MagicalSkye Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 I've been the asexual (or demi. or something. I have no idea, it's somewhere in the ballpark) in an ace-hetero relationship for 4 years. He puts up with me basically never wanting to have sex and says he's okay with it, we've talked and do talk about it regularly and we're quite good at letting each other know how we feel. So this bit is actually okay for now, which is fabulous. I'm still having trouble with feeling a little physically sick when I remember that there's obviously stuff he does for his own personal sex life on his own. (I really hope that's hinting directly enough. Please don't make me specify >.<) I think it's part sex-repulsion and part I'm-insecure-as-heck. (I, regrettably, tried to talk to my mother about my asexuality once. She likes to bring it up regularly to remind me that I can't possibly love him and that the relationship will break down soon.) It's not something I want him to change, because I know that would be wrong, it's not my business, and he needs to be happy too. I want to work towards feeling okay about it, with a solution that ISN'T just "pretend it doesn't happen" or "get over it" or "don't be stupid." I know that it's silly and illogical to let something that has nothing to do with me affect me, but it IS affecting me and I would like help to move forward from there. What can I do to make peace with the fact that he has a sex drive? (oh man I sound so dumb.) Please be gentle, scary new online community. Link to post Share on other sites
Redshirt Jim Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Welcome AVEN is not a cruel community. Trust me. :))) You'll find supportive people here.^^ Eh...talk to him? Discuss your boundaries. It's not black and white. And also depends on the two of you. Also your feelings. It's not exactly black and white either... That's all I can offer. Sorry if it's not helping. Live Long and Prosper. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 ^ I'm not exactly sure where boundaries and consent play a role in taking care of things on your own... OP, in what way is it affecting you? How does it make you feel? What exactly is the problem? Sometimes getting to the core of the problem is the most helpful part of finding a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Redshirt Jim Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 51 minutes ago, Homer said: ^ I'm not exactly sure where boundaries and consent play a role in taking care of things on your own... Hmm...maybe I misunderstand the consent part. But maybe talking to him might help? Quote OP, in what way is it affecting you? How does it make you feel? What exactly is the problem? Sometimes getting to the core of the problem is the most helpful part of finding a solution. Agreed. That does seem more logical. I think I just sound dumb. Oh well :))) Link to post Share on other sites
MagicalSkye Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Sorry if I confused you, VD! I'm having problems with how I feel about what he does when he's by himself, I'm fine with how we are when we're together. I'm not sure exactly what it is. It makes me feel grossed out, sort of a little betrayed?, makes me worry that I'm not good enough. It's like...isn't that supposed to be a thing just for us? It's not helping that I don't do anything remotely similar myself. So when people are like "it doesn't mean anything", I don't understand properly. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Quote ^ I'm not exactly sure where boundaries and consent play a role in taking care of things on your own... The element of "insecurity" the OP mentions most likely refers to the fact that other people are involved somehow with him taking care of things on his own, whether that means the relationship is open or something more one-sided like viewing porn of other people (I'm guessing it's something more like the latter) Quote It's like...isn't that supposed to be a thing just for us? It isn't really "supposed" to be anything. Each couple decides that on their own. There are many potential things that a person might keep only for their partner, not just sexual things. This is what intimacy is all about and is why having sex with another person isn't the only way to cheat on someone. Link to post Share on other sites
MagicalSkye Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 7 minutes ago, Philip027 said: It isn't really "supposed" to be anything. Each couple decides that on their own. I meant, like, to me sex is special and personal to a relationship. So it sort of feels like his stuff is devaluing whatever we might have somehow. (Still not claiming this is a logical way to think, just trying to explain how I feel :3 ) Link to post Share on other sites
Confused.Kitten Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Im sorry to ask ... but you mean, it bothers you that he masturbates? Or is there another person? Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, sexual guys enjoy that alone time... at least if the mood strikes , my boy can't really focus on anything else till he jacks one off. But it's okay that he does it, IF IT'S BY HIMSELF. Im discusted with the idea of him having online sex with people from a chat. I dont want him to have interactive masturbation seshes with anyone else. That feels like cheating . If that's your case , tell him that... now if it's regular porn masturbation, you have to make some effort... You have this long term relationship with a dude that looks so respectful ! Just, try to not overthink bout stuff, alright? Link to post Share on other sites
MagicalSkye Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 No one else involved :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 If he has a libido and his body does what it is supposed to do, it will produce semen. He has to get rid of that at some point. It's not any different than taking a shit. Stuff will be released sooner or later and I think it's better to take a shit in private than to crap your pants in public This has got nothing to do with you not being good enough or whatever. It has to be done, whether you like it or not. This is nothing personal by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
