New and uncomfortable

[asmith11]

Hey all,

 

I've been reading so many of your stories and it all sounds so great.  I've been doubting my sexuality for a long time.  At first I always assumed that I was hetero because in my family that's what you are- no exceptions.  And I would find guys aesthetically pleasing, but had no idea what my friends were talking about when they said that they were "turned on" and have never felt that way about a male in my life.  So then I started making myself believe that that must mean that I like girls.  And then tried to force myself to look at girls like that and to feel something.  But that never happened either.  A large portion of my friends are so sexually active and its getting to the point where that's all they talk about, well that and how much porn they watch and how much they masturbate which I have never even felt the slight desire to do.  So I'm starting to feel like I don't fit into my friend group.

 

Then there's my family- the one where you are hetero no matter what.  My extended family keeps asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or making suggestive hints when my younger cousin gets a girlfriend and they are like "why can't you do that?  you're older".  On top of that, my mom who is my best friend keeps saying that she's praying that I'll meet a "nice boy soon" so that I can get married and just start producing children.  In her eyes, there is no alternative.

 

And then on top of that, I have always wanted to be married and have kids.  I may say that I've always wanted to get a job and be an independent woman, but really the number one job that I've wanted since I was eight was to be a mother.  But I just started figuring out that maybe I'm ace because I'm not attracted to any sex or person and the thought of having sex is honestly horrific.  I also hate kissing with a passion, but desperately wanted to be romanced like in all of the stupid romance novels that I read.  I'm so new to even the possibility that I might be ace and its terrifying because it doesn't fit into the life plan that I had at all.  

 

I don't know what to do and am starting to feel isolated from my friends and family.  It's just all so scary and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

[Jaluuu]

AAAAH I WANNA HELP YOU BUT IT'S SO FREAKING LATE.SO I'LL COMMENT THIS AS A REMINDER FOR LATER; SO I CAN ANSWER AND HELP YOU

[Ravenboots]

Hey there! 

 

First off, welcome!

 

Secondly, lifelong plans are more like guidelines. Its totally ok to cross stuff out and figure out a new plan. This goes for anything, be it relationships, work, whatever. You have the world ahead of you and you don't have to walk down one path just because somebody told you that its a great path to go down. Regardless, sometimes the scenic route is the way to go, that way you have time to figure out what you want. Maybe you might hop back onto that path...or you might find another. 

 

As for your family, its horrible to be put in this situation where you feel like you are "letting them down" because of the way you are. I guess if you don't feel comfortable in telling them...don't. I come from a similar background (though my parents thought i was gay because i wasn't bringing boys home lol!). Im sorry you have been put in that position, its shit and i totally empathise with you. I am 27 and still deal with them harassing me about boyfriends/girlfriends on a weekly basis. 

 

Finally, you should never feel as if you have to have anything...and if you do want something...there are ways to get that. It comes from a place of finding a partner who wants/accepts you for your needs. There are also ways of having children without the need for sex. IVF, adoption, surrogacy or fostering are ways of having kids/experiencing motherhood. Regardless, there is always a way to live out a goal in life. It might be a case of that dreams minor details changing but its still a possibility if you want it hard enough. Regardless, its about what will give you happiness, not about what your parents happiness consists of. 

 

 

 

 

 

[iff]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN!  
 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

[asmith11]

@puddlewarts Thank you so much for your words.  They didn't make everything better, but they were exactly what I needed in this moment.  I don't know what I'm going to do still, but it helps to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm going through and can empathize.  Thank you.