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Mezzo Forte
3 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

It's funny when I originally showed up here, I gravitated right to this forum very quickly. My thinking was kind of along the lines of, "hey, these people get to transition and I don't?!" As though it was something I always wanted to do. That thought is comforting sometimes, that I probably always knew what I was.

I actually feel like I had that outside of AVEN, especially seeing transmen in person. I still remember being so captivated seeing that FtM guest speaking at my university in early 2013, seeing a T progress video for the first time. I remember thinking something along the lines of "holy shit, that's amazing. Too bad I can't do that." Plus, there was the whole "living vicariously through others' beards" thing.

 

I had a way of rooting for this one FtM friend (from my middle school days) from afar. He shared a lot about his life on Facebook, and his stuff was always on my feed, so I just kept watching and hoping that things would go his way someday. He committed suicide a few months before I came out to myself, and I sometimes feel bad about how much that shook me considering how uninvolved I was in his life. I think that's why I go out of my way to contact friends who come out on Facebook and offer support, even despite the awkwardness of making cold contact. Even if I want to root from afar, it's better that they know that someone's on their side since that's one more positive voice who has some capacity to help them. More often than not, people like chatting with me one-on-one about HRT and surgery stuff, and I'm glad I can use my experience to assuage their fears and not feel so overwhelmed. :) 

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Mezzo Forte
4 hours ago, Emery. said:

*hug* It's gonna be fine. Hm. I forgot. Guys don't hug. But I'm trans and a bit gay so I can hug everyone :P

Gotta love that male touch barrier. :lol: Glad I have some friends who don't really give a shit about that. I still remember when a Chilean friend gave me a small gift for playing in his recital last November, and I couldn't tell what the appropriate gesture was to say thanks. I started for a hug and thought "oh shit, is that okay?" and then switched to try and give a handshake. He caught what I was doing and said "you were going for a hug, weren't you?" and he then opened his arms up for a hug. He's a married straight dude too. :P

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butterflydreams

@Mezzo Forte that kind of reminds me of something I was thinking about yesterday when talking to a friend, about what it means to be a good ally. I know in my head I'm like, "the concept of being an ally is dumb." But it's only dumb to me in the way I normally see it. My friend was saying how she'd definitely step up and say something if she saw anyone getting harassed in a bathroom, cis or trans. And I thought, wow, to know that people like you are out there. I hope there are more.

 

It's easy to feel like we are a burden, we are disgusting, suicide-prone freaks. With all the rhetoric out there. It's hard not to feel isolated and alone. But just knowing one person who would stand up and defend me, it changed my whole perspective. Being an ally isn't about being voiciferous, loud or going to pride marches, or rallies or anything like that. To me, being an ally is just saying, "I've got your back."

 

And in line with trans people helping other trans people, I find myself constantly skirting a line I didn't think I'd have issue with. And that's whether to keep quiet about who/what I am or speak up, even if people can tell. That decision is mine to make, and a very personal one, but I find myself looking for ways I can preserve my history from some people, but share it with the right people who it could help. I try really hard to be that person here. I know I'm kind of a mess in a lot of ways, but that just means I've been there. I may not be able to pull myself out of it yet, but I'm there, and I haven't succumbed to the worst stuff yet. That says something to others who might be struggling.

 

It's just hard when you feel alone I think. That's the biggest thing I think is worth taking away. It's hard being alone. 

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37 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Gotta love that male touch barrier. :lol: Glad I have some friends who don't really give a shit about that. I still remember when a Chilean friend gave me a small gift for playing in his recital last November, and I couldn't tell what the appropriate gesture was to say thanks. I started for a hug and thought "oh shit, is that okay?" and then switched to try and give a handshake. He caught what I was doing and said "you were going for a hug, weren't you?" and he then opened his arms up for a hug. He's a married straight dude too. :P

Yeah... I was never touchy to be honest, but sometimes... sometimes...

