Platonic breakups

[RoseGoesToYale]

Usually "breakup" only applies to romantic/sexual relationships, but I think it applies just as much to platonic ones, too. I think I need to break up with a friend I've known for a long time, but I don't know what to do. The internet gave me conflicting answers. Phase it out slowly, make excuses until they get the message, or set aside a time and formally tell them its over. Texting/calling is okay, but then they're not okay. It's not like something really bad happened, we're just headed in different directions and don't have anything in common anymore.

 

Is there any "proper" way to break up a long friendship?

[KendraPM]

This!!

There needs to be more information on friendships out there! I was in an abusive friendship that I was trying to end. It took me years to even identify that it was abusive and the guilt I felt over wanting to end the friendship, even after I realized that she was in fact abusive (we're taught all the signs to look for abuse in romantic relationships, but it never even crosses a person's mind to check their friendships too), I felt like I had done something wrong because I was the one who had decided I needed to detach myself from the toxic situation.

Try googling "abusive friendship." All you get is what to do if your friend is in an abusive relationship. I found one other person asking for advice when their friend started physically abusing them.

 

I don't know if there's a proper way. I can tell you what I did but I'm not sure I'd recommend or discourage this approach. I tried to let it phase out, but she ended up getting mad at me for some other reason and we pretty much stopped speaking overnight. It hurt, I wanted us to part on good terms because we'd known each other for most of our lives, but at the same time I think it may have been better for me in the end. But again, that was that friendship, which wasn't a healthy one. So perhaps the phase out plan would work in your case? That way you two can look back on your time together with fondness and no painful moments where the tie was severed.

[StormySky]

I'd rather be told face to face by someone that they don't want to be my friend, rather have them slowly drift away and shun me. Be honest but not overly rude, I guess. It hurts but I guess some people cause more pain than help just by hanging out with them. 

[SkyWorld]

 

Okay, but seriously... I know it's said so much, but communication really is the key to any relationship. You name it!

 

Whew, this was about 5 years ago when I broke up with a friend of mine when we were very close for about a couple years. We shared deep discussions and just enjoyed talking to each other. Well, she confessed to having a crush on me when I didn't feel the same way, but I still wanted to be friends. However about a month after her confessing, I've been feeling uncomfortable because it felt like she was taking advantage of me questioning my sexuality (before I knew I was asexual, I felt like "straight" wasn't accurate and thought maybe that I was bisexual or whatever, but was still confused). I didn't appreciate it and I felt disrespected like she was trying to force me to have feelings for her and she seemed to be coming on too strong even when I told her that I don't have the same feelings for her. It really freaked me out and I cut off all communication.

 

I regret it a lot and I feel like such a shitty person for dropping off the face of the earth like that without a word. Sure I was an emotionally immature kid (still kind of am), but that's no excuse. I had unblocked years later her and she had messaged me a few months after that and we finally talked about this. Though... I'm honestly not too interested in being friends again simply because we both have changed a lot as people, we're practically strangers again. If I had just talked to her and told her what's on my mind more directly, maybe she would have backed off and toned it down a bit. Maybe I could have kept a good friend. Though, I'm honestly glad that she's doing okay.

 

Well, that's my own experience. Any relationship can be different for everyone. Though like I said, communication is key. 

[QuirkyGeek]

If someone doesn't want to be my friend, I just want them to tell me outright. It's more painful when someone is being cruel to you than when they are simply honest. It's the easiest way to do it and I will admire there honesty and respect their wishes. It hurts too much when people are pretending to be my friend because I can't handle it. It might be social anxiety or something but it's just too much, and the worry eats me from the inside.

[Euna]

I had a 5-year friendship once, which was pretty long for me... Basically we lost things in common, and though we kept it up for a while near the end, meeting for coffee and stuff, I kept wondering whether she really cared or not about being friends.  It was hard to tell, because again, we were on different wavelengths, or so it felt.  Also, she had other friends besides me, and as a loner I'm prone to assume people don't "need" me in their lives. 

 

It just phased out on its own. 

 

Lately I've been thinking about it again, and the whole thing makes me regretful.  I'd kind of like to resume the friendship on social media (how we met, actually), but I'm thinking it's probably better to let it go.

[hippiecat]

I would fade out a friendship if it seemed like the other person wasn't too thrilled about continuing working on it either. But if they're constantly suggesting hanging out etc I think I'd tell them, because excuses just feel mean.