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ChillaKilla

Trans Musings & Rantings

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Tortuga

On pimples- “Dear pimples, if you’re gonna live on my face, I’d like to see some rent.” Why does evolution dictate that we get these blemishes on our faces and these scars thereafter? Please fix this. Sincerely, a teenager

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Tortuga
Just now, Tortuga said:

On pimples- “Dear pimples, if you’re gonna live on my face, I’d like to see some rent.” Why does evolution dictate that we get these blemishes on our faces and these scars thereafter? Please fix this. Sincerely, a teenager

And going through it twice? I just need the appropriate throw my hands up in disgust gif.

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nerdperson777

My acne seems to be mostly on my chest, right in the middle.  My face does seem more oily and fortunately there isn't acne all over my face, just some here and there.  I am sometimes in the shower trying to let pus out but then I get blood coming out instead.  I've had chest acne before, but I don't think it was ever this bad.  My face definitely was clearer before.

 

My aunt has been coming over for dinner a lot the past couple days since my mom is on a trip and they're not really compatible people.  I'm not out and dad is continuing to "reaffirm" that he has a daughter.  Of the relatives here, I seem to be her only "niece" so she's been calling me "girl girl" (translation) and it makes me feel bad.  I don't even know what to have her call me that wouldn't make me feel dysphoric.  The only other thing she could call me is my birthname, which I don't want to hear either.  She's been violating my personal space all day and she thinks it's okay because "family".

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SkyWorld

@nerdperson777 Sorry about your father and aunt. Family can be very difficult for some people when it comes to trans stuff.

 

Something I’ve been wanting to talk about, but spoiler for TMI.

 

I’ve been looking up a bunch of different FTM’s experience on their first week on T. A few of them have mentioned that their libido have increased.

And... a week on T and my non-existent libido is still~~ NON-EXISTENT!!! Maybe that might change in time? I don’t know... I’m kind of relieved, but also kind of sad.

If I suddenly had a libido, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do because of how foriegn that is for me. I’m kind of happy this part of me hasn’t changed. But I’m also kind of sad because even though before T, I already had above average levels of androgens and still lacked a libido. I used to be happy and accepted myself in regards to this, but lately I’ve just felt like my body truly is broken... That there really is something wrong with me...

I’ve never been aroused and I’m starting to think that my body is just not capable of such. This isn’t exactly what makes me sad, what actually makes me sad is that I’m just not capable to please a partner that I kind of hope to someday have. It’d be nice to find a fellow person with the same/similar lack of sexuality through and through, but that’s incredibly rare and the odds aren’t looking good in my favor. Let alone taking in account of actually clicking with each other.

I wouldn’t want to change this part of myself (lack of libido and arousal) because I feel fine and always felt fine. And yet, I only “low-key” want to change this part of myself so that I could increase my odds for someone to actually want to be with me? Which honestly sounds kind of fucked up to me, but it’s true... How is it any different than someone (Person A) changing themselves specifically not for the reason to make themselves feel better about themselves (and themselves only), but strictly for someone else (“Person B”) to only feel loved by someone? And yet doing so, if Person A succeeds, Person B wouldn’t love the “true” them, but someone else that Person A pretends to be to only feel some kind of love.

I’ve been trying to find a better way to cope with this. That I should love myself and not worry about others lovIng me. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to that as I would finally feel better in my own skin soon as I would start to look more masculine, which is so amazing to me that I could stop hating myself so much... Though, somehow I feel that even if I did love myself... still nobody would want to be with me. :lol: But yeah, that would still bring me back to just simply love and taking care of myself and not worry about others. Having better self-esteem and confidence is what I truly need, not for some person to love me. I know what I need to do, but easier said than done.

 

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Mezzo Forte
6 hours ago, Tortuga said:

And going through it twice? I just need the appropriate throw my hands up in disgust gif.

On the plus side, if you start an estrogen-based puberty, you'll actually have the opposite happen: your acne will likely clear up. A lot of cis women actually use birth control in part to manage acne.

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Mezzo Forte

@SkyWorld, in regards to your spoilers, I had a rather similar experience:

Spoiler

I had zero libido pre-T, and I definitely didn't have any libido during the first 8 months on T. However, while I don't know for sure if I really experience libido, something changed when I discovered that I was capable of arousal around month 8. One night, I don't know what compelled me to do it, I just casually decided to try masturbation, and that marked a change in how I experience sexuality. I still don't experience attraction, and I don't know if I really have a libido, but that was what made me really explore what was happening downstairs and feel that much more connected to my body. I can't exactly say that masturbation is an infrequent thing now, even if I'm unsure if any sense of libido is responsible at all for that.

