This is why I’m always scared to reach the end of a book or movie with character progression, because I’m afraid to dislike them afterwards. It has happened to me a lot: I read the story, the characters progresses, experiences new feelings, passion, this is very exciting… And they end up happily married and with children and *HARD CRIIIIIINGE* and it will never get any more interesting and they become boring NPCs and I can’t like the story anymore. That’s just the way it is.

 

But don’t imagine I’m totally cold hearted or that I hate anyone who has children. No, this is just my feeling about it. I’m able to be really happy for my family and friends. But parenthood does make people change, and even though I hate myself for feeling like this, my vision on them change when they start to have children. When my friends will start to have families too, I wonder what will happen… Sincerely this is one of my biggest fears.

 

Imagining myself starting a family repulses me just the same. I don’t want to be a NPC. (Well, there are sooo many more real reasons - like I don’t even like children, I don’t want to bring supplementary humans into this world, I want to be able to be free to give up everything and go if I feel like it, this is a responsability I’m not interested into taking… The list could go on forever.)
So when I say « I don’t want a family, I’ll never have children » and when people tell me « Oh but you’ll change with time… » or « I was the same at your age » I’m soooooo upset. You all tell me to get more confidence in myself. Then, when I state my desire to not start a family, you dare say this to my face, like you now best what I want and what will happen to me ? Hell no !
Yet I never had the courage to debate with them - I’d really like to know why the majority of people thinks like that. What is their motivation ? Why is it like they want me to change ?
Oh well, this is another story and I’d be glad to discuss if someone is interested - and if you don’t mind my approximative English.

 

So the bonus question was: is there a word or something to describe someone who is repulsed by having a family ? Someone who doesn’t want to experience parenthood ? Is it also a part of asexuality ?

But there… I’ve said it ! My unpopular opinion. Whew, i feel good to finally tell it - but also a bit scared now that it is on the internet.
Does someone relate ? I feel like the bad one in that story ‘-‘

So I think that will be all for today ^^ I hope it didn’t offend you or make you somewhat uneasy ! Also sorry for my bad English ^^
Thanks a lot for reading

 

 

[BionicPi]

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

Hi ! I'm Altariah and I'm new here. Nice to meet you !

Hi, Welcome to AVEN!  

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

It took me a long time to find that I was asexual - and still, sometimes I have some doubts about it, even though I haven’t found any other term to describe me best. Since I’m really unexperienced for my age, I wonder if it is relevent for me to qualify as asexual.

I'm younger than you, have no sexual experience, and can still ID as ace. It's more a matter of attraction

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

So yeah, there are still a lot of things that I don’t understand… Could you teach me ?

I can try.

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

- How do you call someone that likes the idea of sex and relationships, but cringes at the same idea when they get involved in it ? Like, I love it when characters in books/video games/ you name it, or even other people, friends… get into relationships, and I like the whole « getting together » process. Also I’m a hopeless fujoshi ~
But yeah, this is what I like best in stories: love and sex are so simple, yet complex and fascinating things.  But me ? In a relationship ? *cringes*

 

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

- How is « Asexual, homoromantic » or « Asexual, heteroromantic » a thing ? If we are not attracted to gender, why would it be the case emotionally ? I think I might be aromantic, or at least demiromantic but in the hetero-way, no matter how illogical it may seem. What would romance have to do with gender, it surpasses me .-.

Attraction is split, so you might not be sexually attracted to a gender, but you could be romantically attracted.

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

- I claim to be asexual - I’d say I’m proud of it but I don’t actually find any pride in just being who I am, it’s not like I’ve accomplished anything to be proud of. But I have to admit I find masturbation pleasing at the time, even though I’m not triggered by anyone or anything, nor do I think about anyone or anything during the process. It is purely for the sensation, and for this endorphin release. But since it is a form of sex, do I still fit to the asexual description ? Does asexual mean « not wanting sex » or « not feeling any kind of attraction » ? Sometimes I feel like a fake asexual or something XD

Asexual is generally regarded as not experiencing sexual attraction. Masturbation and sex drive are entirely separate and many asexuals do masturbate.

