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ChillaKilla

Trans Musings & Rantings

Recommended Posts

Lirpaderp

Ever since I got back from break, my friends have been increasingly calling me she. After months of being called only he. And it started right when I got a binder too. What's different? Do I look like a girl when my boobs are hidden?! I'm still wearing the same clothes. I know my voice is too high, but does have that much of an impact? I should just slink back into the closet where I belong? But being even a little out feels good, going back now will destroy me.

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:)(:

I just remembered something ...A while back I was in Spanish and my two sportsbras and a tank top straps where showing I had a big ish t shirt on over that. So my Spanish teacher ( a female) came up and was like one,two, three. Why do you have so many on?

 

 

Made my top ten list of most awkward moments...

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Iota Tau

So I'm probably going to switch my pronouns to xe/xem. I think I've been thinking about doing that since I found out "xyr" rhymes with here instead of her.

 

Right now I'm just testing out going back to them, but I like it. I feel like it will probably become permanent.

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:)(:
41 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

Ever since I got back from break, my friends have been increasingly calling me she. After months of being called only he. And it started right when I got a binder too. What's different? Do I look like a girl when my boobs are hidden?! I'm still wearing the same clothes. I know my voice is too high, but does have that much of an impact? I should just slink back into the closet where I belong? But being even a little out feels good, going back now will destroy me.

That really confusing. Possibly ask them maybe it was a misunderstanding ? I don’t know personally I am cis but I don’t show a lot of my personality any anything about me. I like I went to an interview and the peons was like tell me about you. And I failed so hard. AVEN Legt know more me than my firends.

and sometimes just stitting there and being the only one who knows you and not expressing it is like a min hell.

 

Ironic I know but I would hate for some to be an my position as well.. 

I

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Lirpaderp

@:)(: that's me in most of my classes. I'm called a woman/girl a lot and I try to hide my discomfort. Sometimes I hope I react out loud to it, then I'll out myself but I want to be out so it'll all be good. But instead I sit there in silence.

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Mezzo Forte
13 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Ever since I got back from break, my friends have been increasingly calling me she. After months of being called only he. And it started right when I got a binder too. What's different? Do I look like a girl when my boobs are hidden?! I'm still wearing the same clothes. I know my voice is too high, but does have that much of an impact? I should just slink back into the closet where I belong? But being even a little out feels good, going back now will destroy me.

The people around you are likely still mentally adjusting to your pronouns, and going a break without practicing the right way to gender you, they might not even be noticing that they're getting it wrong. Trust me when I say that it's not related to your ability to pass; people have fucked up my pronouns even while I've been 100% cis-passing. This is about rewriting the part of their brainspace that's been unintentionally misgendering you all this time. My advice is to give them friendly reminders about your pronouns, and if anything, their response will at least illuminate why this is happening.

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nerdperson777
On 12/6/2017 at 9:03 AM, Mezzo Forte said:

This hysterectomy is really messing with my temperature regulation. >.< I'm getting cold embarrassingly easily, even by local standards, yet I'm still sweating rivers at night. I finally resumed my T shots yesterday, but right now, I'm still getting cold easily and just sweating even more. I sweated so much last night that I had to dry off with a towel when I got out of bed this morning. :lol: I'm hoping that as the T kicks in, everything will slowly return to normal.

I wonder if this is similar to hot flashes.  This one guy on YouTube mentioned it when starting T and at some point the body has to adjust to a different dominant hormone.  Maybe your T is taking over your body even more.

 

18 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Ever since I got back from break, my friends have been increasingly calling me she. After months of being called only he. And it started right when I got a binder too. What's different? Do I look like a girl when my boobs are hidden?! I'm still wearing the same clothes. I know my voice is too high, but does have that much of an impact? I should just slink back into the closet where I belong? But being even a little out feels good, going back now will destroy me.