 

To be honest, your lack of libido this early on T might be a godsend; most guys complain about their junk being way too sensitive to jerk off, yet simultaneously get stuck with an insatiable libido. By the time I started trying anything, the worst of the sensitivity had calmed down and I could check everything out without worry. 

 

Not a lot of people talk about experiences like what we have had, so I can understand why it can feel isolating to have this experience. It's okay though; this seems like the normal way for someone who had zero libido pre-T would develop. Let exploring your body happen at your own pace and out of self love. 

 

Remember, you're still in the beginning stages of HRT; you have a lot of changes to anticipate in the near future, and your body is going to develop at its own pace. Some things might happen slower for you than most; some might happen faster. You can anticipate a rough timeline, but you'll only know the details as you live them yourself. Those early stages can feel so slow, but everything really does build. Congrats on starting T. :) You have no idea how many times I've reached out to trans guys in my life about to start T just to offer my support, and I've always been glad to answer their questions and assuage their worries regarding transition. If you ever need someone to talk to about this stuff, I am always glad to help.

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butterflydreams
1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

On the plus side, if you start an estrogen-based puberty, you'll actually have the opposite happen: your acne will likely clear up. A lot of cis women actually use birth control in part to manage acne.

Can sort of confirm. Though I never really had much of an acne problem to begin with.

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butterflydreams

ARGH! I'm so sick of "down with gender" rhetoric. And trying to force raise your kids to be gender neutral.

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Lirpaderp
15 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

My acne seems to be mostly on my chest, right in the middle.  My face does seem more oily and fortunately there isn't acne all over my face, just some here and there.  I am sometimes in the shower trying to let pus out but then I get blood coming out instead.  I've had chest acne before, but I don't think it was ever this bad.  My face definitely was clearer before.

Same, my acne is on my chest and back with a little bit on my face. Except I'm not on T and unless I directly go behind my mom, I'll have to wait until I'm 25.... Before I went back to school she made me promise to keep putting it off. By the time she thinks it's acceptable for me, I'll be out of college (unless I stay longer to major in music too). But free counselling is available through the school and they have the power to write me a note that would make taking T (partially) covered by insurance.

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Tortuga
28 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

Same, my acne is on my chest and back with a little bit on my face. Except I'm not on T and unless I directly go behind my mom, I'll have to wait until I'm 25.... Before I went back to school she made me promise to keep putting it off. By the time she thinks it's acceptable for me, I'll be out of college (unless I stay longer to major in music too). But free counselling is available through the school and they have the power to write me a note that would make taking T (partially) covered by insurance.

Why do parents make us put it off till later? I can't start anything for years in the future- I estimate I'm gonna be 18 before I can go on hormones. I'm 13 now, december birthday. Woo.

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Starbogen
1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

ARGH! I'm so sick of "down with gender" rhetoric. And trying to force raise your kids to be gender neutral.

Right? What's wrong with having a clear and/or typical gender identity and/or expression? Just because gender doesn't exist to some people or just because some people don't like the idea of it and other concepts associated with it doesn't mean that it works the same way for everyone.

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Iota Tau
1 minute ago, Starbogen said:

Right? What's wrong with having a clear and/or typical gender identity and/or expression? Just because gender doesn't exist to some people or just because some people don't like the idea of it and other concepts associated with it doesn't mean that it works the same way for everyone.

I'm fine with them choosing that, I just don't want to force having a clear and/or typical gender expression at least. So they'll get to pick their clothes, and have unisex names.

 

I agree that I don't understand the people forcing their kids to be gender neutral though.

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Mezzo Forte
43 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

Same, my acne is on my chest and back with a little bit on my face. Except I'm not on T and unless I directly go behind my mom, I'll have to wait until I'm 25.... Before I went back to school she made me promise to keep putting it off. By the time she thinks it's acceptable for me, I'll be out of college (unless I stay longer to major in music too). But free counselling is available through the school and they have the power to write me a note that would make taking T (partially) covered by insurance.

