EllieCeeJay

Are you out? Do you want to come out?

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EllieCeeJay   
EllieCeeJay

I've been reading through some of the topics on this forum and I feel like I'm in a minority in that I'm a fully 'out' asexual person - are any other people out, or plan to come out? Who to? And how?

 

Some context: I came out on Christmas Day 2015, through an Instagram post, to most of my friends. I then gradually started telling people until my entire school year knew, and most of the other years as well (it was a small school). I moved to a new school for my A-Levels last year, which is when I decided to be fully 'out' with my sexuality. I'm in the college's LGBT+ society, I spoke on a panel back in April about being asexual, all of my close family and everyone I know are all fully aware of my sexuality. I am, of course, still coming out as it goes on, and I doubt I'll ever stop having to do that. 

 

I'm interested in all of your views on this, I definitely think I'm a minority within a minority, but I have had an easier ride with most people in regards to acceptance, although I have had to cut some people out of my life for being less than supportive. Overall, though, I'm really happy with my decision to be 'out and proud'.

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Polereon   
Polereon

I only come out to people who know of asexuality, because honestly I don't feel like explaining and answering all of their questions (yet).

And besides, it's not really anyone's business if I have sex or not. That's also why I didn't tell my parents or siblings, it's just not very important.

However, I like making ace puns and just being out completely around my lgbt+ friends, so maybe I'll come out to everyone else when I'm ready.  :cake:

 

I fear for the day I start dating, because then I have to come out and tell them I'd rather not have sex.

 

But I really like that you're being so 'out', I hope one day I'll be like that too, haha!

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QueenOfCake   
QueenOfCake

I'm not out to anyone yet. I want to wait a few more years, people will probably say im too young to know if I told them. I wish I was confident enough to tell people like you. I have tried to tell one person but they just said "So you don't want kids then." and I didn't want to spend ages explaining to them. :lol:

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pRAk   
pRAk

I'm only out to my sister yet.

I only found out about asexuality the beginning of this year/end of last year. And I've spent this whole time thinking about it. I mean, I knew it sounded like me, but I tend to overthink, and I was kinda thinking it through it when I felt like it without pressure. So it took this whole time for me to be able to comfortably say I'm somewhere in the asexual spectrum.

 

Last week I decided to come out to my sister. We have a good relationship, she's a nurse, educated and open-minded. I thought it would be good to start by telling her. That it would also help me be more open to other people. That even if she was shocked she would be able to accept me for me. It turned out to be a not so nice experience.

She used some of the commonplaces all aces hear at one point or another. She went on tirade about her personal experience, how she started having sex 'late' and a lot of stuff but that didn't mean SHE was asexual. And, obviously, how the fact that I haven't had sex yet doesn't necessarily make asexual either. She ent on about the way our mother raised us, making it seem like all men are dangerous violent and rapists. As if I'm not old enough to know better than my overprotective/paranoid mother's ramblings, or that I can't distiguinsh between feeling unsafe/paranoid around men (which I don't, but I did for some time in my childhood) and just not feeling any sexual attraction towards any person regardless of gender. She kept on talking and wouldn't listen to anything I said. It even ended up with her sayind "You should go talk about it with a psychologist"

We went back to 'normal' the next day but neither of us mentioned it again.

 

Honestly, not a good experience. Kinda makes me more conscious about when I'll tell others. I will, I don't want to hide it, I like that I finally can identify myself.

I hope other people had/will have better experiences coming out, specially for the first time

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EllieCeeJay   
EllieCeeJay
37 minutes ago, Polereon said:

I only come out to people who know of asexuality, because honestly I don't feel like explaining and answering all of their questions (yet).

And besides, it's not really anyone's business if I have sex or not. That's also why I didn't tell my parents or siblings, it's just not very important.

However, I like making ace puns and just being out completely around my lgbt+ friends, so maybe I'll come out to everyone else when I'm ready.  :cake:

 

I fear for the day I start dating, because then I have to come out and tell them I'd rather not have sex.

