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Allosexualcuddlebear

Conversation advice to consider sexual's needs and not guilt sexual person

9 posts in this topic

Hello!!!

 

I am an female allosexual in mixed relationship with a non binary demisexual that's on SSRI (infamously known for lowering libidos). My libido is rather high and I feel attraction to my partner every other day if not everyday. I make the effort to educate myself on asexuality, am accepting of my partner and respectful, keep an open mind and am willing to compromise. Yet everytime I express my feelings of frustration in a calm collected and non accusatory manner they say that they "worry that they'll disappoint me" or that I'll "dump them soon enough." This language hurts because although sex is important to me, it isn't everything. I feel helpless because when I express my emotions I am made to feel guilty for something that is natural to me and the conversation is never geared towards my needs rather guilt which in turn makes me feel even less desirable to my partner. 

 

How do I assure my partner that I want to be in steady relationship with them? How can we start communicating in a way where my needs are taken into account as well?

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If your partner is openly speculating about your departure, your partner has already considered it, and is thinking ahead to a life without you. Or maybe that's the antidepressants talking.

 

If you don't have a future with this person, why bother?

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In part it is their depression and anxiety speaking. 

 

They say that they're insecure because they've been dumped/cheated on and felt that asexuality was a catalyst to that. 

 

I have been transparent and honest with them telling them of my past where I have been unfaithful to partners, a serial cheater in my past. I have not been unfaithful to this partner im speaking of now and dont intend to. And although we are in open relationship (as suggested by them at the very beginning of relationship b/c they're poly), I do not desire anyone else at the moment.

 

As I see it, it isnt that they want to split. It is that they have fears and insecurities that stem from their previous experiences and the fact that Ive cheated on prior partner before doesnt exactly help quell their anxiety.

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It doesn't make any sense for them to claim to be poly and recommend an open relationship and also guilt you in anticipation that you will "cheat". Is the relationship open, or is it not? If your partner is asexual they in fact do not desire you or anyone else sexually and never will. If they are demisexual, who knows? I'm demisexual but if I'm in a relationship with someone I have sexual feelings for, which is a big if, I'm a pretty average sexual person in the context of that relationship. That doesn't seem to be the case with your partner. Anyway, it sounds like you are not naturally monogamous or there would not be multiple instances of infidelity in your history. So accept that your partner does not want sex with you and take them up on their permission to have outside sex if the relationship is good on balance. If the relationship is not good on balance, break up and look for other poly people to date. Only stay in the relationship because it's a good relationship, not because your partner tries to guilt you about how needy they are and how their past relationships didn't work out. Incompatible sexual orientations are a very big check in the minus column, so they might have better luck dating within their orientation, you know? You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs just because they are for some reason determined to keep trying to date sexuals despite the low success rate of that relationship strategy.

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It is open for them as well in the sense that they are allowed and interested in romance with other partners.

 

We dont have sex as much as Id like although im willing to compromise as long as i have a healthy way to express frustrations and have my needs considered as well. I have permission to others yet i dont desire it right now.

 

Our relationship is great otherwise. We truly love and support each other. So thats why I ask of advice on how to start a healthy conversation that isnt only centered around my demisexual partners needs but rather both of our needs? 

 

I feel that allowing me to have other partners is a cop out because i have put much effort into understanding the asexual spectrum but they havent put the effort into understanding what goes on in the mind of a sexual

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10 hours ago, Allosexualcuddlebear said:

Yet everytime I express my feelings of frustration in a calm collected and non accusatory manner they say that they "worry that they'll disappoint me" or that I'll "dump them soon enough."

As a person who has had problems with depression and anxiety since primary school, I would say what you are seeing is 100% because of mental health problems. And it's not going to get better until your partner's mental health improves: depression and anxiety have a way of making you feel paranoid, worthless and hopeless about every situation, but even more so if you feel you should be "worthy" of something or someone (for example in a relationship). You can try to remind your partner of that they are worthy and "enough" for you to stick around, but the mental health problems' grasp on their mind might still be stronger than your love's. I myself have tried to find a way to make myself believe that people can find me worthy of their time and that I can be enough for someone, but so far I have not been able to make myself believe it whatever I try (SSRIs, psychotherapy, support from others with mental health problems). I hope your partner fares better!

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On 17.7.2017 at 11:43 PM, Allosexualcuddlebear said:

Hello!!!