Is there any chance you could give a counselor and/or doctor permission to talk to your parents? Sometimes, having someone discuss these topics with a licensed professional makes them far more comfortable with your decisions. Worst case scenario, you just get your letter recommending testosterone therapy quite a bit earlier than anticipated and you just hold onto it until you can pursue HRT.

 

Not quite a perfect parallel, but my mom seems to get freaked out every time I choose a surgeon for my various needs, and she was especially freaked out because I chose to do my hysterectomy in the town I currently live in rather than my hometown, near her. She acted like I was delusional/misinformed when I told her that the hysterectomy is much easier to recover from than top surgery, and was convinced that the way my surgeon handles this stuff (especially that she suggests against an overnight stay in the hospital for most patients) basically communicated that she was a quack. You know what it took for my mother to calm down? A single phone conversation with my surgeon. Bam. Complete 180. Decided that I went with an amazing surgeon and still raves about her. The surgeon was basically saying the same things I was, but my mom took those words more seriously hearing the surgeon say it. Sometimes, that's just what it takes.

 

(I remember one of my friends being somewhat horrified that I didn't consult my parents about my decision to undergo HRT. I simply told them that this was something I was going to do. For me, organizing all the therapy and doctor's appointments leading up to my first shot was my way of showing I was serious, resolute, and not to be talked out of it. That was also a symbolic gesture for me, showing that I was doing this entirely for myself. My family never doubted me, but I also don't make these kinds of decisions lightly.)

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Mezzo Forte
27 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

Why do parents make us put it off till later? I can't start anything for years in the future- I estimate I'm gonna be 18 before I can go on hormones. I'm 13 now, december birthday. Woo.

My heart goes out to you waiting that long. Of all the kids/early teens I've met, I've noticed that many of the kids who recognized that they are trans especially had a maturity and eye for the future that was beyond their years. You certainly have a writing voice that seems older than 13, I can say that much. Still, I hope the promise of HRT within the next 5 years or so keeps you moving forward :)

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butterflydreams

I think I knew I was something from an early age, but didn’t really have the term for it. I was also really afraid of doctors and I hid a lot of issues from my parents. That’s probably what kept things quiet for most of that time, I was just good at hiding things about myself. It’s interesting how you describe young trans people, @Mezzo Forte. That sounds a lot like me at that age. I rationalized a lot of it away. One of the things that really kept it from solidifying was a lack of good information and thinking it was basically just a fetish, and of course every boy must want to be a girl, they just don’t say anything about it.

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SkyWorld

Oh great... my first assignment for my Typography class is to use our name and use a different design for each letter. Not too big of a deal, right? Well, she had put a lot of emphasis on using our legal name, our government name, the name our parents gave us. :mellow: That makes me nervous and it’s honestly kind of distressing me because everyone on campus, students and professors, calls me by my actual name. I’m trying not to worry too much about it; I emailed her explaining that I will be legitimately changing my legal name and if I could please use that instead. I hope it’s okay, and if it’s not... :( 

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SkyWorld

*sigh of relief* I got a response back saying that it’s okay, thank goodness. I was really nervous there and was hoping it wouldn’t come to the point I’d contact my counselor and possibly even the Title IX coordinator, and doing so may make the semester a struggle and pain for me since there’s nobody else that teaches the class. Whether I contacted them or not.

 

I’ve been pretty lenient when people would call me “she” (even if it does make me sad every time) because I know I don’t really pass that well and mistakes happen. It’d just be easier once I actually pass and people would call me “he” naturally. Even though I lean more “they”, I don’t mind “he” at all. Though I draw a line when it comes to my name, at least respect me enough to call me by my name, not my current legal name. I don’t think that’s too much to ask and easy to do (since I always introduce myself as such from the get-go) and I’m glad it didn’t reach that point where I’d have to contact some people about it.

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daveb
5 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Typography class

That sounds interesting

 

7 minutes ago, SkyWorld said:

I got a response back saying that it’s okay, thank goodness.

Yay! :)

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SkyWorld
1 minute ago, daveb said:

That sounds interesting

Mhmm! I’m majoring in graphic design and it’s one of the courses I need to take. I find it interesting how there’s an entire class on it. What I’m looking most forward to is creating our own unique font.

