Trans Musings & Rantings

[Kelpie]

I feel like such an impostor. I know that the fact that in a few months I'll probably see the first effects of T fills me with so much joy and I can't wait to see the day where I don't have to see this fucking breasts again - but I still feel like I'm just faking this. I still have 2 months until my doctor's appointment and every day that I don't do anything to become "more male" I think that all this disruption I'm causing is just not worth it. I'm constantly thinking that everyone must think I'm fake because I still haven't changed. I know it takes years and I can't change the fact that I have to wait so many months, but it's still agonizing. I just don't know what to do. Going back is not possible but I just want it to be 2 months in the future. Urgh.  

[Starbogen]

5 hours ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

I never did tell my extended family that I'm trans, they live 1200 miles away, and I rarely see them. There was one time that I saw them since I transitioned, and they just assumed that I was my brother. I didn't bother correcting them, it would have been way too much drama to try to explain to great-uncle Max the conspiracy theorist , or second cousin Joe, the family drunk who had already been into the "stumble juice" (a.k.a. homemade moonshine), that I was trans.

Same dude, I never see my extended family except maybe an uncle or two every who knows how many years so I didn't even think  of telling them. 

Then one of those uncles randomly came by the house and took one look at me and thought I was my little brother. I was both mentally celebrating and terrified at the same time though cause he said it in front of my very unsupportive dad, but in the end my dad didn't get angry he just "corrected" him. But anyway I'll always treasure that little moment as the time my dad had to face the reality that even if he doesn't believe in me being trans I at least do look like a guy. 

[nerdperson777]

13 hours ago, vmdraco said:

That's awesome dude, glad you didn't have a lot of negative experiences with you coming out, but I disagree that it makes you naive.  It sounds like you know that for most situations it will be negative, but in your situation it just made it easier to transition when you didn't have to constantly worry about what an unsupportive family member would say (generalizing tho, idk if there was that one person who hated it).   

 

I hesitate because my godparent's are basically my dad's friends, and my dad is not supportive, but why I want to tell my godparents is because whenever they do come over to visit it's like we're seeing old friends again.  We all get along great.  As far as I know they are more progressive, but I don't know and it's scary because I'm nervous of ruining something, ya know?  I'm closer to my dad's side than my mom's, too, so I worry about their reactions the most.  My gramie especially.  She's the type that when she hears something "juicy" from someone she will blab about it to anyone who isn't you. 

 

"Oh my god did you hear that my granddaughter wants to be....... *gulp*  A MAN???!!!  She told me she's a transgender DO YOU THINK SHE'LL WANT A PENIS???" 

 

I don't see any extended family members unless it's for holidays or family get-togethers, so I could go for a long time without people getting a clue.  The only time I probably would have to tell people is when I'll start T (whenever the fuck that is lmao) and it'll be unavoidable.  The last thing I want is a bunch of phone calls and texts, or worse someone talking about it on social media openly while I'm pre-everything as if I'm some crazy science experiment to chat about over tea and biscuits when I'm clearly not ready for it to be universal on an emotional level.

I'm not sure if my extended family members will ever truly notice.  I don't plan on going on a full dose and my voice is pretty deep to begin with, but can go high if I want to.  The only thing they could possibly notice is my darker than average peach fuzz, and if I'm wearing shorts, more leg hair.  The reason why I can't change my name completely on social media because an aunt and uncle added me a year or two before I discovered my gender.  Unless I just unadded them, but I think they would notice.

 

8 hours ago, Liebelit said:

Same dude, I never see my extended family except maybe an uncle or two every who knows how many years so I didn't even think  of telling them. 

Then one of those uncles randomly came by the house and took one look at me and thought I was my little brother. I was both mentally celebrating and terrified at the same time though cause he said it in front of my very unsupportive dad, but in the end my dad didn't get angry he just "corrected" him. But anyway I'll always treasure that little moment as the time my dad had to face the reality that even if he doesn't believe in me being trans I at least do look like a guy. 

