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k_pixel

Relationship with sexuals

10 posts in this topic

Asking anyone who's ever been in a relationship with a sexual: when (if at all) did the lack of sex become a problem for your partner? My boyfriend has reassured me again and again that he won't force me to do anything etc and he loves me regardless. But at the same time, we have only been together for just over 5 months. And no I'm not being all doom and gloom; I'm just preparing myself for the time when he inevitably will want sex and I'll have to decide if a) I want to and b) if I do it for him or not. At this moment in time, I don't feel that I am willing to simply have sex or do certain sexual things simply for him. Sure that may sound pretty heartless to some and seem like I don't love him or don't want him to be happy. But that is simply not true at all. I've always believed that, barring certain and unavoidable things, you should never do anything you really don't want to

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My sexual boyfriend was not happy with sex once a week, he would have preferred more. I never told him that I'm ace, but just didn't "offer" him more than once a week, and we weren't comfortable enought with each other to really discuss sex in any way. I didn't like it and did things just to keep him happy and because I didn't want to even discuss sex: it was easier to just suffer through.

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My boyfriend knows how I feel bout sex, so he is pretty respectful even though he is a super sexual dude ... Lack of sex can be a lil frustrating for him , but it's not a big deal ! After all it's way better to jack one off than force me into doing anything

 

2 hours ago, k_pixel said:

I'm just preparing myself for the time when he inevitably will want sex and I'll have to decide if a) I want to and b) if I do it for him or not.

 It's a process. You should never do it only for him... You have to do it for both of you and only if you want it. Since I'm demi, I have sexual feelings towards my dude. Still It took me a long time to embrace those feels and decide that I wanted to do it, that I was ready to "give him my body". 

 

Even if you are ace and don't have sexual feelings... just be loyal to yourself. Cuz one it's done it cant be undone

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I was in a relationship with a heterosexual man. I was fine doing sexual things for him/with him until it became obvious that he didn't regard me with the same consideration and generosity. His present to me one year for my birthday was me giving him sex. Obviously it didn't happen. But when he still asks for it even after I am visibly upset and refuse. That's when I realized how little he actually cared. For the record though, I don't think he was smart enough to understand or care. 

 

My current boyfriend is more demisexual. He really doesn't care about sex at all. He finds it mostly boring. But we engage in sexy time. I like pleasing him. And it's less about sex and more about control. But he's always checking in with me to make sure it's what I want and if I'm enjoying myself. He's respectful and considerate in and out of the bedroom. So even though I don't really gain any direct pleasure from sex, I enjoy the time we spend together, and I enjoy the respect. 

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4 hours ago, Rokellia said:

I was in a relationship with a heterosexual man. I was fine doing sexual things for him/with him until it became obvious that he didn't regard me with the same consideration and generosity. His present to me one year for my birthday was me giving him sex. Obviously it didn't happen. But when he still asks for it even after I am visibly upset and refuse. That's when I realized how little he actually cared. For the record though, I don't think he was smart enough to understand or care. 

1

Wow, sounds like a jerk.  I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( 

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11 hours ago, k_pixel said:

 I don't feel that I am willing to simply have sex or do certain sexual things simply for him. Sure that may sound pretty heartless to some and seem like I don't love him or don't want him to be happy. But that is simply not true at all. I've always believed that, barring certain and unavoidable things, you should never do anything you really don't want to

I don't understand why people would find this heartless.  I think its heartless to expect someone to do something they are uncomfortable with for someone else.  There are many ways in a relationship to show love besides sexual activity.

 

11 hours ago, k_pixel said:

Asking anyone who's ever been in a relationship with a sexual: when (if at all) did the lack of sex become a problem for your partner? 

It never became a problem because we had an open relationship.  I think it is rare to find one person who can satisfy every desire another person, whether those desires are social, emotional, sexual, etc.  I only wanted emotional intimacy from my partner and made it clear that my partner could seek sexual intimacy with other people.  It worked for us for the duration of our relationship and was not a factor in its conclusion.

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When I was last in a relationship, I had sex to please my partner and it was the worst decision in my life.  I will never have sex simply to please another person even if I was head-over-heels for them.  My partner at the time said he was fine with having no sex when I brought up being asexual, but I knew he really wasn't because we had already fought over the fact that we couldn't even bathe together without him expecting something.  

 

So, I'm extremely hesitant to date a sexual person.  As someone who is highly monogamous I could never share my partner emotionally or physically yet I can't guarantee that I would put out for them because I can't guarantee that I would ever seek them out intimately other than just wanting to please them.

 

If your partner ever feels that the lack of sex becomes a problem then both of you should discuss the future of the relationship, such as if you're willing for him to seek sex outside of the relationship or if you're willing to have sex to simply please him, or if the relationship should end as both of you may have different needs and desires that there's no compromise for.

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My spouse and I were on and off for a few years before we got engaged and pregnant, nearly at the same time. 3 days before I realized I was pregnant, I was exhausted, and wanted nothing to do with sex. That was the first time he was upset with me. Not much has changed in 13 years, except the rate at which we now "do it" is significantly less.

He asked a few weeks ago if it were up to me, would we ever have sex again... my answer was no. He's been upset with me since. I was just being honest. I'm even willing to compromise and have sex, it just isn't my preferred method of intimacy. Our relationship is growing more and more strained, though. I don't imagine we'll last much longer, and in that case, I won't ever be with a sexual person again. It's too much for me to handle.

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The lack of sex was never really a problem at first for my partner (because I gave it to him), but it was a problem for me.

The problem was I grew up in a pretty conservative house with absolutely no knowledge of sex, so when I first got with my boyfriend at 18 or 19 I thought that boys wanted sex something like once every two weeks, because that's about how often I got aroused at the time. 

But oh no, this boy wanted sex Every. Single. Night. Every night! 

For me, it was torturous. The physical act wasn't bad, I could actually enjoy it more often than not. But the mental aspect was awful. I had to "pretend" I was into it even when I wasn't, and I always left feeling used, like I was just a toy for him. 

 

I did eventually have the nerve to ask him to cut it back to about once a week...and his reaction was not good. He thought it was because I lost interest in him, not sex. I didn't have the nerve to tell him I had very little interest to begin with. 

 

About a month later he basically made fun of my lack of sex drive, and even as a joke it hurt my feelings. shortly after I dumped him. Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't understand you, or at least try to. 

 

 

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I say this often in your posts, I think!

But my boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and sex has never been an issue between us. The only "issue" there was, was my insecurity and fear of abandonment for being "broken". I even offered him the option to open up our relationship a few times, but he's refused it every time.

 

He loves me a lot and says he doesn't want to lose me over sex.

 

I know a lot of mixed relationships don't really work out, but you have to stay strong and be honest with him always. If he makes you feel secure and safe, tell him your doubts. Let him in on how you're feeling, and let him talk to you about how he's feeling.

If he says things are okay, you have to do your very best to see the glass half full. I know it's really scary, and intrusive thoughts make that really hard; but relationships are built on the foundation of trust. So trust, trust and communicate!

 

Good luck!

Take care!! ;w; /

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