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ChillaKilla

Trans Musings & Rantings

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Dan99

I keep clinging to cis and I hate how I do that. I never think about myself much and just think about the fact that I admire femininity while not being it myself and like being friends with girls. It's confusing when I know I can be a girl and not be girly, which makes me doubt myself, but at the same time I wish I had male parts, but I realise I can be a girl too and wish I had a flat chest and a penis, so idfk anymore. I don't know if I'm confusing my heteroseuxuality for occasionally desperately wanting to be male either.

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Toothlesss
27 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

I keep clinging to cis and I hate how I do that. I never think about myself much and just think about the fact that I admire femininity while not being it myself and like being friends with girls. It's confusing when I know I can be a girl and not be girly, which makes me doubt myself, but at the same time I wish I had male parts, but I realise I can be a girl too and wish I had a flat chest and a penis, so idfk anymore. I don't know if I'm confusing my heteroseuxuality for occasionally desperately wanting to be male either.

Sounds genderfliud to me. ;) 

 

Take as much time as you need and discover what works for you. :) 

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nerdperson777
3 hours ago, (D)anny said:

I keep clinging to cis and I hate how I do that. I never think about myself much and just think about the fact that I admire femininity while not being it myself and like being friends with girls. It's confusing when I know I can be a girl and not be girly, which makes me doubt myself, but at the same time I wish I had male parts, but I realise I can be a girl too and wish I had a flat chest and a penis, so idfk anymore. I don't know if I'm confusing my heteroseuxuality for occasionally desperately wanting to be male either.

One of my friends seem to be in that realm of things.  She told me that she's now gender non-conforming.  Fine with any pronouns.  I guess we both had issues with female gendered things, and probably the suppression that goes along with it.  She's aro ace so I don't think she desires a penis.  I don't think she experiences any body dysphoria either.  She's flat and prefers it that way.  But I get why it can be confusing whether one desires to be with a male person, or be the person himself.

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vmdraco

I hate that all too familiar feeling that, despite evidence to the contrary, I'm really just a social justice warrior who's issues are just all in my mind and done for attention to cope with my own flaws.  Like all of my issues that I'm trying to work through with people I care about in order to be happier, and as a result they feel better knowing I'm in a better place, is just me "working things up for nothing".  I know that's not true at all, but on really bad days where I'm reminded of negative stigma my brain loves to trick me into thinking that I'm really just a stupid social justice warrior after all, who should feel bad for just thinking the way I do.  It's like this... insensate negative voice in your head telling you you're worthless and horrible for trying to understand and accept yourself, and as a result you feel bad because you don't want to be muddled in with actual social justice warriors but are afraid of being considered that label if you try to improve yourself.  I hate feeling like I'm oversensitive when I know my issues are real and legitimate and not based on malice and over-dramatized nonsense and I can't. fucking. stand. it.  I don't know how to make that stupid, useless noise stop so I can feel good about myself for once!

 

I don't even know if I'm making any sense...

 

sorry

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ChillaKilla

@vmdraco Did you mean: Chilla formerly every second of every day 

 

It took me ages to get out of that mindset, and I only did so by doing things that affirmed my identity. For me that was social transition, with name and pronouns. Medical didn't mean jack unless I backed it up in the social field.

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AVEN #1 fan
5 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Pink used to be a very manly color, and blue was the girly color.  It's just society now that says pink is girly.

Depending on time and place, before the 50s,  pink was a masculine color and blue a feminine color in the us.

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ChillaKilla

*chanting internally* gimme the titty knife, gimme the titty knife

 

where's top surgery when you need it <_< 

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Dan99

I keep imagining myself as a guy a lot differently than how i really am, like i'm really cool and chill, who i wish i was pretty much. this makes me doubt myself more, even though i know everyone has fantasies where they're better version of themselves.

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butterflydreams

I hate how much pressure is put on trans people and disclosure. Disclose then, but not this way, but do this, but don't do that. Make sure you say it this way, not that way. Blah blah blah.

 

I wish there was just one standard way. I wish I could just do it my way, but it seems like there is no really good way. Disclosing sucks.

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Starbogen
1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

*chanting internally* gimme the titty knife, gimme the titty knife

 

where's top surgery when you need it <_< 

Hahaha "the titty knife"?? Wtf I love this for some reason X'D

 

42 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

I keep imagining myself as a guy a lot differently than how i really am, like i'm really cool and chill, who i wish i was pretty much. this makes me doubt myself more, even though i know everyone has fantasies where they're better version of themselves.