That's when I wish I had siblings.  When I first cut my hair, my relatives said that I look like a younger version of my closest in age cousin, who is two years older.  So I look like him when he was 10 maybe.  Not sure what's with the cousin resemblances because that cousin's brother looks almost like a twin of another one of our cousins.

[Emery.]

Nerdperson, have you considered having a different account on social media?

[Jean of Arc]

15 hours ago, Kelpie said:

I feel like such an impostor. I know that the fact that in a few months I'll probably see the first effects of T fills me with so much joy and I can't wait to see the day where I don't have to see this fucking breasts again - but I still feel like I'm just faking this. I still have 2 months until my doctor's appointment and every day that I don't do anything to become "more male" I think that all this disruption I'm causing is just not worth it. I'm constantly thinking that everyone must think I'm fake because I still haven't changed. I know it takes years and I can't change the fact that I have to wait so many months, but it's still agonizing. I just don't know what to do. Going back is not possible but I just want it to be 2 months in the future. Urgh.  

If this is what you want, to start T and transition and that makes you happy, that's the point! You don't have the obligation to prove to everyone in every single moment your identity. How you will look, they will see eventualy. You know your feelings are true, and that matters a lot. Don't be so hard on you ^^

[Kelpie]

15 hours ago, Jean of Arc said:

If this is what you want, to start T and transition and that makes you happy, that's the point! You don't have the obligation to prove to everyone in every single moment your identity. How you will look, they will see eventualy. You know your feelings are true, and that matters a lot. Don't be so hard on you ^^

I know! I hate these thoughts but I thought it would be important to write them down. Because while I often doubt myself I notice that when I talk to people about it the doubts go away. I don't feel like I'm faking it or just saying it to keep up with appearances, you know? Thank you <3 

[nerdperson777]

On 8/20/2017 at 0:13 AM, Emery. said:

Nerdperson, have you considered having a different account on social media?

I'm not really one for social media but I had to have one for club reasons in college.  I find having more than one account for things is too much work and I can mess up posts by accidentally posting on the wrong one, etc.  I always make posts as friends except family.

[Jean of Arc]

10 hours ago, Kelpie said:

I know! I hate these thoughts but I thought it would be important to write them down. Because while I often doubt myself I notice that when I talk to people about it the doubts go away. I don't feel like I'm faking it or just saying it to keep up with appearances, you know? Thank you <3 

Writing is sure a good method to manage feelings and emotions, I usually do that and is very helpful. You can tell everything you need here!

[999papercranes]

Warning: huge rant

 

I had a really long talk with my mom yesterday as we were biking... I told her when I came out to her that she was free to ask questions, and now every time that we're alone she has these long talks with me. I'm naturally a very private person so it's hard for me to discuss things with other people without feeling trapped or getting offended easily. 

She basically started off by saying, "Well maybe you're aromantic and agender because you don't think you're attractive, and you don't think guys will like you, so you try to reject them before they can reject you." She then proceeded to say, "Lauren, you're such a beautiful girl, and I don't know why you can't see that. Guys look at you all of the time."

I don't think she understands that I physically can't see myself as attractive BECAUSE it means that I'm a girl. I can't because when I look in the mirror, I see a face that I hate. She doesn't understand hating my body, because it's "the body God gave me." She told me about being aromantic, "But you always wanted a boyfriend in middle school." 

Mom. I was twelve. I had no friends and I was sad and lonely. I wanted to be like the other cool girls with boyfriends, because maybe I would be cool too. 

She thinks I'm trying to use labels to isolate myself from people. She thinks I should be myself. She thinks I should just be happy. How can I be myself when I don't even know who I am? Doesn't she know how hard I'm trying to be happy? 

It's just so hard sometimes. And I know it'll get worse when school starts in two days. I'll be birth-named and misgendered on the daily all because I'm trapped like this until three more years and I'm afraid of what I might do. I've already began to depersonalize a lot in the school year. It's kind of a problem... I get really forgetful and zoned-out because I keep my brain floating above myself, entertained with random fantasies, while my body does the chore of reality. 