 

But I really like that you're being so 'out', I hope one day I'll be like that too, haha!

That makes sense - I hope it goes well for you if you do you decide to come out!

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EllieCeeJay   
EllieCeeJay
35 minutes ago, QueenOfCake said:

I'm not out to anyone yet. I want to wait a few more years, people will probably say im too young to know if I told them. I wish I was confident enough to tell people like you. I have tried to tell one person but they just said "So you don't want kids then." and I didn't want to spend ages explaining to them. :lol:

I'm not that confident, I'm trying to improve my confidence through appearing confident, at least in this regard.

 

That totally makes sense, though, I understand your reasoning. I've been hit with the 'too young' label a few times myself ^_^ I hope it goes well for you if or when you decide to come out, though! 

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Deus Ex Infinity   
Deus Ex Infinity

No. It's nothing to hide but shout out either. Guess I would answer a straight question if being asked but that's it.

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Steve M   
Steve M

I am fully-out, as I tend to open about everything.  My Facebook and Twitter profiles specifically say I am asexual and panromantic, and my previous profile picture on them had an Ace flag overlay.  Before identifying as a panromantic ace, I identified as gay, then straight, then gay, because I didn't understand myself.  I am still a virgin, despite having several partners, I've just never had any interest in sex.  I found out about asexuality 3 or 4 years ago, and it just clicked, and now I am more confident in myself.

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embracetheace   
embracetheace

It's really only been about 4 months since I came out to MYSELF, so I'm not exactly out to a lot of people yet, but I'm steadily growing my list of people that know about it. The first person I came out to was my best friend, who is also LGBT+. It went pretty well, I don't think they were very surprised, they thought it was great that I was exploring my identity. I came out to some other friends who aren't LGBT+, they were a lot less understanding but at least they weren't nasty about it. I still felt comfortable enough with their reactions to educate them a bit about it.

 

I also came out to my parents. That one didn't go as well. I got allllllllll the classic responses, the big one "maybe you haven't found the right person yet" along with a lot of concerned ones. I tried to be excited about coming out but they were making it difficult. Since I've been home for the summer I've tried to slide hints here and there, reminding them I'm ace. Like I wear an asexual pride bracelet I made 24/7, I also wear a black ring now, and make funny comments sometimes reminding them that I really have no interest in sex. Also ace puns for the win. I think that now at least they know how serious I am. Whether they're still hoping it's a phase or not, I don't know. I'm just going to stay persistent.

 

In general, non-ace people have been pretty ok with me being out. No really bad reactions, and no super excited and happy reactions. I've gotta say though, the best part about being out so far has been other ace people noticing my bracelet and feeling safe coming out to me. I was smiling for days because two of my friends came out to me as ace in just one week! And it was so great to talk to them about it. It really made me feel better about being out. I'm definitely going to join the ace club that my Uni has in their LGBT+ center next year to meet more ace people and help spread awareness. 

 

Edit: I also accidentally came out to basically 300 people on facebook when I updated my profile picture with an asexual pride banner for pride month haha. No one that didn't already know asked any questions about it though, so I don't know what they thought. I also included I'm a-spec in my twitter and tumblr profiles. 

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Mezzo Forte   
Mezzo Forte

I joke about Schrodinger's Closet a lot, because I'm simultaneously in and out of the closet. :P I don't go out of my way to discuss my asexuality, but I also don't go out of my way to hide it either. I'll often opt for explanation of my experiences over just stating the label if that saves me the asexuality 101 chat.

 

I had not choice but to be fairly openly trans because 1) the medical transition was getting obvious and 2) I needed to come out to socially transition. That kind of led to more people directly asking me about my orientation though, so more people are aware of my asexuality. Nobody ever seemed to assume I was all that sexual anyways.