That's okay. I do that too a lot though I think it hit its peak some time ago when I really needed the most to make myself feel better and now it's just a rare or occasional thing for fun.

But yeah I had a lot of daydreams of myself as a transguy who had transitioned medically and was a vigilante/superhero at night.

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Dan99
57 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

I hate how much pressure is put on trans people and disclosure. Disclose then, but not this way, but do this, but don't do that. Make sure you say it this way, not that way. Blah blah blah.

 

I wish there was just one standard way. I wish I could just do it my way, but it seems like there is no really good way. Disclosing sucks.

I word everything terribly, so no doubt if i'm actually trans and came out, it would be awkward and weird.

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nerdperson777

I have a hypothesis about transitioning on T.

 

So I've been on T for about 9 days now. The only noticeable change so far is that my voice went down maybe two notes. I found a YouTuber who is a Chinese binary FtM and said with one week, his voice was the only change. There is another more popular YouTuber who I have to check their 1 week video again, if they have one, if voice for Asian people, specifically Chinese people, is the first noticeable change. Both these YouTubers are adopted from China so people are speculating that parents of Chinese adoptees are more accepting. But they experience the downside of having no genetic relative to compare to. I can only compare to my dad and cousins. My dad has prickles all around his mouth area. One cousin has a dark mustache growing but not much individual hairs. So I don't expect much facial hair, especially on my low dose plan. I could be overdue for a period today so I hope that I'm done with it for good. I've only been irregular once in middle or high school when I was late 22 days. *crosses fingers* No periods forever. 

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ChillaKilla

@nerdperson777 My SO is adopted from China, he's pre-everything but he has a slight mustache naturally. Unfortunately he's really dysphoric about his height, barely being over 5'. We could be the trifecta of transmasculine EA's :P 

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Emery.

What the hell am I googling... :lol:

 

I can't post the picture (I'm on mobile), but google FtM Dave Strider and you'll see.

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ChillaKilla

@Emery. I used to be a lot more into homestuck but I love trans Dave :wub:

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Phoenix the II
10 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I have a hypothesis about transitioning on T.

 

So I've been on T for about 9 days now. The only noticeable change so far is that my voice went down maybe two notes.

Voice changes this quickly? I thought that it would take months.

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Emery.
On 24.07.2017 at 3:07 AM, (D)anny said:

I keep clinging to cis and I hate how I do that. I never think about myself much and just think about the fact that I admire femininity while not being it myself and like being friends with girls. It's confusing when I know I can be a girl and not be girly, which makes me doubt myself, but at the same time I wish I had male parts, but I realise I can be a girl too and wish I had a flat chest and a penis, so idfk anymore. I don't know if I'm confusing my heteroseuxuality for occasionally desperately wanting to be male either.

So the whole confusion comes from wanting the male parts, am I right? Hm. Social functioning as some gender doesn't neccesarily have to do with that. Do you have a clue what your sexual orientation is? Who do you fantasise about or have dreams about? If you were into women, I think that would just make you a top. You can be a straight top too, but it has more difficulties. You can PM me about that one if you want to talk about it not in public. (you can still be any gender socially)

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Dan99
1 hour ago, Emery. said:

So the whole confusion comes from wanting the male parts, am I right? Hm. Social functioning as some gender doesn't neccesarily have to do with that. Do you have a clue what your sexual orientation is? Who do you fantasise about or have dreams about? If you were into women, I think that would just make you a top. You can be a straight top too, but it has more difficulties. You can PM me about that one if you want to talk about it not in public. (you can still be any gender socially)

Spoiler

I just hate my vagina and clitoris, and they don't feel right to me, and imagining having sex using them just feels weird and gross to me. I don't mind it sometimes though. Sometimes I like having nothing in the way down there, but when I get turned on, I feel angry that I have a clitoris. I notice it a lot more than my vagina when I'm aroused, and it angers/frustrates me most of the time. I could never be in a relationship and would beafraid of having sex anyway, so maybe I should just give up on it.

NSFW ^

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Mezzo Forte
2 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

Voice changes this quickly? I thought that it would take months.

The big voice crack tends to happen a few months in, but minor drops in pitch can happen pretty quickly. I wasn't really watching for it at first, but I actually didn't recognize my voice played back to me around month 3 because of how much it already dropped, and that was about a month before the big voice crack started.

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AwkwardAxolotl
2 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

Voice changes this quickly? I thought that it would take months.