Digs_Dead_People Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 You may just need to look into why masturbation bothers you and especially why his masturbation bothers you when he's not cheating on you and not bringing someone else into it. If it causes great emotional stress then you may need to rethink the relationship. =/ I can't readily understand because I'm only against a partner bringing in another person and live chatting someone to get off (porn is an entirely different thing in my view). It seems like your guy is committed to you and just needs to rub one out on occasion to keep the pipes clean. Maybe trying to think of it as that way can help you? Most bodies have basic biological needs and masturbating is often one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Quote (porn is an entirely different thing in my view). That could very well be the issue, here (assuming that is what's going on in the OP's situation; we don't actually know). Just because it's an "entirely different thing" to you does not make it so to others. For some people, their partners seeking porn of other people *is* a form of cheating, or at least a means of breeding insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
Digs_Dead_People Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 2 minutes ago, Philip027 said: That could very well be the issue, here (assuming that is what's going on in the OP's situation; we don't actually know). Just because it's an "entirely different thing" to you does not make it so to others. For some people, their partners seeking porn of other people *is* a form of cheating, or at least a means of breeding insecurity. Which is why I added "in my view". I'm highly aware people have more extreme views of porn and things that have pornographic scenes in them. If a person finds porn to be a form of cheating then they need to talk to partner and if they're unwilling to engage in sex with their sexual partner then they need to reevaluate that relationship because it's highly unfair to expect a sexual person to refrain from any form of sexual act. Again, all in my view. People are highly individualistic and compromise needs made. If it causes issues then help should be sought and the relationship looked over. Link to post Share on other sites
Rhyme Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I think I get what you're talking about, and I'm about to get into some weird metaphors (I refuse to talk about strangers having sex) to explain myself and try to understand. I'm not getting into the whole sex-repulsion thing, because that's not something you can change. This is under the assumtion that you do things together? It was kinda unclear. If that's a mistake, then ignore ALL of this. Sex is not a thing in this alternate universe (get it out of your head, don't think of it), instead, you watch nature documentaries together. He's a total nature geek and loves it, and you watch them with him because you love him and you think that the documentatires aren't so bad. This is a ritual you do once a month (this is getting weirdly specific), and it's something that's a thing between you. Then, he starts to watch the outtakes and behind-the-scenes and some other nature-related stuff by himself. Except, he's not starting, because he's been doing it since he discovered that David Attenborough and sloths were a thing. It feels like he's taking away from this nice ritual you have together, because it's something special to you even though you don't like actually watching the documentaries as much as he does. It's totally okay and valid to feel that it takes away from your thing, but in reality, it doesn't. He knows that you don't love the documentaries, so he watches some things by himself. It's not enough for him to watch once a month, he needs more. Here's the deal: if he didn't think that watching documentaries with you was great, he'd be doing it by himself all along and not include you in it. Your documentary-watching-ritual is the peak, but that doesn't mean he can't watch the outtakes on the side to keep himself satisfied. At the end of the day, the only solution is to talk to him, and make him explain with words how he feels about all of this .. documentary watching. Have him explain why he does it, and how it relates to what you two have together. Even if feelings can seem irrational sometimes, it's okay to have them. Why can I never just write a couple sentences and leave it at that? Link to post Share on other sites
MagicalSkye Posted August 15, 2017 Author Share Posted August 15, 2017 Rhyme, that...oddly...even though it is the same thing that everyone else has said...really helped. Thanks. (Reading more explicit versions of the same explanation is not fun and honestly the explicit-ness probably made me less open to getting on board with what was written.) Recently I've started to feel really upset that I don't like nature documentaries. I wish I did. I feel like I'm missing out and I want to like them and enjoy them. So that's probably not helping either... I do like actual nature documentaries too Link to post Share on other sites
