Trans Musings & Rantings

[Toothlesss]

On 7/29/2017 at 3:49 PM, Light02 said:

I remember that a while ago on this forum we had a discussion in which we agreed that most of us (trans* people) are obsessed with or were obsessed as children or teenagers with stories about transformation.

I was obsessed with The Little Mermaid when I was 5.  

 

On 7/29/2017 at 3:49 PM, Light02 said:

they talk about wanting to transcend their human body

That sounds like me. I feel it's limiting in it's own ways i.e how your culture perceives you...etc.  

[999papercranes]

It's crazy how good I feel in more masculine/neutral clothes... I'm so comfortable and happy I could cry. Since I came out to my mom on Thursday, we went shopping and bought me some new clothes. I put them all in a certain part of my closet and I just stare at them, smiling. I got a shirt from the boy's section (yes I'm tiny) and it's so soft! 

Take this and the haircut I want, I'm sure everyone at school will think I'm a butch lesbian and stay the heck away from me lest I spread my LGBT cooties or whatever, but I don't really care at the moment. It feels so good to express myself how I want to.  I didn't even know how sad I was wearing feminine clothes until I tried on a blazer for a wedding event the first time that Thursday.  Guess who's gonna be rocking that blazer and dress pants in two weeks? This enby! 

[ChillaKilla]

In a shoe store...

 

Me: *picks up a skate shoe* *to myself, aloud* Oh, these are nice but they're an 8W and that's way too small...

Employee: We have other sizes... but that's a girl's shoe... *side-eye*

Me: oh *puts it down, tries to play it off like I didn't know, wanders away*

Me: *internally* yeah it's a girls shoe, and guess what? last i checked this is America aka land of the free and home of the bippity boppity back up and mind your own business before I diddly-darn drop kick you and your cis nonsense into next week, buddy-boy...

 

#PassableNBProblems

[Toothlesss]

2 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

In a shoe store...

 

Me: *picks up a skate shoe* *to myself, aloud* Oh, these are nice but they're an 8W and that's way too small...

Employee: We have other sizes... but that's a girl's shoe... *side-eye*

Me: oh *puts it down, tries to play it off like I didn't know, wanders away*

Me: *internally* yeah it's a girls shoe, and guess what? last i checked this is America aka land of the free and home of the bippity boppity back up and mind your own business before I diddly-darn drop kick you and your cis nonsense into next week, buddy-boy...

 

#PassableNBProblems

This is why I hate places where they gender shoes.. 

Also- our shoe sizes are gendered weird compared to most of the rest of the world. I got my converse off Amazon after trying them on in a store for the right fit just to save myself from this very situation .  I'm afraid some store employee would force me into the """"""women's""""" section just because I pass as female and want to get loafers/oxfords etc.. at some point. 

Meanwhile- the ushers at the (stage) theaters in Charlotte, wear oxford shoes or similar All The Time... regardless of biological sex or gender.... *sigh* 

[ChillaKilla]

@Toothlesss Since you pass as female you probably get more leeway to look in the men's than I do in the women's... nonconformity in people perceived as women is celebrated, while nonconformity in people perceived as male is shamed... All goes back to femininity being seen as inferior and a masculine woman is "elevating herself" but a man in a crop top/wearing nail polish is "degrading himself".

[Emery.]

Strange I didn't get this kind of comments yet... The "you're in the wrong section" comments. I do get strange looks though. 

[Was here]

Reading these posts, I realized something that kind of irritates me. Why do people look at people like thy're weird if they're one sex in the 'opposite' gender's clothes,, or "a man or woman in the wrong bathroom"? I get it, it's not polite to ask someone's gender in public, but especially with the bathroom thing, shouldn't it be obvious that someone is trans? I think most people know which bathroom to go into and would notice if they walked in the wrong one.

[Iota Tau]

So went to my first Weight Watchers meeting today. Signed up as male, and then did research on FTM Weight Watchers-ing. Looks like I should just start with the points they calculated, but if that doesn't work, decrease the number.