[Leolith]

(I need to get this out of my system)

 

I'm tired. Over the last months I barely left the house unless I had to and only met a very small circle of people who are aware of me being non-binary, so things didn't look that bad. But it seems like even my close friends/family don't fully understand and just pretend in front of me. I've legally changed my name 1 year ago and I still get deadnamed by them often. Pronouns in German are tricky (there's no gender neutral one that I like) and the German equivalents of he/she/it make me feel bad.

I'm happiest when I'm alone, it's when I feel peaceful, knowing that gender doesn't matter. But as soon as other people are around, I get conscious that I'm judged and want to vanish.

The last week rubbed in that I'm universally read as my gender assigned at birth and it has left me exhausted and without answers.

 

[Toothlesss]

I have no sympathy or empathy for my racist, homo/transphobic neighbor.  They can't see us for who we really are as humans, and I feel like I'm playing a role in a show (with less fun than being onstage) whenever I'm over there. Her whole group of friends is mostly negative people who can't stop talking about their problems. 

She can't see me for who I really am, and I have better luck being myself around my right-leaning aunts and uncles, than her. Then again- to be fair to my aunt's and uncles, they are parents who know their children are different from them. 

I'm usually more sympathetic, but when I can feel deep down in my gut feelings just how much you hate trans people,  homo/bi/pansexual people, PoC's and other different groups- I have no sympathy for you, and my lack of it grew after Aug. 12.  

[Iota Tau]

Classes started today, and it went well. Well, other than being seen as the other female...It's made me reconsider if I want to not go on hormones. It might be that I do just long enough for my voice to have changed, then stop.

 

And I chickened out on specifying even they/them pronouns in the informal writing thing (the last paragraph was about your weaknesses and anything else you wanted the teacher to know; it's a freshperson composition class), but hopefully including that my preferred pronouns are he/him will help (as they are much better than the alternative binary pronouns).

[vmdraco]

Idk if this is just something I'm overthinking and over-analyzing but here it goes...

 

I've noticed that while I'm at work, the older ladies (ones over 50 or so) tend to refer to me and my sister in a way that's like... motherly?  For lack of a better word.  Firstly I don't think that's inherently bad, it's not a horrible thing for an older person to be really nice and calling people younger than them something endearing, I think that's really sweet.  However when my sis and I first got the job and one of the higher-ups announced us both as "young ladies", the women with us in the back room ever since then respond to me as if they're like "aw... a girl that's so nice".  Am I making sense?  They don't really do this with the men my age, as far as I could tell, it's usually just with my sis and I.   

 

Honestly I find it a bit creepy, as if they want to be motherly towards me in the way that they would a girl when I'm their coworker.  I don't want to be treated like a pweacious little girly girl to ever girl, I'm a grown ass man who don't... need no man?  Sure.  I get that I'm not out so their response is typical I guess but... still.  It makes me uncomfortable.

 

I feel like an asshole when I don't really respond emotionally to anyone, and sometimes because I'm not very warm or friendly from shutting my brain off I feel like I'm giving off a bad vibe.  I'm a friendly person I swear!  

 

The only people that I tolerate until I can go back to school are the younger guys because at least they don't treat me like a damn wallflower who needs help picking shit up all the time (I'm a noodle and can't pick up something over 30-40 pounds but I don't need people to babysit me).  That and one of them wears black nail polish and Miyazaki film sweaters, and the other listens to music I grew up on so their entire song library is nostalgia.  I heard one of them listen to an audiobook of Twilight during break one day.  They're my favorites, never change my dudes ya'll are wholesome lol   

[Was here]

