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Sex: Been There, Done That


SilverFlower

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SilverFlower

Hi Everybody,

Maybe this should be in the welcome forum but my question is specific to aging so I am introducing myself here.

 

Question: Is it possible to be an enthusiastically sexual person for 35 years and then lose all interest without there being anything physically or psychologically "wrong"?

 

I came of age in the 70s, after they invented The Pill but before they invented AIDS.  I grew up in a California metropolis with liberal non-religious non-judgmental parents one of whom took me to Planned Parenthood for my first Pill Rx at 15.  No hangups or guilt, sexual orientations were fluid (David Bowie was my hero), basically the only thing you could possibly be doing wrong about sex in that era was not having enough of it.  So I had lots.  I have had long term monogamous relationships and one night stands, I have broken hearts and had mine broken.  Some of the sex was awesome, some was awful, and a lot was just very forgettable.  Now, at the ripe old age of 55 :), I feel like I am just DONE.  Like that was a phase in my life and I have moved on to another.  As the tee shirt says, "Been there, done that, got the tee shirt".  I don't regret anything that I have done but I don't feel the need to do it again.  I climbed Mt. Kilimangaro a few years back and it was great but I have no desire to do it again next week.  That's how I feel about sex.

(And before someone assumes it's menopause, that was all over by my early 40s and I have had great sex since.  This new apathy has just happened since I turned 50.)

 

So far in my reading here, it seems like there are a lot of older folks who have always been asexual but are just now "coming out" to themselves and others.  I am wondering if it is possible to have such a "sea change" in one's orientation at this later stage in life.

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I think a low libido is pretty normal for people of a certain age. Your body naturally stops producing those hormones.

 

Sexuality is fluid, so I think it is possible to lose all interest in sex. But whether or not that makes one Asexual is a different matter. 

 

There are plenty of older folk here, and feel free to check out the 50+ forum. 

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SilverFlower

Hi Yato,

Oh boy, my first reply!

 

Yes, I did feel a drop off in sexual interest that happened with menopause.  I could (and did) still have sex but there was no longer any urgent sense of needing it.  But recently it has gone beyond that to, "Tonight I could have sex or I could organize my email folders.  I think I'll organize my email folders.  That sound like more fun."

 

I have been pondering about this change and I don't really know what to make of it yet.  I'm not really sure if the term "asexual" is applicable or not.  I'm hoping for some help from this forum in figuring this out.

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straightouttamordor

Very possible to embrace Asexuality in middle age. You may have known it was there long ago. A kind of emptiness after sex. Although you've been constantly told how fullfilling it was supposed to be. Now matter whom the partner was or what kind of variations you try it's a spectre no one csn fathom.

Does that come close to describing it ?

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SilverFlower

Yes, much of the sex I have had has been a bit underwhelming.  For the first 15 years of being sexually active, from 15 to 30, I never really enjoyed it much but it was just what you did to keep a guy interested, including faking orgasms.  My 30s however were awesome.  I had finally figured out how to ask for what I needed and I was probably dealing with more experienced guys who weren't in such a hurry.

Now I just feel like there isn't anything new or interesting about it.  It is not repugnant or disgusting to me.  I just feel totally apathetic about it.

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10 hours ago, SilverFlower said:

 I just feel totally apathetic about it.

Does the AVEN definition now hold true? i.e. do you not experience sexual attraction? There must be a difference between not experiencing sexual attraction and preferring to do other stuff (although I must admit preferring to organise your e-mail folders has to be quite a clue ;))...

 

Presumably it didn't in your awesome thirties? I suspect a change is possible, but yours sounds quite extreme. Not one I've heard of before.

 

PS More (gluten-free) :cake:

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I don't have the real answers.

I began questioning my sexuality in my late 30s after what maybe doesn't count as a lot of sex and relationships but still looks enough to say "yes, I had my fair share." Yes, I think I have been even enthusiastic about it for a while. 