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

- Offensive bonus question: this might be off-subject and probably more psychology-oriented than sexuality-oriented. Also I might look like an ugly enormous bitch for having an idea like this one, but I wonder if this is linked to my (maybe) asexuality. So I’ll hide it. If you want to read it, please help yourself ^^ Also I’ve never seen this feeling anywhere else, so if someone here feels the same, I would find this very reassuring.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Is it common among asexuals to want to start a family anyways ? This is absolutely not my case, though. More like, I don’t know why - and it’s not against you, so please don’t be offended - but I find parenthood and domestic life cringy as hell. I’ve always been like this, for what I can remember. Maybe this is linked to my asexuality, I don't know, so I'll try to explain it here.

While I like passion growing between people, eventually it will reach a peak and slowly decrease… Which make me so bored and sad. Ever since I was young, I got disappointed in characters or people when they setteled down and had children. To my eyes, they go from characters I love to simple NPCs. And I get no passion from NPCs. This is why I’m always scared to reach the end of a book or movie with character progression, because I’m afraid to dislike them afterwards. It has happened to me a lot: I read the story, the characters progresses, experiences new feelings, passion, this is very exciting… And they end up happily married and with children and *HARD CRIIIIIINGE* and it will never get any more interesting and they become boring NPCs and I can’t like the story anymore. That’s just the way it is.

 

But don’t imagine I’m totally cold hearted or that I hate anyone who has children. No, this is just my feeling about it. I’m able to be really happy for my family and friends. But parenthood does make people change, and even though I hate myself for feeling like this, my vision on them change when they start to have children. When my friends will start to have families too, I wonder what will happen… Sincerely this is one of my biggest fears.

 

Imagining myself starting a family repulses me just the same. I don’t want to be a NPC. (Well, there are sooo many more real reasons - like I don’t even like children, I don’t want to bring supplementary humans into this world, I want to be able to be free to give up everything and go if I feel like it, this is a responsability I’m not interested into taking… The list could go on forever.)
So when I say « I don’t want a family, I’ll never have children » and when people tell me « Oh but you’ll change with time… » or « I was the same at your age » I’m soooooo upset. You all tell me to get more confidence in myself. Then, when I state my desire to not start a family, you dare say this to my face, like you now best what I want and what will happen to me ? Hell no !
Yet I never had the courage to debate with them - I’d really like to know why the majority of people thinks like that. What is their motivation ? Why is it like they want me to change ?
Oh well, this is another story and I’d be glad to discuss if someone is interested - and if you don’t mind my approximative English.

 

So the bonus question was: is there a word or something to describe someone who is repulsed by having a family ? Someone who doesn’t want to experience parenthood ? Is it also a part of asexuality ?

But there… I’ve said it ! My unpopular opinion. Whew, i feel good to finally tell it - but also a bit scared now that it is on the internet.
Does someone relate ? I feel like the bad one in that story ‘-‘

I think this is rather individual. I personally want kids because... I dunno.... Teaching, I like kids, or maybe I just do, but I don't necessarily want a traditional family life.

8 minutes ago, Altariah said:

So I think that will be all for today ^^ I hope it didn’t offend you or make you somewhat uneasy ! Also sorry for my bad English ^^
Thanks a lot for reading

Anytime.

[ChillaKilla]

Welcome!  Hope you enjoy your stay on AVEN

I'll try my hand at answering some of your questions.

 

1. I don't think there's a special term for it. It's pretty common among asexuals/aromantics. I love reading and writing fluffy fanfictions, but it's almost physically repulsive to imagine myself in one  

 

2.Sexual and romantic attraction are two different things. A romantic asexual may enjoy kissing, going on dates, and spending time with somebody, but have no interest in having sex. Likewise, a sexual aromantic may be attracted to someone's body but has no desire to form a committed romantic relationship with them. If you want me to clarify with more detail I'd be glad to  You might be aromantic too by the sound of it, but that's just my take and it's up to you to make that final call.

 

3.Plenty of asexuals masturbate. Think about it this way- generally by society's definition, you lose your virginity when you have sex. People who masturbate are still virgins, no? Likewise, pleasuring yourself doesn't mean you've had or want sex. 

 

4. I hate kids too  Nothing personal, just how it is.

 

Again, hope you find you are welcome here

[vega57]

40 minutes ago, Altariah said:

- How do you call someone that likes the idea of sex and relationships, but cringes at the same idea when they get involved in it ? Like, I love it when characters in books/video games/ you name it, or even other people, friends… get into relationships, and I like the whole « getting together » process. Also I’m a hopeless fujoshi ~
But yeah, this is what I like best in stories: love and sex are so simple, yet complex and fascinating things.  But me ? In a relationship ? *cringes

 

Reality and fantasy are two different things.  A common sexual fantasy for women is the 'rape' fantasy.  But in real life, they wouldn't want to be raped. 

