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Asexual, aromantic or just confused?


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I’ve been thinking about what I want out of a relationship and confusing the hell out of myself, by being honest with myself. So far the list seems to comprise:
-    Dependability
-    Honesty
-    Cuddles (Emotional intimacy and support but not of the romantic nature, more the unchaging ‘I’ll be here for you’ thingy?)
-    Someone to listen and understand
-    Sex (because sexual gratification is nice, but not really an important point for me)
-    Fidelity (because trust issues and I don’t want to lose emotional intimacy)
Sexually attracted and romantic don’t matter – rather the thought is ‘it would be Nice, but that’s as far as it goes’ – I only think they matter because I expect them to matter, or society and the morals I’ve been raised with tell me they should matter. It’s not a pre-requisite as such but something I expect out of habit? The only sticking point there is I'm incapable of being sexually attracted to anyone. And have an even harder time of understanding people referencing it. 
I don’t really seem to have a sex drive when it comes to other people, more a drive for physical gratification that doesn’t depend on people.
I don’t know, is this making any sense? Cause at the moment my brains not making sense to me.

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Hello Raz8, welcome to these forums. Have some cake... :cake:

 

Would it help you to call yourself asexual and/or aromantic? If not, then stop worrying. If yes, call yourself that. Nothing you write indicates that these labels wouldn't fit. But in the end, it's only you who knows what you feel, and only you can choose the words for describing it. And when you find out more about yourself over time, you can still choose other words.

 

Either way, you're not "just confused". You're confused alright, but you are also an individual, a person, with perfectly valid feelings, hopes, and expectations. Take your time to figure those out. It will help you to get along with yourself as well as finding a partner, if that's what you want.

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18 minutes ago, Raz8 said:

I’ve been thinking about what I want out of a relationship and confusing the hell out of myself, by being honest with myself. So far the list seems to comprise:
-    Dependability
-    Honesty
-    Cuddles (Emotional intimacy and support but not of the romantic nature, more the unchaging ‘I’ll be here for you’ thingy?)
-    Someone to listen and understand
-    Sex (because sexual gratification is nice, but not really an important point for me)
-    Fidelity (because trust issues and I don’t want to lose emotional intimacy)

Most of these things could probably be found in a QPR, although you could probably get the same out of a sexual relationship.

 

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-    Cuddles (Emotional intimacy and support but not of the romantic nature, more the unchaging ‘I’ll be here for you’ thingy?)

I generally interpret cuddles as sensual (which a lot of aces experience).

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Sexually attracted and romantic don’t matter – rather the thought is ‘it would be Nice, but that’s as far as it goes’ – I only think they matter because I expect them to matter, or society and the morals I’ve been raised with tell me they should matter. It’s not a pre-requisite as such but something I expect out of habit? The only sticking point there is I'm incapable of being sexually attracted to anyone. And have an even harder time of understanding people referencing it.

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I don’t really seem to have a sex drive when it comes to other people, more a drive for physical gratification that doesn’t depend on people.

I'm pretty sure this is a sex drive. It's a drive to have some sort of sexual gratification. When you say it doesn't depend on people, do you not experience sexual attraction? If so I would definitely consider you ace.

 

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

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Thanks for the quick replies and welcome. Both aromantic and asexualtfit the bill - but I'm having trouble trying to reconcile that to what I've been taught I should feel/want from a relationship. 

 

To answer about the drive bit. As in its a drive to have some sort of sexual stimulation but it's just as easy and gratifying to sort it out myself as have any kind of intercourse. Sex just doesn't register as anything special or extraordinary or even an especially attractive option, it's just there and I don't care about it. It doesn't matter. And I have never been sexually attracted to anyone. 

 

I may as well be looking at a wall for all the reaction an apparently attractive person gets from me, mentally or physically.

Relationships... From the one experience I'm more likely to be made uncomfortable by the other by the really deep romantic feelings I can't return. 

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Thanks all. Kinda needed the second opinions to figure out if I was going crazier :)

It's good to know I'm not, and that there's people who understand it. Having trouble getting my friends to understand why I don't conform with the usual patterns when it comes to romantic/sexual interests... Still, they'll get there 

 

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