Bps Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Hello, totally new to Aven, My SO suggested i post here for advice. So i've liked her for a while but kept being friend-zoned but eventually persevered! YAY. Now, the hurdle of overcoming my sexual instinct, which i knew would be difficult but i am willing to do my best as we get along really well and i feel it would be a shame to give up just because of sex etc. We've talked about various possibilities, such as compromising or just finding a sex buddy etc. She isn't comfortable at all with compromising and engaging in sexual activities, which i can respect since i am not forced into a relationship and so i would never force anything upon her. I am also a bit reluctant to look for a sexual partner to "relieve" myself as i feel it would interfere with our relationship even if i try to keep it strictly for relief because it's easier said than done and also the fact that i probably will be unable to find such a partner since i am not a particularly social person. I assume this is a very common scenario? Any advice? Thanks in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
NerotheReaper Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Welcome to AVEN! Well I think before you do anything, you should talk to her about your feelings and wants. A relationship without communication is going to fail very very fast, so if you can express your thoughts to her openly she can express her own feelings and hopefully you guys can come to some kind of agreement or compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Bps Posted July 22, 2017 Author Share Posted July 22, 2017 Thanks! We have, i'm very open about my feelings with her for that reason, i believe she is too. Just not sure what else we can try as she doesn't think she can compromise and i don't feel it's right to expect her to. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 If you want your sexual needs to get met, you probably should have thought twice before getting your friend to unfriendzone you. Probably she was wise to believe that platonic friendship was the most appropriate relationship for two people who get along really well but just can't meet each other's needs in a longterm romantic relationship. Accepting this and returning to your previous friendship would not be "giving up", it would be more like coming to your senses. Link to post Share on other sites
Bps Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 I see what you mean, i never expected them to be met, that would be naive to believe as you said! I'm just being realistic and addressing that there is something that we need figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
Bps Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 P.S @nanogretchen4 I personally found your response quite unhelpful. We are both trying to make it work and i am making a compromise, some would say a rather large one. Is it not reasonable to expect my SO to at least consider doing the same? I'm trying my best, learning many new things and came on here for advice as i am aware of my lack of knowledge towards this kind of situation, not to be judged. i hope the rest of the community is a bit more understanding and empathetic. No drama, i would appreciate if you didn't respond, unless you had something helpful to add. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lindzabop Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I'm not entirely sure what you're looking for advice about specifically, but if she's made it clear that she isn't willing to "compromise" then you need to 100% get that idea out of your mind. Don't hold on to false hope that she may feel different one day. I imagine it will cause you more grief and resentment in the long run instead of listening to her now and accepting it now. (Also, I totally don't mean to be presumptuous about what you're thinking - I just want to be thorough that the first step is accepting it). So you have a few options and none of them are that great. I'm saying that as someone in a very similar position so I totally get it. 1) You stay with her and accept that you won't be having sex with her or anyone. Rather, you satisfy your physical needs yourself and deal with whatever emotional baggage that brings you. There are quite a few people on these forums that do that so I encourage you to seek out how they feel about it and how it's affected them over the course of several years and see if that's something you can deal with. Of course, everyone's different so you just have to be really introspective and honest about it with yourself. 2) You agree to an open sexual relationship. This isn't something you have to immediately act on but it may bring you some relief in knowing that one day you may meet someone it could work with while maintaining your romantic relationship. 3) You go back to being friends which allows the both of you to find someone else that is more compatible in that department. None of these options are easy and maybe there's something else the two of you could personally figure out, but that's my view of it anyway. But my biggest piece of advice is to talk, talk, talk. Open and honest communication with your partner and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Bps Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 We have talked about it so I've been having a look at local swinger's clubs, is that something anyone else has thought of? Thought it would detach the emotional side of anything sexual and make me view it as more of an activity? Thoughts? Thanks Lindza (: Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 @Bps in every relationship there will be compromises. When we are with her friends, we do a lot of this (which I accept and try to play along with, though I do not really understand, but I like her and I try to like them and eventually I will, I know. Then perhaps we can find a solution where we do things we all like) and when we are with mine then we do a lot of that. (Opposite) about the sex, then you need to find a good agreement or solution rather than a compromise, since a compronise can easily mean that someone are 'being compromised' = boundaries not being respected, either from you or herself. If He want sex everyday 356 days a year. she wants sex once a year. Then what would be a good compromise? 150 times a year (He misses 150 times) 2 times a year (every second time she has sex will be 'against her wanting it') and what if it a matter of 'no desire/wanting sex' and wanting/needing sex? Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 8 hours ago, Bps said: I've been having a look at local swinger's clubs I read somewhere that the respectable swinger clubs expect their guests to come in pairs. Keeps the genders balanced. Link to post Share on other sites
Lindzabop Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 15 hours ago, Bps said: We have talked about it so I've been having a look at local swinger's clubs, is that something anyone else has thought of? Thought it would detach the emotional side of anything sexual and make me view it as more of an activity? Thoughts? Thanks Lindza (: I've never done that so I can't speak on that - but if you and your partner are both in agreement and comfortable with that idea, then by all means. I know swingers and poly folks have some guidelines? Rules? So you'll probably want to do research about what's appropriate and such. Maybe find some online forums about open sexual relationships and read about their experiences. Maybe reach out to people that have been in similar relationships and see how they went about it to ensure all parties involved are respected. I think that's great that you and your girlfriend are talking openly about it now and looking for solutions. Sounds like y'all can make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
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