 

But I did lock up when I saw the male/female boxes on the form (especially since they didn't say sex or gender. Probably would have said gender, given the literature, though).

[Was here]

I'm sick of seeing all this stuff online about people arguing why people are trans and that thing about trump apparently banning trans people from joining the military. Jfc, can we just accept who people are and not give them shit because some people don't like the body they where born with?

[Emery.]

As always when I have holidays, I reached the conclusion to chill out and not care about others when it comes to gender, but I am painfully aware I am not able to make it work when the classes come. Now I'm chilling in a nice dress, and almost everyone I meet is aware of me being trans and okay about that. I can just be myself and not care. But when the classes come, oh boy...

[ChillaKilla]

Me: why am I in such a funk today?
*remembers it's T day*

Me: oooh yeah, my levels are as low as they've been in two weeks that'd do it  

 

I forgot to do it yesterday so I'm gonna be pretty moody until it gets in my system... give it an hour or two I suppose.

[Mezzo Forte]

3 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

Me: why am I in such a funk today?
*remembers it's T day*

Me: oooh yeah, my levels are as low as they've been in two weeks that'd do it  

 

I forgot to do it yesterday so I'm gonna be pretty moody until it gets in my system... give it an hour or two I suppose.

If you don't mind me asking, do you get mood swings around your shots? I only really noticed something like that happening when I had to take my shot a week late because of top surgery. That was mostly a dip in energy, and it wasn't noticeable until I was maybe 3-4 days late. The one thing I really notice that runs in a cycle with my shots is my acne. >>

[ChillaKilla]

42 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

If you don't mind me asking, do you get mood swings around your shots? I only really noticed something like that happening when I had to take my shot a week late because of top surgery. That was mostly a dip in energy, and it wasn't noticeable until I was maybe 3-4 days late. The one thing I really notice that runs in a cycle with my shots is my acne. >>

Yeah, apparently it's common to have a low around the time of your next dosage. I made a thread about it on another site and some people said switching to weekly versus bi-weekly made a positive difference, but it's not that bad (almost like a little reminder, haha) and weekly would be a lot to keep up with  Definitely at my most energetic 2 days-1 week after the shot. My acne has more or less stayed the same, guess some good has come of still being a teenager  

[Mezzo Forte]

1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

Yeah, apparently it's common to have a low around the time of your next dosage. I made a thread about it on another site and some people said switching to weekly versus bi-weekly made a positive difference, but it's not that bad (almost like a little reminder, haha) and weekly would be a lot to keep up with  Definitely at my most energetic 2 days-1 week after the shot. My acne has more or less stayed the same, guess some good has come of still being a teenager  

Glad it isn't bad enough to warrant weekly shots then.  I admit that there's times when I feel like a moody teenager though, and I wonder if it's just as normal a part of puberty 2.0 as it is 1.0  

 

I basically started HRT right around the point in my life where the acne from the first puberty just started calming down, go figure. Oh well.  

[nerdperson777]

On 8/1/2017 at 1:24 PM, ChillaKilla said:

@Toothlesss Since you pass as female you probably get more leeway to look in the men's than I do in the women's... nonconformity in people perceived as women is celebrated, while nonconformity in people perceived as male is shamed... All goes back to femininity being seen as inferior and a masculine woman is "elevating herself" but a man in a crop top/wearing nail polish is "degrading himself".

None of my relatives gave me any problems as a tomboy.  When I started questioning my gender, I was thinking that masculine girl was better than being a feminine guy because the guy had the negative connotation.  But now I'm like hell yeah feminine guy, not that my relatives know.  They just noticed that my hair got short and I looked like a younger version of one of my male cousins.

 

41 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Glad it isn't bad enough to warrant weekly shots then.  I admit that there's times when I feel like a moody teenager though, and I wonder if it's just as normal a part of puberty 2.0 as it is 1.0  

 

I basically started HRT right around the point in my life where the acne from the first puberty just started calming down, go figure. Oh well.  

