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ChillaKilla

Trans Musings & Rantings

161 posts in this topic

A thread that aims to be the intersection of TWOA and the newly christened #TransProblems thread! Just a place to dump various gender-related thoughts and/or quips that might not fit in either of the aforementioned threads perfectly!

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Why do I get so self-conscious in the men's room? I use the stalls because I don't have an STP, and having to sit feels... almost emasculating :lol: 

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I use the stalls, too, even just to pee (although, in public restrooms I still stand if I can, just so I don't have to touch the seat). I know some guys sit to pee (to reduce splashback or for other reasons).

 

I was in the restrooms at the movie theater I went to the other day. I really don't like their stalls! For someone my height (just under 6 ft tall) you can see right over the tops of the stalls if you're standing up but not stretching or anything. Not much privacy. I don't think I'll be using those restrooms much!

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10 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

A thread that aims to be the intersection of TWOA and the newly christened #TransProblems thread! Just a place to dump various gender-related thoughts and/or quips that might not fit in either of the aforementioned threads perfectly!

What  is TWOA?

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Sometimes I feel awkward when I think about medical transition ... is poisoning my body worth stupid changes ?

What's worse , the long term effects of my biological hormones Vs the long term effects of synthetic hormones ?

It takes off my sleep at night, I stopped caring for how people see me and I stopped caring about my body a long time ago... if I'm gonna change my body, I need evidence there's more to gain with it other than psicological wellness , is transitioning worth anything ? (I've been having existential crisis for a while,  Idk why I'm still alive)

Should I just dress masculine-y and accept to live closeted as my agab and  trick people in order to get  man privilege even if I'm not a man ?

I don't think anybody can help me now, but me and it's terrifying, the world around me is a sexist place of shit, and I could fit in so many categories,  I just hate myself for sometimes regretting not having an "easy life ".

gendered things that made me feel bad in the past no longer make me feel bad, I just don't care anymore and it's just confusing.

 

 

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6 minutes ago, Ms. Maya the Bee said:

What  is TWOA?

Google says...

 

Pretty sure it's "Trans-Whatevers of AVEN"

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having a fluid gender is so fucking hard to deal with

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Just now, And Peggy said:

having a fluid gender is so fucking hard to deal with

I think being in the idc and idk zone is a lot harder. 😧

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when cis people think you don't care about your gender cause you haven't said anything about it in forever, and sometimes they ask you about it and expect a real answer, but you don't have the heart to tell them you don't feel like asking yourself gender questions anymore, and that you don't care and you care deeply about it at the same time

 

(or maybe it's just me :P)

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http://www.robot-hugs.com/disconnect/

 

^webcomic that related rather well to my post :)

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2 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

http://www.robot-hugs.com/disconnect/

 

^webcomic that related rather well to my post :)

I love RH! Their comics are so good

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The more i have to use a public toilet in a train, the more i'd love to have an STP because sitting on a toilet is just gross..but i'd like to have one anyway.

11 hours ago, And Peggy said:

having a fluid gender is so fucking hard to deal with

Amen, my friend!  *High five*

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15 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

Why do I get so self-conscious in the men's room? I use the stalls because I don't have an STP, and having to sit feels... almost emasculating :lol: 

I used to get super anxious over using stalls, and even get paranoid thoughts on occasion to this day. ("Oh shit, what if they can hear that the sound of my pee sounds different.. is it weird to use toilet paper when it's obvious that I'm only peeing in here?") The self-consciousness does eventually wear off though, and those paranoid thoughts become a bit of a comical musing. :lol:

 

Happy 4 months on T btw! I remember that my voice was cracking pretty hardcore by that point.

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1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I used to get super anxious over using stalls, and even get paranoid thoughts on occasion to this day. ("Oh shit, what if they can hear that the sound of my pee sounds different.. is it weird to use toilet paper when it's obvious that I'm only peeing in here?") The self-consciousness does eventually wear off though, and those paranoid thoughts become a bit of a comical musing. :lol:

 

Happy 4 months on T btw! I remember that my voice was cracking pretty hardcore by that point.

 

Haha glad to know I'm not the only one who has worried about the peeing sounding different just because I'm standing in the opposite direction, or that somehow someone would notice I used paper even though I was just peeing XD

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3 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Happy 4 months on T btw! I remember that my voice was cracking pretty hardcore by that point.

My voice was the worst in and around month 2... seems it's leveling out about now :P facial hair is what's really taking a while but that honestly doesn't bother me. I can actually start singing again now, and I like my voice. That's so weird to type and genuinely mean because pre-T I thought I sounded like the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins as a teenage girl (yeah, not pleasant to imagine, is it)? 

 

Back on topic-

Having bottom dysphoria is weird? It never really occurred to me before but now that I think about it I might have it? Major TMI warning:

I'm actually seriously considering a simple meta, with no urethroplasty/vaginectomy, just so I can have both sets more or less. Would definitely help my body feel more aligned with my gender. Plus, I've always had a desire to be able to achieve penetration one day, and since I've had some significant bottom growth on T that might actually be feasible, even with an operation that gives one "smaller" results.

