Maybe Greysexual? Enjoy being desired but can't really desire

[Stephhh]

Sexuality has always been kind of confusing to me. I have never had a real relationship nor have I had sex (I'm 20). For a while I thought I could be lesbian or bi, but I was never really overwhelmed with sexual desire for any sex/gender the way my friends were. I enjoy reading romance books or watching romantic comedies, but I have little interest in actually being one of those characters. I used to joke that I wanted a wedding not a marriage, but now that I'm questioning my sexual orientation I wonder if my lack of desire for a husband or family it's indicative of my true sexuality.

 

I very rarely experience sexual desire, although I have, which is why I can't definitively say I'm asexual. However, I like to know I'm sexually desirable to others and sometimes I will dance a certain way or flirt/touch others because I like the idea of being someone's fantasy. Maybe it's because I can't fantasize but I really like it, and it's the closest thing to sexual desire I experience most days. I think I want to engage in sexual acts, more so for other people's pleasure as opposed to my own because I'm not even sure if I will feel anything or enjoy it.

 

Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense but I'm wondering if anyone else feels like this, too?  

[malacat]

If you do not experience sexual attraction but desire sexual relationships or do not experience romantic attraction but desire romantic relationships, you might consider looking into cupiosexual and cupioromantic. Sometimes these terms are considered to be under the grey-ace/grey-aro umbrella.

 

It can be difficult for some people to figure out if they felt the desire or if they wanted to feel the desire. (I'm not you, so I can't tell). From what you said, you have experienced attraction (not sure if you meant sexual and romantic, or just sexual).

 

What you are describing could definitely fall under greyromantic/greysexual so if those are terms you feel most comfortable with, then you have every right to use them.

 

(Note you could identify as as many or as few of these labels as you want )

 

Let me know if you need anything clarified or any terms defined.

[donttouchme]

That's a completely normal feeling. To desire and be desired are fundamental human traits. Though we often associate the act of desire with men and the act of being desired with women, it actually goes both ways (equally). I too rarely experience sexual desire towards another person as it usually takes months of build up and constant interaction.  This is much more difficult in the work world because you have to schedule time together (or go to some weekly meeting regularly). I've realized now in my "dating", I really only want confirmation that I am desirable. Any step beyond that confirmation is not something I want. Often I find myself internally overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, and regret at any chance of follow through. 

 

Lack of desire for a husband...you're 20. If you say this when you're 28-30, then perhaps it signals something far deeper about yourself. There are also plenty of sexual folks who have no desire for a family or single constant partner.

[Pramana]

Welcome to AVEN!

I would start by distinguishing libido (undirected sexual desire) from sexual attraction (sexual desire directed towards other people who are found to be sexually appealing). If you don't find that any characteristics such as gender, physical attractiveness, social status, etc. lead you to fantasize and desire partnered sex with certain people, there's an indication that you don't experience sexual attraction and so may be asexual.

There are many asexuals who still have a libido, and who may want to address that feeling through masturbation or potentially through partnered sexual activities. In that regard, there's a subgroup of asexuals known as sex-favourable asexuals, who desire partnered sex despite not finding anyone sexually attractive.

As for wanting to be viewed as sexually desirable by others, there are a variety of reasons why one might wish to be seen in this way, and those reasons don't necessarily have to do with one's sexual orientation. For example, an asexual might find that such attention boosts their self-confidence levels, even though they have no interest in being sexually active.

I hope this information is useful. I would suggest doing more research on the topic. If you're looking for a good introduction to the various asexual and aromantic spectrum orientations, I would recommend Julie Sondra Decker's book The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.



 

[GLRDT]

Hi. I identify as a sex neutral gray asexual for the time being and I too love to flirt and like being sexually desired and I like sexual tension or energy but then when it comes to actually having sex it's like sigh ok. I'm indifferent to it. In the beginning I had sex because I was curious not because i desired it. I also had a fear of leading people on. I was just trying to explore my sexuality, but I didn't want  to hurt people while I was doing it. Sadly after a while I learned to sort of hold back parts of the flirting part of my personality. Now I have sex because I love my sexual boyfriend. I'm able to enjoy things about it in the moment, sensations, adventure, and learning more about my partner and pleasing him. However, I also tend to get distracted, bored, and sometimes physically uncomfortable if sex goes on too long.  I don't get caught up in things and I don't feel a strong emotional connection through sex. I'm very sensual though and feel very connected through cuddles. I never crave sex. I never initiate sex unless I try really hard but I'm just never in the mood. I need my boyfriend to get things started in order for me to lean into the mood. I also happen to have an incredibly low libido which can make things difficult because I'm almost never horny. Ive only been from what I can tell as sexually attracted to someone about  three times in my life and I'm 27 now. For me it came on as a strong curiosity to have sex with the person because I wondered if  it would be different, passionate, lustful. Things I've never felt. But before the curiosity even came, I felt excited and was attracted to their confidence, cleverness, and kindness, and also aesthetically. Anyhow I relate to what you've said and it does make sense. This is a great site and I hope it brings you knowledge that gets you to think and that you can relate to other people and feel comfortable on here. Hopefully you'll feel you have a safe place here to explore your thoughts and identity.