But there is stuff I simply don't know, like: How would I react, if I lay next to somebody I like and adore + feel getting along with, day in day out? - The last meetup with somebody appearing to be a right person was 10 years ago. - Right now I would neither know where to seek sexually interested partners nor how to stuff them into my life but I am content.

 

Some things in life have their time, few interests last forever. Sometimes I walk through toy departments and regret but accept being old.

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Elderflower
17 hours ago, SilverFlower said:

Yes, much of the sex I have had has been a bit underwhelming.  For the first 15 years of being sexually active, from 15 to 30, I never really enjoyed it much but it was just what you did to keep a guy interested, including faking orgasms.  My 30s however were awesome.  I had finally figured out how to ask for what I needed and I was probably dealing with more experienced guys who weren't in such a hurry.

Now I just feel like there isn't anything new or interesting about it.  It is not repugnant or disgusting to me.  I just feel totally apathetic about it.

A drop-off in desire isn't unusual. The real question is do YOU feel you have a problem or have you simply matured/evolved/pick your term into a different sexual being? If you don't experience sexual attraction and you don't stress about it then asexual or maybe grey fits.

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SilverFlower
8 hours ago, Midland Tyke said:

Does the AVEN definition now hold true? i.e. do you not experience sexual attraction? There must be a difference between not experiencing sexual attraction and preferring to do other stuff (although I must admit preferring to organise your e-mail folders has to be quite a clue ;))...

 

Presumably it didn't in your awesome thirties? I suspect a change is possible, but yours sounds quite extreme. Not one I've heard of before.

 

PS More (gluten-free) :cake:

Well, I think if Tom Sellek happened to knock on my door and tell me that he had been pining for me since his Magnum PI days, I might be able to get interested but the odds of that happening are slim to none.  I don't feel attracted to the men I meet.  I wonder how much of that lack of attraction is due to the fact that most of the men in my age group are not aging well.  But I also don't feel interested in playing with the drawer full of sex toys that are left over gifts from various exes.

Thanks for the GF cake!  And for all the support and caring while I figure things out.

 

5 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

Yep, been there, done that, got the T shirt....and it says 'Asexy and I know it' ....:lol:

We should have some T-shirts printed up!

 

4 hours ago, Busrider said:

I don't have the real answers.

I began questioning my sexuality in my late 30s after what maybe doesn't count as a lot of sex and relationships but still looks enough to say "yes, I had my fair share." Yes, I think I have been even enthusiastic about it for a while. 

But there is stuff I simply don't know, like: How would I react, if I lay next to somebody I like and adore + feel getting along with, day in day out? - The last meetup with somebody appearing to be a right person was 10 years ago. - Right now I would neither know where to seek sexually interested partners nor how to stuff them into my life but I am content.

 

Some things in life have their time, few interests last forever. Sometimes I walk through toy departments and regret but accept being old.

Yes, this is what I am pondering too.  I really don't know what would happen if a highly compatible person came into my life but on the other hand I too am perfectly content without that.  I really do think that I am what Bella DePaulo calls "Single at heart".  

That is an interesting analogy about being old in the toy department.  For me, all the toys are still bright and shiny but there really isn't anything new or interesting there.  Thanks for helping me ponder.

 

2 hours ago, Elderflower said:

A drop-off in desire isn't unusual. The real question is do YOU feel you have a problem or have you simply matured/evolved/pick your term into a different sexual being? If you don't experience sexual attraction and you don't stress about it then asexual or maybe grey fits.

No, I don't feel like there is anything pathological going on.  I feel like the term "evolved" fits my situation best.  I don't mean to imply that asexuality is a "higher" form in any way but that's not what evolution really means.  It means adaptation too a changing set of circumstances.  My life circumstances have changed and asexuality is the adaptation that fits for me, here and now.  Hmmm.

 

My thanks to all of you for having not only this site but this sub-site about older folks.  This is really helping me to talk this stuff over with you all.

