SilverFlower Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I found my way to this site through a link in an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Bella DePaulo. Bella, as some of you probably know, hosts a website all about embracing being single and child-free as positive life choices. She calls it being, "single at heart" and I have really been enjoying her writings lately. I have always known that I had zero interest in motherhood and I figured out by age 30 that I really wasn't even interested in getting pair bonded in any kind of til death do us part way. Now, at 55, I feel like my life is trending toward taking this "singleness" one step further into asexuality. I am wondering how much of an overlap there is between people who are single by choice and asexual people. I realize that it is quite possible to be a confirmed lifelong single who is still sexually active and also possible to be an asexual person who does get pair bonded and even have kids. But it would seem like there would be some overlap in the Venn diagram in there somewhere. What do you all think? Are most people here single (or wish they were)? For me, it's not just that I don't feel any interest in sex, it's that I really don't want another person in my bed when I wake up. And I would like to get a full night's sleep without having to deal with someone else's trips to the bathroom, snoring, and blanket thievery. Am I just turning into an old curmudgeon? Link to post Share on other sites
arowace Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 As an aromantic asexual I haven't ever had a relationship and probably never will. I just have no reason to. Or at least, no conventional reason to. And it's probably my own bias speaking but I think that a lot of ace people are also single. Link to post Share on other sites
SilverFlower Posted July 18, 2017 Author Share Posted July 18, 2017 Some of the things Bella is talking about on her site I think really apply to ace people regarding just what you said about having no reason to have a relationship. It used to be that being single past the age of 25 was considered some combination of pathetic and suspicious particularly for women. I wonder how many asexual people in years past were pressured into getting married and having a family just because there were not many viable alternatives. Link to post Share on other sites
daisylove Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Interesting topic, though I have seen more of a mix (at least on this site) of married and unmarried people... even more virgins than maybe typical in the LGBTQA spectrum. When asexuals don't get pair bonded I think its many times because there just aren't that many asexuals around, and some of us will not compromise (after our epiphany) and be sexual in order to be in a relationship. When I joined this site back in 2013, I didn't realize that there were asexuals out there that would knowingly and deliberately have sex in order to stay in or maintain a relationship.... their sexuality didn't take precedence over being coupled with another human being. For me personally, there would be no way that I would do that, however I do respect people choice to do so. It's what motivated me to put a very clear personal statement in my profile that I would never be sexual, and am actually sex repulsed. Not suggesting that anyone would want to anyway, but I wouldn't want someone pawing at me either (other than non-sexual hugs/embraces) or trying to kiss me etc etc. So THEN after all of that we add the extra layer of compatibility. Its like finding a needle in a haystack at my age (also 55) and its not likely to happen. I teeter a bit between your position as well though. I don't know how "worth it" a relationship would be at this stage of the game. My days are already pretty full with stuff to do, plus I am becoming more and more of a homebody. I traveled a LOT when I was younger, was out and about constantly till maybe 45ish so the other part of it is probably that I have changed too. Link to post Share on other sites
SilverFlower Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 The stereotype has always been that women give sex to get the commitment they want from a guy while guys give the commitment in order to get laid. I always though that was overly simplistic and way too transactional. Besides my life has always run counter to that with guys trying and failing to get me to "settle down" and me wanting my freedom. But yes, I'm sure there are a lot of people, especially pre-internet folks like me who never knew that being ace was even a possibility much less "a thing" and so they go along with the cultural norm and blame any lack of satisfaction either on themselves or on their partners. This chicken vs. egg question came up on another thread and it is interesting. Do you avoid relationships because they might lead to sex or do you avoid sex because it might lead to a relationship? My impression from what I'm hearing around this forum is that more ace people start out being averse to sex and, as they get older, this leads to ending up single but being fine with that too. My path seems to have been from the opposite direction. I have always been pair bonding averse and, as I'm getting older, this is leading to being ace and I'm fine with that. Different paths to the same destination. Link to post Share on other sites
daisylove Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Yeah I'd tend to agree that being averse to sex has led to relationship problems and then singleness as a consequence for many that post here. For me personally, I don't want a long-term cohabitation type situation, which is what I think you're referring to when you say relationship. I cant really speak to avoiding sex, as when I finally embraced my sex revulsion its almost a non-issue, if that makes sense. Prior to that I honestly don't think I could pinpoint which came first for me, not wanting the relationship or not wanting the sex. They both just kinda commingled in my mind as something that made me freakish and "broken" somehow... like things I needed to overcome. The other stuff surrounding being in a relationship outside of sex ... eghads! I have zero desire to waste time navigating that. I get so much more joy out of learning something new, taking a class, visiting an art museum, reading a book, helping those in need. Link to post Share on other sites
aeimquy159 Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 I enjoyed reading her books. I'm 90% single at heart. The other 10% is socialite's propaganda on what I should want. Link to post Share on other sites
SilverFlower Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 Socialite's propaganda? Not sure what you are referring to. Link to post Share on other sites
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