The Username Says It All

[generallyconfused]

This ended up being a lot longer than I really expected (though I definitely could have kept going). So tl;dr I was/am really confused about what I am, but that's not a bad thing.

 

Hey there guys, gals, and non binary pals. My name is Zach and I'm new here (if you couldn't tell). I'm a cis male, but that's about it where the labels were easy to identify. You see my road to self discovery has been a twisting path through uncertainty and self-hate for many long years. Like any good story I guess you need a good starting point, and mine starts with discovering that I was quite different than all my friends when I was about 11 or 12 years old. When i was that young I discovered that there was one (I didn't realize until much later there was more than one) huge thing that made me different. I was attracted to other boys. Now back when I was that young (Now I'm in my early 20's) I was living with my Evangelical Christian Fundamentalist parents. Now if you're not seeing the large red flag I'll say it, my parents believed strongly that being gay was a sin that would send anyone that acted upon it to hell. Now you can imagine how terrified I was about my own sexual identity when i was growing up. I constantly tried to pray the gay away, but for the sake of time I'll spoil the ending, it didn't work.

 

After many years I finally got to a place where I could accept my own sexual orientation, but then another problem arose. Unlike my other gay peers hookups, and casual sex never appealed to me. I couldn't for the life of me figure out "what was wrong with me" my gay friends seemed to have no problem sleeping around, hooking up with the guy they were just going on a date with, or having tons of sex with their boyfriend. I figured that there was something medically wrong with me, but as you can probably figure out I was healthy as ever. So I figured I was just not trying hard enough so I thrusted myself into as many sexual experiences as possible so I could get over the uncomfortable feelings I was having about sex. But no matter how many guys I would sleep with I still felt uncomfortable when it came to sex. That's when I started to do some research and I came across the asexual spectrum. After watching a few videos on YouTube I knew that I definitely fell somewhere on this spectrum, but I was still as lost and confused as ever. But finally I wasn't alone, or crazy. I knew I had a place, and I was happy enough with that knowledge. After some more time and a couple more failed sexual encounters I decided to dig a bit deeper into the asexual community and learn some of the terms. Again I was victorious because I found a term that seemed to match my experience. I was a demisexual (again I was wrong) but this was enough to make me feel okay and like I had a place yet again.

 

So some more time passed by, and after a couple more failed sexual experiences I swore them off. Since that time I have been sex free for... seven months? now. But all this time I still have felt like the term I picked for myself just didn't fit right. So I kept searching, and searching, and searching. But nothing seemed to fit. When I would go through the words and what they meant everything just made me more confused and frustrated. I felt like I was an outsider, I felt like I didn't belong in the LGBT+ or the Asexual communities. You see I do have some sexual feelings. I know they're there, but they're never consistent. Some days I feel like the most sexual person on the planet, but on other days I feel like sex is the furthest thing from what I want. I felt like I couldn't reconcile the way I felt, and I felt just mostly alone. That is until I started doing more research and I discovered something. It's perfectly okay not knowing. So what if my sexual desire fluctuates faster then the weather in Michigan (which is a hell of a lot)? So what if I'm different and I experience sexual attraction at a lesser rate then other gay guys? So what if I don't have a shiny box to define what I am? 

 

So here I am typing all this out at 1am when I should be sleeping. I just had to get out my confusing feelings, and actually engage with the community I have been just discovering I actually do belong in. For the longest time I thought that because I felt sexual attraction I was not actually on the asexual spectrum and that something was just wrong with me. But I know now that it was just me not accepting myself, and being scared that no one would accept this part of me. I mean what gay guy would actually want to date me if I'm not really interested in having sex? That's the question I would ask myself over and over again, but at the end of the day what does it matter? Anyways... I feel like I'm rambling now, but here I am and I'm glad I've finally found a place that I can talk about this stuff.

[Redshirt Jim]

Hey Zach. 

Can't offer anything besides 

Welcome to AVEN 

Funny thing is, this is the place I feel most human. I felt more like a machine in RL

 

So try to be the human you are here. 

There's a lot of great people to interact. This is a place to remeber we are all human.  

 

Cheers, enjoy being here

Live Long and Prosper

[Yep, me]

😭 On not being accepted(I am so lucky to have found out this soon and be accepted), this made me think, I've been in somewhat of a dilemma and don't know wether I'm panromantic or panromantic with some of a homoromantic preference. I find it easier to imagine a homoromantic relationship than a non homoromantic one. Why do I want to know? I want to know myself more. I thought asexualality was normal and was crushed to find that it wasn't 😭 but being with people who understand me is great, and I have learned a LOT about the world(and I'm sometimes disturbed). I also learned there is a lot I will never understand(sexuality and people who think it's impossible to not be that way), but I need some help with finding this out. And someday, I hope to find others like me irl.

[iff]

Welcome to AVEN!  Thank you for joining and sharing your story  I hope you like the forums. We're happy you found us here

 

Now, for some more helpful information about the site, in addition to my welcome (and cake):

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

 

[Acebow]

Welcome to AVEN! please be exactly who you are! Have you considered the possibility of being gray-ace or demi? Having minimal sexual feelings, but mostly experiencing a lack of sexual attraction toward people...  

[generallyconfused]

I did, but I'm not entirely sure if those terms fit me 100%. I mean Gray-ace probably fits the best just because of the fluctuation that happens quite frequently. I guess I'm still exploring myself and what I truly feel still. But thanks for the welcome, all of you! I'm glad I can have a judgement-free space to actually explore this side of me.