I wonder if I'm having puberty 3.0.  1.0 is as everyone knows it.  I'm thinking that going to college was my 2.0.  I started exercising, eating fatty college food, gained 21 pounds at my max, leveled out at net 15.  My thighs even have stretch marks from them getting bigger off exercising and food.  The last couple years I even took multivitamins for natural transition so I had some body hair for the first time.  I also grew half an inch somewhere there too.  Maybe I should just call it 1.5.

 

I'm kind of wondering right now if I'm still growing, in height.  The past couple years I was a little over 5' 3".  A month or two ago I measured 5' 3.625".  (One of my jobs has those things on the wall to measure.)  How can I be still growing?  I always told people that I was 5' 3.5"  On Monday I measured 5' 3.75".  Unless that thing on the wall is sliding off slowly, I could be still growing.  Also, the shade thing in the car has always been at the perfect height for me to look straight in front of me and not have it blocking my vision.  I'm finding it a little low now.  I might have to angle it instead of making it vertical.

[Emery.]

So. I know what bothered me. I'm on a trip right now. It's hot, there us sea... and summer clothes are so freaking gendered! Exposed bodies everywhere! Havily gendered clothes! You just can't ignore that. And wherever you look, it's like you can't wear the opposite gender's clothes, because all the clothes just underline a certain figure So Heavily. Smart clothes are a tad better, though, at least in the FtM case. But darn. It's too hot to wear my guy clothes. Cotton is just too thick for this weather. At least I have those two extremely thin shirts with me... But. The interesting thing about this all is that in here people dress in such a heavily gendered way... a lot more than where I live... no unisex clothes, none. I can observe and learn at least  , get some idea what is what. That's the upside. 

[999papercranes]

Right now I feel like I have to choose between being safe or being happy... I've always made sure to keep myself under the radar, would always apologize for burdening other people with my problems. Do I rock the boat if I know there's a chance I could fall overboard? Even if the water below is dangerous? Or do I keep my life vest on, staying safe but never knowing if I could have the potential to feel truly happy with myself? 

I know I'm struggling when getting a haircut and a binder is giving me an existential crisis... 

[Starbogen]

23 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

Right now I feel like I have to choose between being safe or being happy... I've always made sure to keep myself under the radar, would always apologize for burdening other people with my problems. Do I rock the boat if I know there's a chance I could fall overboard? Even if the water below is dangerous? Or do I keep my life vest on, staying safe but never knowing if I could have the potential to feel truly happy with myself? 

I know I'm struggling when getting a haircut and a binder is giving me an existential crisis... 

Why do you feel the water is dangerous? What's be the worst that could happen if you got a haircut and a binder? Or..why can't you get them?

[999papercranes]

1 hour ago, Liebelit said:

Why do you feel the water is dangerous? What's be the worst that could happen if you got a haircut and a binder? Or..why can't you get them?

It's mostly other people that make the "water" dangerous. I try to tell myself not to care but I live in small-town Iowa and everybody makes it their business if you're different. If I do get a haircut and a binder, they'll probably assume I'm a butch lesbian and I've only just gained the respect of my peers. It felt nice to be liked... but I know that everyone's homophobic and transphobic here, except for maybe seven people. I can get the haircut and the binder, thank goodness (I came out my mom last week exactly) it's just that I'm a coward. I guess I'm just afraid of becoming that weird kid that has no friends again. The one that people side-eye in the hallways and murmur under their breaths at, "Is she gay or something?" I'm already emotionally sensitive as it is. 

[nerdperson777]

1 hour ago, Liebelit said:

Why do you feel the water is dangerous? What's be the worst that could happen if you got a haircut and a binder? Or..why can't you get them?

What are those shadows in the water?  Are they friendly seals and dolphins or angry sharks?