 

4 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

The people around you are likely still mentally adjusting to your pronouns, and going a break without practicing the right way to gender you, they might not even be noticing that they're getting it wrong. Trust me when I say that it's not related to your ability to pass; people have fucked up my pronouns even while I've been 100% cis-passing. This is about rewriting the part of their brainspace that's been unintentionally misgendering you all this time. My advice is to give them friendly reminders about your pronouns, and if anything, their response will at least illuminate why this is happening.

Yeah, it may be easy for us to say use our pronouns but it's not easy for others to switch right away if they're not around other trans people as often.  My friends and cousin have been trying but many times they still mess up.  I know they're trying as hard as they can so I don't correct them.  They can correct themselves.  But they think I'm a binary male.  I present as male but my gender identity is not binary.  I'm not sure if I should correct them on it.  One friend said that her dog doesn't like men.  The dog barked at a male relative and also barked at me, didn't stop.  I don't identify as a man.  It's probably hard to teach a "normal" cishet person this, who has no clue about other genders and orientations.

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Rynar

A few days ago, I had a nightmare in which someone harassed me just to check if I'm really a guy...

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Mezzo Forte
19 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I wonder if this is similar to hot flashes.  This one guy on YouTube mentioned it when starting T and at some point the body has to adjust to a different dominant hormone.  Maybe your T is taking over your body even more.

Night sweats/chills are definitely related to hot flashes, though if I had any hot flashes, they were too mild to stand out as one. I definitely didn't get the menopausal symptoms when I started T, but I think the reaction was also partially from postponing my T shot. Now that my testosterone seems to have kicked in a little more, my temperature regulation seems to be returning to a normal. I do wonder how the hysto will impact my response to testosterone, especially because I hear that lots of guys actually lower their dose post-hysto.

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Emery.

I saw a girl wearing a bowtie in the college. *wants a tie*

I want to be still more daring :P I know I'm over the top masculine, more so than the normal guy. But if this is who I am, then this is who I am.

I still want computer games and combat boots. 

 

I'm having massive not trans enough moments lately. I guess it's because I stopped to "feel like a boy". This feeling just means that something is off. It is not an identity or anything. What else? I feel like I'm not enough, because other people get more shit... but this isn't true, I do get shit. From my extended family, from strangers. About being "unattractive" - that one from family. And if you confuse someone about your gender, then some of those people will take it the hostile way. I don't know why I'm giving myself shit now that I'm not really trans, because I don't date girls. Also, I'm thinking that... if I'm not representing this particular mindset that I hate my body parts, I'm not trans. But... in a way, something in my heart tells me that I want to identify this way. As trans. As a man. As a masculine person. I tried to usnderstand myself better, to understand what it is that I want, and I read something about sworn virgins, because, I thought it would be a good idea to connect with what it meant back in the past, because it feel like a thing of the past to me, and I read something, and I was so envious. I get so envious of some trans people sometimes. I don't even know of what. Of the "you're a man now" probably. I find it hard to calm myself down sometimes, when confronted with this envy. I don't really understand it. I just want to claim that I'm trans. This is all there is to it. But then comes the not trans enough thing and I think that I'm a tomboy, and that all is wrong... If I were to claim being a tomboy, it would be all fine. If I could claim it, though. On a more positive note, I think I'm as stylish as the Asian tomboys. I broke the code. I know how to do it. Maybe I look equally masculine and equally good? I hope. 

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nerdperson777
2 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Night sweats/chills are definitely related to hot flashes, though if I had any hot flashes, they were too mild to stand out as one. I definitely didn't get the menopausal symptoms when I started T, but I think the reaction was also partially from postponing my T shot. Now that my testosterone seems to have kicked in a little more, my temperature regulation seems to be returning to a normal. I do wonder how the hysto will impact my response to testosterone, especially because I hear that lots of guys actually lower their dose post-hysto.

Don't know if I got a hot flash, but for about two weeks, I was sensitive to dairy products.  Within 2 hours of ingestion, I would feel unwell.  The first two times it happened, I had to sleep it off for about 2 hours and then I was fine.  I was fortunate that my boss was lenient in letting me rest up and I didn't have any pressing assignments that week.  At first I was wondering if my pains were from my vitamin pills, since last year I ate some that were chemically altered by the sun shining light into my room.  I had put one set in a plastic bag and they molded from sunlight.  I also ate some (probably) rancid food that I didn't want to waste at that time.  Either way for a month during the summer, I could barely eat and lost like 10 pounds.  But I never knew what really was the cause of my sickness in both situations.  The pain just went away.

