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AceAlexa

Sex on your wedding night: required or optional?

47 posts in this topic

To sexual people:  Would you be angry at your asexual spouse if they didn't want to have sex on your wedding night?  Would you hold it against them forever and bring it up in arguments and everything?  What if they were willing to have sex before or after the wedding, but were just too stressed to do it on the particular night of the wedding?

To asexual people:  Any opinions on this?

 

(BTW: I'm getting married in four days and I'm having a disagreement with my mother.  Yeah, long story.)

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I'd like to know the answer to this myself.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, but we're not ready to get married yet (we're only 19 lol). But he jokes about having sex on our wedding night, and I can understand it. When I really think about it, I get super worried that I won't be able to because of my sexuality even though I know that it's a super special day, and pretty much expected of you as it's the norm.

 

I would talk to my partner about it since he/she is the other party in the situation.

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Just now, Limerence said:

I'd like to know the answer to this myself.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, but we're not ready to get married yet (we're only 19 lol). But he jokes about having sex on our wedding night, and I can understand it. When I really think about it, I get super worried that I won't be able to because of my sexuality even though I know that it's a super special day, and pretty much expected of you as it's the norm.

 

I would talk to my partner about it since he/she is the other party in the situation.

 

Sounds like we're in a similar situation.  I'm 19 and I've been with my fiance for 4 years. :)

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It think it would depend on your spouse. I would honestly be beat after a wedding. So you might be lucky with everyone being tired that it won't happen. 

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OPTIONAL!!!!

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I think many people I know said they were too tired to have sex on the wedding night and just fell asleep once they got to their room.

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Alexa,

 

Sex is never required; it's your body, and whether you're married or not does not entitle anyone to sex without your permission. Also, your mother's opinion is irrelevant here; that's between you and your fiancé. To avoid the potential situations you're listing (hating forever, being angry, etc), ideally this would be discussed before the wedding. I understand there's only a few days left until the big day, but I'd say it's better now than not discussing it at all and getting an unpleasant surprise.

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I suppose it depends on the wedding itself and the culture it is embedded into? 

In doubt: Have your bridesmen drink that wimp of a groom under the table and call it a night :evil: 

I really wouldn't be surprised to hear from a lot of couples that they were way too stressed out to perform kind of spectacularly that night. 

OTOH: It makes always a lot of sense to probe waters in advance, maybe talk to your spouse that you are worried about way too much cramped into your wedding day...

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As with any social convention, its just that, a convention; not some divine rule that will bring about eternal damnation. So sex on a wedding night is optional.

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As was already stated; "required" is the wrong word. "Customary" is more correct. Possibly "expected" too, but if your partner knows of your asexuality, this might not actually be the case. At worst, they might expect it for the sheer formality of it, in which case you are still free to decline.

 

Honestly, the whole idea of a wedding night is rooted in the assumption that it is something that both (ideally, but let's not get into the historic side of this) newly-weds want and desire. If that doesn't apply to you, the custom has no reason to affect you. None whatsoever. Like drinking a glass of chamaigne at said wedding is no duty for those who don't like champaigne. Norms are only as strong as we let them be.

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I've been married three times, and probably had sex on each wedding night. I don't remember, and if you do it, neither will your partner.

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Well I think this is a very important discussion for all couples, especially those who are considering marriage. It should maybe be decided on by couple, if the couple wants to order pizza and play video games on their wedding night that is their choice (Doesn't sound half bad :o ). No one else but the couple should really have a say in it, I know it is a culture thing and a traditional thing but the couple two adults should be able to say when they have sex and when they don't

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Talk it out with your partner and maybe lay down some boundaries for your mom. (Lol I know I'm still trying to do this myself.) Something like "I appreciate your input but this matter does not concern you."

 

I myself would rather watch TV after a wedding. So many people.

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Whew, okay thanks guys.  That makes me feel a lot better.  My mom made me feel absolutely horrible when I told her that I was asexual and later when I told her (she asked) that my fiance and I agreed that we wouldn't try to have sex on our wedding night.  She made it sound like it was a mandatory thing that all sexual people HAD to have (lol I don't know these things) and that my partner would secretly hold it against me forever.  My partner, of course, is totally accepting of my asexuality and is completely okay with whatever I decide.  (He's the sweetest.)

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Totally optional! Weddings are so much stress and work; not to mention you're active all day and more than likely not going to eat or rest much cause you'll be too busy entertaining your guests. My bff got married last fall and they didn't even bother despite having planned for it.

 

Ultimately, it is the choice of the couple. I'd definitely discuss it with your spouse to be and ignore the voices of anyone that isn't them. After all, it's a ceremony and celebration all about the both of you.

