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LydiaSparrow

I think i screwed up by not wanting to...screw. (bad puns sorry)

8 posts in this topic

I dont know if trigger warnings are a thing here, i m sorry. This is going to be a description of a relationship, along with its ups and downs, references to romantic stuff and kissing, just saying for anyone that might not want to read this kind of thing. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, i ve been on and off with my boyfriend for 3 years now, since the start of high school, and now we finished. The first time we broke up was practically because i was ace, i had no idea i was ace and i kept avoiding him because i was feeling massively guilty and confused about not having the same "urges" he did. Stayed close friends though and talked about maybe getting back together after we figured things out with ourselves. Over the summer i found out i was ace and hesitantly told my group of closest friends, and finally i told him, and also told him that probably meant we were permanently over. During the school year i did my best to make sure things between us didnt turn romantic even though i really wanted it to happen because i knew i was gonna get up getting hurt and maybe ruining our friendship. However, one time he was over at my house, even after i told him he should stop trying because it was already hard for me to resist and i was gonna end up hurt from this, he initiated a make out session. I didnt stop it. The following day he told me we should pretend it didnt happen, and it hit me as i had predicted, harder that it should have. I was devastated for a time, and quite passive aggressive around him, but i went back to normal soon. Around january of that same year, (2nd year of high school) we decided it was worth another try. We broke up again well into the summer partly because of me being controlled of my guilt and insecurities again, and party because of him. Soon after that he made out with a friend of mine and of course that hit me hard. The thing between them was very short.

We went on holiday together cause he s in my group of very close friends. There, we ended up making out again, and decided to just enjoy our vacation and talk about "us" in a few days' time. We had a wonderful time and we were doing great, but when the time came to discuss it, what he said was " I know i want this now but i dont know what i ll want in a week" and he said we should stop entirely. I had built my hopes up stupidly so once more i ended up a crying mess and thank god for my friends being so imminently close and helping me deal with it quite efficiently. He did though see how deeply it had hurt me as we still had a couple of days of vacation left, and on the last day he told me he thought about it some more and that we should give it one more try. I said yes immediately, but during the day i realized i didnt feel that way, i was hesitant, not willing to kiss him and hold hands and in general i was really.... careful and on guard. So i told him that i dont want to after all, that probably i had learned my lesson and was finally thinking about my well being. Not with malice or anything, not dramatically. I just told him how i felt.

 

For the rest of the summer we hardly spoke at all, despite me texting him casually. I was still very careful around him and i ended up being somewhat cold for the first 3-4 months of the school year and even though we still hung out with the same group of very very close friends, we drifted apart. We never texted each other and that was phenomenal cause we used to talk all day long. I replied with one word sentences to whatever he said to me, turned away as soon as i could but i wasnt doing it because i was angry, I now think i was protecting myself from going through all of it again. Then in a halloween party i realized how distant i was being and approached him again. He was okay, but i noticed him texting a lot and he left a couple times to talk on the phone. I found out from a third person he had a girlfriend. I told myself i didnt care, and proceeded throughout the months till christmas reestablishing our friendship. By the time my birthday came in february, I knew i was (in love??) with him again. At my party we danced a lot and he gave attention that he hadnt given me in a while. My best friend drew me away and he reminded me to be careful and also to keep his girlfriend in mind. I felt super guilty even though we hadnt done anything and stayed away from him for the rest of the night. 

Soon after that, his girl broke up with him cause of family problems, but i found out later he had told my best friend he intended to break up with her. 
During Easter, we met up and ended up making out again. We ve been dating since then but we re not calling it a relationship in hopes of me not getting too attached and thus hurt if it ends, and also not so guilty over not wanting to have sex. 
Today he came over and we watched a couple of Harry Potter movies. It was great. After that we were hanging out and i was casually on his lap when he said:

-Its a shame. Such a shame.
-Whats a shame?
-That you dont wanna have sex.

Now he said that while laughing but he meant it. I laughed too, I didnt mind. But that kinda escalated because I was telling him the reasons I cant bring myself to do it ( i mean apart from my asexuality, like doing it for him ) and i said one of them was cause i was afraid he was gonna drift away afterwards. You see, he ll be going to a local uni while i ll be going away and when he talks about the future he jokingly hints that we wont be close.SO i cant bring myself to do this, that i would have to try super hard to convince myself to do in order to help our relationship if he is already certain this relationship isnt going to exist, even as a close friendship. 
I told him i dont doubt he cares about me, but i doubt he cares about our relationship, our friendship, us being in each others lives as much as i do. He got moderately annoyed and said i was wrong, but made it kinda clear he intended to be just friends after we started uni. We spent sometime mildly debating whether he cares as much as i do or not and then he left, not angry, but we didnt kiss goodbye or anything, he just tapped me on the head and said "You pissed me off a bit today, bye Lyds"