WaffleGrace Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Would it make you feel better (emotionally, ignore the squick for a moment) if he tried to include you more? Like if he told you when he was going to go watch a behind-the-scenes clip on his own, or if you were in the room more often while he was watching the outtakes? You might not like watching nature documentaries, but you might like watching him watch nature documentaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Sherlocks Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 On 7/14/2017 at 3:08 AM, MagicalSkye said: I've been the asexual (or demi. or something. I have no idea, it's somewhere in the ballpark) in an ace-hetero relationship for 4 years. He puts up with me basically never wanting to have sex and says he's okay with it, we've talked and do talk about it regularly and we're quite good at letting each other know how we feel. So this bit is actually okay for now, which is fabulous. I'm still having trouble with feeling a little physically sick when I remember that there's obviously stuff he does for his own personal sex life on his own. (I really hope that's hinting directly enough. Please don't make me specify >.<) I think it's part sex-repulsion and part I'm-insecure-as-heck. (I, regrettably, tried to talk to my mother about my asexuality once. She likes to bring it up regularly to remind me that I can't possibly love him and that the relationship will break down soon.) It's not something I want him to change, because I know that would be wrong, it's not my business, and he needs to be happy too. I want to work towards feeling okay about it, with a solution that ISN'T just "pretend it doesn't happen" or "get over it" or "don't be stupid." I know that it's silly and illogical to let something that has nothing to do with me affect me, but it IS affecting me and I would like help to move forward from there. What can I do to make peace with the fact that he has a sex drive? (oh man I sound so dumb.) Please be gentle, scary new online community. If you never plan on giving up sex or any sort of physical component and you know he is sexual you cant really be angry he does sexual stuff to get his urges out. Also this sort of thing has ended relationships before so its a very valid concern. Why generally if I am dating someone I tend to every so often give them something once in awhile even if I am not totally into it to keep them happy. Relationships are give and take. If you established your partner cant touch you, I don't see how you think you can dictate they also cant TOUCH THEMSELVES. You are basically saying give me everything and you get nothing from me. How is that fair to him? Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 On 14/7/2017 at 4:10 PM, MagicalSkye said: No one else involved :/ @MagicalSkye first, tmi-nsfw-sex warning! This is me, a sexual. I feel loved and I have occasional, scheduled, agreed upon, not to wild, quickie-sex with my ace-wife. (She could live without, but is ok with not to much). Once in a while I touch my self. I would compare it to scratching an itch. Sex is more like getting a scratch where you cant reach your self. And more like a scratch of your soul than just the skin. It can be a way to accept the partner is asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 OP, I can relate, as the idea of a partner watching other people (yes, these are real live people in porn, just cause it's recorded doesn't make it not a real person) really bothers me. I am extremely monogamous, so I don't want to see anyone else naked and I don't find other people appealing. So, for them to not only find other people that appealing, but to actively seek out other appealing people to get off to the bodies of... is ... yeah. Not a pleasant thing. For me, it feels the same as if they invited a person IRL into their bedrooms or something to masturbate in front of them, or were cybering with other people, etc. It's not sex, but it's still using another person to fulfill your sexual needs. If your partner can reassure you, that might help. But, mostly, you're just going to have to reassure yourself. Just keep reminding yourself he loves you and is with you. Because, honestly, even people who are totally satisfied with their sex lives still do solo stuff. So, it's nothing about you not being good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 How do you even know about the solo stuff? Does your partner tell you about it? If so, have you told him that it bothers you to hear about it and asked him not to talk to you about it? Or, on the other hand, do you keep asking him about it even though it's none of your business and you get upset by the predictable answers? Have the two of you not agreed on a system where you don't walk in on him accidentally? Or do you just get upset by things you imagine in your own head regardless of what may or may not be happening in reality? Link to post Share on other sites
kumiko_itoe Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Honestly whether or not you love him is a very personal thing. You just have to ask yourself. But I feel its truly amazing that he as a sexual person is able to understand and accept you as you are. Here's a little background experience of myself. I dated a fellow AVEN member for 2 years where we got serious - like bought a house and so on. But he suddenly couldn't commit so we broke up. Worst year of my life back then (its been almost 10 years and I still love him to be honest). Later on, I did try dating other asexuals but it just never worked until I met my husband who is totally not asexual. His sex drive was so high in the beginning it frightened the hell out of me but he managed to get me to fall in love with him and we came to a compromise. As long as he is able to get me into the mood we would do it (out of love I engaged a few times even when I really just didn't want anything). Otherwise we won't. It has been almost 5 years now that we have been together. I'd say his libido has come down so much that he rarely thinks of it now. We do have kids - which is another reason for his energy to be completely depleted as he is a very responsible father - he works hard, comes home and takes care of the kids so my parents can rest and I get to rest after work. A relationship doesn't necessarily need to go sour because one is sexual and the other is not. It all boils down to do you two love each other enough to see it through. (I know I am stated a newbie here.... just can't remember the original ID i used 12 years ago.... ) Link to post Share on other sites
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