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daveb

I started working on a font once (but it wasn't my own design - I was trying to make a font based on calligraphy styles from a book on historical italics calligraphy). I have taken a couple of classes in calligraphy (many years ago - I am so out of practice now). One exercise we did was to design a product label. Mine was for Martian beer. :) 

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nerdperson777
On 1/16/2018 at 6:49 AM, Mezzo Forte said:

@SkyWorld, in regards to your spoilers, I had a rather similar experience:

  Hide contents

I had zero libido pre-T, and I definitely didn't have any libido during the first 8 months on T. However, while I don't know for sure if I really experience libido, something changed when I discovered that I was capable of arousal around month 8. One night, I don't know what compelled me to do it, I just casually decided to try masturbation, and that marked a change in how I experience sexuality. I still don't experience attraction, and I don't know if I really have a libido, but that was what made me really explore what was happening downstairs and feel that much more connected to my body. I can't exactly say that masturbation is an infrequent thing now, even if I'm unsure if any sense of libido is responsible at all for that.

 

To be honest, your lack of libido this early on T might be a godsend; most guys complain about their junk being way too sensitive to jerk off, yet simultaneously get stuck with an insatiable libido. By the time I started trying anything, the worst of the sensitivity had calmed down and I could check everything out without worry. 

 

Not a lot of people talk about experiences like what we have had, so I can understand why it can feel isolating to have this experience. It's okay though; this seems like the normal way for someone who had zero libido pre-T would develop. Let exploring your body happen at your own pace and out of self love. 

 

Remember, you're still in the beginning stages of HRT; you have a lot of changes to anticipate in the near future, and your body is going to develop at its own pace. Some things might happen slower for you than most; some might happen faster. You can anticipate a rough timeline, but you'll only know the details as you live them yourself. Those early stages can feel so slow, but everything really does build. Congrats on starting T. :) You have no idea how many times I've reached out to trans guys in my life about to start T just to offer my support, and I've always been glad to answer their questions and assuage their worries regarding transition. If you ever need someone to talk to about this stuff, I am always glad to help.



I just knew pre-T that my crotch was mildly itchy once in a while.  I just thought I must have no libido, but Emery says that the itchiness is a libido so I'll go with that.  When I first started, I found my body too sensitive to even sit in a chair.  I was suddenly aware of having these body parts.  I found that annoying.  I feel like now, the itchiness is a little more intense(?) but nothing really to worry about.  I'll just scratch myself for a couple seconds once in a while, when I'm by myself.  I still don't get how this would really be a libido though when there's nothing sexual in my mind during these times.  I'm just slightly itchy, in a general sense.

 

I always knew that I could be aroused, like if I looked at a sexual image long enough, but it's kind of eh to me.  I'm indifferent to it.  That part hasn't changed.  I'm not even sure what would qualify as masturbating.  I just give myself a quick scratch if needed and go about my day.  I think I might've been sexually attracted to one girl in high school, if I remember that feeling correctly.  But I only thought of that possibility like two years ago in some sort of "wait, was I sexually attracted to her??" type of thinking.  I still haven't had the feeling since so I'd say I'm still ace.

 

@SkyWorld I'd say wanting a libido just for a partner is just gaslighting yourself.  Libido's not something that's up to you to change anyway.  Don't compromise yourself just for a partner.  But you may get a libido later.  I think I started changing at like a month or two in.

 

On 1/16/2018 at 5:04 PM, Tortuga said:

Why do parents make us put it off till later? I can't start anything for years in the future- I estimate I'm gonna be 18 before I can go on hormones. I'm 13 now, december birthday. Woo.

Because parents are just trying to postpone it indefinitely.  I saw some articles that said that they gaslight you into waiting for some point in life, and then wait some longer, and longer.  They talk you out of it because of how it affects them and all their friends and relatives, so then they're compromising your happiness for theirs.  "Do it after you're done with school."  Then "do it when you have a steady job".  "Do it once you have kids", because you won't be fertile anymore after hormones.  By the time anyone gets to that point, they're old.  The hormone changes take longer.  All progress is overall slower.

 

Then parents hope it's all a phase so that you're not "different" in the bad sense.  My mom told me after college too, but she never brought it up again.  I know she's uneasy about my gender.  Both my parents are.  That's why they keep calling me the wrong name and pronouns with our friends and relatives and don't care at all.  After I got a job (even if I'm practically earning minimum wage), I was able to go to an informed consent clinic and just get it.  I didn't tell my parents anything about it.  I just let them find out on their own when my voice got lower.  Now they're so frantic about losing their "daughter" that every step of progress they made has gone backwards.  Once dad said that I wasn't a girl in front of a relative.  I thought that was a big step.  But now he was talking about putting storage containers in my room and labeling it with my full birth name.  Not even my nickname.  My FULL name.