But for the potential hot flash, I was bleeding during the second week, so I'm not sure if a hot flash is with no blood.  It would seem pretty long for a cycle to last though, unless the actual bleeding was the cycle.  I think that's the last time I had to deal with blood, which I feel great about.

 

 

Also I went to the doctor for my lab results again.  She said that my T levels are staying high, despite being on the starting dosage.  She said that I am metabolizing the T slowly.  I guess that's where my low metabolism comes in.  I've always been the small one growing up who never really ate.  T definitely made me eat more.  I've been eating a lot of candy the past month but once I'm done with the bag, I won't buy more.  With the low metabolism, I guess that means the T stays in my body longer, giving me faster effects than others?  My voice is pretty low now.  Hair is growing in more places but not really super hairy, just light hairs.  That would be just my genetics I guess.  I don't think I'll be changing my dosage then.

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Light02

I just wanted to quickly vent that me and this girl I have a crush on went out for the first time today and at one point, when the topic came up, she said she "doesn't agree with transsexualism". This sucks, I really liked her.

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:)(:
33 minutes ago, Light02 said:

I just wanted to quickly vent that me and this girl I have a crush on went out for the first time today and at one point, when the topic came up, she said she "doesn't agree with transsexualism". This sucks, I really liked her.

Possibly try a bit more? I mean sometimes people just don’t know and having someone they know explain it to them will make them come around. It depends on how much you like her...

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Light02
2 minutes ago, :)(: said:

Possibly try a bit more? I mean sometimes people just don’t know and having someone they know explain it to them will make them come around. It depends on how much you like her...

I mean, after this she also tried to convert me to Christianity when I don't believe in god and I'm anti-religion. So I just don't think we're compatible.

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:)(:

Ah the religion card.

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Emery.

*fancies Howl from the Studio Ghibli film*

*wants to look like him too*

 

I have this friend who doesn't believe in transgenderism, or something like this. Swell guy, but I wish his attitude to anything that is not like him in terms of gender / gender roles / sex was better. You've gotta have seen his face this week when I came to the classroom and sat next to him with spread legs and was like "yo man" :lol: Even skeptics melt. You've gotta have seen this conflict that appeared on his face :lol: I wore quite manly clothes on that day, and I generally felt veeery masculine.

 

Okay. The not trans enough moment is gone now. I feel more confident. I have transitioned to a degree in the end and I'm not going back, so I am trans. The name is a powerful thing, you know? I can always come out more, and the convenient thing about having transitioned partially already is that I can say... you know, I actually feel male and some people call me [name]. It's very... affirming. It gets the ball rolling. It's something I can casually mention. 

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Dan99

I haven't thought about gender for a while at all. Of course I'm confused even after months of questioning. I don't know anymore, and I kind of feel like just giving up, but I can deal with it.

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nerdperson777

My insurance has an online thing and I asked whether they covered mastectomy for trans patients from this specific doctor I wanted to go to.  The reply I got back said they did, but the insurance codes they gave me were for women with breast cancer.  That page had WOMEN written on it so many times.  I wouldn't qualify for that since my line isn't predisposed to AFAB reproductive cancers.  I wrote back that I was looking specifically for a transgender mastectomy and linked the GRS page they had.  THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

I think I just about confirmed that my line is predisposed to heart problems.  My blood test had me at the very edge of the range for red blood cell count.  The high cut off point was 5.1 and I had 5.09.  I looked up what issues come with a high RBC.  Heart problems all over Google.  Good to know that I won't die from a reproductive cancer but from my heart instead.  /sarcasm

I ate dinner with two friends today.  The waiter called us ladies.  Am I seriously still not passing enough?  My face is still too feminine?