He texted me when he got home, and we talked a bit. I told him i was sorry and that i wish i wanted to have sex with him. He said i shouldnt be feeling sorry and that i am the way i am, he is the way he is and we ll try to make the most out of that. I said its my fault that we cant get some more. He said its okay we re just different. I said I m abnormal different and he texted me this :/ emoji. Then we played online video games together for a couple of hours. When we were done, we texted a bit about the game and then he logged off i assume to sleep. He didnt say goodnight or anything, even though we had just been talking. I m not jealous or angry i m just worried that i pissed him off today and ruined it again. I dont wanna ruin it again, i want to at least enjoy it for the summer while i still can. 

I wanna add some things:

 

Him and I are very very very close. He has lots of friends that are border-line acquaintances, i am one of the few he labels as actual friends and trust me thats something knowing him.

He is the person i am most comfortable discussing my asexuality with. I feel really bad that I m ace and even though none of my friends have ever given me a hard time about it at all, he s the only one i dont feel bad talking about it with.

He is the only one i dont feel i have to constantly watch over. I generally am the strong person in my friend group so i console everyone and dont really show my weaknesses easily. They know and they try to get me to unload but i feel i have to protect them and hardly ever do. With him, i can trust him to handle my troubles as i handle his without feeling guilty.

I am quite an anxious person so i might be overthinking everything and the whole text might have been quite confusing for you i m sorry.



 Again, something like a trigger warning, I am going to list the reasons i m finding a hard time talking myself into having sex with him, apart from what i explained above.

I know it will hurt.
I am afraid that because i wont be "feeling" the moment i ll be awkward and not know what to do, what to think, i ll be bored and anxious and stuff and make it unpleasant for him too on top of it all.

I m not comfortable with my......private parts.

I think those are the most important ones. Thank you so much for reading this hope i didnt wear you out. Sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes, its 5 am and its not my native language. I appreciate any help. Thank you all :D <3 

(sorry if this is the wrong place to post this)
 
 

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im sorry but to be honest he sounds like a completely and other fuckboi. Dont get me wrong you can be great friends with him but the fact that he completely ignored your no and initiated a first make out session then told you " let's forget it happen" are the complete signs of a sociopath in the making. I know I might sound drmaatic but hear me out - imagine if you werent ace and you did like sex all the time with the way he acts though god forbid you didnt want to do something like go to a baseball game you would feel horrible about it but you do not like baseball he would demand you would tolerate then he complain about you not enjoying yourself.

i know what it like to want to belong. to do things because it easier to fit in and you ebnifit from fitting in but tit's a 30/70 situation,  70% of the time youre fake 30% what youre getting doenst make up for the 70% of the time you're fake. Also you might not of piss him off becuase youre asexuality but and forgive me if this sounds harsh you wanted pity. " It's my fault it's my fault" - it's not your fault , youre not abnormal youre a competely 100% unique indiviual but youre nto broken unless you want to be broken. He like being around you when you  have something to offer him and you like being around him becuase he's your support but it sounds very very toxic. 

You should build a FRIENDSHIP with this person but if he crosses your boundaries or if he only want you around to make out that not a friendships...that a friends with benifits thing which in this case is not healthy. Your main problem is you think youre broken so youll cling to anyone who makes you feel unbroken. The only person who can fix that is you. You have to think what cause you to feel off and what you think your asexuality is taking from you you. Once you find what makes you feel off either advoid it until your ready and once you find out what you think your asexuality is taking away from you make a list than aso other asexual if they have those things. If they say yes it will prove you wrong and put you in ...hopefully better mindset 

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So I suppose my current position is similar to that of your friend, I am somewhat sexual, with mild, fluctuating intensity of sexual inclinations, but they never really come up in my relationship with my asexual friend/girlfriend/whatever. I personally would really love to have a close, friendly relationship with someone in my life after high school (I'm going into my senior year), but I don't really think my friend would be the person to do that with. Sex is the big thing that throws a wrench into my thinking about how we're less compatible and we wouldn't work well as a friendship after high school, and if she wanted to have sex, I don't know where this relationship would go because it would be different.

 

So I really empathize with your friend, but I think that you're both thinking about sex/sexuality differently than my friend and I do. When he brought up sex and said that your sexuality is "a shame", it definitely implies that you're causing a problem, but when he texted you he turned around and said it was just an incompatibility between the two of you. He seems to know that you're not interested in sex, but he doesn't really seem to accept it and move on, and it's something he thinks about occasionally regarding your relationship. 

