Trans Musings & Rantings

[nerdperson777]

10 hours ago, Iota Tau said:

As a transfeminine, but still seen as male, person trapped in a female body, This sounds right. I mean, my plan is to get on T so that I can feel comfortable wearing all the feminine tops and skirts I want.

Yeah they said more T = more skirts and dresses.

[Emery.]

14 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I had that too, but I am going halfway.  Don't let peer pressure decide for you.  I might be transitioning with T, but as a non-binary friend has done, I still retain some of the femininity.  I've heard that non-binary people sometimes even become more feminine on T, because a majority of their dysphoria has disappeared.  I'm still taking a dosage, but it's small.  Part of it is because the T isn't leaving my body as quickly as others but I would've been fine with even less masculinization.

But what if I'm not taking T? Or getting anything else medical?

 

Why does it have to be all or nothing like that? I want to be a boy, but... in a more noncommitial way. I want to have kids, you know. A family. Why can't I... do something partial and exclaim that I'm doing this and I'm not a girl any more?

[nerdperson777]

I tried to ask this energy lady at my class yesterday about what qualities describe my energy.  I was hoping that she would say that I had some ambiguous amounts of male and female energy but I guess not.  She said before that when I do Tai Chi, I radiate a lot of neutral energy, which is a good thing for it.  The guy that was next to her earlier was radiating warm energy so she had to ground herself to not be affected.  I guess neutral in some context is good enough representation of non-binary.

 

Then last week my office had a bonding day so we went out for bowling.  At the counter, first I asked if the shoes were in European sizes, they were.  So I said a number one bigger than what I usually wear.  (Martial arts shoes are in European sizes so I knew what size I was.)  The employee had to comment because that was really small for a person they saw as a guy.  I was serious asking for that small size.  So they gave me the pair and said come back if it doesn't fit.  The length fit but the width was a little tight.  I didn't exchange my shoes.  Am I not allowed to have small feet?

[nerdperson777]

8 hours ago, Emery. said:

But what if I'm not taking T? Or getting anything else medical?

 

Why does it have to be all or nothing like that? I want to be a boy, but... in a more noncommitial way. I want to have kids, you know. A family. Why can't I... do something partial and exclaim that I'm doing this and I'm not a girl any more?

You don't have to do any of that to say you aren't a boy.  Transition has many different paths.  Medical isn't the only type of transition out there.  Plus there's no pressure to continue T if you do.  People say you can just stop whenever you want.  Some just take it enough for the permanent effects, like a slight voice drop, and then stop.

[Emery.]

1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

You don't have to do any of that to say you aren't a boy.  Transition has many different paths. 

Which? :S it just doesn’t work to dress masculine and name and mannerisms and stuff. 

 

I need to sleep. My brain is a mess now. 

[butterflydreams]

Can nonbinary people please stop with this “gender is a construct, tear it down” rhetoric? For all the times I’ve defended them, and it is a lot...it would be nice to feel mutually respected.

 

Suffice it to say, I’m not going to go to those support groups anymore.

[Iota Tau]

1 minute ago, butterflydreams said:

Can nonbinary people please stop with this “gender is a construct, tear it down” rhetoric? For all the times I’ve defended them, and it is a lot...it would be nice to feel mutually respected.

 

Suffice it to say, I’m not going to go to those support groups anymore.

Probably more agender people than nonbinary people.

 

I know that gender is more than a construct, I just don't like gender roles or people assuming I'm a binary gender (which is what they're probably saying, just not well)

[:)(:]

3 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Can nonbinary people please stop with this “gender is a construct, tear it down” rhetoric? For all the times I’ve defended them, and it is a lot...it would be nice to feel mutually respected.

 

Suffice it to say, I’m not going to go to those support groups anymore.

Could you (or anyone) explain how gender is not a construct please? I honestly don’t understand gender very well and I have been waiting for someone to try and explain it...

[Iota Tau]

1 minute ago, :)(: said:

Could you explain how gender is not a construct please? I honestly don’t understand gender very well and I have been waiting for someone to try and explain it...

It's an internal sense of "I belong to this group in my brain, this is the box that feels the most natural to check."

