I'm a human and I'm looking for advice

[InsertSomethingCleverHere]

Hello, 

 

I'm hoping to get some advice from anyone who is willing to give it.  It concerns a friend of mine who recently told me that she thinks she is asexual.  I'm really happy for her because she seems more comfortable in her own skin--which is great.   

 

What I am not at all pleased about is her twat-McMuffin of a girlfriend who is telling her BS things like: "asexual is not a thing," "you're not asexual," "we've had sex before," etc.  Even more upsetting is that this girlfriend pressures my friend to have sex and pulls all this guilt trip crap when my friend tries to explain why she doesn't want to have sex.

 

By nature I am a very protective human being so I've been silently fuming over this from day 1.  However, I realize that a great portion of this situation isn't really any of my business.  I've tried to gently and respectfully tell my friend that she deserves better and have left it at that.  As of late, though, my friend seems more and more beaten down by the situation.  This breaks my heart because she is the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful person.  

 

I don't want to overstep and I most certainly don't want to press her on the topic because she's getting enough of that already from her heel-of-a-girlfriend.  However, I am two seconds away from headbutting that awful woman out the front door, ripping my shirt off my body in a clear act of intimidation, and telling her to get lost.

 

I'm sexual and I realize that stepping forward and speaking for my asexual friend on this topic and in this situation would be beyond offensive.  I'm just at a loss as to what I can or even should do.  Does anyone have advice? Should I tell the girlfriend to shape up? Should I just leave everything as is?  If I just let things lie is there anything else I can do to make my friend more comfortable/happy?

 

-Me

 

       

[Redshirt Jim]

Hey :)))

First off welcome 

You can help her as an ally(it's the term for all you lovely heterosexual  heteroromantic cis people who support us) . But you need to make her fight for her own boundaries. As much as you really care for her, (Kudos 999×)she's the one who need to sort this with her girlfriend. 

If she let you, you can protect her, or if you have any evidence her X.O. is violent and unstable. (I HOPE NOT. Please tell me I'm wrong)

 

It seems her girlfriend is a little close minded. Maybe stressing on the fact of BOUNDARIES AND CONSENT (which is needed regardless of sexual and/or romantic attraction) are essential is more productive. 

 

Discuss. Communicate. First with your bestie. Then your bestie and her X.O. 

 

Live Long and Prosper. 

 

 

[Yep, me]

I don't normally say this, but bring the hammer down(hard, very hard) guilting people into doing things they don't want is very wrong, especially like this. You need to stand up for them, because if they won't, someone should. Good luck.

[roland.o]

I'm with Vernon Dunkin: support your friend, but do not seek to interfere directly with her gf. If you get the occasion to talk to your friend in private, you could drop the gentle hinting and instead speak up about your concerns, while still remaining respectful.

 

For example, you could point out to your friend that her gf is not supportive/respectful, that she's manipulating and guilt-tripping, and so on. Yes, boundaries and consent are important topics. Also, nobody is obliged to explain or give reasons for not wanting to have sex! It might make sense in a relationship to help your partner understand, but No means No and should be respected.

 

If there are situations where all three of you are together, and gf says something to your friend which you find offensive, you're free to speak up. Not on behalf of your friend, but from your own point of view. Like, "if someone said something like that to me, I'd feel manipulated".

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality moderator

[Amber79]

This is a difficult one, as your friend needs to learn where to draw the line herself. As she's only just begun to identify as ace she may need to more tim to adjust in herself. Also your freinds gf may feel their relationship is threatened by your friend idetifying as ace, and is depsereate to control things so she doesn't loose her. This does not excuse the manipulation and pressuring. Boudaries must be respected, especially by the person who claimes to love you. Unfortunately, you wouldn't believe how many sexuals feel threatened by asexuality, it confuses me as I can't think of anyone less threatening than a person who doesn't want sex, so your friends gfs attitude isn't a great suprise sadly. Supporting your friend by talking about asexuality and how you accept it as valid, especially in front of her gf, is a good start. Encourage your friend to review her boundaries, ask her what she would say to someone else who was being pressured the way she is, into sex. Talk to her about her gfs manipulation. Ultimately though, your freind will have to do the hard stuff herself, and all you can do about that is stand by her and give her support when she asks for it. And here's cake  and a a welcome .