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'Barrier up' against sex?


Member116379

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Member116379

I've posted a lot recently as I'm really struggling with my identity. If I think about sex/sexual scenarios, it's usually with celebrities. So that's aegosexual. I get that. I also might become slightly aroused when imaging those things. That's normal too. AND I only usually have those 'enjoyment feelings' when the sexual situation is not possible, they're a celebrity, long-distance etc. BUT: when I think about sex with my boyfriend, even when he's not here, it doesn't arouse me. I hate typing that out but I guess it's pretty common for people here! My main question is this: when sex becomes a possibility and could happen, is it plausible that my subconscious or something in my mind has created a barrier against it; like I'm almost shutting off my brain to it? Maybe anxiety from the past has affected me? Or is this an asexual spectrum trait: may like the idea sometimes but has no urge to follow through, regardless of arousal?

 

I'm so worried that I might not be sexually attracted to my boyfriend as opposed to not being sexually attracted to anyone. And to be honest I hate myself for it. He's handsome and cute and I love him to bits but that sexual stuff is just totally not there for me

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Member116379

And yes I am well aware that I may just be going round in circles and I'm DEFINITELY over thinking. But this is my identity and it's crushing my self-esteem and causing my mental health to decline. I know sexuality is fluid and it can change; I just need to feel like I'm not alone, broken, frigid, heartless or simply unlovable

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First, take a breath. You are fine, what you feel is ok, you just have to walk through it and let yourself explore yourself.

 

It is possible to either have anxiety blocking sexual desire or having it not be "awakened" yet. There is some research that suggest that especially women might struggle to feel arousal unless they have actually masturbated or participated in the act; things have to "hook up" so to speak. If this is the case for you, it's nothing to be ashamed or worried about, but it's something you can baby step your way through.

 

That all being said, not ever wanting sex is ok too. A lot of asexuals pressure themselves into thinking they owe their partner sex. If their partner is sexual, they do have needs that should be met, but a person NEVER has to have sex if they don't want to. Sexuals can find a compromise and relieve themselves through masturbation or have an open relationship, whatever works for you two.

 

In sum; Sure, you could be repressing some sexual arousal thanks to anxiety, but that happens and is ok. You only ever need to have sex if/when you want to. If you want to try it with your boyfriend to see what happens, go for it. If you don't, then don't, that's fine too. In regards to you having sex, do what you believe is best for you, not for others but for you, and you'll be fine.

 

I really hope that helps, let me know if I can give more support :cake:

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MiraMeyneth

I can relate to the identity problems, aha.

 

I'm not the best with emotional support, but know that you aren't unloved. What you're feeling is quite normal, and the turbulence is something I think everybody goes thorough. 

 

Sending cake and hugs:cake::cake::cake:

 

However, what you are describing does sound like aegosexuality. For me, if I find porn of a character I have no attatchment to, I can find it somewhat arousing, and think about sex in third person. However, if it's a character that I actually like, that arousal vanishes. Perhaps your case is somewhat similar to this?

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Member116379

Thank you for the reply @Puck :) it was exactly what I needed to read!!

 

I have had sex before, but only a handful of times. I'm aware that sex isn't usually amazing the first few times anyway, but admittedly at the time, I did wonder what all the fuss was about haha. I also wssnt sexually attracted to him either and lost my virginity to him out of 'obligation' and opportunity (house to ourselves, we'd been together a while and hadn't so I felt I should etc). This wasn't something I actually necessarily realised at the time; I just thought it was normal to be anxious and feel that way before something so daunting. But looking back, I've realised that WOAHHH asexual alarm bells were ringing!!

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2 minutes ago, k_pixel said:

Thank you for the reply @Puck :) it was exactly what I needed to read!!

 

I have had sex before, but only a handful of times. I'm aware that sex isn't usually amazing the first few times anyway, but admittedly at the time, I did wonder what all the fuss was about haha. I also wssnt sexually attracted to him either and lost my virginity to him out of 'obligation' and opportunity (house to ourselves, we'd been together a while and hadn't so I felt I should etc). This wasn't something I actually necessarily realised at the time; I just thought it was normal to be anxious and feel that way before something so daunting. But looking back, I've realised that WOAHHH asexual alarm bells were ringing!!

So glad I could help :D

 

Yeah, I think that's a common feeling when asexuals have sex... I would NEVER tell anyone they should give it a go to see unless they were %100 comfortable doing it, but it is SO telling when it's just so not something that one is interested in, isn't it? :P

 

What's always hard is that it's true that it can be repressed, but there are those of us (like me and sounds like you!) who just don't want to have sex so we might just be giving into that feeling of obligation and end up doing either more harm then good or just not doing what's best for us.

 

I have a RL ace friend who is dating another ace and the way my friend tells it just makes me want to scream THAT'S WHAT I WANT! She says the relationship is great because there is no pressure for sex, she can just enjoy her partner and be blissfully in love without any of the stress or expectation. I'm NOT saying that asexuals and sexuals can't date successfully (there are plenty on this site that do!), but it's comforting to know that that possibility is out there and it's ok to want it :P

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Someone Else

If i were going to fantasize, I wouldn't involve myself in those fantasies.  I don't try to "live vicariously" through a guy in a fantasy.  I always thought that was weird but a number of aces do it too, especially with celebrities.  
as for anxiety creating barriers, well, I have a lot of social anxiety, but I still want to be social sometimes.  With sex, I can't picture doing it just because I become confident, so I figure anxiety isn't causing my lack of interest in sex. 

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