Spoiler

I just took a shower and started crying over having a clit instead of a penis. I feel so pathetic for hating my genitals. I'm not supposed to hate my genitals, but I do. I'm supposed to want and like having these parts but I don't. It feels weird and wrong on my body, at least when i think about sex or the idea of masturbating, which i don't and will never do while I have these disgusting and disappointing things between my legs. I'm supposed to think the idea of being the opposite sex or having their genitals is gross, but I don't. I can't stand it anymore, and I don't want surgery; I'm terrified of it, it's not good enough, and i can't come out to my parents about it or they'll think I'm being all ocd again. maybe I am just being weird and just desperate to be different or something. i don't know. i have a problem believing in myself over other people; other people are right and i never am, according to my brain. https://futurism.com/neuroreality-the-new-reality-is-coming-and-its-a-brain-computer-interface/ i want VR to develop faster (i don't want to talk about why and it's obvious why; it just feels embarrassing) but that's not happening any damn time soon and I hate it. they're hyping up VR like we'll be living in it and shit, but they never do anything. they say we'll have it like that by 204-fucking-5 and i hate that. i hate that i started questioning my gender, that i'm not willing to pack or ever get surgery or anything because i'm that damn stubborn and if it's not perfect, i won't accept it. i hate that i couldn't have just been born male, but if i was a guy i'd probably want to desperately be a girl to, so what if i'm wrong and i'm just a confused mess? i wish i could just forget about it and accept how my body is, but bottom dysphoria is on y mind every day, and has been for months. I wish I didn't tell my mom i thought i'm trans because of a kid at school coming out, that was stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid, and now she'll probably never believe me about anything related to it. she'll just say,"is it because you're friend is transgender and you're still freaking out about it?" when in reality i thought it more in depth since then and i thought about it long before my friend came out as trans.

spoiler for TMI and the same annoying overthinking shit i do all the time, i just felt like venting about things. I'm not looking for help either and don't tell me about me being obsessive and overthinking. i know i am. i can't help it. i've always been obsessive in general. it's the way i think. if i could stop i would, but i can't. don't tell me that my AFAB parts are amazing too and that i should accept my body because it's beautiful, because i can't no matter how much anyone tries to convince me. i hate this body for some reason and can't comprehend why any cis girl likes having a body like this. don't think i want a penis for male privilege or something, waning a penis because of feminism, male privilege or wanting to bee seen as a "strong, independent woman" or whatever doesn't make any sense. 

 

I'm sorry about this rant, just a lot of emotion in me right now making me type the same thing over and over. I hope i'm not breaking ToS with this. yes, i serously just worried about that.

 

I'm gonna regret this entire post now.

[Emery.]

8 hours ago, Vislor said:

Classes started today, and it went well. Well, other than being seen as the other female...It's made me reconsider if I want to not go on hormones. It might be that I do just long enough for my voice to have changed, then stop.

I wonder how I'll feel when classes start... or I'm rather afraid of it...

 

7 hours ago, vmdraco said:

Honestly I find it a bit creepy,

Because it is, no matter if you're cis or trans :/ I don't personally know anyone who likes this response, people I know like to be treated like sane adults.

[nerdperson777]

On 8/21/2017 at 5:15 PM, (D)anny said:

don't tell me that my AFAB parts are amazing too and that i should accept my body because it's beautiful, because i can't no matter how much anyone tries to convince me. i hate this body for some reason and can't comprehend why any cis girl likes having a body like this. don't think i want a penis for male privilege or something, waning a penis because of feminism, male privilege or wanting to bee seen as a "strong, independent woman" or whatever doesn't make any sense.

We're not going tell you that.  This is a trans space for a reason.  The trans people here shouldn't tell you that when we most likely hate our parts too.

[Guest]

@(D)anny It's okay! That's what this place is for so no worries, we all understand how difficult it is sometimes. 

 

Spoiler mini rant

 

Sometimes i wish i was a guy so i don't have to deal with work idiots who always think your out to have sex with them or want to date them even.These are the times i hate being FAB

 

 

 

[nerdperson777]

1 minute ago, Jayce said:

 

  Hide contents

Sometimes i wish i was a guy so i don't have to deal with work idiots who always think your out to have sex with them or want to date them even.These are the times i hate being FAB

 

Correction: You can't hate being fabulous.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, nerdperson777 said:

Correction: You can't hate being fabulous.