The difference between fantasy and reality is that *you* get to be in control in the fantasy.  Not so much in reality.   
 

Quote

- I claim to be asexual - I’d say I’m proud of it but I don’t actually find any pride in just being who I am, it’s not like I’ve accomplished anything to be proud of. But I have to admit I find masturbation pleasing at the time, even though I’m not triggered by anyone or anything, nor do I think about anyone or anything during the process. It is purely for the sensation, and for this endorphin release. But since it is a form of sex, do I still fit to the asexual description ?

 For the majority of the general public, "having sex",  means having sex with someone; not masturbating.  So, let's not call masturbation a "form" of "sex", just to keep things simple.

 

Also, plenty of people don't think of anyone while masturbating, even if they're in a relationship with someone they love. 

Quote

Does asexual mean « not wanting sex » or « not feeling any kind of attraction » ?

Could mean both or...either. 

You could masturbate and be asexual.

You could NOT masturbate and be asexual.

You could NOT want sex, but find others 'sexually attractive', and be asexual.

You could HAVE sex (sometimes), yet not feel any sexual attraction toward others.

 

Confused yet? 

Quote

But there… I’ve said it ! My unpopular opinion. Whew, i feel good to finally tell it - but also a bit scared now that it is on the internet.
Does someone relate ? I feel like the bad one in that story ‘-‘

Even though I don't "relate" (I've had 4 children), I certainly DO understand how you --and anyone else--can feel the way you do.  Not everyone is cut out to have kids, be a parent, change diapers and wipe runny noses, lol!  But here's the thing:  There's nothing wrong with that!  Oh, I suppose a 'few' people in your life wouldn't agree, but even if they don't, so WHAT?!  It's not really anyone's business, anyway.  So, their opinion is irrelevant. 

 

Something that has annoyed me is, why so many people believe, that  just because you are a woman with a uterus, you MUST (want to) have children.  And if you don't, there must be something 'wrong' with you.  After all, if a man has a penis, shouldn't he MUST (want to) produce children, too? 

[roland.o]

1 hour ago, Altariah said:

How do you call someone that likes the idea of sex and relationships, but cringes at the same idea when they get involved in it ?

Have you looked into "autochorissexual" or "a(n)egosexual"? I'm not sure about the correct spelling of the latter.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123256-asexuality-sexual-orientation-lexicon-read-me/?do=findComment&comment=1061345333

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/158615-questions-about-autochrissexuality/#comment-1062355478

 

And you're not an imposter, as others have already pointed out.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Asexuality#Arousal

[Tofruity]

There are many different asexual experiences. You definitely seem to fit under the umbrella if you choose to identify. I'm getting an aromantic vibe from what you shared. Also that you may not want to lose your individual identity and livelihood once a relationship merges your identity with another person and presses it into a cookie cutter of societal expectations. Or maybe thats my projection 😝

[SallyBlackwater]

You might be autochorissexual =) at least, that's what I identify as, and I feel the same as you when it comes to relationships and, particularly, sex (I fantasize about characters having sex but even trying to imagine myself in that situation completely takes me out of it). I don't know if not wanting to experience parenthood is linked to asexuality; many people express a desire for parenthood regardless of the fact that they have a partner or not, while others suddenly want a child because they found "The One"... so maybe not being interested in finding a partner who would be worth starting a family with makes it more unlikely for ace/aros to want kids....

[Altariah]

Thanks a lot for your answers, it's been very instructive and reassuring

 

Autochorissexual ? How have I not heard of this before ! This seems to fit me very well, I feel a bit les alone now. I'm definetely gonna check it out !

 

On 27/07/2017 at 10:04 AM, Tofruity said:

Also that you may not want to lose your individual identity and livelihood once a relationship merges your identity with another person [...]

OMG DAMN YES. I couldn't have said it better ! That is 100% true, one of the things that I don't really like about imagining myself in a relationship, is becoming a part of a couple and not me in my entirety.
(Well I am aware that it is not systematically the case when you get into a relationship but I feel like it anyways, at least regarding to me)

I'm so, sooooo relieved now that I found a safe place where I can relate to so many people ! Thanks a lot