 

I think handshake is the thing to do, at least this is what one of my friends told me. I mean guys shake hands all the time, no matter what. Bro fist is an alternative for the cool people :lol: Sometimes men do hug, I think. But that carries some extra friendliness. And not all hug. I think those that are dads are more prone to hug. And drunk guys xD

 

Hey, Mezzo. It turns out that my mom had something against this one particular guitar I had, and I was not prone of this particular instrument either, so I sold it. What instrument would you recommend? Or singing lessons? I can drum, not like a pro, but still. I learnt it for several years. I used to have piano and guitar lessons, but I always lacked the patience, so I ended on one year of both and until now I forgot most of that by now. But I'm kind of desperate to do some music in order to have something fun I could do with others. Some... tips? :)

 

I'd rather do some visual arts, because I'm better at that, but it doesn't bring you together with others as much as performing arts. Writing too. I do write, but again, that's a loner thing. I guess there's dancing and theartre as well, and filmmaking, but that requires a bit more organisation than music and more people to make things work. Most sports are things you do alone too, and team sports were never my thing. I plan to go back to karate this autumn, btw.

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spoilered for politics

Spoiler

I wanted to say something about Trump's banning of transgendered people in the military, but I don't want to get into Hotbox/PPS territory/rancor. My thought is that it's a cynical ploy to appeal to his base and/or distract from other issues (the Russia investigation, the healthcare stuff in the Senate, etc.). In other words, like some of his other words and actions (against Comey, Mueller, Sessions, etc.) he's "throwing at least the T part of LGBT under the bus". Anyone who expects him to support them should know by now that he looks out for himself (and family?) first and foremost (arguably even solely) and will toss aside anyone when it suits him. So, so long LGBT rights. And the DoJ/Sessions/Pence/et al aren't going to come to your defense. :(

 

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@daveb I agree. It's just showing off, throw someone under the bus just to show he is capable of it... *sigh*

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butterflydreams

@daveb, I totally agree, throwing the T under the bus.

 

While the method is poor, and the delivery of the news was tactless, I find myself not understanding the rest of it. You can be discharged from the military for all kinds of things. Heck, they'd discharge me because my depression is so bad. Is the issue because they think being trans is a medical issue that can affect your combat readiness? I can't imagine it does in most cases. Some, sure, but not all.

 

I do disagree that being trans de facto reduces your combat readiness. That's clearly not the case. Suggesting that is pretty awful imo.

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1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Gotta love that male touch barrier. :lol: Glad I have some friends who don't really give a shit about that

Hmmm... I have a friend who's a decent pillow...

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Mezzo Forte
33 minutes ago, Emery. said:

I think handshake is the thing to do, at least this is what one of my friends told me. I mean guys shake hands all the time, no matter what. Bro fist is an alternative for the cool people :lol: Sometimes men do hug, I think. But that carries some extra friendliness. And not all hug. I think those that are dads are more prone to hug. And drunk guys xD

Oh man, drunk guys do get entertainingly touchy. :lol: I will admit that I often do that quasi-macho hug w/ back pat, and did that long before I transitioned. Plus, some of the non-tactile greetings like the head nod are fun. :P

 

Drum talk

Spoiler
36 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Hey, Mezzo. It turns out that my mom had something against this one particular guitar I had, and I was not prone of this particular instrument either, so I sold it. What instrument would you recommend? Or singing lessons? I can drum, not like a pro, but still. I learnt it for several years. I used to have piano and guitar lessons, but I always lacked the patience, so I ended on one year of both and until now I forgot most of that by now. But I'm kind of desperate to do some music in order to have something fun I could do with others. Some... tips? :)

 

I'd rather do some visual arts, because I'm better at that, but it doesn't bring you together with others as much as performing arts. Writing too. I do write, but again, that's a loner thing. I guess there's dancing and theartre as well, and filmmaking, but that requires a bit more organisation than music and more people to make things work. Most sports are things you do alone too, and team sports were never my thing. I plan to go back to karate this autumn, btw.

Well, as a percussionist, I'm a little biased towards drums :P If you want to play with people, I think the djembe and cajon are pretty versatile even if you haven't really developed hand drum techniques. Most the basic tones are simple to figure out on your own, so even if the slap/pop takes a lot more time/patience to develop, (which it will; the slap improves with lots of time/persistence,) you still have access to enough sounds to mess around casually. Kind of wish I owned a djembe and cajon now :P

 

If you do like drumming, maybe consider building up a drum set if you haven't already. Honestly, I envy the people who just *get* drumset with no formal knowledge. Drum set often feels like a dialect that I just can't speak. It's a super versatile instrument for playing with others though, so it's a good option if you have it.