 

14 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

It's mostly other people that make the "water" dangerous. I try to tell myself not to care but I live in small-town Iowa and everybody makes it their business if you're different. If I do get a haircut and a binder, they'll probably assume I'm a butch lesbian and I've only just gained the respect of my peers. It felt nice to be liked... but I know that everyone's homophobic and transphobic here, except for maybe seven people. I can get the haircut and the binder, thank goodness (I came out my mom last week exactly) it's just that I'm a coward. I guess I'm just afraid of becoming that weird kid that has no friends again. The one that people side-eye in the hallways and murmur under their breaths at, "Is she gay or something?" I'm already emotionally sensitive as it is. 

Ah, the gay thing.  If people are more knowledgeable now, I hope that they'll say trans instead of gay.  When I came out to my high school friends, I was really hoping that they didn't think I was gay.  But nope, they got it exactly right.  I'm a trans aro ace.  The one who guessed was a questioning biromantic demisexual.  But I think they're all cis.

[Guest]

Spoiler just incase

 

AAHHH I HATE MY GENDER, can't take this crap anymore ._.

[Kimmie.]

15 minutes ago, Jayce said:

Spoiler just incase

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

AAHHH I HATE MY GENDER, can't take this crap anymore ._.

 

*hugs * You know yourself better than anyone else. 

[999papercranes]

49 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

Ah, the gay thing.  If people are more knowledgeable now, I hope that they'll say trans instead of gay.  When I came out to my high school friends, I was really hoping that they didn't think I was gay.  But nope, they got it exactly right.  I'm a trans aro ace.  The one who guessed was a questioning biromantic demisexual.  But I think they're all cis.

My friends are great and knowledgeable. I didn't even have to explain what "agender" meant to them. But I'm pretty sure 99% of my school's population only thinks of a man with a beard wearing a dress when they think of "transgender." I hear disgusting transphobic remarks made by these guys in my classes on the daily. (Let's not even get into their homophobia and sexism and racism.) I don't think they even know trans guys exist, much less nonbinary people. I feel like these people are stuck a few decades ago. 

Thus, they assume I'm a lesbian if I present myself in a masculine manner. 

Who knows. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic. But being pessimistic is easier than giving my hopes up over and over again, because that hurts. 

[Starbogen]

@999papercranes I'm sorry it's like that for you. This is high school right? I hadn't figured out my gender ack then but I did know I wanted short hair and a binder, and I didn't get them because... I don't know, no particular reason really but maybe it was just that deep down I was also afraid of what people would think. Even though in my school the majority of people would have probably been more openminded.

 

So anyway, I guess you have two clear options. Either you try to not give a damn about what other people think and just rely on your friends' support and do what makes you feel more comfortable with yourself now, or you wait until you're away from that environment. High school can be tough place to come out and be different, especially since all those people have known you forso long  and already have set ideas about you, and it seems like it would be even worse in a transphobic place like that. But once you leave that and go to university everything seems a lot more chill because the new people don't care and the old people if you encounter any would be more understanding of a change or would at least be irrelevant. The world gets bigger, and things like your classmates' opinions of you cease to matter.

[999papercranes]

8 hours ago, Liebelit said:

@999papercranes I'm sorry it's like that for you. This is high school right? I hadn't figured out my gender ack then but I did know I wanted short hair and a binder, and I didn't get them because... I don't know, no particular reason really but maybe it was just that deep down I was also afraid of what people would think. Even though in my school the majority of people would have probably been more openminded.

 

So anyway, I guess you have two clear options. Either you try to not give a damn about what other people think and just rely on your friends' support and do what makes you feel more comfortable with yourself now, or you wait until you're away from that environment. High school can be tough place to come out and be different, especially since all those people have known you forso long  and already have set ideas about you, and it seems like it would be even worse in a transphobic place like that. But once you leave that and go to university everything seems a lot more chill because the new people don't care and the old people if you encounter any would be more understanding of a change or would at least be irrelevant. The world gets bigger, and things like your classmates' opinions of you cease to matter.

It all comes back to being safe or being happy  I definitely can't wait until I go to college. I just hope I can gather the courage to be myself now. I don't want to wait a few years to feel happy, but you're right- high school (and especially my high school) is a hard place to be different. I can't wait to escape all of these people with these preconceived notions of who I am. 

