How do I initiate sex subtly?

[TheAsexualSexual]

Hi! New here, so sorry if this is the wrong place for this. I'm dating a trans woman who is asexual. I'm demi, in the way that I only feel sexual attraction when I love someone, but I feel STRONG sexual attraction to those I love romantically. This means I'm the sexual in our relationship. 

 

My problem here is that I don't know how to initiate sex, but she wants me to. We're both women, but I'm the top. This is definitely no problem for me (save for the fact that I'm cis and lacking the penetrative parts). She says that she loves when I initiate and recently complained that I'm leaving the initiating to her. But in the year and a half that we've been dating, the second I try to initiate, she gets turned off because of the pressure of sex. I've told her that if I'm trying to kiss her and stuff that it doesn't always mean I want sex. I actually have a pretty low libido compared to her past gfs and I think thats why this still (somewhat) works. A recent argument basically ended with me telling her that I wasn't initiating sex anymore, but thats not what she wants.

 

To combat the lack of a penis on my end, we have looked at various lesbian-friendly strapons we could get. She has even put in a few recommendations herself! But the second we're near any kind of shop that we could buy that stuff at and I suggest going, she either goes "maybe later" or decides to go in when she knows we don't have the money to purchase anything. Also, I'm apprehensive about spending $150+ on something thats just going to collect dust.

 

So I guess there's a few problems I'd like some advice with. 1. How do I initiate sex subtly? Something that won't immediately turn her off. I've done it a couple times before, but I don't understand how. 2. How can I bring up going into sex shops with her more? I don't want to force it, but even she says a new toy might help (then she drops it and doesn't bring it up for months).

 

Thanks.

[Lord Jade Cross]

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[ChickenPadSeeEew]

She sounds like she wants to give you sexual intimacy but freaks out when steps towards that are taken. So I'd say it's unlikely that subtly in how you suggest sex is the issue. She might get anxious at any suggestion, regardless of how softly you tread. 

 

One way to reduce her anxiety might be to take her out of the sexual action but be a supportive participant instead? Like, ask if she could hug you/squeeze your hand/rub your back while you do things to yourself? Make it clear that she won't be required to do anything, so the pressure is off. Gradually, she might get more comfortable and she might decide to try a few things. 

[MrDane]

7 hours ago, ChickenPadSeeEew said:

She sounds like she wants to give you sexual intimacy but freaks out when steps towards that are taken. So I'd say it's unlikely that subtly in how you suggest sex is the issue. She might get anxious at any suggestion, regardless of how softly you tread. 

 

One way to reduce her anxiety might be to take her out of the sexual action but be a supportive participant instead? Like, ask if she could hug you/squeeze your hand/rub your back while you do things to yourself? Make it clear that she won't be required to do anything, so the pressure is off. Gradually, she might get more comfortable and she might decide to try a few things. 

My thougths excactly. She wants you to take initiative, but she cant handle it when you do. Try the "will you be there with me while I masturbate?'

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like in actual fact she doesn't want to have sex. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be on the receiving end of penetration or buying a strap on would not be such a lengthy and complicated project. Speaking for myself I would never want to penetrate someone who was not really enthusiastically into it, especially since I'm a ciswoman too. The pleasure of the person wearing the strap on is mostly from enjoying their partner's reactions. If you want a strap on because you are turned on by wearing it, you can just go to the store by yourself and buy yourself one. If you get the kind where one end has a bulb that stays inside you, you will probably have more actual sensation, but that's your personal preference. And then you can wear it by yourself, or you can masturbate with it, or you can wear it for show during whatever sexual activities you may already be doing together. And maybe you could ask her politely if she would be willing to give you a blow job. Or if wearing a strap on is supposed to be about her pleasure you might as well skip the whole thing. But either way I think you should tell her that if she really wants to be penetrated she will have to be the one to ask for it, and stick with it. If you want to be on the receiving end of penetration maybe a handheld toy would be a better bet.