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1 minute ago, jilligan said:

Talk it out with your partner and maybe lay down some boundaries for your mom. (Lol I know I'm still trying to do this myself.) Something like "I appreciate your input but this matter does not concern you."

 

I myself would rather watch TV after a wedding. So many people.

Haha the word "boundaries" isn't even in her vocabulary.  But thanks for the advice.

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Me too. I'm trying smaller ones. Good luck!

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8 minutes ago, AceAlexa said:

Whew, okay thanks guys.  That makes me feel a lot better.  My mom made me feel absolutely horrible when I told her that I was asexual and later when I told her (she asked) that my fiance and I agreed that we wouldn't try to have sex on our wedding night.  She made it sound like it was a mandatory thing that all sexual people HAD to have (lol I don't know these things) and that my partner would secretly hold it against me forever.  My partner, of course, is totally accepting of my asexuality and is completely okay with whatever I decide.  (He's the sweetest.)

That is amazing you found someone who is understanding and respects you :) 

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I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and we often talk about getting married one day. I've also brought up sex on our wedding night, and I voiced my opinion of the present me not being interested. I thought we'd argue about it, but he just said that he's happy with whatever makes me comfortable.

 

I also remember asking him: " Well, what if people ask the morning after? What would we tell them? "

To which, he replied with, " it shouldn't be any of their concern if we do it or not anyway. It's our business. We're happy, and that's all that matters. "

" Yeah, you're right! "

 

So it's definitely a choice!

It's the conventional way of celebrating new weds or whatever, but totally optional! Just depends on you and your fiance!

 

Congratulations by the way!!! ;w; /

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If I got married I expect my partner and I to be up late at night doing fun things at whatever location we were at. if I'm honeymooning in Iceland the last thing I'm going to say is, "oh, shit! We've got to get back to the room to complete the ceremonial fucking!" We fuck all the time, anyway. Ain't nothin special. 

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3 minutes ago, Peachyy said:

If I got married I expect my partner and I to be up late at night doing fun things at whatever location we were at. if I'm honeymooning in Iceland the last thing I'm going to say is, "oh, shit! We've got to get back to the room to complete the ceremonial fucking!" We fuck all the time, anyway. Ain't nothin special. 

Haha well when you put it like that...  That's hilarious. :) 

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Optional.

 

Sex is never required in any situation and if someone tries to push that you then you need to leave that person.  The wedding night sex has always been about making sure the woman is female and ensuring that the relationship will procure children; it's rooted in highly misogynistic belief.  Anyway, I wouldn't be having sex on my wedding night (if I ever decided to have sex again) and I'd quickly drop a person if they think I need to perform for an outdated societal pressure.

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I have definitely heard of sexual people saying that their wedding day was too exhausting for them to do anything else except collapse that night.  Alcohol may or may not have been involved, but from what I have seen of weddings and how much goes into some of them, the fact they are exhausting is not at all surprising.

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I find it that weddings should be small and with only a trusted circle. Sex or no sex at the end of ut is still optional but it seems like more planning goes into entertaining the guests rather than the couple celebrating their marriage.

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It's not that unusual for sexual couples to wait until sometime the next day when they've settled into their honeymoon suite and can focus their attention on a more romantic experience. If the wedding reception goes late into the night and everyone is rushing to get off on a trip you can either have a distracted quickie while one or more partners may be half asleep or drunk, or you can realize that waiting a few more hours is likely to result in a better memory. There is definitely no problem if you and your partner have discussed the issue in advance and reached an agreement. Issues have arisen in cases where the asexual partner did not come out and pretended to be waiting for marriage for religious reasons, then didn't want to have sex with their tripped and trapped spouse after the wedding. But that's a totally different situation than you are in since you have honorably come out and talked to your partner in advance.

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Optional of course. As for sex in general,always do only what you feel is acceptable for you. Never go against your inner feelings. 

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In some cultures, it used to be that people would watch to make sure that the marriage was consummated on their wedding night. Luckily, we no longer have to deal with this creepy custom. I say it is something that needs to be discussed between the couple, no one else's opinion matters.

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Nothing's set in stone, it's not mandatory to have sex on your wedding night, so for me it would be optional.

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optional or even prohibited lol

that's my take on it though I am aromantic lol

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For me, it's very optional. We don't have to really follow the customary activity of consummation for the union to be full. I prefer to discuss it with my partner days before the ceremony (whether it'll be a religious or legal, or civil/domestic partnership and/or commitment ceremony). And also it has to have with both of our consents and agreements if a possible spur-of-the-moment happens.

 

I'd rather have a long cleansing shower, change into plainclothes or sleepwear, watch TV, play video games (if we managed to sneak in a console, laptop and/or mobile phones), order room service or outside delivery, have non-alcoholic drinks and talk about what happened that entire day. Then, we can get some well-deserved and much-needed sleep.

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