 

I am an female allosexual in mixed relationship with a non binary demisexual that's on SSRI (infamously known for lowering libidos). My libido is rather high and I feel attraction to my partner every other day if not everyday. I make the effort to educate myself on asexuality, am accepting of my partner and respectful, keep an open mind and am willing to compromise. Yet everytime I express my feelings of frustration in a calm collected and non accusatory manner they say that they "worry that they'll disappoint me" or that I'll "dump them soon enough." This language hurts because although sex is important to me, it isn't everything. I feel helpless because when I express my emotions I am made to feel guilty for something that is natural to me and the conversation is never geared towards my needs rather guilt which in turn makes me feel even less desirable to my partner. 

 

How do I assure my partner that I want to be in steady relationship with them? How can we start communicating in a way where my needs are taken into account as well?

By the sounds of it, both of you have a sense of guilt. Which, as I'm sure both of you know, is not and can not be healthy. Not for a relationship, but also not in general.

Since I take it that you do, in fact, share a sexual relation (if a rather more sparse one than you'd like), and I take it that you derive enjoyment from that (and don't overtly find him lacking in some way), then their feeling of disappointing you might be an expression of a much more general fear that goes well beyond sexual activity. Maybe they feels that your arrangement is so unorthodox that you can't possibly have the devotion to stick to it - and, worse, perhaps that is something they thinks of themselves, though might not be able to face.

 

Frankly, by simply staying with them and demonstrating respect and understanding in your tone even when addressing this emotionally laden issue is demonstration and assurance enough that you want a steady relationship. If they can't see that I'm not sure why that might be, but going by what you say it seems readily apparent to me. Provided they have the same passion for you, being upfront about your needs ought to be enough for you to, eventually, find common ground. Because, from what I gather, you aren't asking the impossible. At worst, it seems, you are asking them to do the equivalent of playing a game he doesn't really care for every once in a while. For the sake of a happy relationship, that's not a steep price at all.

 

 

On 18.7.2017 at 1:19 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

It doesn't make any sense for them to claim to be poly and recommend an open relationship and also guilt you in anticipation that you will "cheat".

Is that what they are doing? I didn't infer that in the slightest.

I fully agree with the rest of your post, though.

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On Tuesday, July 18, 2017 at 3:52 AM, swirl_of_blue said:

As a person who has had problems with depression and anxiety since primary school, I would say what you are seeing is 100% because of mental health problems. And it's not going to get better until your partner's mental health improves: depression and anxiety have a way of making you feel paranoid, worthless and hopeless about every situation, but even more so if you feel you should be "worthy" of something or someone (for example in a relationship). You can try to remind your partner of that they are worthy and "enough" for you to stick around, but the mental health problems' grasp on their mind might still be stronger than your love's. I myself have tried to find a way to make myself believe that people can find me worthy of their time and that I can be enough for someone, but so far I have not been able to make myself believe it whatever I try (SSRIs, psychotherapy, support from others with mental health problems). I hope your partner fares better!

I hope you feel better and have found yourself worthy of your partners.

 

I can see how depression and anxiety will lead one to believe they arent worth it. Have tried different methods of validation and reassurance for them. Unfortunately I dont have the power to change someone elses state of mind. All i can do is listen and be attentive really.

 

Its no easy task going from only dating neurotypical allosexual cishet men to dating a clinically depressed nonbinary demisexual lover that has aspergers. Literally everyday is a learning experience.

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On Wednesday, July 19, 2017 at 2:25 AM, Plectrophenax said:

Maybe they feels that your arrangement is so unorthodox that you can't possibly have the devotion to stick to it - and, worse, perhaps that is something they thinks of themselves, though might not be able to face.

 

Frankly, by simply staying with them and demonstrating respect and understanding in your tone even when addressing this emotionally laden issue is demonstration and assurance enough that you want a steady relationship. If they can't see that I'm not sure why that might be, but going by what you say it seems readily apparent to me. Provided they have the same passion for you, being upfront about your needs ought to be enough for you to, eventually, find common ground. Because, from what I gather, you aren't asking the impossible. At worst, it seems, you are asking them to do the equivalent of playing a game he doesn't really care for every once in a while. For the sake of a happy relationship, that's not a steep price at all.

Couldnt agree more! I feel that our open relationship arrangement, suggested by my partner, isnt something that they are actually ready to handle if we were to actively practice. And that it sprang from self doubt of not being able to meet my sexual needs instead of actually wanting the liberty to pursue others.

 

And yes the fact that Im wanting to learn and willing to make compromises should speak loudly enough of my devotion.

 

I guess we're in the processes of finding common ground. As far as my needs I guess ill have to masturbate tenfold because even just the irritability that comes through from lack of sex, can have a negative impact on relationship. 

 

I just wish they understood that to me sex is about sharing and connection. Admittedly because of its absence sometimes I feel resentful and lonely.

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