Jump to content

Advice Needed: Navigating a Mixed relationship


Dannydino

Recommended Posts

Hi all, thanks for reading. 

I should probably start by saying that my partner of 3 years (we're queer) had not exactly come out as asexual but there is a definite dip in our sexual intimacy. Relationship issues, life and the possibility of my partner being asexual has caused us to not have sex for about 7 months now. They don't exactly know why this is happening (the lack of desire is one-sided), but they did make one  quick comment about possibly being a little asexual but that they hadn't really thought that through anymore. I asked if they were repulsed by sex with me and they said no, but they just don't "desire" it anymore. I guess it's been difficult because when we first got together we had sex like bunnies and they've had twice as many partners as I've had, so it had been hard for me to accept this as much as I can. The sensual part used to not always been there, but it's definitely been increasing and that gave me hope. They said they really like cuddling and hugging/holding hands, but that it hasn't led to a bump in their sexual desires. They said that they've thought about engaging in sex with me, but that it would be more for the relationship and me than for themselves. I guess it's also hard to accept that I'm not desired -- I told them that I don't even really want sex that often and that most of time I'd just rather cuddle, but the lack of kissing and sex makes me feel super unwanted and I think that's the hardest part. I honestly miss the kissing more than the sex. I miss the closeness that I would feel with them. We've had few talks about this and they just told me that their gut feeling is that they cannot give me as much sex as I want/ or that the build up to having sex again wouldn't progress as fast as I'd need. Do I stick around and try to compromise the sexual part with them? How has that worked for y'all (does it satisfy your needs enough and is your partner still happy)? I have absolutely no experience in this and I'm just afraid that compromising won't work and I'll still feel empty. Its also hard that my partner hasn't identified as asexual so I feel like I'm going into unknown and uncharted territory. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
SlytherClaw23
3 hours ago, Dannydino said:

 I guess it's also hard to accept that I'm not desired -- I told them that I don't even really want sex that often and that most of time I'd just rather cuddle, but the lack of kissing and sex makes me feel super unwanted and I think that's the hardest part. I honestly miss the kissing more than the sex. I miss the closeness that I would feel with them.

 

[...]

 

 Do I stick around and try to compromise the sexual part with them? How has that worked for y'all (does it satisfy your needs enough and is your partner still happy)?

My situation is slightly different (I'm the partner who had the wild youth, my partner was pretty much sexually inexperienced). 

 

But the feelings are the same - it's not easy to feel undesired, and I have good cry about it about once a month.

 

I haven't had sex this year, and it's not easy - I'm a kinky little bratty-switch. It's about determining priorities, what's important to you?

 

I've decided that I love him more than I need sex. Now that I'm pushing 40 sexual compatibility isn't as important as it was when I was younger. Ten years ago, my answer would have been different. It still breaks my heart a little every day, but we're best friends who are lucky enough to love one another.

 

Since neither of us find an open relationship appropriate (he doesn't want to share, and I don't want cheat), I've accepted that I will likely choose to live a celibate life (until he's ready for the compromise chat, if ever; or if we decide to try for a kidlet).

 

I hope someone can give you advice from a perspective that helps you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
nanogretchen4

Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. Also, it doesn't necessarily sound like a libido mismatch is the only problem. You mention relationship issues, and indeed in most cases where a couple stops having sex two or three years into a relationship the actual issue is the relationship itself rather than one of the partners being asexual. If your partner were definitely self identifying as asexual that would be one thing, but if they are just saying maybe they're a little asexual after you raise the issue I wonder if that's not just the latest version of, "It's not you, it's me." The number of people who have lost sexual interest in a partner at some point in their dating history is very much larger than the number of asexuals. Saying that their gut feeling is that sexual compromise won't work sounds like a passive aggressive way of trying to end the relationship by getting you to be the one to break up. Someone needs to have the courage to admit that things just aren't working and move on. It sounds like that job is yours by default.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...