[nerdperson777]

2 hours ago, Emery. said:

Which? :S it just doesn’t work to dress masculine and name and mannerisms and stuff. 

 

I need to sleep. My brain is a mess now. 

Sorry, was doing this at work and didn't finish.

I just realized a typo.  Aren't should be are.

 

Medical transition is just one way.  Social is another.  Pre-T and no T people do that.  I'm sure there's other paths that can't come to mind right now.  Surround yourself with friends who call you the right name and gender you properly.  

[nerdperson777]

1 hour ago, Iota Tau said:

Probably more agender people than nonbinary people.

 

I know that gender is more than a construct, I just don't like gender roles or people assuming I'm a binary gender (which is what they're probably saying, just not well)

I'm more of a do whatever I want, "screw the binary" not in that people can't be binary, but more like we shouldn't be restricted by the stereotypes.  I wouldn't be 100% comfortable being a binary male even if I came out of the womb like that.  Right now, it feels really obvious in my behavior (to me) that I haven't taken part in toxic masculinity.  I may have unintentionally done one or two things here and there that used male authority but for the most part, I haven't.  I never assumed I had more authority than anyone, but that might have to do with how I grew up.

[Alex the Queer]

ugh this fucking sucks. period has cranked my dysphoria way up, feeling hella dysphoric about my chest, to the point where i can’t even bear to accidentally touch it, and generally shitty about being misgendered and dead named and all that bull. not only that but my touch aversion is at an all time high. i literally just had an anxiety attack in the car because my grandma kept bumping and nudging me. now i’m on edge and in no state to deal with all the screaming kids and touchy adults i’m surrounded by 😢

[nerdperson777]

I now have this duty at work where I give patient's primary doctors updates on their progress with letters that the company gives out.  I changed all the pronouns to neutral.  The one who last did these letters changed the pronouns the first time I did these but now I make them all neutral, muhahahaha.  I'm stopping the assigning of genders.

 

Also, I read an article about the company (it's for weight loss) and thought I wonder if I can get my aunt to come so she can lose weight.  She's the only one in the family who is like this.  But there are a lot of things that would make her not come.  The location is far and she only drives to places she knows, which tends to just be home, my house, my uncle's house, and work.  That can be solved by the webcam appointments, but she can't technology.  The biggest issue is that if I have her visit, she would out me.  Only my supervisor and the COO knows that I need my legal name on my checks, but they never asked why.  Bringing my aunt in would mean lots of deadnaming and misgendering, and most importantly, outing me.  I wish there's a way to have her lose weight without outing me.

[Emery.]

16 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Surround yourself with friends who call you the right name and gender you properly.  

Hmmm. If this is how it works? Maybe not too bad of an idea

[Emery.]

Rant time. Sooo... I thought about it, and maybe I'm not like... a standard trans person. By the media standard. (?) Because I'm hesitant about my name, and I don't push on pronouns and the such. Or don't even want to use the men's bathroom or changing rooms. (Not to mention all the medical things) But... if it's all about being perceived the true way by the couple of people just next to you? Then I'm already there  And I don't have a difficulty with that. Even if I go by the name I was assigned at birth or don't explicitly say I'm transgender. Ha ha, my native language has gendered verbs in first person and nouns and adjectives, and did I tell you I use the masculine words too?  Nobody cares  And that makes me happy. I also changed my pronouns on facebook to they. And I'm... being myself, I guess, and this is what counts  My passing even isn't too bad, it's nonzero, it's good as for no HRT, huh! Anyway... If I'm worried, then pointlessly so. 

[nerdperson777]

3 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Rant time. Sooo... I thought about it, and maybe I'm not like... a standard trans person. By the media standard. (?) Because I'm hesitant about my name, and I don't push on pronouns and the such. Or don't even want to use the men's bathroom or changing rooms. (Not to mention all the medical things) But... if it's all about being perceived the true way by the couple of people just next to you? Then I'm already there  And I don't have a difficulty with that. Even if I go by the name I was assigned at birth or don't explicitly say I'm transgender. Ha ha, my native language has gendered verbs in first person and nouns and adjectives, and did I tell you I use the masculine words too?  Nobody cares  And that makes me happy. I also changed my pronouns on facebook to they. And I'm... being myself, I guess, and this is what counts  My passing even isn't too bad, it's nonzero, it's good as for no HRT, huh! Anyway... If I'm worried, then pointlessly so. 

