Ravenboots Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Hey, So first off this is my first original post so hello! I guess you should know that i'm 27, from Australia, female, likes cats and reading, does illustration and is currently studying my third degree (business commerce). Thats kinda my backstory in a brief nutshell... I guess let me just say I probably consider myself somewhere in the ace spectrum...probably grey ace or demi. Done some research for the last few years and nothing fits me to the tee but i guess thats normal anyway. Not really sure- so opinions are welcome. Regardless for me labels are kind of meh for me anyway haha. During high school i never had crushes or anything and never really "got it". I never really understood the big deal. I have only ever really felt romantic attraction twice, however both times i never pursued it as they both were funnily enough more interested in my friend rather than me. Rather than dealing with that I just happily shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Even then, i don't even know if i can call it romantic attraction. It was probably a case of really close friendship and trust with boys that I hadn't experienced before/much of ever in my life and that manifested itself in a way that was different to the other relationships. It was "romantically" one sided and it wasn't because i felt they were attractive physically but rather there was a level of intimate respect and trust i hadn't experienced. i guess take that as you will haha! I have never been intimate or anything with anybody. I have not kissed or even held hands with a boy. The only time i have ever kissed anybody was a friend (spin the bottle highschool...) and that was just all kinds of gross. I guess in my head i kind of consider myself more inclined to consider males in a "romantic" way than woman, but at the same time...i feel so inexperienced i kind of don't even know if i should bother considering a label for that either. As for libido...defiantly have that. It is kind of like it is there but there isn't anybody i am attracted to enough (mentally or physically) that i want to have sex with them. Like I defiantly can see if somebody is attractive in the conventional sense but that is not really a defining aspect of what makes me romantically attracted to somebody. As for dating and relationships i have done the ok cupid thing and only gotten weirdos etc. If there was a tinder for aces i would do that i guess hahaha! I am defiantly open to relationships with people but being mentally stimulating and their actual demeanour is what would want me to consider that step...without it its moot. Kind of like a really deep friendship i guess is what i would consider ideal, and then if sex were to happen it would be something i wouldn't be repulsed by but i don't think i would initiate it. Anyway opinions! Help confused me out! haha! Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayTheSky Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Hello! Welcome to AVEN, we're glad to have you! First of all, don't feel obligated to have a label for yourself. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to know your sexuality in the terms everyone uses, and it can be very gratifying once you've figured it out. But labels exist to connect you to others with similar experiences, not to box you in. If searching for a label causes more angst than understanding and joy, then consider putting it aside for awhile. Just do what feels right to you. There are many people who don't experience crushes or romantic attraction in high school, whether that's because they're in some way aromantic, because they haven't met the right person or because they're focused on education. Everybody is looking to fit in at that stage of life, and if lying a little bit in order to preserve a positive image with peers is necessary, then so be it. That being said, many people do experience romantic and sexual attraction for the first time around that age. That's why people talk/talked about it so much, because it was all new and unusual. The important thing is if you don't personally want to participate in romance, then you shouldn't feel pressured to. You say that your maybe romantic attraction to those boys from high school was due much more to a sense of intimate respect and trust than it was to their appearance. For some, that can mean a close friendship, but for me, that says romantic love all the way. When I love someone, I love their personality much more than their appearance. It's sort of like their appearance becomes a front cover for their personality, and I eventually grow to love it as well. It may be that you just didn't have enough time to get to like their covers. Or you could have only wanted to be friends. These things are different for everyone. Just because you are inexperienced with intimacy doesn't necessarily mean that you will never want it. I think that kissing a strictly platonic friend while playing spin the bottle would be gross for even the allosexiest of allosexuals, so don't make that your reference for what kissing everyone is like. Also, I wouldn't recommend online dating if you're looking for that type of deep connection. Although there are plenty of people looking for a long-term partner, almost all of them will expect a more conventional sexual relationship. I guess what I'm saying is not to let a few experiences in your past dictate all the experiences in your future. Don't feel like you need to fit into any box, and don't do anything you feel wrong doing. I hope that may have helped you in some way. Best of luck, my friend! Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for joining and sharing your story. Your ideal relationship sounds quite nice Now, for some more helpful information about the site, in addition to my welcome (and cake): As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message. Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. The following are also nifty links to take a look at: Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's Link to post Share on other sites
oXAceOfSwordsXo Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 Hi there puddlewarts! Considering all of what you said in your post is super relatable, it seems we might identify in a similar part of the ace spec. I'm always looking for new friends and so if you ever wanna chit chat or talk about random existential quanderings, don't hesitate to hit me up! I also like cats and reading. Haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenboots Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 On 22/07/2017 at 7:09 PM, oXDemiGoddessXo said: Hi there puddlewarts! Considering all of what you said in your post is super relatable, it seems we might identify in a similar part of the ace spec. I'm always looking for new friends and so if you ever wanna chit chat or talk about random existential quanderings, don't hesitate to hit me up! I also like cats and reading. Haha. Thanks so much! yay! its so nice to find people who fit into the similar niche of the ace community Link to post Share on other sites
Scooty Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 First off, welcome to AVEN! I'm Scooty! From your description, it sounds like a lot like what I've experienced. It's a spectrum though! so it varies for everybody! As of recently, I stopped trying to force relationships onto myself. I found that all the relationships I pursued through Okcupid (and the like), were focused on the emotional and intellectual side of the person. I had zero focus on sexual attraction and that continued to get me into trouble (sexual attraction obviously has to work from both ends. Like a circuit; I made it a closed circuit so things never ever worked out). I had a relationship with one guy for a month, did end up kissing him because I was trying to figure things out...I'll tell you, kissing is the grossest thing. Obviously that's why we only dated for a month haha As for libido, that's also a spectrum. For me, I lean more towards the importance of a romantic relationship than a sexual one (80% Asexual 20% Heterosexual..etc). Which is why I consider myself Heteroromantic Asexual. I don't really experience sexual attraction but feel hetero-romantic towards potential-partners. I could care less about sex. I wouldn't be repulsed by sex, but like you said, if in a serious relationship I probably wouldn't initiate it. Anyway, welcome again! enjoy your time here! Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I like your name! Welcome Link to post Share on other sites
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