 

That said, one of the chillest moments I've ever had was this improv session where I was on berimbau, and my friend was on darabouka, so I think the best instrument for you also involves the company you keep and the sounds you like.

 

One instrument I would absolutely love to own for improv is a handpan, but most of those are way too expensive and hard to purchase to justify the money/effort, especially since it has way less gigging potential than the other instruments I could buy with that money. They're beautiful instruments, and if you're willing to settle for a lower-quality sound, there are some cheaper similar instruments like the ones HapiTones sells.

 

I really want a vibraphone too, since it has so much gigging potential and is such fun, but lower-end ones are still over $2k. You could use piano background to learn that instrument, but there's a higher learning curve compared to the other instruments I mentioned, especially if you want to learn 4-mallet techniques. :P

 

I'm kind of tempted to buy an udu for improv purposes though since 1) they sound cool, 2) they're fun to play, and 3) they're soft-spoken instruments, so I can play one guilt-free in an apartment environment. Might be a bit quiet for playing with others thought.

 

My sis had a way of not really sticking with instruments long-term, but found that ukulele clicked with her, especially because she could sing while playing. Don't know if that's up your alley since guitar never stuck, but still worth mentioning. I'm contemplating trying cavaquinho one day :P

 

Welp, I hope that didn't end up too much of a percussion mini wish list :lol:

 

 

Another thought about performing arts is improv theatre. No prep work necessary, especially if you're just doing it for fun and don't feel pressured to be perfect. Local dances can also be super social, especially since a lot of popular dances are coupled dances, so those options are open to you too!

 

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7 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Oh man, drunk guys do get entertainingly touchy. :lol: I will admit that I often do that quasi-macho hug w/ back pat, and did that long before I transitioned. Plus, some of the non-tactile greetings like the head nod are fun. :P

Ugh, one kid at homecoming was probably drunk or high and gave me a bit of a hug, that back pat thing. 

Nodding is fun. I think I overdo it sometimes...

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Mezzo Forte
1 minute ago, BionicPi said:

Ugh, one kid at homecoming was probably drunk or high and gave me a bit of a hug, that back pat thing. 

Nodding is fun. I think I overdo it sometimes...

That back pat can be a pretty aggressive hug sometimes. I actually have a friend who's a particularly aggressive woman, and you really feel those back pats. If she goes for a normal hug, then it quickly turns into a *squeeze the ribcage and lift* kind of hugs. There's a lot of women in my life who have more masculine personalities than me. :P

 

I should probably say that drunk people in general get touchy-feely though. I know plenty of people who get really affectionate when inebriated. :lol: I don't drink, but the only reason I would ever consider getting buzzed is to see what it's like to improvise on my drums while in an altered state of mind. Never even been buzzed though, so I have no idea if I'd be more touchy. I can bet that my mouth would have zero filter though :lol:

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6 hours ago, Emery. said:

@(D)anny. I'm not eager to tell that to anyone but: you are overthinking this. Things are sometimes unclear. End of story. Be what you are most comfortable being. I think you should stop questioning whether you are trans or not. Try things out instead. See how different gender expressions make you feel. You are definitely going down the "trans enough" rabbit hole. Or "cis enough" perhabs. Sometimes, we just *can't* know. 

 

*hug* It's gonna be fine. Hm. I forgot. Guys don't hug. But I'm trans and a bit gay so I can hug everyone :P Anyway. Have you heard about quantum mechanics? Heisenberg's principle of uncertainty? Google it. Definitely. What it is about is that we just can't know certain things by the very nature of perception. We use photons to perceive things. They have certain parameters and this puts accodring limits on us. 

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 


Okay. Look. Everyone's vagina is ugly. I assure you. Disgusting. Genitals are disgusting and wierd. Penises and balls are quite bad too. If you didn't see anyone else's genitals, you can find photos in the internet. Not Wikipedia and not porn. Those are not realistic. I can't remember the name right now, but there is a project to normalise the look of different body parts and they pasted hundreads of photos. I think it was Embarassing Bodies? You can tae a look. Vaginas are veeeery different and not too pretty. Vaginas of normal people, not porn models who had plastic surgeries. 

