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I don't know what to think


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Brave Woody

Hi, I'm 18 years old and I'm a bit confused to whether or not I should consider myself a part of the asexual spectrum. I've been identifying myself as a lesbian for three years now, and I just got a girlfriend a few months ago. The thing is that I'm sure I prefer women rather than men in a relationship. I enjoyed kissing girls in the past while it always felt weird with guys, even when I was sure I was in love with them. I'm asking myself a lot questions these days because even tho I really really like my girlfriend and found her beautiful and sexy, I'm not sure if sex is my thing or not. I do masturbate, watch porn, and read smut, and I know some asexuals do too, but the thing is that when I'm picturing myself having sex with her, I can see myself doing things to her but not the opposite. Now that I think about it, I never think about myself doing things with someone when I masturbate, it's always other people. I think I don't want to be touched in a sexual way. There is also the fact that I overthink things a LOT. Whenever we're making out I can't find a way to lose myself completly even if it feels nice, and it's really starting to piss me off. So yeah, I'm asking myself a lot of questions. Am I demisexual and I'm just not in love with her yet? Is it because of my relationship with my own body? Is it because I'm a blushing virgin and this is still too soon to think about sex at this point into our relationship? Anyway I hope you could help me...

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It could be either way. The asexual umbrella is wide, and sexuality can be fluid over your lifetime. Just because you are inexperience doesn't mean you can't know how you feel, though I would not advise against trying a few things out just to see where your boundaries are.

It's alright to change your "label" later if you no longer feel like it fits, as a label is for your comfort, and not for others. No label is set in stone, and shouldn't feel like a death sentence.
You can be asexual and still be romantic, as apposed to aromantic.
Best of luck, and feel free to PM me if you need help anytime.

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Welcome to AVEN!

I'm not really sure, but there are a couple of ideas that come to mind. One is autochorissexuality, which refers to a subgroup of asexuals who fantasize/watch pornography/masturbate, but who do so from a third person perspective, without imagining themselves as a participant in the action. As such, they may be said be lacking the subjective component of sexual attraction. A second is that you may be a sexual person who prefers more exclusively to give rather than receive when being sexually intimate.

As for demisexuality, it's usually described as someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless and until they have developed a strong emotional bond with a romantic partner. For that reason, if you experience sexual attraction when fantasizing, or to characters in pornography or erotic literature, then it seems less likely that you would be demisexual.

I hope this information is useful. I wish you the best of luck.

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3 hours ago, Brave Woody said:

I can see myself doing things to her but not the opposite.

Same here. I think that's because I am a control freak and afraid to relinquish control.

 

3 hours ago, Brave Woody said:

I think I don't want to be touched in a sexual way.

I want to find someone by whom I would want to be touched in a sexual way, to whom I would want to relinquish control. I identify as demisexual because in 47 years, I encountered only one person who made me feel that way. And yes, that took a while after running into her.

 

4 hours ago, Brave Woody said:

I can't find a way to lose myself completly even if it feels nice

If it feels nice, and your partner likes being with you, go on and enjoy the feelings. Maybe you can make small steps towards losing yourself? Like agreeing on boundaries on how you like to be touched, and then focusing your thoughts on the physical sensation while she's touching you? If that works, you could push the boundaries further over time.

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Many people are sex positive asexuals. Most people want to show their affection to their partners, in any way they can. I think that is pretty normal. Even if you don't really want it reciprocated. Take your time to explore the site and learn about yourself. You are not alone in your situation.

 

Also Welcome to AVEN :cake:

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Brave Woody
On 11 juillet 2017 at 3:03 AM, OldSoul said:

It could be either way. The asexual umbrella is wide, and sexuality can be fluid over your lifetime. Just because you are inexperience doesn't mean you can't know how you feel, though I would not advise against trying a few things out just to see where your boundaries are.

It's alright to change your "label" later if you no longer feel like it fits, as a label is for your comfort, and not for others. No label is set in stone, and shouldn't feel like a death sentence.
You can be asexual and still be romantic, as apposed to aromantic.
Best of luck, and feel free to PM me if you need help anytime.

Hey, thank you so much for your comment. I think I will try again for some time, because she never really made me uncomfortble, it's really just the fact that I can't seem to lose myself while we make out that worry me a bit. The only times it feels like I'm not overthinking are when I'm tipsy hahaha I definitly think I'm romantic by the way, thank you again, you are very kind. 

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Brave Woody
23 hours ago, Pramana said:

Welcome to AVEN!

I'm not really sure, but there are a couple of ideas that come to mind. One is autochorissexuality, which refers to a subgroup of asexuals who fantasize/watch pornography/masturbate, but who do so from a third person perspective, without imagining themselves as a participant in the action. As such, they may be said be lacking the subjective component of sexual attraction. A second is that you may be a sexual person who prefers more exclusively to give rather than receive when being sexually intimate.