 

On 1/16/2018 at 5:31 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

Not quite a perfect parallel, but my mom seems to get freaked out every time I choose a surgeon for my various needs, and she was especially freaked out because I chose to do my hysterectomy in the town I currently live in rather than my hometown, near her. She acted like I was delusional/misinformed when I told her that the hysterectomy is much easier to recover from than top surgery, and was convinced that the way my surgeon handles this stuff (especially that she suggests against an overnight stay in the hospital for most patients) basically communicated that she was a quack. You know what it took for my mother to calm down? A single phone conversation with my surgeon. Bam. Complete 180. Decided that I went with an amazing surgeon and still raves about her. The surgeon was basically saying the same things I was, but my mom took those words more seriously hearing the surgeon say it. Sometimes, that's just what it takes.

 

(I remember one of my friends being somewhat horrified that I didn't consult my parents about my decision to undergo HRT. I simply told them that this was something I was going to do. For me, organizing all the therapy and doctor's appointments leading up to my first shot was my way of showing I was serious, resolute, and not to be talked out of it. That was also a symbolic gesture for me, showing that I was doing this entirely for myself. My family never doubted me, but I also don't make these kinds of decisions lightly.)

I told my mom about types of top surgery years ago and I didn't want it at the time.  So she was really glad that I wasn't getting it because "it looks ugly".  Don't know how my parents would react when I say I'm actually doing it.  Mom already freaks out about every tiny little thing and it scares everyone in the family.  I'm backing the car out of the driveway.  Mom screams in a high pitched voice that a car is coming.  Either I've just moved like a few feet or even not even out of park yet.  "I haven't even moved yet, mom."  Another time we locked ourselves out of the house and I had a key to go inside, which I then left inside when I went to the garage, which was locked.  She yelled at me for leaving the key inside and now we're really locked out.  Actually, I didn't lock the front door and dad knew how to break into our own house from locking himself out many times.  She just really keeps us on our toes, because when will she find something to yell about.  I'm quite sure she'll think top surgery is a bad decision for me, just because it would be bad for her.

 

Yeah, I decided if I'm going to do it, just do it.  I only told my friends.  A bunch of bills from my insurance came to my house though.  I told mom that I could pay for them (as I had a good job at the time, but they let me go) but she didn't mind paying them.  But nothing my parents said would've changed my thoughts on it.  They were just a wall.  They weren't going to support my transition.  If they can't even get name and pronouns right, how can I even get them to accept medical transition?

 

11 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I think I knew I was something from an early age, but didn’t really have the term for it. I was also really afraid of doctors and I hid a lot of issues from my parents. That’s probably what kept things quiet for most of that time, I was just good at hiding things about myself. It’s interesting how you describe young trans people, @Mezzo Forte. That sounds a lot like me at that age. I rationalized a lot of it away. One of the things that really kept it from solidifying was a lack of good information and thinking it was basically just a fetish, and of course every boy must want to be a girl, they just don’t say anything about it.

I didn't even know I had issues, because I was dependent on my parents, who I had trusted 100%.  Whatever they said, I pretty much agreed, since I didn't think they were wrong or could be wrong.  I even hid the issues from my self then.  With the way they raised me, I was better off not talking and staying quiet.  I had to learn to lie to avoid being punished.  I learned how to lie convincingly.  I would lie with a straight blank face.  Even when I did say something, my parents just ignored it, thinking it would go away.  So by not hearing of it again, it must be solved, right?  More like a giant timebomb waiting to explode.

 

I just thought with the way girls were treated in society, how could any girl like being second class, in some way or another.  Dad told me I couldn't do certain things because I was a girl.  It limited so many of the opportunities I wanted to pursue.  Men are still paid more than women.  Being male became desirable to me because of all the social benefits and more.  People take you more seriously when you're male.  Males get many top positions in their career even if a female could be more qualified.  Since stuff like looking pretty, wearing dresses, makeup, among other things, were not on my list and many of the things on the other list were, how could I not want that?