 

I don't really know what you're looking for in a response, but if I would recommend one thing to you about your relationship with your friend, it would be to actually talk to him about the future of your friendship, maybe including talking about sex, but not necessarily. While it might be awkward or strange to talk to him bluntly, having a conversation about what your future together actually holds, without drama, and trying to avoid any kind of escalation that could result from that topic as seems to have happened in the past would probably lead to more comfort in your relationship afterward.

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4 hours ago, Megane said:

im sorry but to be honest he sounds like a completely and other fuckboi. Dont get me wrong you can be great friends with him but the fact that he completely ignored your no and initiated a first make out session then told you " let's forget it happen" are the complete signs of a sociopath in the making. I know I might sound drmaatic but hear me out - imagine if you werent ace and you did like sex all the time with the way he acts though god forbid you didnt want to do something like go to a baseball game you would feel horrible about it but you do not like baseball he would demand you would tolerate then he complain about you not enjoying yourself.

i know what it like to want to belong. to do things because it easier to fit in and you ebnifit from fitting in but tit's a 30/70 situation,  70% of the time youre fake 30% what youre getting doenst make up for the 70% of the time you're fake. Also you might not of piss him off becuase youre asexuality but and forgive me if this sounds harsh you wanted pity. " It's my fault it's my fault" - it's not your fault , youre not abnormal youre a competely 100% unique indiviual but youre nto broken unless you want to be broken. He like being around you when you  have something to offer him and you like being around him becuase he's your support but it sounds very very toxic. 

You should build a FRIENDSHIP with this person but if he crosses your boundaries or if he only want you around to make out that not a friendships...that a friends with benifits thing which in this case is not healthy. Your main problem is you think youre broken so youll cling to anyone who makes you feel unbroken. The only person who can fix that is you. You have to think what cause you to feel off and what you think your asexuality is taking from you you. Once you find what makes you feel off either advoid it until your ready and once you find out what you think your asexuality is taking away from you make a list than aso other asexual if they have those things. If they say yes it will prove you wrong and put you in ...hopefully better mindset 

I assumed people would get that idea beccause i kinda only talked about the things that trouble me in our relationship and didnt know how to actually establish that its not as bad as it sounds. You could call it toxic sometimes but really you cant imagine how okay he is with me being ace. I used to hate myself for it, he helps me come to terms with it more every single day i really cannot stress it enough. If he was a fuckboi there s no way he would still be around me knowing there s like almost no chance of having sex. He has his moments that are quite "bad" and thats what i talked about so they make the whole thing seem toxic but really how much can you expect from a 18 year old guy? He really wants us to be together and he s struggling with the fact that we cant have sex, sometimes he cant handle it well. Its not all flowers and clouds obviously but ... i think you get what i mean. I know him starting a make out session when i told him no was unacceptable but i justify it by imagining how much i wanted to kiss him and how hard it was for me not to, and assume he felt the same way but just couldnt hold it back. It was selfish i know, but i think i understand why. The forget about it was partly for me, he knew we couldn't work it out at the time and thought pretending it didnt happen would help me more than being in a weird unclear situation. I realise he thought about himself first at the time, but he s done enough for me that i think i am willing to forgive that but not forget it. I am way more careful and reserved with me this time around, i dont trust my emotional well being to him as i used to 100%.

Thanks so much for reading and replying !!!!!!

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4 hours ago, jstuli said:

So I suppose my current position is similar to that of your friend, I am somewhat sexual, with mild, fluctuating intensity of sexual inclinations, but they never really come up in my relationship with my asexual friend/girlfriend/whatever. I personally would really love to have a close, friendly relationship with someone in my life after high school (I'm going into my senior year), but I don't really think my friend would be the person to do that with. Sex is the big thing that throws a wrench into my thinking about how we're less compatible and we wouldn't work well as a friendship after high school, and if she wanted to have sex, I don't know where this relationship would go because it would be different.

 

So I really empathize with your friend, but I think that you're both thinking about sex/sexuality differently than my friend and I do. When he brought up sex and said that your sexuality is "a shame", it definitely implies that you're causing a problem, but when he texted you he turned around and said it was just an incompatibility between the two of you. He seems to know that you're not interested in sex, but he doesn't really seem to accept it and move on, and it's something he thinks about occasionally regarding your relationship. 

 

I don't really know what you're looking for in a response, but if I would recommend one thing to you about your relationship with your friend, it would be to actually talk to him about the future of your friendship, maybe including talking about sex, but not necessarily. While it might be awkward or strange to talk to him bluntly, having a conversation about what your future together actually holds, without drama, and trying to avoid any kind of escalation that could result from that topic as seems to have happened in the past would probably lead to more comfort in your relationship afterward.