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999papercranes

So I’m in a group at my local library with a bunch of other teens. We help do events for the kiddos and keep the YA section up-to-date. Our meeting was today and we were discussing non-fiction books to add that were dealing with “social issues.” Of course she lists like seven titles about trans issues right off the bat. Most of them were titles like “What to do if You’re a Transgender” and that really made me cringe. What is this? 2007? Anyway, when she asks what books we should get, I didn’t say anything because I’m paranoid of outing myself. I mean... I already have the hair and the clothes. It wouldn’t be too hard to connect the dots.

Then this other kid started making transhobic jokes to his friend <_< Ugh.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

When your mom’s (cis, straight) boyfriend starts talking about how “”fascinated”” he is by different presentations of masculinity and femininity. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except it turned into him saying if you deliberately misgender someone, it’s assault (?). I don’t know exactly why, but something about his “fascination” with different people’s gender expressions and identity feels kinda... off to me? Like, I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s fetishizing trans people, but... something about it feels weird to me. Maybe it’s cause he doesn’t experience much oppression? Ugh. I just remembered about it and now I feel gross. :( 

 

Bonus, with a big TW for transmisogyny/transphobic violence/murder:

Me: I mean, I am privileged. *goes on to explain that trans women of color in particular experience a lot more discrimination than other groups of people, to the point where they’re murdered for being themselves*

Mom’s BF: Everyone is murdered. 

Mom: no, like, trans women who aren’t white experience far higher levels of violence than other people. 

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:)(:
1 hour ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

When your mom’s (cis, straight) boyfriend starts talking about how “”fascinated”” he is by different presentations of masculinity and femininity. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except it turned into him saying if you deliberately misgender someone, it’s assault (?). I don’t know exactly why, but something about his “fascination” with different people’s gender expressions and identity feels kinda... off to me? Like, I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s fetishizing trans people, but... something about it feels weird to me. Maybe it’s cause he doesn’t experience much oppression? Ugh. I just remembered about it and now I feel gross. :( 

 

Bonus, with a big TW for transmisogyny/transphobic violence/murder:

Me: I mean, I am privileged. *goes on to explain that trans women of color in particular experience a lot more discrimination than other groups of people, to the point where they’re murdered for being themselves*

Mom’s BF: Everyone is murdered. 

Mom: no, like, trans women who aren’t white experience far higher levels of violence than other people. 

I see it as romanticizing a group of people towards a stereotype and not as a human?

 

I see this in my church. (Mom makes me go) . Their are no people of color their and they say stuff like.

 

I’m really glad you are making the church better.

 

It’s not bad but it feels weird because I only feel as if you are valued for being of color. And not for being an awesome human being. 

 

I sorta get u

 

Does that help ? 

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Iota Tau

So apparently the credential "I am non-binary" doesn't work as a credential for the topic "Transgender" on Quora.

They better respond to my bug report/fix this....

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999papercranes

I thought joining a “sport” with my three friends would be cool, but it’s hell. Who knew how much you’d have to use someone’s name and pronouns in bowling?

”Hey, Lauren, you need to work on your swing.”

She’s not hitting the right arrow.”

Her feet are in the wrong position.”

It’s worse when it’s coming from my friends. Every time they say my birthname or call me ”she” I want to curl up into a ball. So then I try to blank everything out and wait for practice to be over, but they notice my silence and tell me I’m trying to be “edgy” and a loner. But it’s so hard to try to fake happy and sociable when I just want to throw myself out the door, never to return. 

Every damn practice it ends with me all upset. I hate it. Why am I so sensitive? They don’t seem to care. My friend asked me if I was upset today when I was being particularly distant (and she kept on calling me Lauren, ugh) and said she would check up on me later after practice. But she never did. 

They also keep on making “I identify as...” jokes and it makes me feel sick. They even ask me what I identify as. Do they seriously not get how that joke originated in transphobia?

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Dan99
9 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

I thought joining a “sport” with my three friends would be cool, but it’s hell. Who knew how much you’d have to use someone’s name and pronouns in bowling?