Once in middle school, someone did talk to me about gender stuff and somehow we came to him asking me if I wanted to be a boy.  I was a bit hesitant, but I did say I would like that better.  I wonder if he still remembers that and wonders if I actually ended up being trans.

 

I had a bad experience some years back trying to explain to some cishet guy the validity of trans people.  He said he would want to be a girl, just so he could have boobs to grab.  That was not what I had in mind at all.  *facepalm*

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SkyWorld
54 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I'd say wanting a libido just for a partner is just gaslighting yourself.  Libido's not something that's up to you to change anyway.  Don't compromise yourself just for a partner.  But you may get a libido later.  I think I started changing at like a month or two in.

I completely agree. Maybe it will happen eventually, maybe it won’t. Either way, I just need to accept myself for myself unconditionally and not worry about others.

 

@nerdperson777 @Mezzo Forte I once told my mom about considering top surgery (which I am still thinking about, but leaning more to yes). She told me how I shouldn’t dare get them removed and wait until I was 40. This really upset me because that’s basically another double of my current lifetime (I’m 20). Besides, it’s my body. My mom thinks it’s just a phase and she probably still does, but I’ve come to just understand that she’s just in denial and I shouldn’t have to constantly validate myself to “prove it”. I know who I am, I know what I need, that’s all that matters. I was going to do HRT regardless if my mom supported me or not, the only thing holding me back was being able to afford it, along with my other expenses. It really made me upset how I’d have to wait even longer for me to feel better in my own skin. Though I am incredibly lucky and happy that my mom ended up saying that she was okay with me using my health insurance under her name to help pay for HRT.

 

I’ll admit I’m very confused when it comes to my mom... I desribe her as “unpredictable”. Sometimes she can be supportive, and sometimes she’s not. And when she’s not, she says some really insensitive things about the LGBT+ community that really hurts... I think she’s more like “indifferent”. She says she doesn’t care about someone’s gender or sexuality... and she legitimately does not care in a hurtful way, like “apathetic”.

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SkyWorld

Ack! Another double post, sorry! Something I forgot to mention.

 

Growing up, I simply felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to do some things. That I wasn’t allowed to dress like a boy. I wasn’t allowed to play with toys “meant for boys”. That even though I wasn’t allowed, I still really wanted to. I remember one time when I was super young (like early elementary school), my mom had told me to never kiss a girl (I have no idea why, it really is out of nowhere, unless she suspected something even then..?). Anyway, even though I felt like I “wasn’t allowed” to be so boyish, I also didn’t like doing girl things or looking super feminine. I thought that being a “tomboy” was a good “compromise”, yet still felt limited because I wasn’t “allowed” to do things still. Though my granddad has been awesome from the very start and would “allow” me to be more boyish and I loved it so much. I enjoyed his company more while my grandma would criticize me for not being “ladylike”. I mean, I would try some things out “meant” for girls because I felt like that is what I was “supposed” to do, but I was never really intrigued by it. It didn’t repulse me or whatever, but just simply not for me. I thought the “guy stuff” was more fun and appealing. And any activities that was socially acceptable by boys and girls I loved so much because I felt like I wouldn’t be criticized for it and that it’s “allowed”. 

 

I wonder if anyone else had similar experiences? I often see trans people talk about how when they were a child, they did what felt natural to them. But for me, I was still trying to conform and/or compromise when I was younger.

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nerdperson777
4 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

I completely agree. Maybe it will happen eventually, maybe it won’t. Either way, I just need to accept myself for myself unconditionally and not worry about others.

 

@nerdperson777 @Mezzo Forte I once told my mom about considering top surgery (which I am still thinking about, but leaning more to yes). She told me how I shouldn’t dare get them removed and wait until I was 40. This really upset me because that’s basically another double of my current lifetime (I’m 20). Besides, it’s my body. My mom thinks it’s just a phase and she probably still does, but I’ve come to just understand that she’s just in denial and I shouldn’t have to constantly validate myself to “prove it”. I know who I am, I know what I need, that’s all that matters. I was going to do HRT regardless if my mom supported me or not, the only thing holding me back was being able to afford it, along with my other expenses. It really made me upset how I’d have to wait even longer for me to feel better in my own skin. Though I am incredibly lucky and happy that my mom ended up saying that she was okay with me using my health insurance under her name to help pay for HRT.