Yeah, who cares about those stereotypes?  I'm not one of them.  First, not being binary.  Second, I don't fit the stereotype of non-binary being white androgynous looking AFAB people.  Well, I could look androgynous but even in mannerisms, I can't really be ambiguous there.  I sit with my legs crossed, or wide, or whatever I feel comfortable with.  I'm fine with my neutral nickname.  I don't hate it so much that I never want to hear my name again.  Plus my name before is pretty common, even more with the different spellings.  Once I had a class where three of us had the same name, one was an exact spelling to me.  I don't care that people know what name I had before, as long as they don't use it against me.  I'm not sure if I could use male changing rooms due to still having chest fat.  For the bathroom, I'm still sitting the stall when in public.  Having something sitting in my crotch still feels weird, but I do want to be able to pee standing for convenience.  Some people find a(n STP) packer to be very gender confirming but I still find it strange.  It could be an ace thing that anything touching my genitals feels weird.  The peeing standing feels gender confirming, but having something extra in my pants all other times, not so much.  Even though I just spent a bunch on STP products in the last couple months, I don't feel like having the parts would make me feel euphoric overall.

 

Names are just gendered for no reason.  The trouble would be mostly having strangers laugh at your "wrongly gendered" name when you introduce yourself.  In elementary school, I knew a girl called Andrea.  Then I learned that there were guys out there called that too.  Kim can be a guy's name.  A lot of these things surprised me upon finding out.

 

As long as your friends treat you right, it should feel at least a bit better.  Regardless of whether someone passes or not, we use their pronouns.  It only hurts them if you say the wrong one, and worse if you don't correct it.  Once a new friend was hanging out and I quickly corrected myself ".....her, I mean them."  I still remember this slip even though it was two years ago.  Our friends treat us as the gender we want, and it feels absolutely normal.  That may be the only normal some people get.

 

I have introduced myself as my nickname before and no one questioned it.  I am now almost full time using my chosen name, other than at home and relatives, family friends.  I present as male.  I use male bathrooms.  In the living aspect, I kind of forgot how to do non-binary things.  I was surprised when I saw a neutral bathroom again and went there over the gendered ones in the area.  Online, my nickname is still my username, since it's an actual word in the English language.  I'm okay with that.  Also, I haven't come up with another name that is unique enough that doesn't use it.  There are times people mention the word and I try to relate it back to me, but then I remember that it's not the name I'm using, so they wouldn't understand the reference.  I have to make a constant reminder for myself because it's such a common word.

 

I also put my pronouns as they.    Most of the time he is fine, but I do want to account for that rare 5% of the time that it makes me dysphoric.  I may not dislike the pronoun specifically, but during that time I didn't like being called Mr. or Sir.  Those were weird moments for me.  But just presenting myself as binary male just makes my interactions way easier.  Even if I do female gendered mannerisms.  Sorry people, I can't stop my flamboyant hands and I don't hate them, so they're staying.

[Emery.]

I'm not even into binding, and a peeing packer sounds like a disturbance to me too.

 

Even though I personally have a sensory problem down there

Binding doesn't change much imo. At least for me. 

I'm oblivious to many different things about my body.

 

My name is my name. Period. 

My "chosen name" is my birth name, but masculinised. 

I don't care what my ID says. It's just a document. 

 

Not to mention that my style doesn't fully follow masculine norms. 

And my body language and way of speaking too. Or hobbies. Or my sexual orientation.

But those are the parts in which I am a "good trans person"  Roughly.

plus I have more male than female friends. 

But I wasn't a trans child, I just did whatever I wanted.  

 

Oh well  It seems that I am the androgynous looking AFAB lanky white person. Except my hair is medium, not short. 

[nerdperson777]

37 minutes ago, Emery. said:

I'm not even into binding, and a peeing packer sounds like a disturbance to me too.

  Hide contents

Even though I personally have a sensory problem down there

Binding doesn't change much imo. At least for me. 

