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HazyBlueDot

Navigating life, dating, and happiness

7 posts in this topic

Hello friends!


It's kind of weird that I am only joining this site now. I've actually known about it for years and have even recommended it as a resource to others but hadn't joined myself. I think there was just some other stuff going on in my life that was taking up all my energy and I was just putting off figuring out this part of myself. Well, that other stuff has more or less been resolved, so now no excuses. I came out as gay at 19, but in the 17 years since I've had only a handful of significant relationships lasting from 2-12 months, and that was really in the first 7 years or so as I've been single for about 10 years now. In the handful of relationships I did have, the sex always felt weird and awkward. For a while I just attributed it to inexperience, but after a third attempt at what at the time I envisioned a "normal" relationship should be and getting hung up on the sex again I more or less decided to just give up on relationships until I sorted some stuff out. Since then I've taken a number of feminist and queer theory courses and so have had a great opportunity to get plugged into an academic community that explores gender, sex, and sexuality, but that hasn't necessarily provided a space for me to really figure out details about myself, though I did start to identify more as "queer" than "gay" through this process, largely as a result of my experience with gay dating apps and the expectations that folks there seemed to have of me that were not aligned with what I was looking for.

 

I think what finally brought me here is that during all this time and figuring out a lot of other stuff, I still have a desire to date people, to form closer relationships than "just friends", but I've just been having a difficult time with that. I definitely have *some* kind of attraction and desire for *something*, and I definitely have a sexual attraction to men and male bodies, but when it comes to the sex with actual men and actual bodies it just feels too complicated.

 

I really like the definition of asexuality by @Pramana at http://as-ns.net/villa/discussion/238/what-is-asexuality/p1 "an asexual person is a person who does not value partnered sexual activities enough to pursue them". I had been thinking along these lines for a while, the whole cost/benefit analysis thing really resonates with me because I have the attraction, it's just that the vast majority of time it doesn't seem worth the effort. I had kind of resisted sharing this interpretation with folks before because my background and training is in engineering and I was sensitive to people assuming I was trying to force a rational engineering mindset to what is an emotional fluid experience, but seeing someone else use it makes me happy!

 

Anyway, I guess that is my "hello", I look forward to future discussions and learning more about myself!

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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This is my hello: :cake::cake::cake::cake:

:D 

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for joining and sharing your story. :) We look forward to your partaking in discussions here and hope you enjoy it here, enjoy the discussions and the other sections we have on the forum. :)

 

Now, for some more helpful information about the site, in addition to my welcome (and cake):

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

Vanilla-Purple-Cake-with-Lemon-Buttercre

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Thank you everyone for your warm welcome. And yum, cake!

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Welcome to AVEN!

I'm glad to hear that you liked my proposed definition. I have a background in philosophy, and was influenced by the extrinsic/intrinsic goods distinction and by rational choice theory. It's not entirely satisfactory (in particular, I would want to modify it to distinguish traditional religious celibacy, and show more explicit recognition for the role played by a lack of sexual attraction/desire), but I think it's a useful tool for understanding the asexual spectrum.

And since you mentioned being interested in feminist and queer theory, I thought I would recommend the book Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Mills.


 

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Thanks @Pramana, will definitely check out that book. It appears there is an electronic version available through my university's library, so that's convenient. More summer reading!

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