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SecretCows   
SecretCows

When I first realized that I was ace, I came out to some of my close friends. As I became more comfortable with my sexuality, I decided that I wouldn't actively tell anyone (maybe besides an SO). My reasoning for this is that I would never tell anyone that I was heterosexual, so why would I tell anyone that I'm not? I'm still "out" and very open about my sexuality. I enjoy talking about it if it comes up in a conversation or someone asks. However, I don't "come out" to people. 

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raichuu   
raichuu

I'm out to my siblings, three close friends, and obviously, my boyfriend. 

 

I don't plan to ever come out to the rest of my family, or anyone else besides online. My family is very closed-minded, and I'd rather not cause them grief for something that - to me - is better left unsaid. I'd rather them see me as inexperienced or immature over anything else. I don't know if I'll be able to handle real crticisms of me being "broken" or be any "negative influence" on my siblings. [I'm the eldest after all.] 

 

It's kind of sad that I can't be 100% honest - but I'm fine like this! ;w; / 

The people I've confided in have been nothing but kind to me, and that gives me so much life! 

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Maks9090   
Maks9090

I'm never coming out to my family. I may come out to close friends. And I guess, hopefully, my future, yet inexistent, partner.

 

Do I want to be out? Yes. Once I get going in life. Until then I will be regarded as a feminist, metrosexual, unashamed person who does what they want. I find that'll be easier than people challenging me because of my (a)sexuality.

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Homer   
Homer

As out as can be. Starting with never being in any "closet" to begin with. I never used any of the AVEN terms though; I always did my thing and a relationship has never been something I was looking for. (I ended up in one anyway and surprise! it failed miserably)

 

Just saw no point in pretending anything; sex/romance just isn't important enough to me to make up stories about it. It appears that I'm a weird person, so it would be hard to find anyone who would be ready to put up with that (or make up someone who would put up with that). Besides that, I tend to ask these "Why is that? Where's the advantage?" kind of questions that probably give it away anyway :D

 

So basically everyone who knows me knows what is (not) going on here and anyone who asks will get an honest answer.

 

I never had to cut anyone out because of not being supportive and whatnot; there are people who have a hard time believing me but that's a totally legitimate way of thinking. All can do is telling someone; I'm not responsible for what they make of it.

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white crayon   
white crayon

I'm out to my mom and most of my friends, but I have never set out intending to come out to someone. If it came up, I would tell them, or if they were pushing me to be in a relationship. Other than that I really don't see the point of teaching a vocabulary lesson. 

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Lockylocks   
Lockylocks

Some people know, but I've never felt the need to tell anyone or meet anyone who needed to know. 
So no not really. 
I don't want to be out! *hides deeper in her cave and barricades the entrance*

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Island-Of-Dogs   
Island-Of-Dogs

I'm an odd case. 

 

I'm out in my online life- I always directly state that I'm Asexual on my profiles, have never had any kind of cruel remarks made about it and my closest online friend has been nothing but supportive despite being on the total opposite side of the sexual spectrum. 

 

Yet I'm very much in the closet in my offline life- I've attempted to come out twice to my mother, but she's thrown all of the typical responses back at me. I doubt my father would be anymore receptive, as he was raised in a very strict religious household and despite not being religious himself, he's made clear over the years that- that kind of upbringing still influences him to this day. 

 

My mother has also recently made remarks that she doesn't even believe that Asexuality is well... possible! My elder half brother is almost certainly Ace himself and she's made fun of him for it behind his back! 

 

My other two brothers are also fairly typical in they're thinking of such matters and both of my parents are estranged from their extended families. 

 

So needless to say, I have no incentive to come out in my personal life and therefore no intention of doing so.

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Sally   
Sally

I think most people older than high school age aren't really interested in other people's (non)sex lives.  

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Bernard XIV   
Bernard XIV

I'm out to my two closest friends, but everyone else still assumes I'm straight.

Whenever the subject of sexuality comes up (which seems to happen a lot) I'm tempted to tell people that I'm asexual, but I'm always too scared.

I'd love to not have to keep lying and pretending I was straight.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to come out to my family though.

After seeing how homophobic they are, It doesn't seem like a good idea.