It varies from person to person, how long the voice change takes. It took a while for me (it changed in the 6-12 month range). I also didn't have a voice crack. My normal speaking voice changed a little, but my singing voice dropped a huge amount.

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Starbogen

Sometimes I wonder if I would have even started questioning my gender if it hadn't been for seeing all the trans and non-binary people that there were on this site when I first joined... I probably would have at some point but I wonder how much longer it could have taken me if I hadn't seen so many people who identified as non-binary for reasons that all my life I had thought just made me a weird and deffective "girl". 

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BionicPi
3 minutes ago, Liebelit said:

Sometimes I wonder if I would have even started questioning my gender if it hadn't been for seeing all the trans and non-binary people that there were on this site when I first joined... I probably would have at some point but I wonder how much longer it could have taken me if I hadn't seen so many people who identified as non-binary for reasons that all my life I had thought just made me a weird and deffective "girl". 

I'm almost certain I only gained some sense of gender due to my ace and aroness.

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Iota Tau

I hate that I have to correct people's usage of pronouns all the time, and even more than that I hate that I just correct to he/him because I'm scared/exhausted by just the thought of having to explain non-binary identities.

 

I also hate the tiny voice that is like "puberty didn't start the dysphoria, YOU MUST NOT BE TRANS." Having to remind myself that I didn't know myself until I started using neutral pronouns and that I do NOW is annoying and not always useful.

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Dan99

I just had the thought that maybe I'm just a really rebellious girl who hates being girly even though i admire it a bit and i'm what most people would call kind of feminine. A rebelious girl who hates being girly and sometimes wishes she had a flat chest and a penis despeatley. What's wrong with me (for both thinking I'm trans and not trans at the same time).

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Starbogen
31 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

I just had the thought that maybe I'm just a really rebellious girl who hates being girly even though i admire it a bit and i'm what most people would call kind of feminine. A rebelious girl who hates being girly and sometimes wishes she had a flat chest and a penis despeatley. What's wrong with me (for both thinking I'm trans and not trans at the same time).

(I hope this doesn't sound mean) Why do you think you're trans? Why do you think you're not trans?

Just because you're feminine doesn't necessarily mean you're a girl, and wanting a flat chest doesn't necessarily make you trans, but beyond things like that what are other reasons for and against you being trans? 

I used to make lists about this and it didn't exactly help figure it out but it was part of the process of being able to recognize "the evidence" that I was not cis, and in a way it helped me realize way later that just the fact that I was asking myself those questions and struggling with that so much was a sign of not being cis. 

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Dan99
48 minutes ago, Liebelit said:

(I hope this doesn't sound mean) Why do you think you're trans? Why do you think you're not trans?

Just because you're feminine doesn't necessarily mean you're a girl, and wanting a flat chest doesn't necessarily make you trans, but beyond things like that what are other reasons for and against you being trans? 

I used to make lists about this and it didn't exactly help figure it out but it was part of the process of being able to recognize "the evidence" that I was not cis, and in a way it helped me realize way later that just the fact that I was asking myself those questions and struggling with that so much was a sign of not being cis. 

basically i think i'm trans because i don't like being told by my mom or anyone else to care about more girly things, i never liked my female parts since puberty started, i told my mom once i wanted to get my uterus someday, other things i'm too exhausted to list right now. I doubt myself a lot because I always think of myself as a girl, mostly because I'm used to being a girl and called a girl etc, I'd be a bit feminine for a guy (i'm really sensitive and have terrible anxiety and i'm emotional/have emotional problems and emotional 'trauma')and I didn't question my gender until some months ago, and I never thought of myself as a boy. I always thought I was a girl that was a bit different or something. I never wanted male parts or really thought about it until I really started thinking about it a while ago, so until that I thought I was asexual because I didn't like my private parts (this was a few years ago). I mislabeled myself as asexual because I thought,"Well I don't want sex because my girl parts make me uncomfortable, so I must be asexual."

 

I keep worrying I'm being delusional, or it's just from low self esteem. I keep going back and forth from,"Yep, I'm trans" to,"No, that's weird to think, I'm a girl. I'm just not girly enough or something." 

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SkyWorld

So I called my insurance company for any gender therapists in my area and the person on the phone with me... yet still misgenders me when I was asking for such and explaining about wanting to start HRT. Okay then...