At least I can hold on to the thought that someday I will be comfortable with myself, even if it's not necessarily right now, even if I can't be brave at the moment and I have to stay safe instead. 

Thank you so much for replying to my posts  It helps to talk with people who know a little bit about what I'm going through. I love my friends but they wouldn't really understand. 

[Was here]

Why can't people understand that trans people aren't "men dressing up like women" or "extreme tomboys/lesbians wanting to be boys", and that NB people aren't 'special snowflakes'? And yes, people can't change their sex completely and accurately, but ffs, they're doing the best they can to be who they want to be. Just because you're born male or female (or intersex for that matter) doesn't mean you like it. And if the problem is that people can't change they're sex, than maybe medicine and technology can advance more to do things better.

[butterflydreams]

Confession...

 

Sometimes I just want to lash out and say all of the worst things here. So that everyone will hate me. So I can shatter the positive role model people see. So I can leave everything. I could make you all hate me. I just can't seem to fix my life, and every time I dare to believe for a moment that I'm just like anyone else, I get struck down with so much force.

[Mezzo Forte]

15 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

Confession...

 

Sometimes I just want to lash out and say all of the worst things here. So that everyone will hate me. So I can shatter the positive role model people see. So I can leave everything. I could make you all hate me. I just can't seem to fix my life, and every time I dare to believe for a moment that I'm just like anyone else, I get struck down with so much force.

Good luck getting everyone to hate you on here. You've got a support network here whether you want it or not.  

 

I think it's kind of common to want to walk away from everything and start fresh, especially if you're struggling to fix something in your life. When the plate gets heavy, it's hard not to want to dump its contents to try and get a clean slate. I know that when you feel your lowest, you probably feel less deserving of the good connections you have, but you do deserve that support, and we're here to support you. Sorry to hear that you're on a low swing. I'm sending my hugs.  

[butterflydreams]

Thanks @Mezzo Forte. If I were a weaker person I'd surely unload on those who I perceived as having it easier, or complaining about nothing. You have no idea how much I fight that, and how hard it is. Obviously I don't know the whole story, but you know why I defend Blaire White? Because I could easily be her. Unfortunately, I'm too damn smart and I know it wouldn't make me feel better in the long run, shitting on others. She's younger and less experienced. She doesn't know that yet. I'm not mad at these other people, I'm mad that things have been so hard for me. Bitching other people out isn't going to help that. It's not going to bring my parents around, it's not going to put my sister back in my life. 

 

Rarely, I do vent my angry thoughts to my friend. Because I have to. Because I can't just hold it all inside and pretend like it doesn't bother me constantly. I never lash out here. I never say those things here. At worst, I sometimes hint at them. 

 

I think a lot of trans people, myself included, are damaged as fuck by transition. Damaged from the dysphoria, and damaged from the cure. Damaged in that we end up like this. Toxic from our own wounds. How could you not be?

[Starbogen]

@Hadley167 Something I just reach a point where I get tired of all trans related stuff and I just don't watch any videos about any of it or read anything about it or come here or anywhere else to talk about it because I just want it to not be a part of life anymore. Of course it's a part of life anyway but I think it helps to just ignore it as much as humanly possible sometimes and think about other things that you have going on, preferably things that make you feel good and that you enjoy. 

 

I don't think it's healthy to do this all the time but it's probably also not so good to be consciously carrying the weight of transition on your mind either. I would totally understand and relate if anyone just disappeared from this forum for a while or just stopped talking about trans things. You don't have to be a role model for anyone if you don't feel like it, you come first.

 

I get what you mean about feeling like you can't seem to fix your life but I do believe it can get easier eventually, even though I'm definitely not at that point yet either. The trans part of life sucks and we have to deal with that on top of any other more common issues we might have in our lives but for me it kind of helps to know that at least it's not really an impossible situation because lots of other people have been in my place before and it got better for them. Of course that doesn't mean it will get better for me necessarily but at least it means that things are not hopeless.