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sweetbitter   
sweetbitter

I came out to my dad today. Firstly he was like 'Nah, probably you're straight', but then he said 'Congratulations, your life will be simple'. At least now he doesn't have to worry about me getting pregnant or having problems with boyfriends :D

I'm still considering coming out to my mom and two closest friends, but I don't feel any pressure, so I'll probably wait untill the topic comes up. 

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cheywix   
cheywix

EDIT BECAUSE IRRELEVANT INFO: I told one of my guy friends, he was accepting. Another friend of mine forgot I told them and I REtold them a few days ago. They were excited because they're ace as well. I told two other people, one was pretty nasty and the other told at least 15 other people. There's one guy taking jabs now, but he's known for being unfaithful, sexist, racist and overall stupid, so eh

Edited by cheywix

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TON   
TON

No, I am not out, but I might be soon, at least to one person.

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deltaX   
deltaX

For most people, I don't make a point to come out to people, but I also do my best not to hide it either.  

 

I told a few close friend when I first figured everything out, and got an overwhelming about of support.  I'm glad I came out to them when I did, instead of waiting around for the right oppurtunity because we're the type of friends who tell each other everything and it felt weird to be keeping it from them.  On the other hand, there are people in my life who I will probably never tell because I know they wont be accepting.  My sexuality isnt any of their business, and it's not worth the hassle of having to argue about it.  

 

But for everyone else, I dont have a big coming out moment, but I'm not afaird to mention it if it comes up in conversation.  Asexuality seems like such a small part of who I am that I don't want to make a big deal out of telling people and having a formal coming out, but I also don't feel like its a big secret that needs to be hidden either.  To me my asexuality is about as important as me being short- relevant to my life in some ways, but by far not the only thing about me.

 

If you want to come out to everyone though, I say go for it!  Everyone has different approaches to coming out (or not), and I think it's important to just do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. :cake:

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hippiecat   
hippiecat

I've told my friends but besides that, I don't see a point in coming out. If it comes up, I'll answer truthfully. If I suspect the other person doesn't know what aro-ace means, I just tell them I'm not into dating or relationships.

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Laplace   
Laplace

I wish I could just go ahead and tell everyone, but I really don't want to deal with people thinking I'm even weirder than I already am. People get on my case for the smallest idiosyncrasies already (oh you're so serious/sarcastic; why don't you like xyz social activity; etc.) so if I had to deal with anymore annoyances, I think, as calm as I normally am, I'd finally just blow my top in frustration. I'm fairly confident in my identity, and my past is consistent with my orientation; but there's always gonna be someone who decides to be a twit and act superior to me cause I'm this oddball dude that doesn't act like a typical guy.

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Anonymous Pillow   
Anonymous Pillow

Okay well I'm out to my mom, which is good because she's always there to support me and stuff. 

 

I dont really care to be out to a lot of people, however I've almost outed myself with ace/aro jokes before and if I ever did come out, it would just be for the jokes and being able to actually vent about lack of representation in media or something like that. Like I wanna come out, not to shove it down people's throats or anything but just to be able to casually mention it and stuff.

 

However I also don't think anyone else besides my mom would take it well, so guess we'll be staying in the closest(pantry more like) for awhile longer.

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Max-Mermaid   
Max-Mermaid

I like this thread.

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JDP   
JDP

Nope.  Not me. Never going to happen.

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Polereon   
Polereon
3 hours ago, Anonymous Pillow said:

I dont really care to be out to a lot of people, however I've almost outed myself with ace/aro jokes before and if I ever did come out, it would just be for the jokes and being able to actually vent about lack of representation in media or something like that. Like I wanna come out, not to shove it down people's throats or anything but just to be able to casually mention it and stuff.

This! I hate it when I come up with a great ace pun, but can't use it because I'm around people I'm not out to. 

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NerotheReaper   
NerotheReaper

I am out to a very very small group of people, just because I don't feel the need to let everyone know about it. 

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