 

I’ll admit I’m very confused when it comes to my mom... I desribe her as “unpredictable”. Sometimes she can be supportive, and sometimes she’s not. And when she’s not, she says some really insensitive things about the LGBT+ community that really hurts... I think she’s more like “indifferent”. She says she doesn’t care about someone’s gender or sexuality... and she legitimately does not care in a hurtful way, like “apathetic”.

You should have control of what you want to do with your body.  My dad once said that my parents owned me because they made me.  I don't think he knows how creepy it sounds.  Considering a person someone else's possession is unhealthy.  My parents think the world follows the rules as much as they do because they never tried to break these rules, but in reality, people cut corners and break rules all the time.  People are  "normal".  If it really is that important, I can think of the quality of life reason.  If I don't get to transition, I may not live to 40.  It sounds dark, but for some, it's true.  I've been thinking of Rain the Webcomic lately, and Rain's brother Aiken came to terms with her gender by rationalizing that he would rather have a happy sister than a ticking timebomb of a brother, since trans people have higher rates of depression.

 

I don't think my parents even think anymore of whether it's a phase or not but are still in constant denial.  The more masculine I get, the more they treat me like a girl.  Mom probably uses the idea that I like being neutral as an excuse to say I'm not a guy.  She hasn't understood the difference between gender identity and presentation.  She freaks out every time I get a haircut and even touches it without permission.  She knows that I don't like being touched but somehow she has given herself permission in one of my most sensitive states.  It's been three years and my parents have validated nothing about my identity.  They don't talk about it.

 

When talking to pro-Trump people, my mom will debate until the end of time.  She argued with a family friend on Mother's Day one year and she let everyone know that she supported gay marriage and transgender people using the bathroom of their gender identity.  But the thing is, why are you supporting the community, but not me, your own child?  She does not deserve to say that she's a supporter if she can't even support the ones closest to her.  Plus I don't think she's actually fine with me being ace.  She just likes that I'm not going off having crazy sex with people.  She wants me to have a child since I'm my grandmother's only grandchild.  She would even bring asexual up in a conversation with me if it's relevant.  But I don't think she supports my (lack of) sexuality for the right reason.

 

4 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Ack! Another double post, sorry! Something I forgot to mention.

 

Growing up, I simply felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to do some things. That I wasn’t allowed to dress like a boy. I wasn’t allowed to play with toys “meant for boys”. That even though I wasn’t allowed, I still really wanted to. I remember one time when I was super young (like early elementary school), my mom had told me to never kiss a girl (I have no idea why, it really is out of nowhere, unless she suspected something even then..?). Anyway, even though I felt like I “wasn’t allowed” to be so boyish, I also didn’t like doing girl things or looking super feminine. I thought that being a “tomboy” was a good “compromise”, yet still felt limited because I wasn’t “allowed” to do things still. Though my granddad has been awesome from the very start and would “allow” me to be more boyish and I loved it so much. I enjoyed his company more while my grandma would criticize me for not being “ladylike”. I mean, I would try some things out “meant” for girls because I felt like that is what I was “supposed” to do, but I was never really intrigued by it. It didn’t repulse me or whatever, but just simply not for me. I thought the “guy stuff” was more fun and appealing. And any activities that was socially acceptable by boys and girls I loved so much because I felt like I wouldn’t be criticized for it and that it’s “allowed”. 

 

I wonder if anyone else had similar experiences? I often see trans people talk about how when they were a child, they did what felt natural to them. But for me, I was still trying to conform and/or compromise when I was younger.

I'm just fortunate that I got to wear pretty neutral clothing.  Collared shirts and t-shirts paired with jeans, and then exercise pants were later added to my wardrobe.  I was still wearing girl's jeans and shirts back then.  All my clothes had to be solid and plain, no designs, especially the stud designs on jeans.  I probably was the most boring dresser until high school, when I started getting all the pop culture t-shirts.  Even when I was young, I gravitated into wanting the boy shirts.  The girl shirts had those weird tiny sleeves which I didn't understand the appeal of.  I had a few of my tops in both the boy and girl style and I knew I liked the boy ones better.  I like that my sleeve almost goes up to my elbows.  I totally had the tomboy thing too, since I didn't like most if not all female clothing.  Frills, ew.  Flower designs, nope.  But I feel like since society considers it fine for AFAB people to be masculine, I got away with a lot of things that wouldn't have worked for AMAB people.  My grandparents did not have a large role in my life and they died early so they couldn't have had any influence on me.  (Grandfathers died before I was born, last grandmother died when I was 12.)  Plus I'm not sure they would've been able to converse with me in English anyway.  I know my dad's relatives would have qualms about this since they're so traditional.  I couldn't possibly genuinely be able to put up with their gendered nonsense.  Many girl things repulsed me so there was a red flag there that I did not realize.  I remember once receiving a pink glittery art kit from a teacher, which had all the things I didn't like in it.  Pink is too girly.  Glitter gets on everything, and I didn't like how feminine it was gendered.  I ended up giving that to my older cousin who actually said that she could use it.