I'm oblivious to many different things about my body.

 

My name is my name. Period. 

My "chosen name" is my birth name, but masculinised. 

I don't care what my ID says. It's just a document. 

 

Not to mention that my style doesn't fully follow masculine norms. 

And my body language and way of speaking too. Or hobbies. Or my sexual orientation.

But those are the parts in which I am a "good trans person"  Roughly.

plus I have more male than female friends. 

But I wasn't a trans child, I just did whatever I wanted.  

 

Oh well  It seems that I am the androgynous looking AFAB lanky white person. Except my hair is medium, not short. 

I had more female than male friends.  Probably because I saw the difference in sexes well when I was younger.  I was too much of a scaredy cat to play with the boys.  Girls were more accepting.  I totally don't fit in a guys group.  I'm more comfortable being the masculine one in a group of girls.

 

I'm mostly a t-shirt person, aside from the male button up shirts I wear.  I'm probably afraid of Henley shirts because they can reveal my chest.  I don't think I could ever be comfortable with those.  I don't know if I can be comfortable shirtless.  I know I really liked it when I was younger and I could be Tarzan, but I grew up hiding my chest afterwards.  My body language says both masculine and feminine things.  Probably a product of growing up girl and then later not being reprimanded for doing boy things.  I just have to close my legs whenever relatives are around.  In my haircut before and after photo, I was told that even the way my arms laid by my side was masculine.  They said it was called a carry angle.  My elbow pits pointed more outward.  Supposedly a female carry angle caused one to follow the curves of the body.  I think I do that too sometimes but that picture showed the masculine way.

 

My hobbies don't follow norms.  It shouldn't even be gendered.  Playing video games is considered masculine, but I also like to do arts and crafts, sew things, which is considered feminine.  My dad a month or so ago said that sewing was a woman's job, so mom should do it.  I told my cousin who then joked that my dad is the woman then, since my mom can't work a sewing machine.  The last thing my dad needs is a blow to his ego and masculinity.  But dad's said a lot of things that don't make sense.  He just follows what has been said for decades and centuries without questioning why.  I'm pretty sure that he's taking the fact that I like to sew as something that makes me a girl.  Guys can sew too.  I would like to be called a tailor over a seamstress.  Plus tailor -> Taylor, which is a neutral name.  I would totally want to name my future pet something neutral, since I probably won't have human kids.  I wonder what gender my dad sees cooking as though.  He is the chef in the family.  In traditional families, the wife/mother is the cook.  My mom hardly cooks.  She can make me eggs and instant noodles.  I don't get how my dad can be still hung up on the gender stuff when our family isn't even conventional.

 

Just shows that everyone experiences gender differently.

[Emery.]

I had both girl and boy friends in childhood. Then was puberty, and girls and boys separated, and I had(?) girl friends, and then I was really into math, so I had guy friends and still have for this reason, but I have some girl friends too, but they are mostly other geek girls or other kinds of gender non-conforming girls. 

 

Sport is my major hobby, I'm a bit hyperactive or something  I'm also into shooters, brutal films and rock music. But I do maaany different things apart from this too. Maaaany. Like... I like fashion  And art. And books. And foreign languages. And psychology. And cooking. I guess I'm interested in politics by default as well. So... I have wide interests. 

[vmdraco]

So... lots of things going on.  And I need to vent.  It's not even that big of a deal but I need somewhere to put this shit...

 

It seems I will be attending the Christmas party at my house anyway despite me usually missing it this time of year due to school.  Here I was thinking it already occurred, but nope, my mom moved it because my sis had to work during that day.

 

My mom rescheduled it for early January since Christmas Eve is the birthday of one of my cousin's kids; for many years we had the party on Christmas Eve, but had to change it for that reason.  So, for the first time in a year or two since going away in school, I have to endure the Christmas party again.  It was tolerable before, but since my transition it will be fucking painful.  My mom's side of the family comes to the party and I hardly see these people, so it's just going to be constant gendering and saying my birth name for hours at a time.  I know by now any gifts my mom's side gives me during the party will just be money since I'm an adult now, but I'm nervous of receiving any gift cards that are gendered for women (Bath and Body Works or Victoria Secrets or some shit).  I'm having a lot of anxiety about it despite it being two weeks away.  After cleaning the entire house today I can't sit still.