This has been indeed really helpful and i will definitely try to do what you suggested even though i have a hard time preventing things from escalating. We talk 100% bluntly about both our friendship, our relationship and sex, but it usually ends up in a quite emotionally charged situation mostly because i worry a lot. 
He has quite a high sex drive so the thing between as has been difficult for him and i appreciate his effort i really do.
By shame he didnt mean i should be ashamed of it or anything, he meant it was just kinda sad that we re missing out on it, that the thing between us doesnt work only because we re that different sexually, and that he really wants to have sex with me and i dont. It was kinda harsh but he was just emptying his brain, i didnt mind. I m sad about it as well.

Thanks a lot for your time!!

 

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....after reading your response ...well i dont have anything nice to say but that you sound sound very young and maube lack experience. Im pretty sure youre just gonna have to learn the hard way. Please try to stay safe and best of luck.

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Hello,

 

I'm not going to try and make any assumptions about your guy friend. Only that if you say he is as supportive as you say he is, then that's a great thing. Also, he's probably just as torn as you are based on your accounts of his actions over the years. 

 

I would like to address your last three points. 

 

1) Be glad that it hurts. Because it means the emotions are real - at least for you. Be grateful that you have such a good friend for your high school years. And understand that the thoughts of him may never fade, but the pain will subside. Being confused is actually a great place to find yourself in because it means there's room for exploration and growth. Only you can decide what limits to set for yourself. 

 

2) No one here is going to suggest sex as a means of solving problems as a good majority of us are sexually abnormal. But don't be afraid of it either. If there's someone you trust, who respects you, then there's nothing shameful or fearful about it. It doesn't sound like he has your trust though, as you say you are cautious about him and his intentions/view of the future. So personally, I'd wait until I found someone more deserving of my time, energy, feelings, and possibly sex. Again, only if you want to. Only if you trust him/her. And only if he/she is willing to be patient with you, because it does take patience. Whatever you do in the future, whatever limits you set for yourself, whatever path you decide to move in, do it with a clear head and have confidence in your ability to make decisions and trust your feelings. If you are asexual, then chances are you wont enjoy sex for sex itself. Also, you don't have to decide anything with permanence right now. If you have sex, you can stop having sex. If you don't have sex, you can start. And of course, if you never have sex, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. You're healthy and human. And never let anyone tell you otherwise. Your body. Your life. Your choice. 

 

3) I wasn't comfortable with my private parts at your age. There's nothing shameful about body exploration. I didn't learn this until college. If you feel comfortable or curious, do some research. You do not need someone else for this part. And again, you're in control of everything. No one has to know but you. It sounds like you're just very inexperienced with the body in general. Not just with relationships or sex. All of that'll come with time and with allowing yourself to experience things as they come up. I've heard it said on this website that once you make a decision, it can't be undone. Which is true. But you can decide what decisions to make next.

 

To summarize

 

1) Appreciate what you have, understand that it'll probably end due to the situation of going to university, have faith that there will be more people who like you on any scale and are deserving of your time, and don't be afraid of what has yet to happen if it doesn't pose a real danger to you. 

 

2) If you want to, and have a great person to partner up with, have sex. If either one of those is lacking, you probably shouldn't have sex. Don't be afraid of it. If you act smartly, there's no harm done. It's just sex. If you don't want and never want sex, you're perfectly fine just how you are. Never let anyone pressure you into it. Never let it become an expectation. And realize that you have control when it comes to relationships of any type. 

 

3) Discover more about your body or the body in general if you're curious or want to. It's not shameful or unnatural. It might also help you feel more comfortable in relationships. You'll better understand your limits and wants. 

 

Lastly, there are many different forms of love. You deserve someone who will love you the way you want to be loved. Whether it's a platonic, non-intimate close friendship, or a very intimate romantic one. There's also no shame in trying out love and then deciding that they arent the one for you. It's just a part of life. And if you never want any kind of relationship, that's fine too. :)

 

I hope I have helped at least a little. You're still so young. Be excited for your future, whatever that may hold. Also, hopefully I have not said anything offensive to anyone. If I have, I'm sorry. I am a very romantic asexual in a very happy sexual relationship with a Demisexual. 

 

Also - always communicate! Sorry. Had to throw that one in. 

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A couple points I'd like to say:

  • don't hate yourself for being ace, if that's who you are, just be you!
  • it's okay if you're confused right now, because 99% of high school is being young and confused.  seriously.
  • I don't know if you were talking about sex mentally hurting or physically hurting, but sex shouldn't hurt physically if you're ready for it and doing it "right" (that's another discussion)
  • don't compromise who you are for someone who goes back and forth like that (seriously, that's a jerk move)
  • be kind to yourself, you're still young and figuring things out

Good luck with everything.  Hope you find answers and peace. :)

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