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Starbogen
49 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

basically i think i'm trans because i don't like being told by my mom or anyone else to care about more girly things, i never liked my female parts since puberty started, i told my mom once i wanted to get my uterus someday, other things i'm too exhausted to list right now. I doubt myself a lot because I always think of myself as a girl, mostly because I'm used to being a girl and called a girl etc, I'd be a bit feminine for a guy (i'm really sensitive and have terrible anxiety and i'm emotional/have emotional problems and emotional 'trauma')and I didn't question my gender until some months ago, and I never thought of myself as a boy. I always thought I was a girl that was a bit different or something. I never wanted male parts or really thought about it until I really started thinking about it a while ago, so until that I thought I was asexual because I didn't like my private parts (this was a few years ago). I mislabeled myself as asexual because I thought,"Well I don't want sex because my girl parts make me uncomfortable, so I must be asexual."

 

I keep worrying I'm being delusional, or it's just from low self esteem. I keep going back and forth from,"Yep, I'm trans" to,"No, that's weird to think, I'm a girl. I'm just not girly enough or something." 

I thought pretty much just like that a couple of years ago.. Obviously you're on your own journey and I can't tell you how to go about it but just know that being feminine and sensitive doesn't make you a girl or mean you can't be a boy, and I think it's very normal and common for trans people to initially think of themselves as their birth sex because that's just what they've gotten used to their whole lives. Like even a lot of people who fit the "I always knew" storyline often went through a time in their lives where they saw themselves as a tomboy or a lesbian, meaning as a girl, so not being able to think of yourself as something else also doesn't make being trans not possible. 

 

Also, when I talk about these things, about how it's totally possible and even (imo) probable that you're trans, how does that feel? Do you like it, disklike it? I ask because for me noticing my feelings when other people talked about those things in relation to me was very telling of what I wanted and what I wanted was just a better way of understanding what felt right. 

 

I hope I'm not overstepping the boundaries of friendly advice though.. I just want to help so I keep saying things that helped me when I was at the questioning place you are or that I wish people had told me, but let me know if any of it makes you uncomfortable or is too much. I guess a lot of your posts just remind me of how I felt.

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Emery.

@(D)anny. I'm not eager to tell that to anyone but: you are overthinking this. Things are sometimes unclear. End of story. Be what you are most comfortable being. I think you should stop questioning whether you are trans or not. Try things out instead. See how different gender expressions make you feel. You are definitely going down the "trans enough" rabbit hole. Or "cis enough" perhabs. Sometimes, we just *can't* know. 

 

*hug* It's gonna be fine. Hm. I forgot. Guys don't hug. But I'm trans and a bit gay so I can hug everyone :P Anyway. Have you heard about quantum mechanics? Heisenberg's principle of uncertainty? Google it. Definitely. What it is about is that we just can't know certain things by the very nature of perception. We use photons to perceive things. They have certain parameters and this puts accodring limits on us. 

 



Okay. Look. Everyone's vagina is ugly. I assure you. Disgusting. Genitals are disgusting and wierd. Penises and balls are quite bad too. If you didn't see anyone else's genitals, you can find photos in the internet. Not Wikipedia and not porn. Those are not realistic. I can't remember the name right now, but there is a project to normalise the look of different body parts and they pasted hundreads of photos. I think it was Embarassing Bodies? You can tae a look. Vaginas are veeeery different and not too pretty. Vaginas of normal people, not porn models who had plastic surgeries. 

 

Sex is disgusting and scary too. Even for someone like me whose libido is quite high. It's a very intimate thing, you are very vulnerable, everyone has insecurities about this topic... Sex can have permanent consequences like babies and STDs, and it releases very strong emotions too, which has its serious consequences too. It's your body, your integrity as a living being, you give someone every opportunity to hurt you if you have sex with them. Those parts of your body are very sensitive too, just like feelings about them. Anyway... not only your genitals are dusgusting. Everyone's are. With few exceptions. It's just a very animal and physiological activity to have sex and so forth. What you're feeling is perfectly normal.

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butterflydreams
11 hours ago, Liebelit said:

Sometimes I wonder if I would have even started questioning my gender if it hadn't been for seeing all the trans and non-binary people that there were on this site when I first joined... I probably would have at some point but I wonder how much longer it could have taken me if I hadn't seen so many people who identified as non-binary for reasons that all my life I had thought just made me a weird and deffective "girl". 

It's funny when I originally showed up here, I gravitated right to this forum very quickly. My thinking was kind of along the lines of, "hey, these people get to transition and I don't?!" As though it was something I always wanted to do. That thought is comforting sometimes, that I probably always knew what I was.

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