 At least the last guy who tried to hit on me got a lovely taste of my fabulous diva vocabulaire   

[Starbogen]

@Jayce That has literally never happened to me, even when I didn't pass. I just made an ugly "girl" and these days I'm pretty thankful for that :/ 

So yeah.. Imo it doesn't have so much to do with being afab as with being an afab whose looks fit into the image that's seen as typically attractive for (people perceived as) women. 

 

But hey, you are a guy right? (At least judging by what it says on your gender and pronouns) So don't let those people make you feel any differently. If it had happened to me I would have probably been weirded out but also kind of amused that they were hitting on a guy without knowing it. 

[Emery.]

@Jayce I'm often fed up with this too. Don't they think I have a say about who I date too?

[butterflydreams]

Using "but trans people are such a small percentage of the population" to justify excluding us or treating us poorly.

 

And speaking of which, the incidence rate is 3-6 per 1000. I see people jumbling the actual percentage all the freaking time and it's maddening. 0.3%. Not 0.03%. 0.003 is the numerical non-percentage value. 3 one thousandths. Three. One. Thousandths. Go back to school. Retake basic math.

 

So even in my small town of 1000, there are about 5 of us. A large town with 20000 people should statistically have about 60-120 trans people. It's ridiculous that small numbers justify treating a population like shit. That's not how America is supposed to work.

[daveb]

31 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

Using "but trans people are such a small percentage of the population" to justify excluding us or treating us poorly.

You're absolutely right! That's totally wrong. Everyone deserves the same rights and considerations, regardless of numbers.

[Kimmie.]

39 minutes ago, daveb said:

You're absolutely right! That's totally wrong. Everyone deserves the same rights and considerations, regardless of numbers.

Yeah it is so sad that some people use that as a reason to not included people. 

[vmdraco]

Spoiler

So... got a call from my mom.  Apparently my gramie's birthday is coming up, and since we're going up to our little camp and staying for the coming weekend, we are also driving up to my uncle's campsite so we have our little party or something for her on the beach.   

 

The terrifying problem: almost the entirety of my dad's side will be there.  My many cousins (all female), a few of said cousins' boyfriends I bet, my uncles and their wives, gramie, jfc everyone under the sun.  I haven't seen them or heard from them since the holidays, which was around the time I realized I was trans.  So I'll of course be presenting the way I want because there's no way in hell am I putting myself through dysphoria for a bunch of people I barely see, but I know I'm going to be so uncomfortable like holy shit.  I don't know how I'll navigate this.  And here I was looking forward to the weekend because Friday is my last day at work and I won't have to worry about shit and just pack for school, but thanks God.  Here I was thinking I'll finally be free of the longest summer in history

 

This shit is unavoidable; it's one of those family gatherings that you can't skip, I can't just say "I don't want to go" because my parents won't hear the end of it or guilt trip/force me into it because "your gramie is getting older and she won't be around much longer".  So sure, fam, let's insert me into said environment where no one knows I'm trans, fully knowing that I'll have to keep it a secret (since I'm not emotionally prepared for anyone outside my immediate family to know right now) and pretend that I'm cis and as a result making me feel like a fake piece of garbage and not to mention miserable.  And cue a bunch of condescending questions about what I'll be doing in five years from people who think they know a damn thing about my life. 

 

I'm the saltiest person alive right now.  I'm just angry that there's this obligation when I honestly just sit around and draw or read a book the whole time; this happens at every birthday party or gathering when my extended family is concerned since forever.  Literally what is the point of me, or my sister for that matter, being there?  Yeah she's my gramie, yes we see her a lot, and yeah I'm making a big deal out of something that I've done before, but this time it's different.  This time it's with the dysphoria and other people calling me my birth name and female pronouns and it fucking hurts.  I know my mom understands that it sucks, but it's under a layer of "well I know it sucks but you're going to have to do some things in life you don't want to do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"  L O L mom, it isn't even a matter of if it's a matter of when. 