 

Sex is disgusting and scary too. Even for someone like me whose libido is quite high. It's a very intimate thing, you are very vulnerable, everyone has insecurities about this topic... Sex can have permanent consequences like babies and STDs, and it releases very strong emotions too, which has its serious consequences too. It's your body, your integrity as a living being, you give someone every opportunity to hurt you if you have sex with them. Those parts of your body are very sensitive too, just like feelings about them. Anyway... not only your genitals are dusgusting. Everyone's are. With few exceptions. It's just a very animal and physiological activity to have sex and so forth. What you're feeling is perfectly normal.

 

 

Does that mean I'm cis and overthinking things if everyone's genitals are disgusting? Because I just meant that personally I hate my private parts and wish they where either different of not there.

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My mom told me about how when I was a toddler she painted my room pink and my first reaction was "Blech, ugly!" And then I chose to change it to green XD

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4 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

Does that mean I'm cis and overthinking things if everyone's genitals are disgusting? Because I just meant that personally I hate my private parts and wish they where either different of not there.

No, you can still be anything you feel comfortable being. It's your life :) No, you're overthinking the identity thing. Thinking about it is bringing you nowhere, you're stuck. Think how to express yourself instead. Like, more practical things. What you want from your body, gender expression (hobbies, occupation, personality and so forth), social functioning, clothes, name, what behaviour feels natural for you... Try things out, see what makes you happy. Come out as the gender you see fit, see how that makes you feel. It's just... you're not obligated to anything because of how you feel about your parts or vice versa. Well... so do you have any idea what you'd like to or can do about your parts? Do you have an idea on how you'd like to be?

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Ha ha, I break hands with my handshakes apparently :lol: 

 

(D)anny, see? Mezzo knows a lot of women who have more masculine personalities than him, and he's trans. There's a lot of choice.

 

a nod? Maybe it's not fashionable here.

 

 

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9 minutes ago, Emery. said:

No, you can still be anything you feel comfortable being. It's your life :) No, you're overthinking the identity thing. Thinking about it is bringing you nowhere, you're stuck. Think how to express yourself instead. Like, more practical things. What you want from your body, gender expression (hobbies, occupation, personality and so forth), social functioning, clothes, name, what behaviour feels natural for you... Try things out, see what makes you happy. Come out as the gender you see fit, see how that makes you feel. It's just... you're not obligated to anything because of how you feel about your parts or vice versa. Well... so do you have any idea what you'd like to or can do about your parts? Do you have an idea on how you'd like to be?

I don't know what t do on the pats thing. spoiler for TW i guess

Spoiler

I'm terrified of surgery and I'm stubborn, so unless surgery could give me a cis-male penis, I wouldn't accept anything less.

 

i should stop overthinking this gender stuff, i agree, and just be myself, I keep pressuring myself into things that are completely my choice (transition,pronouns,etc). I'm  not accepting that i could non-binary either (not that i am, just not accepting that as a possibility).

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Drums...



Oh wow, there seems like a whole world of percussion instruments! Yeah, that's kind of what you play... I should have noticed by now xD Maybe that's not that bad of an idea to get the percussion/drums going again. At least I always had fun with it. 

 

Yeah, I lack formal training. I'd like to learn something from that department, but you have to pick an instrument that is not drums in order to do that. I feel like I lack the formal training quite often. I feel the deficit. I can sing along, but I can't hit the pitch right away, for example, when I hear it. I don't know what's going on melody-wise either. I think the melodies have to follow some patterns if you know enough of them, just like the rythms, but currently I have no clue. I mean I can read drum notes, right?

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Mezzo Forte
12 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

Does that mean I'm cis and overthinking things if everyone's genitals are disgusting? Because I just meant that personally I hate my private parts and wish they where either different of not there.

You still sound like you're overthinking things.

 

I think  @Emery.'s approach of looking at what you would/wouldn't like to do and then letting the label come to you is pretty wise. Sometimes, it's easier to admit things in smaller steps than to try and take in everything at once. I knew that I didn't like emphasizing my chest long before I even knew I was ace. I noticed I was uncomfortable with women's-cut shirts before I knew that I wanted top surgery/masculine fat distribution. I knew I wanted top surgery years before I knew I was trans, and I knew I wanted T before I was even comfortable with the thought of bottom surgery, and now I actively want bottom surgery.