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1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

My voice was the worst in and around month 2... seems it's leveling out about now :P facial hair is what's really taking a while but that honestly doesn't bother me. I can actually start singing again now, and I like my voice. That's so weird to type and genuinely mean because pre-T I thought I sounded like the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins as a teenage girl (yeah, not pleasant to imagine, is it)? 

 

Back on topic-

Having bottom dysphoria is weird? It never really occurred to me before but now that I think about it I might have it? Major TMI warning:

 

  Hide contents

I'm actually seriously considering a simple meta, with no urethroplasty/vaginectomy, just so I can have both sets more or less. Would definitely help my body feel more aligned with my gender. Plus, I've always had a desire to be able to achieve penetration one day, and since I've had some significant bottom growth on T that might actually be feasible, even with an operation that gives one "smaller" results.

 

Wow, sounds like you're moving quick in lots of regards! I'm pretty sure I had like 5 kind-of facial hairs on my face (as in the neckbeard) by the 4 month mark. Honestly, the most noticeable spurt of new facial hair I've had so far was between my 12-month mark and now. :P

 

Bottom Dysphoria is kind of a strange topic, and I think testosterone has such and interesting effect on it.

TMI:

Spoiler

Simple meta probably has the lowest chance of complications out of all the bottom surgery types. I've even seen binary transmen opt out of the urethroplasty options because of complication risks. Personally, urethroplasty is a must, which is why I'm specifically looking at a surgeon who happens to also have a background in urology. Actually, one of the risks of phallo is that the longer the phallus, the riskier the urethral lengthening.

 

Dude, if you already have significant growth, I could only imagine the size if you end up having to directly apply DHT before surgery. I'm sure you'd have great results. (That's a big worry I have about meta, because maybe I don't have much of a reference, because while the growth I had was fairly significant, I still don't know if it's big enough to get decent results. Guess I'll be able to ask about that when I eventually have a surgical consultation.)

 

(I don't think my pre-T self could have ever imagined me basically fretting over my dick size on the internet. :lol:

 

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4 hours ago, Liebelit said:

 

Haha glad to know I'm not the only one who has worried about the peeing sounding different just because I'm standing in the opposite direction, or that somehow someone would notice I used paper even though I was just peeing XD

I have also wondered about the possible sound difference when I am dressed and using the women's facilities. I use tp in any case in any restroom. Even as a guy in the men's room, you can't always just shake it off when you're done. :P

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As far as the self-consciousness about the bathroom goes, and peeing noises...I get it. I feel that way myself sometimes, but just think of it this way. Do you really want to value the opinion of someone who's in the bathroom, listening to noises other people are making, and passing judgements? That person sounds like a total weirdo to me, and I really don't care what they think.

 

58 minutes ago, daveb said:

you can't always just shake it off when you're done.

This is true. 

 

Rantings, huh? You know what I wish? I wish people who knew about who I was more often treated that information with the respect it deserves. That's privileged information. Not office gossip. I've found some people seem to intuitively know that this is not something to talk about, mostly because I'm not talking about it. But some people don't seem to get that, and I don't know why. It's frustrating. 

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7 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I used to get super anxious over using stalls, and even get paranoid thoughts on occasion to this day. ("Oh shit, what if they can hear that the sound of my pee sounds different.. is it weird to use toilet paper when it's obvious that I'm only peeing in here?") The self-consciousness does eventually wear off though, and those paranoid thoughts become a bit of a comical musing. :lol:

What I used to get super anxious about sound-wise in the men's bathroom was if it was the unfortunate time of the month and I had to unwrap a tampon/pad. I was always scared someone would hear the sound and recognize it. Fortunately no one ever seemed to realize what the sound was ( I guess most cis guys don't know what a pad sounds like when it's being unwrapped), but it was a nerve racking 9 months between when I started using the mens bathroom and when I had finally been on T long enough to be rid of that. I also used to get paranoid about if the stalls were all occupied and what if someone questioned why I was waiting for a stall rather than using the urinal. Luckily I don't have to worry much anymore in the bathroom, I don't miss those days.

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In my experience I think it would be highly unlikely any guy would ask another guy why he's waiting for a stall. Unless they know each other guys don't tend to talk to each other in restrooms. And even then, some guys (like me) don't like anyone talking to them there.

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6 minutes ago, daveb said:

In my experience I think it would be highly unlikely any guy would ask another guy why he's waiting for a stall. Unless they know each other guys don't tend to talk to each other in restrooms. And even then, some guys (like me) don't like anyone talking to them there.

Guys are much less talkative in bathrooms than women (in general at least). The only times anyone's talked to me in the men's bathroom was once a guy told me the hand dryer I was heading for was broken, and another time a little boy came up to me, tugged on my sleeve and said that he loved my shirt (it had Pokemon on it).

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In my high school almost no one talked in the boys bathrooms. Generally people are silent and avoid each other...