 

What makes it even worse is that my mom had mentioned to my cousin's wife sometime last year about how I'm questioning my gender, so whether or not said wife will say anything to me once she comes to the party I don't know.  I just want to hide away and wait for it to pass in the morning but I can't.  I fucking can't because it's expected of me to be there and I hate this.  

 

Additionally, I also learned the day I left for break that my dad outed me to his friend at work.  Thankfully the response wasn't negative, but it made me feel kinda... vulnerable.  I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate friends and family, and the whole thing doesn't sit well with me.  The reason why he outed me was because "he didn't have anyone to talk to about it" lmfao meanwhile I've offered resources and an opportunity to go to therapy with me so he can talk about it but sure, that's fine I guess /sarcasm

 

Well... at least I scheduled a therapy session a few days after the party.  I'll have something to talk about at least.

 

I'm sorry to shit all over here, I do hope people are having a good holiday.  And overall my holiday season has been good, it's just this crap I have to work through.

[Lirpaderp]

1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

I would like to be called a tailor over a seamstress.  Plus tailor -> Taylor, which is a neutral name.  I would totally want to name my future pet something neutral, since I probably won't have human kids.  I wonder what gender my dad sees cooking as though.  He is the chef in the family.  In traditional families, the wife/mother is the cook.  My mom hardly cooks.  She can make me eggs and instant noodles.  I don't get how my dad can be still hung up on the gender stuff when our family isn't even conventional.

When I was little I had a baby doll named Taylor. I thought it was just a boy name since I only knew one person by that name and he's a boy. But I gave it to the girliest looking doll I had.

 

Also, I didn't start hating dresses until my friend said I wasn't a tomboy solely because I wore dresses. I argued that dresses don't make you a tomboy, it's your personality. But nobody was on my side. That made me really sad. 

[Mezzo Forte]

On December 21, 2017 at 1:21 PM, :)(: said:

Could you (or anyone) explain how gender is not a construct please? I honestly don’t understand gender very well and I have been waiting for someone to try and explain it...

I can say that for me personally, there's a strong medical aspect to my trans identity, particularly in the sense that my brain wasn't built to function with estrogen dominating my system. Even if I were a brain in a jar, I'd need that brain to operate like testosterone is its dominant hormone. I also really appreciate testosterone's impact on the body though.  

 

Even when you get rid of the medical aspect, innate temperament often shapes how you interact with the world, and gender can connect to your temperament. I can't really explain what makes me a man beyond the medical aspects, especially because I'm put off by extreme masculinity and machismo, but I can say that being recognized as a man simply feels right. 

 

Also, I feel like when people claim that gender is a social construct, they're trying to make it seem like gender isn't real. Social constructs are real, and they're often unavoidable. The economy is a social construct, but you can't exactly opt out of that. Even if gender were a social construct, that wouldn't stop people from experiencing gender in the ways they do. I don't believe it's 100% socially constructed though, because if so, reactions to gender roles would hold a lot more weight in determining gender identity than they actually do.

 

Long story short, gender is really hard to pin down, and it's easy for people to want to dismiss it as a social construct because of that. Just because it's beyond our ability to fully articulate does not mean it doesn't exist. There's something innate about gender that shapes your temperament and impacts the way you relate to the world, but what that is exactly isn't clear.

[butterflydreams]

16 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

particularly in the sense that my brain wasn't built to function with estrogen dominating my system.

And mine was. I agree with what you wrote a lot. I remember when I was just entering puberty, and understood what that meant, I was worried I had too much testosterone in me. Somehow I just knew. 

 

I also have the brain map thing going on where it just doesn't expect things to be there. For me there's a very strong medical aspect to it as well. I function infinitely better on estrogen, even with all the problems and struggles I still have.

 

On 12/21/2017 at 1:21 PM, :)(: said:

Could you (or anyone) explain how gender is not a construct please? I honestly don’t understand gender very well and I have been waiting for someone to try and explain it...

Gender performance has a somewhat constructed element to it. But a lot of the performance and roles we see are based on long standing biological differences.