 

I know it's hard to just turn off that part of your mind, but maybe just do smaller things, test the waters. Give yourself time :)

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23 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

I don't know what t do on the pats thing. spoiler for TW i guess

  Reveal hidden contents

I'm terrified of surgery and I'm stubborn, so unless surgery could give me a cis-male penis, I wouldn't accept anything less.

 

i should stop overthinking this gender stuff, i agree, and just be myself, I keep pressuring myself into things that are completely my choice (transition,pronouns,etc). I'm  not accepting that i could non-binary either (not that i am, just not accepting that as a possibility).

 

I get it. I wouldn't want surgery for the same reasons. My disgust wore off with age and I still have a sex problem... I guess I can deal with a strap-on, or just an understanding partner. For comparison... my whole issue with my parts is that my brain thinks I have male ones, while in reality I have famale ones, and all in all it's a pain in the butt, in ugly words. I can't win. But I can live with that, I have to, somehow.

 

Maybe not "just be yourself", well, or it just never worked for me. I mean, I'm such a wierdo/individualist/non-conformist that I just ended up misunderstood. It's good you're trying things :) What and how makes you feel then, and why? You don't have to anwser, those questions are just meant to help, to be some guidance. Can you see my signature, the one about languages? That's about the misunderstanding going on xD I think... in the "just be yourself" advice, the omitted part is the reflection. If I were to add something, I'd say, be yourself - consciously. Act, reflect, draw conclusions, improve your actions, and so forth :) 

 

Why couldn't you be non-binary? 

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I'm sorry if I came across weird or rude or anything, I feel annoyed,bitter and stressed today. 

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Oh god I hadn't had bathroom issues/anxiety in a while..

I'm at a doctor's waiting office where the bathrooms outside need a key and they have my info so they know I'm afab and I was afraid that if I just asked for the key they would give me the one to the women's bathroom and that if I asked for the one to the men's they wouldn't give it to me. 

But I was worrying too much and it was fine, the person at the counter just told me red was for women's room and blue was for men's and I just picked up the blue one and went to pee happily.

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Mezzo Forte
6 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Drums...

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 


Oh wow, there seems like a whole world of percussion instruments! Yeah, that's kind of what you play... I should have noticed by now xD Maybe that's not that bad of an idea to get the percussion/drums going again. At least I always had fun with it. 

 

Yeah, I lack formal training. I'd like to learn something from that department, but you have to pick an instrument that is not drums in order to do that. I feel like I lack the formal training quite often. I feel the deficit. I can sing along, but I can't hit the pitch right away, for example, when I hear it. I don't know what's going on melody-wise either. I think the melodies have to follow some patterns if you know enough of them, just like the rythms, but currently I have no clue. I mean I can read drum notes, right?
 

 

 

Drums!

Spoiler

As far as I know, I've never heard of a culture that didn't have a way of making music that involved hitting something against another thing. Percussion is almost as universal as the human voice for music-making. That's partially why I love ethnomusicology as well as percussion. :) You should hear me when I really go off rambling. :lol:

 

As far as formal training goes, the most common way percussionists learn is by picking up pitched percussion instruments like marimba/vibraphone/xylophone/glockenspiel. The things you talk about make me think that you might want formal music theory training in particular though. I think some people have an instinct for theory and can work within the structures of theory unconsciously, but for me, that definitely wasn't the case. Theory can be super liberating to learn as a musician because it can empower you to really understand how music works. You sound like you already have some instinct, but just need to guide it along with some formal training to figure out how to utilize it.

 

If you still have some piano chops, you can use that to your advantage because keyboard-based instruments are fantastic for visualizing how theory works. I feel like it's easier to envision theory on a marimba than on a clarinet at least. :P You don't even need to be a competent pianist to really take advantage of that; just knowing where the pitches are on the piano makes a difference.

 

Honestly, Introductory theory is all you need for most music, especially if you mostly play popular genres. (Romantic period music can get a little absurd with chromaticism, and a lot of 20th-century music often uses completely different theoretical systems. Doubt you'd need the basics of 12-tone theory for jamming with friends.) Just understanding the concept of chord functions and the basics of how chord progressions work makes a huge difference.