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3 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Rantings, huh? You know what I wish? I wish people who knew about who I was more often treated that information with the respect it deserves. That's privileged information. Not office gossip. I've found some people seem to intuitively know that this is not something to talk about, mostly because I'm not talking about it. But some people don't seem to get that, and I don't know why. It's frustrating. 

A thousand retweets but this isn't twitter

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3 hours ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

What I used to get super anxious about sound-wise in the men's bathroom was if it was the unfortunate time of the month and I had to unwrap a tampon/pad. I was always scared someone would hear the sound and recognize it. Fortunately no one ever seemed to realize what the sound was ( I guess most cis guys don't know what a pad sounds like when it's being unwrapped), but it was a nerve racking 9 months between when I started using the mens bathroom and when I had finally been on T long enough to be rid of that. I also used to get paranoid about if the stalls were all occupied and what if someone questioned why I was waiting for a stall rather than using the urinal. Luckily I don't have to worry much anymore in the bathroom, I don't miss those days.

I didn't have the courage to use men's rooms until long after T stopped that monthly cycle in its tracks, but I couldn't imagine how anxious I would have been dealing with that in the men's bathroom. I remember hearing an FtM comedian joking about claiming that the sound of shuffling with pads/tampons was just the sound of him opening up a candy bar. "Don't worry dudes, it's just a Baby Ruth." 

 

When all the stalls are occupied, I have a way of just walking out and trying again later, because that standing and waiting makes me nervous.

 

As far as conversation in the men's room goes, I've seen how silent it tends to be, but the school of music I went to didn't seem to give a damn about that social rule. Male friends and professors would greet me and strike up conversation in the restrooms the same way the female ones did. Heck, I guess I missed out on a lot of socializing when I exclusively used the neutral bathroom for 6 months. :lol: 

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17 hours ago, Liebelit said:

 

Haha glad to know I'm not the only one who has worried about the peeing sounding different just because I'm standing in the opposite direction, or that somehow someone would notice I used paper even though I was just peeing XD

Knowing how many guys who use the stalls to pee standing, don't lift the seat first and have bad aim, just pull the paper first-- they'll assume you're using it to wipe the seat.

 

As for the sound, just be heard muttering 'Goddam enlarged prostate....' on your way out.

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11 hours ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

What I used to get super anxious about sound-wise in the men's bathroom was if it was the unfortunate time of the month and I had to unwrap a tampon/pad.

I feel like this is worrying about way, way too much. No way any dude in the bathroom is going to be paying that much attention to think about the noise. And if he is, dude...wtf? I mean, I get the concern, I really do, but I promise promise promise nobody would be thinking about things that closely. Especially a guy. Personally, when I use the bathroom, I'm in and out. It's a bathroom, and I've almost never been in one so nice I thought, "hmm, I'd like to chill here a bit." Apparently I'm weird that way, but whatever.

 

I'd love to feel confident in the bathroom, but unfortunately, it's just head down, in and out, no eye contact, and for the love of god, no talking. I'm not worried about feeling embarassed, I'm worried about being beat up or assaulted. I don't even know if my fears are totally unfounded. All I can think is that "you look like a guy...everyone knows. Everyone is going to call you a sick pervert" Wtf that sucks -_- 

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The people pushing "bathroom bills" aren't helping. They fan the flames that make ordinary people worry about trans intrusions into these spaces.

 

In and out is fine; just try not to be too furtive about it. I think that would attract more notice (and possible reactions) than going in and out as if you belong there.

 

Hadley is right about guys and sounds. The talking stuff may vary depending on how well the people know each other. In a public restroom with strangers it will be more minimal (maybe just stuff like someone pointing out something is broken, as mentioned above). The more chatty scenarios happen when the people know each other. In any case, I'd rather no one talk to me in the restroom unless it's an emergency! :P I also don't like to hang out in the restroom any longer than necessary! :P 

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On 13.07.2017 at 5:30 AM, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

when cis people think you don't care about your gender cause you haven't said anything about it in forever, and sometimes they ask you about it and expect a real answer, but you don't have the heart to tell them you don't feel like asking yourself gender questions anymore, and that you don't care and you care deeply about it at the same time

 

(or maybe it's just me :P)

I feel that so much...

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2 hours ago, daveb said:

The people pushing "bathroom bills" aren't helping. They fan the flames that make ordinary people worry about trans intrusions into these spaces.

omg this x1000! If people aren't thinking about it and giving that little extra scrutiny, I'm fine. But the bathroom hysteria puts these ideas in people's heads and then god only knows what's gonna happen. That's definitely what I've been saying all along about them. And this happens whether the bills pass or fail. How many people barely knew trans people existed, but because of the bathroom bill hysteria, now they do? Definitely frustrating.

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People don't even look at you in male bathrooms, so yeah they're probably not listening to you either. And I can't remember ever hearing someone talk in the bathroom unless they were on the phone. 

As for the monthly fight with the red dragon, I just found it too uncomfortable and stressful to deal with that in men's bathroom and I wasn't going to do it in women's bathrooms either, so I just don't do it unless absolutely necessary. I try to not stay out too long :/ The last few times I tried going into a women's bathroom people looked at me weird or thought they were in the wrong bathroom.

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