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Help me Help us?


RyanR

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Hello everyone, 

 

So, I've never done anything like this & I am not sure whether this is even going to help but, it's worth a try! 

 

So myself & my beautiful wife are total opposites. I love her for it but, I truly don't believe there are two people more opposite and on paper less suited than we are. That's not me being dramatic she would agree! All that aside, she is my soulmate in every single sense of the word. She is my home, my safe place, my best friend, my confidant, my North Star, she is the air I breath & everything right in my world. She runs through my veins & I love her more than I ever thought it was possible for someone to love another. 

 

We havent had the easiest of relationships by any stretch of the imagination. We have been through more than most people could ever imagine. Somehow we have survived it. Albeit a little bruised & hurt we are here & we have survived! 

 

I do not deserve her even on my best day. She is just, ugh there are no words. However recently she has discovered her sexuality as being homoromantic! This, I'll admit came as a huge surprise as due to my own lifestyle & past I happen to be an incredibly highly sexed individual. I have by no means ever been promiscuous & would never dream of cheating or leaving but, I have found this hard to her my head around! 

 

I have days where I feel I can do this & I understand how she feels & then I have days where I feel like I have no idea how anyone could love someone & not want to be intimate with them. Due to my past I understand I have my own issues which I  doing my best to resolve & have tried many different routes thus far & I'll continue until for the rest of our life together. 

 

My past leads me to believe that sex & love are the same. I have only ever been shown love through sex rightly

or wrongly & so I find it very hard to

process at times that you can love someone & just not want them sexually. 

 

We have tried a couole couple of things and have agreed recently to a situation in which I believe we could have success with. However, I love my wife & our life including all the ups &'downs. 

 

I find her the most sexy, beautiful, funny, kind, caring, smart, whimsical woman I have ever known or will ever know & to have her love me blows my mind. I am the luckiest woman alive & I am so so proud of her & how she has now found who she is but, I can't help but feel sad that I'll most probably never get her in a way I've only ever dreamt of & if we ever were sexually intimate like that I know she would most likely never truly want it. 

 

I kist want her to be happy and give her the world and our new path seems to be bringing us both a sense of pleasure and closeness but I can't help but want more at times. I also worry if we ever were sexually intimate whether it's border line rape if I know deep down she wouldn't actually be wanting it but would most probably be doing it for me. That doesn't sit well with me. 

 

I have never been so happy and felt so loved but, I just feel like a bad person for at times wanting more. For those moments I wish I could love her in ways I've always wanted to. I don't want to be a bad or nasty wife I just want to be good and make her happy. 

 

Any advice would be appreciated. xx

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Hello everyone, 

 

I wrote a message earlier which saw no response so thought I would try again! 

 

My wife is a homoromantic, who just recently discovered this & I am so so proud of her but, so confused! 

 

Due to my past I am highly sexed & I associate sex & love with one another so to know my partner doesn't see me that way hurts me. It makes me feel as though I've failed even though I know that's not the case and it is simply how she is wired. 

 

I cant help but feel it makes me a bad wife that there are times I wish I could love her in the way I've always dreamt of. I just want her to be happy as she's the most incredible woman I've ever met & I am hopelessly in love with her! 

 

Any advice would be appreciated. xx

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I guess with "homoromantic" you imply "homoromantic and asexual"? I can only offer my sympathy. You seem to be facing the problem that is frequently discussed in the SPF&A forum, a partnership between a sexual and an asexual. There are some success stories, but as far as I've read, it's been a rough journey for every couple. http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

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Hello, 

 

I wonder if you could help me? My wife has recently come out as homoromantic and as proud as I am of her realising this. I am struggling with it! 

 

Due to my past sat I have a very high sex drive and believe sex/love to be equally matched and that sex is how I've been shown love so it's wired in me that way. 

 

We have recently come to an agreement and I believe it keeps us both happy and content but I are for more at times. This causes me to feel bad & as though I'm letting my wife down. 

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Thank you, and yes that is what I meant she is a homoromantic a sexual! All these new words and terminologies confuse me so forgive my incorrect wording! X 

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I think it was one of the Ents in the Lord of the Rings that said "let's not be hasty".

While you're waiting... have some cake :cake: :-)

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Cake

 

Meanwhile, I replied to your original post, although I have no advice to offer. We're all just humans here, and not everybody is in a position to give you advice. Be patient, and I'm sure some members will show up and share their experiences. I wish you all the best!

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Don't worry. It wasn't incorrect, just a bit unclear ^_^

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Merged the two threads, so everything can be in one place. 

 

Also, moving to Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies from Asexual Relationships. 

 

Serran 

Asexual Relationships Moderator

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Now my moderating stuff is out of the way....

 

Welcome to AVEN. 

 

First of all, no it's not rape if you two have sex, even if she doesn't want it for herself. As long as you have discussed it and she is OK with it and at any point you let her know that she can say stop and it stops, or let you know she wants it to stop and that's it. Asexuals can consent to sex, some can even enjoy it. Not really wanting it for yourself doesn't mean lack of consent. 

 

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with wanting more. No one is ever 100% satisfied with their partner. Even if it is something small, like "I wish they'd take the trash out more often", there is usually something "more" wanted. It's just, what is a big deal and what isn't. And sex can be a very big deal. You feel loved when you have it, so that's a very legitimate reason to desire it from her, since you love her. 

 

I'm not sure how to explain loving someone and not desiring them sexually. But, it certainly is something that exists. And, if she says she loves you completely, I'm sure she does. Some people just don't connect love and sex, for some people, it's actually the opposite - they'd be less OK having sex with someone they love, because it makes them less connected, rather than more. 

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merged sexual homoromantic into help me help us

 

Iff,

Moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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@RyanR you basically want her to want you, because as a common sexual, the sex is where you reach a nirvana-level of love and desire. As you describe her to be a perfect partner in all other important aspects, then my advice is to focus on that and see if she, out of love, will gladly help you with your 'itch'! 

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@Serran thank you for your comment it made sense in what you were saying and has put my mind st ease that little more. I just didn't want to be a bad person or wife because as I said I at times yearn for more! 

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