 

If I come out, and go to these gatherings with or without taking hormones, I'll bet you real money that I'll be put on the spot; people will ask unnecessary questions, they'll deny my existence, they'll probably think I'm crazy.  I'm assuming a lot but I'd be pretty damn naive if I thought it'll all go smoothly and everyone would be fine with it.  I feel that's what my parents don't understand, or if they know that, they won't think it's that bad.  They don't know just how terrifying it is to confront people that you've known for your entire life and wonder about whether or not they'll deny your ability to be.  That one family member you liked or got along with the best may become your worst enemy.  Shit's fucking scary, to feel alienated like that.  I've always felt alien around them, but when I do come out I'll be the throbbing sore thumb that no one noticed until now.

 

I need the damn Doctor and his TARDIS so I can skip to the Labor Day weekend when I'll be in my new dorm with my friends, away from here.  It cannot come any sooner.

 

 

It's so long I'm sorry, I needed this off my chest :/

[Was here]

13 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

We're not going tell you that.  This is a trans space for a reason.  The trans people here shouldn't tell you that when we most likely hate our parts too.

I'm sorry for saying all that, i just got angry and freaked out because of some things i see online. i misinterpret people a lot and get confused about if what they're saying is an insult or something because i'm stupidly defensive. i also saw something from a possible trans person (AFAB) and someone told them that "vaginas are amazing too and you should love your body the way it is" so i got worried someone would tell me that somewhere someday :/

 

i really regret posting that long rant. (but i'm going to keep it up since i typed all of that; i spent like 3 minutes debating whether i should say this or not because it looked dumb to say i'm not deleting it)

[Emery.]

Danny. Don't be sorry. There is no reason why you need to be sorry. You don't need to apologise for your feelings. It looks like someone in your closest family really keeps on telling you're being silly for having feelings. This is not true. Why on Earth should that be wrong? Just why? We're all human. Human beings have feelongs. That's how things are. You can be wrong sometimes for the very same reasons. We're all just human. Humans are wrong sometimes. Nothing shameful about it. You just doubt yourself way too much. 

[Starbogen]

@vmdraco Yeah..that does sound like it will suck. Good luck, dude. 

Something I do is that every single time someone calls me the wrong name I say "that's not my name" either mentally or very very quietly so only I can hear it, and I've been staring to do the same with other female terms. It doesn't make it any less sucky but at least I feel a little more like I'm not just taking it without a protest. 

Also yeah, the words that I've been associating with being trans a lot lately are "alienated" and "isolated", not just from my family but from the world and most humans in general, so I get what you mean. 

[999papercranes]

To help combat dysphoria since going back to school, I put a little adhesive paper on the back of my necklace where nobody can see it. It says "Hi Parker" so whenever I'm feeling miserable about being constantly birthnamed, I can look at it and feel a little better. Stupid, I know. But it's something. 

[Was here]

2 hours ago, Emery. said:

Danny. Don't be sorry. There is no reason why you need to be sorry. You don't need to apologise for your feelings. It looks like someone in your closest family really keeps on telling you're being silly for having feelings. This is not true. Why on Earth should that be wrong? Just why? We're all human. Human beings have feelongs. That's how things are. You can be wrong sometimes for the very same reasons. We're all just human. Humans are wrong sometimes. Nothing shameful about it. You just doubt yourself way too much. 

It's not my family really, it's random people online whose opinions i shouldn't care about but take way too seriously. all my family (my mom, because i havn't told anyone  else nor do i want to) told me she doesn't think i'm trans and didn't give a reason for it. not in a mean way, just a straight,"i don't think you're transgender" then proceeded to to tell me that we should do something about it if i think i am as if it's some terrible disease. she doesn't think trans people are mentally ill, it was just the way she said it. i told her the wrong way anyway, i've been thinking about this a lot for the past year or two and actually brought it up after someone at school came out as trans, and she didn't believe because i said something like,"you know how that kid at school is transgender? sometimes i think i am". it doesn't really matter to me anymore though because i can't do anything about it and even if i could in a way i'd want, i wouldn't want to come out to my family because they probably wouldn't believe me or make fun of me, like i'm too feminine to be a guy or how i'm emotional or something. not that they would, it's just my anxiety about it.