”Hey, Lauren, you need to work on your swing.”

She’s not hitting the right arrow.”

Her feet are in the wrong position.”

It’s worse when it’s coming from my friends. Every time they say my birthname or call me ”she” I want to curl up into a ball. So then I try to blank everything out and wait for practice to be over, but they notice my silence and tell me I’m trying to be “edgy” and a loner. But it’s so hard to try to fake happy and sociable when I just want to throw myself out the door, never to return. 

Every damn practice it ends with me all upset. I hate it. Why am I so sensitive? They don’t seem to care. My friend asked me if I was upset today when I was being particularly distant (and she kept on calling me Lauren, ugh) and said she would check up on me later after practice. But she never did. 

They also keep on making “I identify as...” jokes and it makes me feel sick. They even ask me what I identify as. Do they seriously not get how that joke originated in transphobia?

Maybe tell them that calling you your birth name and female pronouns make you feel upset, especially when it comes from your friends. I'm sorry you're going through this *hugs* :(

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:)(:
10 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

Hey, Lauren, you need to work on your swing.”

She’s not hitting the right arrow.”

Her feet are in the wrong position.”

 

Make it a point to say.

“Who is L——n

or

”Who is the girl you are talking about” Because it’s not you right?

 

If you make it a point to dissociate your birth name from you and act like your friends are mistaking you for sone girl possibly they will see that you are serious? 

 

Act like any any other old cis person who is being misgendered.

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butterflydreams

You can’t win in online dating, if you put that you’re trans up front, you get shit like the following. If you don’t mention it, you get called a liar.

 

Him: So you’re MTF transgender?

Me: Yes

Him: Cool. So how does that work down there?

Me: Frustratingly? I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

Him: Do you still have balls?

Me: Aren’t there other things you’d like to know about me first?

 

Even if he didn’t know trans etiquette, this is so far over any line. Give me a break, dude. All of these people claim to be open to dating a trans person, but only if she has the right parts. Well, then you’re not ok with it.

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Rynar

In June, my senior class project was opening a vegan restaurant, and obviously the worst case scenario came: the uniforms.

So instead of just buying cheap unisex shirts, the class bought GENDERED shirts.

When I tried the shirt I was given on, I felt so uncomfortable, wrong, embarassed and ashamed I took it immediately off.

The shirt was for instance way too long and secondly the chest area was so low that you could see my bare chest if I wasn't wearing my long-sleeved shirt beneath it.

My classmates told me to put it back on because they didn't believe there was something wrong.

I had put it back on and they laughed at me, that was so humiliating I got mad.

I suggested for an teenage guy shirt because just getting another size won't solve the chest problem.

They first agreed but then this guy had to say that the project teachers won't approve it and then they disgarded my idea and decided for another size.

I stubbornly opposed to that decision and even went so far asking the classmate who was in charge for the shirts if I could tag along with her when she buys them.

Because of this, I got into a discussion with my class. Even the guys didn't want to wear it then why do I have to?

 

if you want to know how it ended:

Spoiler

2 teachers defended me for that and talked to the project teachers about it.

In the end, I won and got the teenage guy shirt.

 

 

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vmdraco

Why do far-right people think there's a "transgender/gay agenda"?  There's so many youtube videos about that garbage and I don't understand where they're getting this from.

 

I'm not being facetious, I'm genuinely baffled.  

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Dan99
30 minutes ago, vmdraco said:

Why do far-right people think there's a "transgender/gay agenda"?  There's so many youtube videos about that garbage and I don't understand where they're getting this from.

 

I'm not being facetious, I'm genuinely baffled.  

I guess because they believe that people can "choose" to be gay and/or transgender and can force it on other people. Even though that's not how those things f****** work.

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butterflydreams
57 minutes ago, vmdraco said:

Why do far-right people think there's a "transgender/gay agenda"?  There's so many youtube videos about that garbage and I don't understand where they're getting this from.

 

I'm not being facetious, I'm genuinely baffled.  

I dunno, but I find those videos to be hilarious. They’re so paranoid.

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