 

If you lived anywhere near me, I'd invite you to randomly jam together. I wish I got to just jam with people more often.

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Gentle Giant

@Mezzo Forte I enjoy reading your music posts.

 

@Emery. I hope you can find the instrument that you'd feel comfortable playing. Really, I think Mezzo's suggestions of percussion instruments similar to keyboard/piano to be a good one! If not that, even just going with keyboard/piano. They are very versatile instruments.

 

Both of you, wish I could join you for some music playing too!

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1 hour ago, (D)anny said:

I'm sorry if I came across weird or rude or anything, I feel annoyed,bitter and stressed today. 

You indeed seem stressed... I don't perceive you as rude at all, just... lost and stressed about that. 

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ChillaKilla

@Mezzo Forte I'm a pianist, so I'm kind of a semi-percussionist, a percussionist due to technicalities :P Ever played accompaniment for a piano? Or do you just do it with the rest of the instruments as one band?

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Thanks a lot Mezzo. That clears up a lot. Piano/keyboard might be a good place to begin then. 

 

It took me a moment to figure out what you mean by working in the structures of theory unconsciously, but I think you're right and I have the feel for it, I tend to think in terms of structures first, no matter what I do. 

 

Uh, a continent apart.

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I'm not really a touchy person, but I do return hugs. Though sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes I don't. If it's a stranger, whether it be a family friend or family member I never met before, I still don't feel that confortable hugging them, but just do it anyway... If it's from a friend, I don't mind it at all and actually enjoy it. I'm just not really one to initiate it.

 

Oh boy, I don't even want to think about Trump and throwing the T under the bus... It makes me incredibly upset...

 

So I went to the gym today for the first time and started working out. I feel great! My mom had told me that she could tell how I've been losing weight. Then she went to say how curvy I looked... now I don't mind having some curves, but I'd prefer if it was more subtle than so obviously feminine. Not only am I trying to lose weight, but also tone down my hips and theighs. Then my mom went on about how I don't want to have a figure with no curves. >_> I wish she'd just stop making me feel this way by emphasizing how feminine I should look and act.

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Mezzo Forte
3 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

@Mezzo Forte I'm a pianist, so I'm kind of a semi-percussionist, a percussionist due to technicalities :P Ever played accompaniment for a piano? Or do you just do it with the rest of the instruments as one band?

I just like the forgo the whole "is it a percussion or string instrument" debate by just calling it a chordophone. :P I have some colleagues who basically categorize piano as a sort of mediated instrument, because you're not actually in contact with the source of vibration/sound; you're hitting a mechanism set to strike the vibration source. That sort of category makes it easier to group with organs, clavichords, harpsichords, celestes, and carillons while still separating it from keyboard percussion like the marimba. :P 

 

That said, pianists tend to pick up marimba/vibes faster than non-pianists. Only thing that's new is learning to use mallets instead of fingers.

 

I've never accompanied a piano, but pianos have accompanied me when I've played concerto works... No wait... Come think of it.. I kind of did. A friend played Gillingham's Concerto for Piano and Percussion Ensemble, and I was one of the marimbists on the piece. Almost forgot about that. :P I've played pieces with vocalists/wind players where the marimba part is rather similar to a piano accompaniment too.

 

I've played as a soloist with an orchestra behind me too, but orchestral music tends to have more xylophone/glockenspiel stuff to work with, in part because the Westernized marimba didn't really pick up until the late 20th century. Wind band music's a little different, since there's more room for contemporary works that have boatloads of percussion to set up. Definitely plenty of marimba in those settings, and the music of John Mackey comes to mind. :P Percussion ensemble's another story entirely where marimbas are a staple of pitched percussion works. They're popular with contemporary composers and the instrument also has a tradition of playing transcriptions too, so percussion ensemble arrangements of existing works tend to be mostly for marimba. I even recently sightread an arrangement of one of the Bradenburg Concertos for marimba ensemble. (I've also played an Eric Whitacre piece as a marimba quartet before.) 

 

Probably a longer ramble than you asked for, but is that really a surprise? :P 

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