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Elderflower
1 hour ago, SilverFlower said:

No, I don't feel like there is anything pathological going on.  I feel like the term "evolved" fits my situation best.  I don't mean to imply that asexuality is a "higher" form in any way but that's not what evolution really means.  It means adaptation too a changing set of circumstances.  My life circumstances have changed and asexuality is the adaptation that fits for me, here and now.  Hmmm.

 

Exactomundo! Evolved doesn't imply superiority, just change.

Blessings from one flower to another!

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Elderflower

BTW Silverflower, I love your avatar -- looks like my dog.

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SilverFlower

That's the love of my life, Valentino.  We have been together for 11 years.

Thanks for helping a fellow flower work this through.

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Elderflower
8 hours ago, SilverFlower said:

That's the love of my life, Valentino.  We have been together for 11 years.

Thanks for helping a fellow flower work this through.

He (?) looks handsome. Dogs are such wonderful companions!

Much of your story sounds like mine. After several decades of experiencing (very modest) sexual desire, I now feel totally apathetic about it. I long for a relationship based on mutual interests and ideas and no sex. Cuddling and such, yes, but the men I know would not be happy stopping there. Maybe in theory I might want more but I doubt it. There's more I want to do with the rest of my life and I don't want to waste it on sex or anything else that holds no interest.

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SilverFlower
9 hours ago, Elderflower said:

 Maybe in theory I might want more but I doubt it. There's more I want to do with the rest of my life and I don't want to waste it on sex or anything else that holds no interest.

This^^^^is exactly how I feel.  This is what I meant by if "The Perfect Guy" (Tom Selleck as my stand in for that concept) happened to show up I would think about it.  Maybe, in theory, might, but I doubt it.

So, is that being asexual or just (as some of my friends are fond of saying) "You are just waiting for the right one".

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Oddly enough, someone asked me that once 'What would you do if the perfect guy turned up on your door? I remember it was about fantasy people like Tom Selleck, but i can't remember who I chose. The upshot is, I couldn't think of anything, so I just said 'I'd make him a cup of tea and put him on the mantelpiece to admire him.'

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Elderflower
14 hours ago, SilverFlower said:

So, is that being asexual or just (as some of my friends are fond of saying) "You are just waiting for the right one".

Sounds like what's known here as demisexual [feeling sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond]. I don't really like that term; it implies that one is somehow "half-sexual" and I cannot wrap my mind around that. Responding on an emotional level instead of a simply physical one isn't really demi, just different.

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jay williams

From my experience, sexual feelings and desires wax and wane. Yes, libido can get less as one ages, but that too waxes and wanes. Also, we can get out of the box and look at "sex" with a new perspective. For me, piv (penis in vagina) was never very exciting, and way overrated. However, cuddling---and experimental touches---is way underrated.

    

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SilverFlower
On July 19, 2017 at 2:27 AM, Elderflower said:

Sounds like what's known here as demisexual [feeling sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond]. I don't really like that term; it implies that one is somehow "half-sexual" and I cannot wrap my mind around that. Responding on an emotional level instead of a simply physical one isn't really demi, just different.

I agree that that term "demi" is kinda weird.  It is rather hard to locate one's place in "the official chart" when someone else wrote the chart.

For me, I don't think that term fits because I am not really looking for emotional bonds beyond the friendship level.  So, what does that make me,  "Gray-sexual, a-romantic"?

 

On July 19, 2017 at 3:47 AM, jay williams said:

From my experience, sexual feelings and desires wax and wane. Yes, libido can get less as one ages, but that too waxes and wanes. Also, we can get out of the box and look at "sex" with a new perspective. For me, piv (penis in vagina) was never very exciting, and way overrated. However, cuddling---and experimental touches---is way underrated.

    

Yes, I may just be in a waning phase.   But it's hard to know what is a phase and what is permanent when you are in the middle of it.  I agree that "piv" is way overrated.  I always responded more to other forms of contact.  Some people have said this means I am "secretly" gay.  No.  The chest I would like to cuddle on is a nice broad hairy one (a la Magnum P.I.).  I'm clear about that much in my own mind.

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