[:)(:]

3 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Gender performance has a somewhat constructed element to it. But a lot of the performance and roles we see are based on long standing biological differences.

is it like 70% biological and 30% constructed approx?

[Mezzo Forte]

13 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I also have the brain map thing going on where it just doesn't expect things to be there. For me there's a very strong medical aspect to it as well. I function infinitely better on estrogen, even with all the problems and struggles I still have.

I feel the same way, where my brain isn't wired to acknowledge certain parts of my body, and when it's forced to, my brain just doesn't know how to process it and the dysphoria kicks in. That's why surgery has played such an important role in my transition, and that's why I'm still actively pursuing other surgeries at the moment. I don't think the mind and body are as separate of concepts as some people think they are, as the two directly inform each other in some way, whether it's the hormones produced that directly affect the brain, or the ways the mind can make even placebos have very real effects. My mind and body work in close relationship with each other, and they're definitely built to function best with testosterone and a masculine frame.

[Emery.]

2 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I can say that for me personally, there's a strong medical aspect to my trans identity, particularly in the sense that my brain wasn't built to function with estrogen dominating my system. Even if I were a brain in a jar, I'd need that brain to operate like testosterone is it's dominant hormone. I also really appreciate testosterone's impact on the body though.

You know? This is the time and place to rant aboit this. When I was in my early teens, I became quite depressed. I was a lively child and then how the puberty, the hormones made me feel? It sucked. They made me act in a very calm way, and overemotional, but they didn't remove the want for something else. I was... increasinly unhappy with that and my periods stressed me out, and I thought I can't take more... then suddenly my period broke. Something just broke. Since then, my period is less regular and I stopped having PMS too. I started to have hair in all kinds of places too. And suddenly became fitter and thinner. That was magic. I don't know if that was my brain that protested, or if it was the stress that messed my hormones up, or if it was because I excersiced to lose weight and grow tall, or if it was just meant to happen...

 

2 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Also, I feel like when people claim that gender is a social construct, they're trying to make it seem like gender isn't real. Social constructs are real, and they're often unavoidable. The economy is a social construct, but you can't exactly opt out of that. Even if gender were a social construct, that wouldn't stop people from experiencing gender in the ways they do.

I can't agree more.

 

---------------

I feel like I need rest from the gender topics. 

[nerdperson777]

8 hours ago, :)(: said:

is it like 70% biological and 30% constructed approx?

I don't think anyone can definitely define the percentages.  Someone might have experienced a lot more of one over the other so the percentages could be at the total opposite extremes.

 

Then, I'm wondering if my feet are getting bigger, or at least wider.  I bought 5.5M shoes two years ago and I got 6.5Y today.  But then I compared them side by side earlier and the 6.5 is just slightly longer than the 5.5.  In European sizes, I've been wearing 36 when doing martial arts so I could be wearing shoes that are too small for my feet and I bought two 36's already months ago for when my shoes get worn out.  I'm not sure if the studio will let me exchange my shoes, that I bought elsewhere, for larger sizes.

[Albine]

Men don't really say much in the men's room, if anything, not the place to socialize. I use the stalls as after having male breast augmentation I don't really feel comfortable using the urinals. also believe me no men is really paying attention to whatever sound is coming from the stalls lol  

[Mezzo Forte]

52 minutes ago, Albine said:

Men don't really say much in the men's room, if anything, not the place to socialize. I use the stalls as after having male breast augmentation I don't really feel comfortable using the urinals. also believe me no men is really paying attention to whatever sound is coming from the stalls lol  

Can confirm. I remember being so paranoid at first, but nobody's listening that closely, and they're definitely not going to say anything even if they did somehow notice.  

 

I do wish I could use urinals though. Men's bathrooms rarely have enough stalls, and I find waiting for a stall to pee in spite of the open urinals rather uncomfortable. (My alma mater's concert hall had four stalls in the backstage women's room, but only one stall and one urinal for the backstage men's room. Drove me nuts.) I'd probably prefer a stall even after bottom surgery, but I'd like to have the option. 

[Emery.]

Who normal would listen to what another person is doing in the stall? :S