As for demisexuality, it's usually described as someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless and until they have developed a strong emotional bond with a romantic partner. For that reason, if you experience sexual attraction when fantasizing, or to characters in pornography or erotic literature, then it seems less likely that you would be demisexual.

I hope this information is useful. I wish you the best of luck.

I found a post on Twitter a while ago about autochorissexuality and I did thought it was pretty close from how I was feeling, but because I never really had a girlfriend, I didn't want to put this label right away you know... You actually made me learn something about demisexuality, I always thought you could get arouse by pornography and other stuff while being demisexual, but prefered to do the do with a partner to whom you felt a connection rather than anybody... So thanks! 

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Brave Woody
22 hours ago, roland.o said:

Same here. I think that's because I am a control freak and afraid to relinquish control.

 

I want to find someone by whom I would want to be touched in a sexual way, to whom I would want to relinquish control. I identify as demisexual because in 47 years, I encountered only one person who made me feel that way. And yes, that took a while after running into her.

 

If it feels nice, and your partner likes being with you, go on and enjoy the feelings. Maybe you can make small steps towards losing yourself? Like agreeing on boundaries on how you like to be touched, and then focusing your thoughts on the physical sensation while she's touching you? If that works, you could push the boundaries further over time.

You commenting directly on some of my sentences actually made me laugh so thanks for that hahaha I do think my "problem" could be link to me being afraid of relinquish control... I mean on top of that I still have a lot of insecurities and I still wonder sometimes how can she really be interrested in me... I guess this is not helping for the all "let your partner touch you" buisness. I think I'm gonna start talking to her about that if I still feel that way after some time. She never really made me uncomfortble before, it's just the fact that I can't seem to lose it when we kiss that stress me out. Thank you for sharing your experience and your advices. 

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Brave Woody
13 hours ago, Yato God of Tofu said:

Many people are sex positive asexuals. Most people want to show their affection to their partners, in any way they can. I think that is pretty normal. Even if you don't really want it reciprocated. Take your time to explore the site and learn about yourself. You are not alone in your situation.

 

Also Welcome to AVEN :cake:

Yeah I think it's normal too, and I really find the all asexual spectrum fascinating by the way. I will, thank you for your comment.

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2 minutes ago, Brave Woody said:

I found a post on Twitter a while ago about autochorissexuality and I did thought it was pretty close from how I was feeling, but because I never really had a girlfriend, I didn't want to put this label right away you know... You actually made me learn something about demisexuality, I always thought you could get arouse by pornography and other stuff while being demisexual, but prefered to do the do with a partner to whom you felt a connection rather than anybody... So thanks! 

Viewing pornography can mean different things, as there are autochorissexuals who don't imagine themselves as participants in the scenes (thus lacking the subjective component of attraction) and there are also asexual spectrum people who find pornographic imagery physically arousing but who don't connect it to the mental element of sexual attraction/desire. On the other hand, if you find that the people portrayed in pornography are sexually appealing and you could imagine yourself being sexually active with them, that suggests you may be experiencing sexual attraction.

There are plenty of sexual people who may be sexually attracted to their partners from the start (having sexual thoughts about them and so forth), but who wouldn't be comfortable actually having sex until they have gotten to know the person quite well. But my understanding is that a demisexual wouldn't even experience sexual attraction at all until a close emotional connection has been formed.

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Brave Woody
1 minute ago, Pramana said:

Viewing pornography can mean different things, as there are autochorissexuals who don't imagine themselves as participants in the scenes (thus lacking the subjective component of attraction) and there are also asexual spectrum people who find pornographic imagery physically arousing but who don't connect it to the mental element of sexual attraction/desire. On the other hand, if you find that the people portrayed in pornography are sexually appealing and you could imagine yourself being sexually active with them, that suggests you may be experiencing sexual attraction.

There are plenty of sexual people who may be sexually attracted to their partners from the start (having sexual thoughts about them and so forth), but who wouldn't be comfortable actually having sex until they have gotten to know the person quite well. But my understanding is that a demisexual wouldn't even experience sexual attraction at all until a close emotional connection has been formed.

Wow, well I think autochorissexuality is the closest thing from how I'm feeling so far (why do I have to have a sexuality this difficult to write and to prononce *cry*) I couldn't thank you enough for all your explanation, it really does help me out a lot. 

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15 minutes ago, Brave Woody said:

Wow, well I think autochorissexuality is the closest thing from how I'm feeling so far (why do I have to have a sexuality this difficult to write and to prononce *cry*) I couldn't thank you enough for all your explanation, it really does help me out a lot. 

The term was coined by asexuality researcher Anthony Bogaert, and it's the sort of name that only an academic would come up with. There's a discussion of autochorissexuality in his book Understanding Asexuality, although you can probably also find some decent information through an Internet search.

It's great to hear this information was useful to you!

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