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songchick

Am I demi? Can past ace-ness still qualify a person as ace?

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I feel like a big fake.  I am now having sexual thoughts after all.  But also, I like the asexual community because here is a place where it's not all about sex all the time.  There are other aspects to life, and I feel like people don't focus on them because they're so obsessed with sex.  But also, the feelings I have are for a friend I've known for 9 years.  There's another friend I met online who I've known for a few months well.  Maybe I'm demi?  I just feel like having (occasionally intense) sexual thoughts totally cuts me out of the Ace community.  Or maybe this is a wave or phase.  I still have troubles communicating with sexuals on their terms atm.  As far as I know.  

I have had mental illness for many many years, which really affected the way I could "flirt."  Aka, I couldn't and I hated it.  But my life has vastly improved since 4+ years ago when I started Clozapine, so now things are changing for the 1st time in my life.  Maybe this includes sexuality.  I'm probably going to end up being a "normal" sexual person at the age of 31, but having no sex drive for my entire life beforehand still makes me feel very strongly tied to the Ace community.

 

Also, I write articles for online magazines, and I have been starting to write about asexuality.  But now things are changing!  I don't want to be a fake fraud.  Yet still, having "ace chemistry" in myself really has shaped me as I have grown from child to adolescent to adult.  Instead of trying to be attractive, I focused heavily on classical music studies.  I felt disconnected and alienated from the rest of the flirting world, and I felt ugly and unwanted.  I guess an ace wouldn't feel that though?

I'm trying to see where I fit on the spectrum, if at all.  Can one still say they are ace, or have had ace experiences if there is mental illness present that interfered with sexual expression?  (Not due to meds, but due to mental cloudiness/interference/whatever.)  Can asexuality be a condition that affects a person temporarily, and if so, can a person still be embraced by the ace community if they have passed through asexuality in the the past, no longer ace but still have ace memories and experiences that relate with other aces?

 

I am wondering what you all think.  This might not belong in the musings/rantings section, so move it if it belongs somewhere else.  Thanks.

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Thoughts or attraction? Asexual = no sexual attraction.

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Okay, so at this point I say it actually is attraction.  But I've never really felt this way before.  It feels like a light switch just went on.  Really weird.

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Part of life is discovering who you are and learning new things about yourself.  Sometimes, what you thought you knew turns out to be different and there's nothing wrong with that.  It's not like you were intentionally pretending to be something you weren't, because, as you said, you felt you best related to and identified as ace.  There's also nothing wrong with continuing to write about asexuality either, even if it turns out you aren't asexual.  The point it, you're still talking about and supporting a group that's still not entirely understood.  I'd also like to point out that this is a very accepting community that also includes some sexuals, so of course you're still welcome.

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7 minutes ago, TessaMe said:

Part of life is discovering who you are and learning new things about yourself.  Sometimes, what you thought you knew turns out to be different and there's nothing wrong with that.  It's not like you were intentionally pretending to be something you weren't, because, as you said, you felt you best related to and identified as ace.  There's also nothing wrong with continuing to write about asexuality either, even if it turns out you aren't asexual.  The point it, you're still talking about and supporting a group that's still not entirely understood.  I'd also like to point out that this is a very accepting community that also includes some sexuals, so of course you're still welcome.

Thanks so much for your kind words.  I still feel very compelled to write about asexuality, because it is so misunderstood.  I feel like the sexual world has a lot to learn from asexual's, because life isn't only about sex.  Our pop culture and commercialism lifestyle says otherwise, and I think asexuality fights this.  There's more to life than sex.  There IS aesthetic attraction.  There IS romantic attraction.  These concepts can apply not only to aces but to the rest of the allosexual community.  I felt more confident and more educated about what attraction was only after investigating asexuality and learning its terminology.  The terms that aces used should be used by the entire allosexual community as well.

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"Can past ace-ness still qualify a person as ace?"

 

I'd say no. That's like saying having been a toddler in the past still qualifies you as one 20 years later.

 

Other than that, you might not qualify to be ace anymore (might! I am not in a position to judge your feelings), but that doesn't mean that you don't have a place in this community anymore. From what I have read, not experiencing sexual desires is a side effect of quite a few mental disorders, but (1) I'm not qualified when it comes to details and (2) correlation =/= causation.

 

Just go with the flow and see where it takes you. I have yet to see anyone being kicked out of here because they were wrong about themselves. It's always beneficial to figure stuff out and your experiences could provide vital information to confused and/or unsure folks who seek help on here.

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I'd suggest not allowing labels to restrict your personal growth.  Also, don't feel the need to identify with a new label right away.  There is nothing wrong with questioning.

 

I do want to ask, do you have the desire to act on those sexual thoughts you mention?  One of the definitions of asexuality is no desire to engage in partnered sexual activity.  Just another way to maybe think of things.

 

Regardless of how you eventually end up identifying, you can always be a wonderful ally to the asexual community.

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However you end up identifying, you are never "a big fake". You always have been, and always will be, the real, genuine you, and this community should always be a space where you can be you, regardless of whether you are questioning or certain, asexual or sexual. I don't really believe in a test for, or rigid definition of, asexuality. My advice would be that if you want a label, you should pick the one that best explains to other people who you are; that's all a label can do anyways, as I think that most people are more complex and fluid on the inside than any simple categorization could explain.

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