 

A lot of things were natural, like not wanting long hair, wearing neutral clothing, playing games with guys.  Once my online friends asked me why I play games.  My reason was that I wanted to be one of the guys.  It felt great to me that players would assume that I was a guy.  If players knew I was "a girl", then there would be a lot of belittling, unwanted comments, and more.  It was a place that I could feel confident in.  But now I actually like being of an ambiguous gender online.

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Mezzo Forte

@SkyWorld Yeah, your mom is being unreasonable. Asking someone to wait 20+ years is probably just a nicer way of asking someone to never do something. Top surgery is up to you and only you. Sorry you've had so many restrictions placed on your sense of expression for so much of your life. Honestly, that's the kind of thing that can even mess up a cis person, and the issue only gets amplified when someone's trans. 

 

I don't know if I did what felt natural to me 100% of the time because I always hated negative attention, and I was scared to do anything that would make people suspect something was up. I remember all these moments where I was basically tempted to experiment with gender, (not that I recognized that at the time,) but I was scared of the attention I'd get for doing so. Not because I thought people would be hateful, but rather that they'd ask me questions that I couldn't answer or wasn't ready to admit even to myself. I just tried not to call attention to my personal elephant in the room.

 

@nerdperson777 Everybody just seems to feening for those ally cookies, aren't they? It's almost sad seeing the people who think just saying that they're supportive of a group is enough and are completely oblivious to their own lack of support to someone within that group. It's appalling really. True allies are quite rare.

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Emery.

I wasn't into boy toys or girl toys specifically, I think. When I was small, I identified strongly as a girl and was terrified with the thought that someone would think I'm a boy or that something I did would be for boys or boyish. :P Hence I was a little feminist. I didn't really like the boyish designs of things too. But I liked things that are traditionally boyish, like sport and blocks, and I didn't get how to play with dolls. My parents both like sport, so nothing out of order here, and are both science types, so nothing out of order with the blocks either. They thought it's cool I like such clever things, not some bullshit many kids were enthusiastic about ;) I really liked the girly pink glittery things :x I guess I'm a late trans bloomer... the first time it came to my mind was early high school. I wanted boy everything, ha ha. I wanted to be a boy back then too. Then I gradually grew into my gender non-conforming self and now I think I would feel strange if I were to transition with hormones or wake up as a cis dude the next day.

 

i've been looking into some half-way physicsl transitions lately... it satisfied my curiousity and I wonder where I fit into it with my natural peach fuzz. It's like... people do it. However, not much changes, and I'm not sure if I like the effects either. Conclusion: meh, whatever. 

 

I wanted to study something art related at some point, but I ended up in science. I've been thinking about a second amjor recently, but... meh, I'm so tired of school. I'd rather learn on my own and find some art course or something like this. Not do a whole university degree all over again. 

 

9 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Do it after you're done with school."  Then "do it when you have a steady job".  "Do it once you have kids", because you won't be fertile anymore after hormones.  By the time anyone gets to that point, they're old.  The hormone changes take longer.  All progress is overall slower.

"Do it when your kids grow up, other kids are going to ridicule them"...

"Don't bother, you're too old, you don't have the health for that"...

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Kimmie.

I am so tired of been seen as a guy! But i can´t really complain because i don´t really do much about it.

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Mezzo Forte
1 hour ago, Kimmie. said:

I am so tired of been seen as a guy! But i can´t really complain because i don´t really do much about it.

*hugs* I remember dealing with that on the opposite side of things. I felt like I had no right to speak up because I didn't pass, and therefore, I wasn't doing enough. It's okay to feel that way. Getting misgendered is exhausting, especially when it exacerbates other forms of dysphoria. I hope that someday, you'll never need to worry about this kind of issue ever again.

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