Jump to content

Am I ace or just a late bloomer?


AtypicalBandGeek

Recommended Posts

AtypicalBandGeek

I've always identified as a heterosexual cis girl who just feels less sexual attraction than others. I'm only 14, so I assumed I'm a late bloomer, or all my friends are early, or their increased sexuality is a result of society or technology allowing information to be be available from a young age. Many of my friends identify as part of the lgbtq+ community, so I had known about asexuality, but I hadn't looked into it until recently. I ruled it out pretty quickly, since I definitely experience at least some sexual attraction, but I also found the term gray-A, or graysexual, and that seemed to fit more. I do get crushes on guys, and I assume they're "normal" in terms of types of attraction. I'll think they're attractive, have a nice personality, and I'll daydream about them, usually talking, doing things together, or doing romantic stuff like kissing or cuddling. It never really goes past making out unless I'm in a relationship with the person and we're pretty close, and even then it usually doesn't, and if it does I sometimes feel guilty or awkward even though there's no way the person would know about it. The large majority of people my age I know say they masturbate a lot, or make comments like "of course you do, everyone does, you're lying" when I say I don't. I actually think I do, but I don't like to say I do because I don't do it much, and I think it's different than how/why most people do it. The only way masturbation works for me is if I do it one certain way, which I don't really want to describe, but it doesn't involve directly touching my genitals, like the "normal" way for biological females. I've tried that a few times, but it either did very little, nothing, or had a negative effect. Also, I know most people feel like they need to masturbate, do it regularly, and watch porn or imagine sexual activities. I don't do it much, and it's not because I feel I need to, or because I'm turned on or "horny" (I don't even know if I have been turned on, it confuses me). For me masturbation is more like "I'm home alone, I have nothing to do, I'll masturbate I guess because why not and it feels good." I don't think I've ever thought about sexual things while doing it, or if I have it hasn't really done anything. I don't dislike masturbating, but if for some reason I was unable to do it for a long period of time, I most likely wouldn't care at all. I think I'd say I have a low libido. Also, the whole idea of sexual vs. romantic vs. aesthetic attraction confuses me. When I look at an attractive guy, I can recognize that he's cute or hot or whatever, but I don't know if it's sexual or aesthetic attraction. I can also recognize girls that are attractive, even though I'm not attracted to them. Let's say I go to a public pool, where there's a bunch of people in bathing suits. I'm more likely to "check out" the guys, and I occasionally see one I think is cute, but it's not like "I want to do sexual things with that guy he's hot," it's more like "he's really good looking," and maybe if he's my type I'll occasionally imagine, like, kissing him or stuff like that. I have never watched porn, and I don't want to, but I feel like if I did, I definitely wouldn't get sexual pleasure out of it, and I'd be more likely to think that what the people are doing is gross, or like, "dicks look really weird" or something idk. Part of me thinks I'm gray-A, part of me thinks I'm just a late bloomer in terms of sexual desire, and part of me is just confused at what the heck sexual attraction/desire even is and why it's so complicated.

 

UPDATE: Rereading this, it sounds more straightforward than it is in my mind. I should probably add that I've had a boyfriend and I was very happy with him, we did things that I would say qualified as sexual and I did enjoy them, but not as much as I think most people would, and it was more to make him happy, as I wouldn't care if we had never gone past kissing. He's the only person I've really been sexually attracted to, I think, and it wasn't until we had already been dating for a while. Also, I love romance novels and the idea of love in general, I'm very much a hopeless romantic and I love people. I like physical things like hugging, kissing, and cuddling (especially cuddling lol), and I occasionally daydream about things that are physical/romantic/sexual but I don't really associate those things with being sexual, it's more... I really don't know how to define it, maybe like sensual or something? But yeah just thought I'd clarify those things.

Edited by AtypicalBandGeek
Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN, AtypicalBandGeek! :cake:

 

So, to me, you sound like you might be heteroromantic asexual. Of course, only you can know for sure, but based on what you've said, it seems likely. What I mean by heteroromantic asexual is this: You might feel romantic feelings for a guy, meaning you want to date him, but you don't want to have sex with him or any other guy. One way you can tell if you are allosexual (the opposite of asexual) is if you ask yourself, "Whom in my life have I ever wanted to have sex with? Anyone? What gender were they if I did want to have sex with them?" If you come up short, you're probably asexual. Even though you're only 14, you can still know these things, or have a pretty good idea. I sort of knew when I was 13, but I never really accepted it until I was 20. Sometimes people just realize it earlier on in life.

 

As for masturbation, that honestly sounds pretty asexual to me, too. As far as I know, most allosexual people don't masturbate for the same reasons as asexual people.

 

Finally, when you talk about thinking guys are hot, I completely get that. That sounds like romantic or aesthetic attraction. You don't seem to mention wanting to have sex with them at all. When I've talked to allosexuals about this, they tell me "you just know" when you want to have sex with someone. Personally, I find guys and girls aesthetically attractive, but I never want to date or have sex with them (I've tried with both, it is not for me).

 

If you're still confused, here is a little comic about the different types of attraction. A lot of people find it useful.

Spoiler

sketchcomic___types_of_attraction_by_secondlina-d4xwf7d.jpg

 

So the takeaway is: Only you can decide what you are, but you might be heteroromantic asexual. It seems like you have aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction to guys, based on your post. Good luck!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...